Getting Seperated...totally lost

[scrybe74]

ilmw - I almost speechless (almost - which says a lot because i'm long winded)

 

First of all I'm so very sorry for you pain man. You've done an incredible thing by showing us all your inside....the good and the bad. I've never read from another man here who so eloquently describes his pain from a man's perspective.

 

I'm also impressed with your actions. You are doing the right things, having the right thoughts and incredibly you are ACTUALLY listening to the advice of others and following through.

 

I don't pray very much but I'm going to pray for you today that your wife will give you another chance.

 

Look...it sounds like she's still very conflicted but that she's committed to seeing this move through. Keep your chin up and keep doing what your doing. Your and inspiration to a lot of people. If my girl ever leaves me I hope that I have half the courage, insight and will to continue on that you do.

[scrybe74]

Okay....I just sent the prayer up....hope it works.....

[Gunny376]

I feel very strongly that the wife moving out ~ selling the house ~ all of that is being done out of sheer determination to do this~!

 

When I went through this ~ the only reason I could get out of the XW was:

 

"You've GOT to change ~ and so I'm going to divorce you to make you change!!!"

 

That's it! That's all I've ever gotten out of her? Twelve years of marriage ~ and sixteen since the divorce.

 

And, so since our stories are similar expecially with the military and law enforcement background + the hyperattentivness syndrone ~ and its insuing effects on the homelife ~ I think that this is what you're dealing with. I don't think the wife is capable at this time of articulating emotiolnally nor rationally the why that she's doing what she's doing ~ other than that it is something that she has to do ~ perhaps in a desperate attempt to get you to change ~ and that she needs very long term assurances that you're not going to wig out and wuss out on her. That your going to "man up" and "Alpha-up" and stay that way, (you understand what I'm saying "now" that you and I have the same grid coordinates and a mutual point of reference)

 

I've got to bug out for work ~ but I do believe that this is very, very much all on auto-pilot now! Just leave the f**k alone, don't poke it with a stick to see if its (the relationship) is still alive, kicking.

 

She's very much testing you, and doesn't even realize it on the conscious level and that you (now) and I comprehend that fact. The thing is you now have the knowledge, understand, comprehension, appreciation of what is going on ~ and the skill set to begin to deal with it!

 

You know where you've been, and where you're at ~ now you must determine where you must go ~ and for now that is alone. You must cross the desert before you come to the oasis. It may be a long and ardous journey.

 

Don't forget what Lady Jane and the others have told you.

 

Be strong like the oak, but bend like the willow~!

 

 

Guns

 

PS ~ I'll say a prayer for you too!

[ilmw]

Thx guys....

 

I feel (and that is just it) I feel for "real." That is one of the biggest changes I have experienced.

 

Like a smoker who quites... and can now taste things like he never had before... colours are brighter... the sky is bluer?? The are more shades of gray.

 

I have found that I have become so much more aware of life in general. It is easier to be around other people...I want to be nicer... and it comes naturally...now...

Thi not because of my DW .... its because of me.

 

Weird how you can become so wrapped in something and not know it.... and when you get slapped in the face (marital seperation) you wake the hell up!

 

Thx for praying guys... a few months ago I would have laughed at that....but as I have said before... I have become humbled... put on my ass... and have climbed back up on top of my sand hill... I am the king of my sand castle.... They only one who can knock me of is me... and from all that I have learned.... about me... that will not happen again. I am no where near being self-actualized....but I have learned to feel when the sh*t...is gonna hit the fan...little flags go up.. and I now mentaly change the channel..or get busy...(laundry...washing something...etc...)

 

Posting on LS is kinda like a jounal for me... one that answers me back sometimes.... ( rather Alice in wonderlandish.. )

 

But anyone else new reading this... it realy does help to write out what you feel... get it out... and someone will here will give you something you can use....

 

I thought all was lost... even me... but I found things people said... and thought about it... some of it hit a cord... I then decided this is not gonna kill me... I will not give up:mad:!! Get your sh@t together... wake the f*ck up and get on with your life.... tust me ... we all know this is hard.... but its worth it for you... As so many people have said not just to me but others.... If you can't sort yourself out... and get it together... how the hell do you expect the one who has left to ever want to be with you again if you become even more desirabel.... Change for the better.... it benifits you.... and if we never get a second chance... well hay.... we will survive and move on with our life.

