cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[michelangelo]

People always try to put a good spin on bad personal experiences.

 

Whomever told you that it was a good thing to have the affair is misguided.

 

It was a vey bad thing to do to have that affair.

 

How you comport yourself going forward defines the rest of your life as good for you, your husband, and your children.

 

You can't unring a bell but you can stop looking for bells to ring.

[Mz. Pixie]

No, people shouldn't stay married for the sake of the kids, however, you need to do the work before you call it quits for their sake- as in IC, MC, and/or marriage builders.

 

I know you mentioned cost before- well the marriagebuilders website is free.

 

Do not be surprised when push comes to shove your husband retracts everything he's promised as far as the house and kids go. He's going to get very angry at some point. Then once he talks to an attorney or word spreads about what you did- he'll be even more angry and vindictive.

 

I know because mine was. He made all kinds of promises until push come to shove and then he retracted all of that- and he was a nice guy too.

 

Divorce is war. Very few times are they settled easily without attorney's getting involved and things getting ugly.

[InaPanic]

I went to marriage builders site today & did some reading. I may suggest my husband check it out too. It's nice there is such an infomative site that is free. Usually they are all trying to sell a book or a service. This one seemed different.

 

Today we had a big talk & big cry together. I can't say it was a good talk really. He did point out it didn't seem like I was trying or putting much effort forth. I had to agree with him. I don't honestly feel like I am either & cannot seem to make myself. I board myself up in the office all day doing my work & basically avoiding him. I don't even like to face him plus i feel this pressure for sex which I am thinking I just need to do it & get it over with. The longer I put it off the harder it is going to be for both of us. If he is willing to try I most certainly should be. He suggested maybe one or the other of us start sleeping on the couch. He said since I was the one that screwed up it should be me but that he couldnt' stand the thought of making me do that while he was in a comfortable bed. He's still so caring even under these circumstances. I told him I would & had no problem with it but I didn't want the kids to know so he'd have to get me up before the clock went off.

 

he said today that if we seperate/divorce that he wouldnt' just desert me that if something needed fixing he'd come & do it or if my car needed work he'd help me. I honestly think he would be that kind of person. Until one or the other of us moved on & met someone else i suppose.

 

I do keep saying to him i think it's too soon to make that decision.

[Ladyjane14]

I went to ********** site today & did some reading. I may suggest my husband check it out too. It's nice there is such an infomative site that is free. Usually they are all trying to sell a book or a service. This one seemed different.

 

I have to pipe up and let you know that while I LOVE the information on the site, and recommend it often.... I can't recommend the forums over there in good conscience. I won't say more, because it seems wrong to talk about other forums when you're on a whole different site... but I highly recommend that you STAY AWAY from the boards, and just utilize the informative articles.

 

I board myself up in the office all day doing my work & basically avoiding him. I don't even like to face him plus i feel this pressure for sex which I am thinking I just need to do it & get it over with.

 

Betrayed spouses (BS) often feel more secure and at ease, when they're in physical company with the former wayward spouse (FWS). He feels better when he's WITH you. They also tend to experience a tendancy toward hysterical bonding where they need lots of affection... and sex. I think it's best if you can make yourself available for this if you can do it and be comfortable, although I recognize that the Prozac has put a damper on your drive.

 

My advice is to do the best you can regarding sexual relations. But also to make as much time as you can to support him in other ways. Nurturing is best.... kind of like you'd tend to one of your kids if they were sick and run-down. A new BS really is sick and run-down. They need a bunch of TLC.

 

If you can make this time all about HIM for awhile... I think you'll probably be okay. It's really hard when you're in a position where you're feeling needy and insecure yourself. But look at it this way... nurturing him gives him energy to nurture YOU.

 

In essence, you're expending your energy making HIM strong, in the hope that he can remain in the marriage, eventually returning the favor. It's an investment. You don't know for sure that it'll pay off... but if it does, its gonna pay off BIG.

[InaPanic]

Today he opened up the current cell phone bill. I should have opened it & hid it. I wasn't completely honest with him about when the contact was cut off. He saw on 8-16 that OM & I had an 89 minute conversation. He was super mad & we argued. I'm freaking out. He says he now has the phone # & is going to call because he firmly believes OM has a wife (which i know for fact he does not). I didn't want him to call OM, i'm not sure why. But now he has this number & i'm freaking out. I do not want the two of them to talk. God, I was actually mad at him for getting mad at me. I just don't know if this is going to work if i feel like this.

