Gunny376 Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Nothing more, and nothing less. Just "flash-backs" to another time and another place. Nothing but a "thing" and it doesn't mean "nuthin" While what you're going trough isn't a PTSD event, it smacks of all the same sympthoms. Its the micro of a PTSD event. Thus the post of the link for your consideration: http://www.patiencepress.com/samples/ptg1.pdf Mind you, the key here is a traumatic event, and what you're going through is a traumatic event you shouldn't experience it 30 years down the road. Sights, sounds, smells won't send you "there" 10,20,30 years from now. I qualify that? They may, but you won't be "re-expericing" the traumatic event in its totalilty as though it was the first time you experienced it. You've heard of the "fight or flight" reaction inate to all of us in a trauma, there's a third ~ and that is to "frezze" Most women react to "frezze" while most men react to the "fight or flee" reaction. What you had today was a "deju vu" experience. All the good feelings back in the day flooding into the "bad" feelings of your current sit-rep? Feelings are a paradox in that feelings are facts, while at the same exact time they are not facts. We all feel what we feel, and it doesn't have to be reasonable, justified, nor what other people feel. Feelings do not have brains. They are not logical. Part of this is learning what you do feel, so that you can can take care of yourself. Trying to take care of yourself without knowing how you feel, is like trying to budget without knowing what your income is. Emotional reasoning is a distorted way of thinking that is common in Western society. "I feel therefore it is true!" I feel hurt therefore he/she meant to hurt me. I feel guilty therefore I am guilty. Many of us tend to feel hurt or guilt about everything. It comes with our culture, but we can choose not to believe in it. Its OK to feel more than one countradictory emotion at the same time. We shouild all respect our emotions, but not necessarly belive them and act on them in old ways. People can change by acting in new ways until new feelings come ~ and oftentimes, the action must and often does precede the feeling. Waiting till they feel like changing is a dead end for most people. Marines are trained and conditioned to act first, feel later. Instanteous repsonse to orders. It is not natural to kill, nor to place oneself in a situation where one might be killed. Marines are trained and conditioned to kill or to be killed trying to kill. The relevancey of this is ~ you've been conditioned and trained to shut your emotions off. But you cannot shut them off forever. They will rise to the top. The key here is in being aware of it! Conscious of it! You're only human. And while your conditioning and training has taught you to deal with a lot of s*it!, it also can work against you in situations such as you find yourself in at present! Most women (Lady Jane, DGirl, Lor, and MzP excepted) cannot handle guys such as you and I. PS (Lady Jane, DGirl, Lor, MzP Amazing Grace, and Becoming excepted) They would "call" our punk card in a minute! They would clock us faster than an Alabama State Trooper would on a NY liscense plate! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 21, 2006 Author Share Posted August 21, 2006 OK, makes sense...DW has not tried contact since our last conversation. Parents and friends seem to think she is waiting until we get back stateside before trying to reinsert herself into our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 DW has not tried contact since our last conversation. Parents and friends seem to think she is waiting until we get back stateside before trying to reinsert herself into our lives. If I were you... I wouldn't accept her back into the home until she proved she's in adherance with her psychiatrist's treatment plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 If I were you... I wouldn't accept her back into the home until she proved she's in adherance with her psychiatrist's treatment plan. Got to go with Lady Jane on that one. Otherwise, its back to "GO" and game reset. I'm beginning to think that your moving to Ag. combined with a multitutude of other "crisis events" may have set this whole thing off. Being carrer Marines, you could put me anywhere for any extend length of time and it wouldn't phase me. A lot of people can't handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 Same here...Dont much care where they send me, I can make it liveable. On the other hand, DW didnt have a base, commissary, and a bunch of Gringos to chum with, so it could have been the determining factor, or one of them, for her decision to bolt. Gonna PM you something to get your perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 Well, We finally arrived back in the good 'ol US of A. Feels good to breath the air. Now on to the business of getting on. Talked to DW yesterday (figured it was too cold of a manner to notify her by email), she is still up at her father's not much else to report. Kids and I have some admin work to do and then we are off to the grandparents for the weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 26, 2006 Author Share Posted August 26, 2006 After hauling butt across two continents and arriving back in the good ol' US of A, Contacted DW to notify her we were back in town. She hasnt attempted to contact since our arrival. My question is this, should it be my responsibility to haul our kids up to see her or should she put forth the effort to come see them. Mind you, she may be building a case that I am refusing to allow her to see the children, which is not the case. Just curious and fishing for perspectives. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted August 26, 2006 Share Posted August 26, 2006 Mind you, she may be building a case that I am refusing to allow her to see the children, which is not the case. Just curious and fishing for perspectives. How could you be "refusing" is she hasn't even asked? Nope... I would just continue documenting in my little spiral every day that goes by without contact from her. You already gave her contact information for you and the kids. She's digging her own grave here.... but that's not YOUR problem. Your doubtlessly worried about the effect her lack of interest is having on the kids. I can't blame you for being tempted to ease the pain for them by forcing contact. But really... if this is WHO SHE IS, isn't it better that they know it now rather than later? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 26, 2006 Author Share Posted August 26, 2006 Yep...my sentiments exactly. I keep my comments as neutral as possible when talking to the yung'ins about DW, "You know your mother loves you dearly", etc. They arent stupid by any stretch of the imagination and know the deal, they're just angry at this point, especially my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 27, 2006 Share Posted August 27, 2006 You've brought the moutain to her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 Well...off to the lawyer I go. Seps agreement should be ready then have to figure out delivery method. Another step on this friggin huge azzed mountain! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 Keep us posted, Wolf. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 Well, The lawyer was stuck in court, so I had to reschedule for tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 29, 2006 Author Share Posted August 29, 2006 OK...got the paper work. Was feeling a little nervous this morning but have since calmed down. I am ready to do this...so I guess it will be arrange a meeting and head North this Friday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 Time to man-up I suppose Last night about 10, received a phone call from my sister in law telling me that DW had been taken to the hospital yesterday morning, late afternoon. Seems that her not eating had gotten the best of her again and resulted in another psychotic episode. Of course the first thing that enters my mind is, "Go North, fasterer! She needs you!" But instead, I call MIL and FIL to ask WTF? I was a leetle upset that no one had bothered to notify me about it when it happened. So I am grilling MIL, just wanting to know if she is ok (of course I get the run around and had to put my foot down with her, telling her to quit messing around and give me a straight answer). She responds that she is doing ok and in the psych ward for 24 hours of observation, having multiple tests run, and that all she wanted to do is "call her son to tell him she loved him and wish him a happy birthday", to which the first thought that pops into my head "well, why didnt she?" Anyway, after doing a dance with MIL for a while (forgot to mention we were at a friends house celebrating my sons 16th birthday at the time) which quickly became tiring I called FIL. FIL tells me she is alright and had another one of her "spells" (hopefully you can glean a little more of what I am dealing with respect to MIL/FIL), and that she was ok. I asked him point blank should we come up or not to which he replied he didnt think it was necessary and to let him call me the next day when he had a better handle on what was going on. Told him to tell her "I loved her and hoped she got better soon" (mistake?)So the kids and I went back to the hotel (kids were against going up as well, they are not too enamored with DW at this point). Today, called the hospital a little while ago just to check and see if she was fine. Of course, the nurse didnt want to give out personal info over the phone, to which I said "not looking for personal info, I just want to know she is ok." She asked if I wanted to speak to her, and I told her I did not believe it would be in her best interest to hear my voice right now. She said she is fine. Told the nurse to tell her "the kids and I hope she feels better and is out of there soon." Whether she gives the message or not , I know not. I guess what I want to know is am I playing this one correctly? We are still in a NC (last resort technique) situation. Of course, every fibre of my being is screaming to be by her side, but I dont know if it would help or hurt (even my gut instinct is a toss up 50/50; show too much concern take a step back; show too little take a step back) my current predicament. Could it be that she is doing this to herself to keep me tethered or snap me back into line after I havent been chasing for going on a month now. Am I showing too much, too little concern? I guess I will wait for the moment and see what falls out. Patience young Padi-Wan, I must learn patience. Any insights. Anyone, anyone, Bueller? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 You COA remains the same, and you maintain your prepared positions that you've put so much work into over the last couple of months. That COA is: She's got a husband and family that loves her, and a home to come to. That she's got to work her way back into the fold, and part of that means getting the necessary medical attention that she needs. Anything short of that and your setting yourself up for more of the same. She's chossen to be where she's at ~ and that's not your responsiblity. You've got to for the sake of your family dynamics as a whole and your responsiblity to your children demands that you not place them in a dysfunctional home. They've suffered enough already with all of this drama. Would you let anyone other than you wife come into your home and create this much drama? I think not. No, I don't think you screwed up telling the nurse to tell her you loved her. She's your wife, she's the mother of your children, she's another human being, and a significant person in your life. That's just a re-enforcement of my first paragraph above. As far as going to see her? The MIL and FIL and children, and half of your gut is telling you not to ~ and I would say that gives your answer. I see little to be gained ~ other than to further enable her in her behavior. Which win, lose or draw ~ cannot go on within the context of the marriage. What about deleiverying the Legal Seps? With the most recent episode and given the weather, might not be the best timing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 Yeah...I actually started chuckling thinking about me strolling into the psyche ward to deliver the seps agreement. Can hear the staff now, "What a heartless bastard he is"...hehe...So I am holding on that until the picture becomes a little clearer. For now, we are staying put. Maybe this will be impetus for her to get the counseling/treatment she needs; than again, maybe not. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 You might even had to have pulled your K-Bar and fought your way of the ward like Indiana Jones. It just all comes across as manipulative to me ~ especially the bit about "I just want to call my son and wish him a Happy Birthday" Just so much drama. The stance is as I said before, she's got a home, she got a loving husband, and family. It once was un-conditional, but now its conditional. And that condition is that she submits hersellf to medical help. There's no telling until she gets a full medical workup here in the USA. Not from some MD that graduated from Witch Doc U. in South America. What's up with this privacy business ~ you're her husband, and therefore legally her next of kin not the IL's. Of course you would have to provide documentation to that effect of some sort. The MIL sounds like to me she got let out in the hot sun too many innings. I'd 96 that and deal with the FIL and SIL as my "in-country" contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 I believe its OSHA standards or somesuch. I dont think they can release medical info over the phone for exactly the reason you stated, they dont know that I am who I say I am. I have no doubts, if I wanted, I could march into the ward, flash my id and be allowed to see/talk to her. The MIL is a man hater and has done her level best to be rid of me. She vacillates back and forth between talking to me and being a pain in the azz. It depends on whether her daughter on that day has seen fit to treat her as mom or pariah; mom = I'm a bad guy; pariah = I'm her bestest buddy. SIL is still torqued because DW hasnt spoken to her either in over a month and is clueless as to what is happening. What really got me cranked was the fact I found out about all this through SIL whom was informed by MIL whom didnt think it necessary to inform me herself. I know, petty, but its one other piece of this claptrap that I have to deal with day in and day out. Its a giant freakin soap opera revolving around one person, DW. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 When you're over 1000 miles away! No doubt the DW has some mental issues that need to be addressed, but I'm not conviced that she's not in control of her facalties and not responsible ~ she just doesn't want to be. That's a big difference. To be honest what I think is called for her is some "Tough Love" There's two book on the market about the subject that I know of ~ and while the applicable to teenagers ~ I'm not enitrely convinced that some of us wouldn't benifiit from reading them (I've got both copies ~ just never needed them with my children) I think that's where Lady Jane comes from is "tough-love" Tough titty said the kitty!" We all need some tough-love now and again. Life's hard, no matter who or what you are. Get over it! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 You're the 'man on the ground', Wolf. There's no way we can judge your wife's mental illness as genuine or not from here, but I have to admit that I'm inclined to agree with Gunny. It doesn't appear that she's putting much effort into getting better. She's certainly noncompliant with her treatment plan if she's not eating. (If memory serves you posted that as an issue earlier. ) Some patients don't have enough on the ball to be responsible for compliance though. That said, some do.... and continue to make poor choices anyway. Overall, I still agree with Gunny that 'tough-love' is best. She needs to WANT to get better. Having to put some effort in and WORK for it might give her impetus. Bear in mind that I'm not a mental health professional, and you could probably do with some professional advice at this point. A frank talk with her psychiatrist would be best..... but you've run afoul of HIPAA. You'll need her to sign a 'release of information' in order to talk to him/her about it. Do you think your wife's father could help you arrange it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted September 1, 2006 Author Share Posted September 1, 2006 Not sure whether he would or wouldnt, I'll have to ask...but...FIL did call me yesterday and DW has been diagnosed with depression and is back on the prozac. She also starts a counseling program in a couple of weeks, definitely a step in the right direction as long as it was her seeking the counseling and not something ordered and she sticks with it. This could also be another ploy by her to refocus attention in her direction. I dont know, time will tell. Meanwhile, the kids and I will stay in place bunkered up to the nines, sandbags filled, fields of fire cleared, ready to take on all comers. Now, if it would only stop raining so it doesnt ruin Labor Day weekend and the beach. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolfp Posted September 4, 2006 Author Share Posted September 4, 2006 Just a quick update...Chuck my marriage coach gave me an ovation over the phone. Told him I was going to lose respect for him if he didnt quit clapping. hehe. All in all, he said I was on the right track and really cant see anything wrong with the way I am approaching things (ie not rushing to fix every problem she has). Still no contact with her since she returned from the hospital. FIL told me she planned on calling the kids, guess she hasnt found the time thus far...On the upside, I did buy myself a new laptop from which I am sending this. Pretty cool and relatively cheap. Guess I will send DD off to college with it once she departs, buy another then send DS off with his own as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Just a quick update...Chuck my marriage coach gave me an ovation over the phone. Told him I was going to lose respect for him if he didnt quit clapping. hehe. All in all, he said I was on the right track and really cant see anything wrong with the way I am approaching things (ie not rushing to fix every problem she has). Still no contact with her since she returned from the hospital. FIL told me she planned on calling the kids, guess she hasnt found the time thus far...On the upside, I did buy myself a new laptop from which I am sending this. Pretty cool and relatively cheap. Guess I will send DD off to college with it once she departs, buy another then send DS off with his own as well. I'm in agreement with 'Chuck the marriage coach'. I think you're doing great. It's a difficult thing to stand back and wait. But 'rushing out to fix all the problems' wouldn't require your wife to meet you halfway. Right now, she can't even get her sh*t together enough to check on her kids, let alone bring any kind of work ethic to the marriage table. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Steady as she goes! Stay the course, and damned the torpedos! Link to post Share on other sites
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