 

Thes are not my ideas but stolen freely from the kind folks who have taken the time to advise me in my ongoing times of need....

 

Today is a good day... and they are more frequent... but it still hurts like hell.... just don't show in public... thats what a garage or bathroom is for.

 

Well all I realy wanted to do was says thanks for the words and I stared rambling:D

 

Take care all... be strong.. be safe...

 

ilmw

[Becoming]

Thanks for update, ilmw. You're going to be fine. It's amazing how much you've grown through this. It's like you've become . . . human.

 

Go on the trip. It's great travelling alone. You get to think and just BE and do what you want when you want.

 

Now you know how to tend a relationship. Just keep in mind that there's no such thing as a low-maintenance relationship, even though it may seem like someone is low-maintenance, they're really not.

 

All the best . . .

[Gunny376]

You've come a long ways from where you were. It sounds like your well on your way to getting your head together.

 

And, it sounds that not only have you come to accept it all for what it is ~ but have gotten it wrapped around your head ~ that no matter what ~ its going to be ok!

 

I think the trip will be a hugh step even more in that direction ~ you can get a lot worked out ~ and accomplished on a long road trip. New faces, and some new scenery will re-charge your spirit and your mind ~ leaving all of the negatives behind with the miles!

 

Keep on truckin'~!

 

Best of luck ~

 

Guns

[ilmw]

Now you know how to tend a relationship. Just keep in mind that there's no such thing as a low-maintenance relationship, even though it may seem like someone is low-maintenance, they're really not.

 

************************************

Thx Becoming.... What I meant by this was that my previous 2 ltr were stressful to the extreme...!! At times I realy wished I was not with them.... minds games were the favourite pass time for both of them.... making me angry with things they said or would do... both of those relationships were unhealthy.... and I was lucky I got out...

 

Now with my DW... our relationship was started with a friendship and progressed.. slowly. There were never any mind games... It was very healthy and happy... for the most. Although I do not take 100% blame for the break down of my marriage... I do know that my lack of understanding of what my wife's EN's (let me say that in the begining I knew how to make her happy... because I had my head screwed on right... over the years my job and some of my past crept up on me... I lost my ability to cope... and I guess in her eyes I changed to such and extreme.. (cold and quick to anger at little things)...that I was not the man she fell in love with).

 

I know this to be true.. and don't fault her... I love her and want her to be happy. I just was not able... capable to show her my feelings that were deep down inside. Sounds like a (male excuse) but its true. It was like I was possesed... The real me trapped inside my own body screaming to get out... to show feelings... to have fun... to show my silly side. But I felt trapped by myself. Lost in my self created darkness.... I was far too serious... not the happy go lucky guy I once was.

 

Over the past few months I have found the 'self' I once was.... but now... I have found a new found freedom from the 'self' that I had become... I escaped my self imposed prison.... I can feel again.. I can only thank my DW for waking me up.... I just wish it could have a better outcome for our relationship.

 

I have found that I have a much bigger heart than I ever thought.... There are so many things I could do now that would make my DW happy... but alas.... she wants out. Its funny how this happens....

 

Now before anyone says.... hay move on... or get over her... or don't beat yourself up.... I know... I know.... I know I can't do anything other than what I am doing. My problem now is.... I FEEL THINGS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALONG TIME.... Like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.... wonderful... but painful at the same time.

 

Once again I was going to make a short post... and blabed on:o

 

Thanks again to you all who have given me your thoughts and well wishes.. spiritual and et al...

 

ilmw

[Becoming]

Scrybe said it well:

You've done an incredible thing by showing us all your inside....the good and the bad. I've never read from another man here who so eloquently describes his pain from a man's perspective.

 

Somehow life does this to us if we're not careful--it imprisons us slowly over time, like the Poe story "The Cask of Amontillado" slowly walling us in one brick at a time by luring us with the supposed goodness of life stored away somewhere in the basement of unconsciousness. One day, ya turn around and "Wow! How'd that happen? I'm walled in." Somewhere you know it's happening as it's happening, but you don't know how to do anything differently, so you go numb or give up and give in to despair until someone/thing wakes you up with an emergency situation. It happens to us all, I think, and it's sad.