[Bryanp]

I think you really need to take responsibility here. You cheated on your husband with another man and to your credit you did admit it. Truth and honesty is the key to rebuilding. What do you then do - you lie to him about conversations you have had with the OM. What in the world is he supposed to think? What part of the word honesty and truthfullness do you not understand? Now you are doing everything you can not to let your husband vent against the OM by calling him. What message are you giving your husband? The message is that you are still more concerned about the feelings of the OM than that of your husband. After all of this you still just don't get it.

[InaPanic]

I think you really need to take responsibility here. You cheated on your husband with another man and to your credit you did admit it. Truth and honesty is the key to rebuilding. What do you then do - you lie to him about conversations you have had with the OM. What in the world is he supposed to think? What part of the word honesty and truthfullness do you not understand? Now you are doing everything you can not to let your husband vent against the OM by calling him. What message are you giving your husband? The message is that you are still more concerned about the feelings of the OM than that of your husband. After all of this you still just don't get it.

 

i completely agree with everything you have said Bryan.

 

I wasn't completely honest with him about everything because i felt there was honesty & there was brutal honestly. I didn't want to be any more brutal than i had to be. I am now seeing the mistake in that by today. It obviously hurt him more, or i suppose it hurt more.

One reason i don't want them to talk is because i also was not honest about who broke it off. At the time we did break it off it was more of a mutual agreement but prior to that anytime OM would hint at that I didn't want it. If he knew this I thought it would have been completely devastating to him & would have ruined any chances of us being together. I told him that yes i wondered if i loved the OM & i wondered if we were meant to be together (OM & I) but i didn't tell him the extent that these thoughts plagued me. I just didn't think it was necessary. I guess i was wrong.

 

I talked to my H on his cell & he is hurt but seemed more calm than before. Still hurt, still angry. But not to the extent he was this morning.

 

He mentioned MC again. I believe i will go call & check on that so i can tell him about it later. He doesn't think i'm making much effort & honestly, i don't think i am either. I am just wanting it to be better with no effort, i want to ignore it & hope it will go away. I realize this is ignorant & is only going to cause this to end in divorce.

[Mz. Pixie]

IAP-

 

I believe that we tried to tell you when he found out more without you telling him he'd be even more angry......

 

You're just seeing the start of what it will be should you move forward with divorce.

 

He hasn't hit the anger stage just yet.

[norajane]

He mentioned MC again. I believe i will go call & check on that so i can tell him about it later. He doesn't think i'm making much effort & honestly, i don't think i am either. I am just wanting it to be better with no effort, i want to ignore it & hope it will go away. I realize this is ignorant & is only going to cause this to end in divorce.

 

I think you're in such a state that you don't believe things can get better for you. Or rather, that you don't know what "better" could really be, because going back to the way you felt before the A isn't, in your mind, all that much better anyway, and that's what is holding you back from trying.

 

Here's the thing - things can't and won't be like the way they were before the A. An A has long term effects which change both of you. If you make an effort, an honest, true effort to work on your marriage, there's hope that you and your H could build an even better relationship than you had before.

 

Maybe this affair was mid-life crisis for you, maybe it was a product of having married young, maybe it's the result of you not communicating your needs to your H, or him not communicating his needs, or any number of things. That's where the MC can help you two develop something better than what you had as well as helping both of you get through this now.

 

The MC can help get your thoughts, issues, feelings, worries, everything out on the table so you can sort through them and figure out what's really important, down deep important, to both of you. Don't resist the counseling - what you're doing now isn't working, so anything that a counselor can do ought to be an improvement, don't you think?

[InaPanic]

I do realize my H can do what he wants. He has the OM's number now so he can call at any time & i have a feeling he will. I truly hope he doesn't or that OM will hang up if he calls because i cannot imagine anything good coming of it. But, no, I cannot tell him what to do.