 

You've expressed what my H has been going through, too--emerging from the prison where he didn't feel anything. It's my work as well. It hurts to be alive, so it's understandable that we find all kinds of ways to numb the pain.

 

But now we get to learn other ways of handling the pain. And most times that's a good thing, though there are days . . .

 

Thanks for letting us view the beauty of your soul's struggle to emerge from its cocoon. We can glimpse a glorious butterfly in the making.

[Gunny376]

I personally believe we've all been sold a bill of goods ~ since we were small that life is suppose to be one way ~ only to find out the true reality of life. We're spoon fed imagies almost from birth. That we're all going to grow up to be millionaires, sport hero's and live the life of movie stars.

 

We make choices in and with out lives, not realizing that with each passsing day, week, month, year another door of opporutnity is closed to us, sealed and locked behind us forever. Few of us are told, and even if we are ~ it don't fully comprehend its impact ~ that the choices that we make today ~ can affect who and what we become ~ and where we find oursleves years from now.

 

Like the lyrics from the Song "Darkside of the Moon" we're running around on a piece of ground in our hometown ~ when one day we realize ten years have passes and then the alarm bells set off ~ and we begin to realize that we're in a race ~ that we never realized we were in. Everyone comes to a point in their life when you realize that you've probally got more good days behind you that you do ahead of you.

 

You wake up one morning and you get your bearings, and your wits about you and you just have to stand there in shock and awe, wondering "How in the Hell did I end up here?"

[DesperateDad]

You wake up one morning and you get your bearings, and your wits about you and you just have to stand there in shock and awe, wondering "How in the Hell did I end up here?"

 

Gunny, you are SO right.

[Becoming]

Yeah, I think you're right about all the images, Gunny. My grandparents' generation knew life was hard. They saw children die of a cold turned pneumonia with no pennicillin. They were glad for any work. They knew limitations early and came not to expect so much. My grandmother used to tell me "Life is what you make it." And this was her philosophy. She didn't expect anything from anyone, so anything she got was received gratefully as gift. And she was happy. She and my GF knew marriage was what each of them made it to be and they loved one another. I know their life was hard, but sometimes I envy their happiness, the sense of community they had with an endless stream of people visiting and having time to help one another out or just shoot the breeze for awhile with a glass of lemonade and gossip.

 

My 18-yr-old students expect that they're going to graduate from college and that there'll be folks lined up outside their door waiting to beg them to come work for them at 100K/year for 40hrs/week 4 weeks' vacation each year. They're going to meet their model spouse and live happily ever after with 2.3 kids and a sheepdog and cat named Muffy. I kid you not! I get this all the time. Any problems will be resolved in 30 mins. sit-com style. And if life doesn't go this way, we'll just throw the people away and start over.

 

To be honest, I think we all were duped like this; my students are still kids and naive enough to say all this. But we were, too. Until one day, ya wake up, clueless as to how you got where you are, wondering after all the hard work if ya even want it.

[ilmw]

Yeah, I think you're right about all the images, Gunny. My grandparents' generation knew life was hard. They saw children die of a cold turned pneumonia with no pennicillin. They were glad for any work. They knew limitations early and came not to expect so much. My grandmother used to tell me "Life is what you make it." And this was her philosophy. She didn't expect anything from anyone, so anything she got was received gratefully as gift. And she was happy. She and my GF knew marriage was what each of them made it to be and they loved one another. I know their life was hard, but sometimes I envy their happiness, the sense of community they had with an endless stream of people visiting and having time to help one another out or just shoot the breeze for awhile with a glass of lemonade and gossip.

 

My 18-yr-old students expect that they're going to graduate from college and that there'll be folks lined up outside their door waiting to beg them to come work for them at 100K/year for 40hrs/week 4 weeks' vacation each year. They're going to meet their model spouse and live happily ever after with 2.3 kids and a sheepdog and cat named Muffy. I kid you not! I get this all the time. Any problems will be resolved in 30 mins. sit-com style. And if life doesn't go this way, we'll just throw the people away and start over.

 

To be honest, I think we all were duped like this; my students are still kids and naive enough to say all this. But we were, too. Until one day, ya wake up, clueless as to how you got where you are, wondering after all the hard work if ya even want it.

 

**************************************

Yup....my grandparents were the same way.... survived hard times... WW2 and the afterwar rationing (UK) they had 3 daughters.... never any money... but they loved each other.... when my grandfather died... my grandmother did not last too long after... sad but true

 

Yes we have a throw away society... Canada is not at all different than the USA in that area from my experience...

 

I too had at an early age romantic ideals of what marriage would be like.... my problem was that I had no real model from an early age to follow... my parents spilt when I was 8 and my mother did not realy date until I was in my 20's.....

 

The only real male rolemodel I ever had was My Sgt in my Army Basic Training in England.... I was 16 and had a very sheltered life (thanks mom)... I still deal with stuff that happened back then... in my military days. 7 years of self imposed exhile.... I came back to Canada...and found I know anyone.... the grass was not at all greener:confused:

 

I never had a clue when it came to LTR.... When my DW and I got together.... I had more of an understanding what I would not put up with... but I had never understood EM's...

 

It was easy at first to meet hers naturally... but as anyone knows who is in or has been in a LTR.... day to day grind..etc...makes that hard to do...

 

I just wish I knew then what I know now about tending a relationship.... things would have been different...

 

Oh well....what can you do but... try.. try.. again:)

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

my grandparents, who had raised my seven children through farming and mostly through the Great Depression ~ and then turned around a raised me. We lived so far back up in the woods ~ when I first enlisted in the Marines for four years, they just through I had gone to town to check the mail. (Family joke). We got our water from a well (me) had a fire place and a wood burning stove for heat, and an out house.

 

There's a lot of reasons that marriages lasted longer back in the "good old" days, but you're right there's nothing to prepare us for the modern day version of marriages. What use to be considered as "niceities" are essentials. Refrigerators, electric stoves, store bought bread, store bought milk, butter, vegetables, etc. Air conditioning, dishwashers, etc.

 

And, I wouldn't beat yourself up too awlful badly. There was nothing in our experience, not our schooling, military experience, not even our own families, and most certainly not our parents.

 

Marriage is definately OJT. I guess all of us here at LS, are fortunate for this forum, and the internet ~ at least we're looking for the solutions to the problems and the questions to the answers ~ many are not. They just stumble through serial monogomy ~ or give up completely.

 

And, yes becoming your students are in for a big awakening ~ I know plenty of peple with four year degrees that are working for $8 an hour in jobs that could have gotten had they not goine to college ~ but the insult to injury is that now they have four year degrees with a student loan ~ and still working jobs that start out at $8 an hour. I know people that have teaching degrees that are workig those kind of jobs ~ albiet its beause they don't want to leave home ~ and they're waiting for someone to die, reitire or otherwisw an opening but none the less that's the reality of it,

 

Like the old saying goies ~ "Love is blind ~ marriage is the eye opener!"

 

I found this thread interesting ~ might be of some help to someone~

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

I just got back from my in-laws. They live about 2.5 hrs away. My DW had taken the kids up there on Thursday and stayed until Sunday.. she then came home that afternoon.

 

We ended up watching a movie together... then after started a causual conversation.. I then brought up that we should tell our 5 yr old about the fact that I would not be moving with them at the end of the month. She seemed uncomforatable and did not think that we should tell him the fact that "mommy does not love daddy anymore"... I then brought up visitation.. when and how we would work it out... she kept asking my opinion. I was not very forth coming... as she initiated all this seperation crap. She then asked if again if I wanted the king size bed... I told her I did not not. To many memories in that bed. When I asked her why she did not want it she kept on telling me she just did not want it. (I guess??? she feels the same way about it??

 

Well Yesterday she went back to work and I decided as I had not seen the boys since Thursday I would go visit them for the day... I called my Fathe in law and he said come on over.. so I did. When I arrived both the boys were over the moon to see me... we hung out.. I took them into the local town and got chips and some snacks for them and brought along my sister in law because she needed to pick up some stuff for mom in law... Later I took the boys swimming at the local swimming hole... had a great afternoon with them. On the way back I remembered my DW uncle live on that road... so I dropped in and had a visit. That probably was the longest conversation I ever had with him... He is in fact a realy nice guy... never took the time to realy find out before...

 

I had intended to leave around 9pm but I got talking with father in law.. had a long talk... He brought up my DW... I was careful not to ask any questions from anyone.. as I did not want to appear to be spying..etc.