 

I do believe that measured honesty is also measured deceipt. But it was what i felt was best at the time. When I saw his reaction I immediatly regretted telling him. I mean instantly. So on the spot & hysterical, both of us, when he asked me some tough questions I wasn't completely honest or I did flat out lie. Yes, in a way, i do regret it but I did & i'm afraid to go to him now & say, well ya know what here's the truth about this. Especially after today. I don't even want to see him tonight, I just want to be asleep when he comes home. But I can't give up because i am acting so damn weak about it all.

 

Today we made reservations for a family vacation in the fall. We normally always take a fall vacation but had discussed not going this year due to $$ & then after i told him, due to that. But even after today he said to go ahead & do it. But he did add, 'do you think we can vacation together if we are split up by then?' my response was i hope we haven't made that decision by then. Then he said 'if we have we can always sleep with one of the kids in seperate beds'. So I don't know what to make of that.

 

I just tried to call two MC, there are shockingly few in my phone book, & got an answering machine on both. i didn't leave a message.

[whichwayisup]

Call back and leave a message. Why didn't you leave a message? Ask yourself that........

 

Look, neither you or your husband should be thinking LONG TERM here, start with the NOW and take this day by day. Hour by hour if need be. Make a choice and stick to it.

 

Also, if he needs to call the OM, BE supportive of it. Let him do whatever he feels has to be done so he can find out the truth...He may not believe all that you've told him, so the OM may help him with that...And yes, I'm sure you're terrified what the OM will say to him as whatever he says will hurt your husband. All you can do is support the choices he makes and listen to him when he wants to talk to you.

 

You have the choice here, so take the bull by the horns, start SHOWING your husband in action that you're going to do all the work right now to get the marriage going again. Making that call and leaving a message is the first step. If you can't do that, then you might as well give up now, do the divorce thing and move on........Sorry to be harsh here, but you need a little kick to get movin' on this.

[Sup]

Today he opened up the current cell phone bill. I should have opened it & hid it. I wasn't completely honest with him about when the contact was cut off. He saw on 8-16 that OM & I had an 89 minute conversation. He was super mad & we argued. I'm freaking out. He says he now has the phone # & is going to call because he firmly believes OM has a wife (which i know for fact he does not). I didn't want him to call OM, i'm not sure why. But now he has this number & i'm freaking out. I do not want the two of them to talk. God, I was actually mad at him for getting mad at me. I just don't know if this is going to work if i feel like this.

 

He has every right to be mad, to confront OM, he had SEX with you, and you with him, what do you expect? You husband wants OM to PAY! And not just your hubby having to pay for this.

[Sup]

i completely agree with everything you have said Bryan.

 

I wasn't completely honest with him about everything because i felt there was honesty & there was brutal honestly. I didn't want to be any more brutal than i had to be. I am now seeing the mistake in that by today. It obviously hurt him more, or i suppose it hurt more.

One reason i don't want them to talk is because i also was not honest about who broke it off. At the time we did break it off it was more of a mutual agreement but prior to that anytime OM would hint at that I didn't want it. If he knew this I thought it would have been completely devastating to him & would have ruined any chances of us being together. I told him that yes i wondered if i loved the OM & i wondered if we were meant to be together (OM & I) but i didn't tell him the extent that these thoughts plagued me. I just didn't think it was necessary. I guess i was wrong.

 

I talked to my H on his cell & he is hurt but seemed more calm than before. Still hurt, still angry. But not to the extent he was this morning.

 

He mentioned MC again. I believe i will go call & check on that so i can tell him about it later. He doesn't think i'm making much effort & honestly, i don't think i am either. I am just wanting it to be better with no effort, i want to ignore it & hope it will go away. I realize this is ignorant & is only going to cause this to end in divorce.

 

You better tell husband EVERYTHING including who broke it of etc., if he wants out you have NO choice you gotta let hubby go, STOP BEING SOOOO SELFISH!

[Sup]

IAP-

 

I believe that we tried to tell you when he found out more without you telling him he'd be even more angry......

 

You're just seeing the start of what it will be should you move forward with divorce.

 

He hasn't hit the anger stage just yet.

 

Then YOU may want divorce, just so you know......

[Sup]

One thing your husband may, or will think about is, if OM didn't break off the A, you would still be doing this to him. Expect that to hit very hard.

[InaPanic]

2long, do you remember if the phone coaching was expensive? And did you & your wife both do it, as in on phone extensions or was it one at a time? This sounds interesting.