 

He mentioned he had know idea where this was all coming from.. and that he did not understand it... She appears to be pushing me away and creating distance... he told me that he had spoken with her and told her that he basically thought she was making a mistake... that he thought the boys would end up hating her for this...(harsh .. but maybe true) He also mentioned that he thought that when she is in her new home with the boys, she is gonna find it a lot harder than she thinks. (she is excited to be getting that house... from what I have seen it is very nice.. but quite a bit smaller than ours)

 

All in all he hoped that she will see this is a mistake and we can patch this up... I thanked him for his support.. it felt good not to be made to feel like the enemy..

 

I ended spending the night as I was tired and the hour of night.. I slept in with my little guy and it was very peacful..

 

This morning I left around 9am.. both the boys wanted me to stay.. I probably could have stayed a little longer... but I was starting to break down ... a told the boys I would see them soon... My DW can explain why I wont be at the family reunion on the weekend.

 

Here is the point of this all... I had not even left the drive way...when my tears came rolling down my face... Thank god I was wearing sunglassed... They came freely and stayed until the end of a very long road and came back a couple of times during the 2.5hr drive home.

 

If this is going to be the shape of things to come... it is going to be even harder than I truely thought. I miss my boys.. I miss her family..(they still consider me their son..our wedding photos are still proudly on display in their living room) .. but most of all..... I miss her.

 

ilmw

 

PS.. Gunny.. the Alpha male CD's realy help.. thx again

[DieselPWR]

Hang in there man, you are doing great; it helps to cry sometimes, shows your still human, although some macho guys would never admit to crying. I have no shame in it, I try not to do it around others , cause I don't want to have everyone I work with to know what's going on. The roller coaster will take a dip, but it'll start to climb again. It's funny how the good days start being more frequent, and the bad times less; but then, blam! Hit in the side of the head. You are stronger than me if you can still look at the wedding photos and keep your head together. I have all of my pictures of my wife in a drawer in my bedroom. Every once in a while, I will take a look at them, and how happy we were. But I can't look at em everyday.

My self I am going to look up the alpha male thing; need to be more assertive, and confident.

Good job, hope you're keeping cool; its almost 115 here in the southeast US. Whew! Sweating like.....(you fill in the blank)

[Gunny376]

post a new thread to ask about you!

 

Glad to hear you're getting along ~ and maintaining! There are going to be days ~ which that's all you can manage to accomplish. You're still on the E-ride from Hell, and all you can do is get in, sit down, shut up, grab a hold of something and ride that bitch all the way to the ground. You're in this for the long haul. I didn't promise you it would be fun? And, I didn't promis you it would be pretty!

 

The new house for the wife ~ she's just in deco mode ~ thinking about how she's going to fix it up. She'll go through that for a couple of months or more.

 

In economics class ~ they talk about "oddles" What an oddle is ~ is the feeling you get from owning something or doing something ~ that doesn't otherwise have any true financial value that can be assigned to it. That's what the wife is getting from the new house ~ oddles. It won't last ~ it never does. She can buy all new furniture, applicances, fix the place up, spend endless hours looking at home interior decorating mags, and when she get it just right ~ one thing is going to be missing ~ you!

 

So that actually works in your favor! Just give it time, the tide is turning your way.

 

You see now where I was coming from with the "Alpha Male" material? How less is more? How letting go, is moving forward? How yielding is gaining? How a man must do what he can, until his destiny is revealed to him? How all of this is a dance ~ and the man must take the lead.

 

The drive way thing with your driving away ~ crying. Hey, Dude your only human. I'd be more concern if you didn't cry! Hell, I cry all the time ~ I just "man-up" and don't do it in front of others. (Had to go back and edit this part ~ sometimes my PTSD catches me in the weridist places ~ like the parking lot at WalMart ~ I see or hear something ~ BAM! I've got the thousnd mile stare, and tears in my eye! Even today ~ I so want to be in denial ~ so want to hide it.

 

I cry everytime I turn on the History Chanel (actually flip through it and catch a scene ~ I don't go there anymore) or watch Fox news, and see one of my "brothers" catch it in Iraq! I guess you're watching "Cops" and seeing one of your "brothers" going through "it" would be the same for you!

 

This is something a lot of women don't and won't ever get ~ the "brotherhood" Its in the blood, and to the bone!

 

Both of you are going through your own personal PTSD. The wedding photos are "triggers" You've got to know them and identify them when you come across them. They're not bad things, just triggers that can and will send you there.

 

You do now understand that the "Alpha Male" material is about finding your "center" as a man, as a male. And, not just about getting dates, and getting laid. That its about re-gaining control over yourself, your life, your exsistence? That its about re-gainng your confidence, your self-esteem, self-respect,...............that's it OK to be a man, to be a male?

[ilmw]

Im glad you are on LS bud.

 

My last post was on a realy down day.. but the drive home was refreshing... drove with no music.. nothing.. 2.5 hrs of my own thoughts...

 

Just recently my DW warms up/then cools off? I see the slips..she tells me about her day.. like this morning..I never asked her. She just tells me she had a realy exciting night (police stuff..car chase etc) She is Up and down.. I remained interested and calm.. nodding head and giving her 100% focus when she spoke with out hanging onto her ever word.

 

This move is going to be hard on everyone. I think when she is packing up the photos (there are lots in boxes to) this will start to effect her more. But I should not think this...

 

Thanks for the encouragement re: after she has moved in to the new house.. and decorated. I will not get my hopes up... but it is hard not too.

 

I just need to focus on what I need to do... my life.

 

At work it is decisson time for me.. I have been given the possible option of staying in my Office (Detective) or go back to uniform. Still playing with that.. in the office I am always on call... (cell always on ..on my hip) In uniform, days off are days off.. unless WWIII starts...knock on wood.. NO!

 

Now that I am going to be single seperated dad.. my time off will be even more important to me... this I think in the end will be the deciding factor.

 

I called the boys last night to see how they were doing and what they had been up to... my S/Son12 said he was bored and wished I was coming to the family reunion, "it won't be the same without you". I told him I had to work.. but he already knew the real reason.. DW not wanting me their. When I spoke with my S5 he was acting all silly.. misbevaing (more than he normally does) He accidentally hung up.. My S/Son12 called me back and I could hear S5 crying in the back ground... in a nut shell.. my D5 told me he missed me and wanted to come home. I told him his mommy would be coming up in the morning with his uncle and cousin. He then asked if I had to work.. I told him yes... the truth.. I do (I could take the time off..call in sick) he was very upset and wanted me to come... My point here is...?? Is this the shape of things to come.. my little boy crying all the time and my S/Son sad all the time... Does the DW not see this and how it is causing all this pain? Saying this I already know she is in some kind of bubble and all gung-ho to get her new home.. but crap!!

 

Just venting... I get angry sometimes..cause this could all be prevented...ahhhhh

 

Luckly I don't stay angry to long.. have managed to find was to change my mood to... happy or atleast neutral. Only realy had one raised voice session with the DW since this all came about... not bad considering all the high charged emotions...etc.

 

DP..thanks for your words.. I have been following your posts... you sound like you are getting your sh*t together.. thats great. I'll try and give you more of my 2 cents.. but as we all know.. some times we just want to blubber

 

Take care all...be good..be safe...and thanks

 

ilmw

[ilmw]

Well, I on my days off now... I work 4 on 4 off... Last night managed to clear a bunch of my work.. came in little early and got my head in the game....

 

My DW Txt me about finding out about how much we owed for day care for our S5.. i txt back that i had already taken care off it. (a while back I would have let her worry about it)

 

Near the end of my shift, I went on the WWW and printed off a bunch of maps for my possible road trip in September. The more I do this the more excited I get. It realy is helping my mood and happiness level. Gives me something to look forward to. I have a 'sorta' plan so far..but it needs to be tweeked:p

 

I have never been down through the Western States.. so the mystery and excitment level is there.

 

Here is a question for all/any of my American cousins south of the border... How safe are rest stops on the Interstate Hwy's?? I have not been to the states since 95. So I have no clue... I remember there were some safety issuses in the Mid 90's on (I95)

 

I watched, There is something about Mary on TV when I got home this morning at 1:00am... the scene at the rest stop where Ben Stiller goes for a Pi#s and gets arrested ...hahah. That got me thinking...about the rest stops.