 

He's on his way home from work & I just dread tonight. He's still going to be thinking about the cell phone bill & i imagine he's going to have added up every hour & minute we talked & that is going to be eating away at him. I will try to sit there & take my lumps so to speak. I know it's what i should do. But if he gets loud with the kids around again I will not sit & take it. That is wrong, they don't need to hear any of it if possible.

[Guest]

One thing your husband may, or will think about is, if OM didn't break off the A, you would still be doing this to him. Expect that to hit very hard.

 

I agree with you. From what I've read, I'm almost hoping that he will think this way and kick her out.

 

InaPanic, you are a very selfish person, and I have more respect for the OM than you. I have a friend whose mother had an affair with another man, and although things worked out for her parents, up to this day, she still resents her mom. You don't want your kids to hear what your husband has to say because you don't want them to think less of you. I'm sure that if it was the other way around, you'd want them to hear every word.

 

You don't get a right to be mad for anything your husband says or does. You don't get a right to feel like you have to just sit there and "take the lumps." You don't get a right to hope that your husband won't call the OM. If he wants to break every plate you have in your house, you don't get to flinch. You messed up. Grow up and take responsibility for what you've done. While you're worrying about what is going to happen if he calls the OM, your husband is wondering every minute why he wasn't enough for you and why you couldn't say so.

 

When he realizes that he can't ever trust you again, and that you aren't really trying, he will leave. Only then, do I think you'll actually realize the enormnity of your selfish actions. I am sad for your kids. No child deserves to have that kind of a parent.

[Sup]

I agree with you. From what I've read, I'm almost hoping that he will think this way and kick her out.

 

InaPanic, you are a very selfish person, and I have more respect for the OM than you. I have a friend whose mother had an affair with another man, and although things worked out for her parents, up to this day, she still resents her mom. You don't want your kids to hear what your husband has to say because you don't want them to think less of you. I'm sure that if it was the other way around, you'd want them to hear every word.

 

You don't get a right to be mad for anything your husband says or does. You don't get a right to feel like you have to just sit there and "take the lumps." You don't get a right to hope that your husband won't call the OM. If he wants to break every plate you have in your house, you don't get to flinch. You messed up. Grow up and take responsibility for what you've done. While you're worrying about what is going to happen if he calls the OM, your husband is wondering every minute why he wasn't enough for you and why you couldn't say so.

 

When he realizes that he can't ever trust you again, and that you aren't really trying, he will leave. Only then, do I think you'll actually realize the enormnity of your selfish actions. I am sad for your kids. No child deserves to have that kind of a parent.

 

As blunt as that is.....

I second the motion:eek:

[samsungxoxo]

The problems between parents are theirs to solve, not the children. Just b/c one of your parents cheats, doesn't mean you'll hate them, they're still your parents and thus you have no rights to hate them. It's not the children fighting with the parents, it's them.

If one of parents cheated, well then their choice, their problems or arguments is none of my business.

[Guest]

The problems between parents are theirs to solve, not the children. Just b/c one of your parents cheats, doesn't mean you'll hate them, they're still your parents and thus you have no rights to hate them. It's not the children fighting with the parents, it's them.

If one of parents cheated, well then their choice, their problems or arguments is none of my business.

 

Resenting a parent, and hating them are two different things. My dad's father left them for another woman while my grandma was pregnant. Not one of my dad's siblings hate their dad, but they do resent him and what he put them through.

 

Let me ask you this:

 

Are you telling me that if your parents divorce because one of them strayed, and you become a statistic, a product of a broken home, you won't be angry? That it wouldn't matter to you if you're a family or not because whatever their problem was, was never your business?

 

Okay, let's say they stay together, but things at home are horrible because there are trust issues and they're constantly arguing, are you saying that this will not affect you? That you can turn a blind eye, and a deaf ear?

 

A family is a unit. When one is affected, the rest of the unit is affected. I am not saying that a child should help solve a problem between the parents, but they should ALWAYS be taken into account. I can't find any reason in this topic where this woman thought of her children when she was having the affair, and after it, because she herself has said that she isn't making any effort. She didn't even end the affair herself.

 

A child should not have to grow up in an environment with selfish actions and distrust. Nobody deserves that. There is a saying, "The best way to show your love for your children is to love their mother." The same thing goes for loving their father. By having the affair, she has destroyed that.

[soooomestup]

I have just read most of your posts, I'ts always comforting to know that other people feel what you feel. When you have problems you feel like your the only one in the world feeling as terrible as you do. I am going through a similar situation and i just have one question. Do you think that if you had the strength to end it with OM after the FIRST time you slept with him that it may have been easier to not say anything to your husband and just think of it as a mistake and keep it a secret forever? I know u have feelings for the OM but if u had of ended it straight away would it have been different? Its wierd how the OM feels like a drug... like an addiction isnt it? Also what does NC mean?

[InaPanic]

I agree with you. From what I've read, I'm almost hoping that he will think this way and kick her out.

 

InaPanic, you are a very selfish person, and I have more respect for the OM than you. I have a friend whose mother had an affair with another man, and although things worked out for her parents, up to this day, she still resents her mom. You don't want your kids to hear what your husband has to say because you don't want them to think less of you. I'm sure that if it was the other way around, you'd want them to hear every word.

 

You don't get a right to be mad for anything your husband says or does. You don't get a right to feel like you have to just sit there and "take the lumps." You don't get a right to hope that your husband won't call the OM. If he wants to break every plate you have in your house, you don't get to flinch. You messed up. Grow up and take responsibility for what you've done. While you're worrying about what is going to happen if he calls the OM, your husband is wondering every minute why he wasn't enough for you and why you couldn't say so.

 

When he realizes that he can't ever trust you again, and that you aren't really trying, he will leave. Only then, do I think you'll actually realize the enormnity of your selfish actions. I am sad for your kids. No child deserves to have that kind of a parent.

 

Damn! how harsh are you 'guest'. A name would be nice to go with this hostile post.

First off, it's so lovely to think you are hoping my husband kicks me out, nice.

You do not know me, you know of one incident in my 38 years of living. Do not judge me by this. You have no idea if i am selfish or not. I am human & I made a mistake. I regret it & I hate myself for it. I wonder what it must feel like to be perfect like you & be able to pass out judgement so righteously. I hope you don't slip and fall off your pedestal someday 'guest'. And NO, ****ing NO, i would NOT want my kids to hear if it were the other way around. What a moronic thing to say. Use your head, why would i want my kids to be aware of this fact regardless of who did it?

I have a RIGHT to be or feel any thing i want to be or feel. Because i made a mistake that means my marriage may end & there will be a huge price to pay. But i haven't given up my rights as a human being & I will not EVER. So you're saying because i had an affair i don't have a right to be mad if he hits me...to be mad if he tries to take my kids away from me...nothing he ever does in life from here on out i can never ever be mad at him. That sounds like a lovely way to live. He can just forever dangle this over my head. Yeah, that's how i want to live out my golden years.

 

And don't you dare accuse me of being a bad parent. Again you know nothing of me. I have admitted that during the past 3 months i have felt guilty over any attention my kids may have lost out on from me. But i have not abused them, neglected them or treated them in any ill way. And i am pissed off & angry as hell that you could accuse me of being a bad parent, to say no child deserves a 'parent like me'.

 

I sure hope when you do something you regret, when you make a mistake there is someone out there as holier than thou as you are to be sure to put you down & kick you while you are there.

Thanks so much, you're imput has been ever so helpful, NOT!

 

And yes, i'm presuming someone screwed around on you or you wouldn't be quite so angry, judgemental & pretentious.

 

Sorry everyone, but this poster has frustrated me beyond words. I will reply to others later.

[InaPanic]

As blunt as that is.....

I second the motion:eek:

 

For some reason, Sup, i figured you would

[whichwayisup]

Also what does NC mean?

 

NC means No contact.

[Guest]

He can just forever dangle this over my head. Yeah, that's how i want to live out my golden years.

 

 

Sorry everyone, but this poster has frustrated me beyond words. I will reply to others later.

 

I think you have every right to lash out against insensitive and inappropriate comments that paint you as a monster especially when you come to a forum for help.

 

However I have to say as an impartial observer that you seem to display more passion and concern relative to the possible negative side effects of living in a post affair marriage than you do in trying to work your way back to making that marriage whole.