 

The past few days I have been feeling realy calm... about all that is going on. Not sure that I am just getting used to the idea of the seperation.. or just becoming defensively numb? Not seeing the DW helps.. because I can't see her... but I do miss her. I also miss the boys very much. I think they come home today.. but I'm not sure...its along weekend and DW's entire extended family are at her parents property. Bid party/get together.

 

I wonder if DW notices me (gone)? I know a lot of her Aunts liked me.. so I (I should not be doing this) but wonder if they would/will say anything to her. I know her Grand Mother will be pissed.. she thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. Blah Blah Blah...

 

Oh well... better get back to yard work and laundry.. doing a 180' When ever DW would go away with the kids in the past.. she would come back to the house looking like a single guys pad... Crap every where.. dished pilled up in the sink and laundry needing to be done. I have to say... I have become a lot neater since this all began. Wow another positive change...hahahhha. Well if we never do get back together... I will be a centered, ballanced, whole, neat and tidy man....who does laundry and cooks. (sounds like a personal add)

 

Wow I feel better for doing this post... its amazing how just typing on this keyboard can lift up your spirits.

 

Take care all...

ilmw

[Gunny376]

You're making progress, doing the 180's, staying busy, "falling back into your life", moving forward.

 

That's one of the key lessons to learn from all of this ~ Its not just about where you've been ~ its about where you're going as well!" That's one of those things during one of your long drives, you need to turn off the radio and give some serious ponderance to.

 

You need to "see" the long term in all of this ~ and the long term effects of your short term decisions and actions.

 

Short term, the wife is gone, moved out, is buying a house, etc. I've seen people get divorce, be separated and get back together years later. One couple I know went through a bitter divorce, and re-married 10 years later. It happens more than you know.

 

Its been years since I was on the West Coast. Most states after Michael Jordan's father was murdrered have attendants manning the rest stops 24/7, with regular patrols by the Highway Patrol and Local Police, Sherriff's. So, they're pretty safe these days. Proablly less so around major cities.

 

If you're going to be carrying you pistol with you, I would call and check out what the applicable laws would be in the states that you're traveling in. Out west they get a little screwy in my opinion. The Southern states have signed agreements that recogize each other pistol permitts from one state to the other ~ but not all of the states have agreements like that.

I personally wouldn't travel without mine. Too many crazed druggies in need of fix running around these days.

[ilmw]

 

If you're going to be carrying you pistol with you, I would call and check out what the applicable laws would be in the states that you're traveling in. Out west they get a little screwy in my opinion. The Southern states have signed agreements that recogize each other pistol permitts from one state to the other ~ but not all of the states have agreements like that.

I personally wouldn't travel without mine. Too many crazed druggies in need of fix running around these days.

 

***********************************

The gun laws up here are VERY strick.. Id probably lose my job if I got caught carrying my S&W 40. across the border. As you drive into Canada.. (Ontario) there is/was a big sign advising US Tourists.. No guns! ( exception being hunters with appropriate documents.

 

The gun laws up here give a small sence of safety... but from my own experience... the Bad guys don't realy follow these laws... hand guns found on people(BAD) seems to be on the increase... I treat everyone the same you have a gun until proven otherwise... to often I have search someone a (hello what is this).

 

Thx for the info on the rest stops... I don't intend to go near to many cities... out to see the country side.. moutains and desert. Get me a cowboy hat... Take lots of photos and make a journal of my odyssey.

 

Come back with lots of stories...I need some new ones.

 

I think I will take a bunch of shoulder flashes from my Service in case I run into any of the Blue Brother Hood... ( get pulled over;))lots of them collect patches...

 

Have a great weekend

ilmw

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

I was just sitting on my deck having a coffee and thinking...

 

I was thinking of my DW's family... they are having a big annual get together this weekend.

 

It dawned on me that I have been to judgemental about many of them... I sometimes thought/felt above many of them. This was unintentional... I have never been a snob or an elitist. I feel cause of the job.. I only see the worst in people and the sheer stupitidy of some that I began to paint everyone with the same paint brush.

 

I felt pretty bad...

 

I never used to do this... I became so closed minded. Then it struck me that... I have/had changed... into someone I did not like (well I figured that out months ago) I once had such an open mind.. people, things... etc Now I can clearly see how and why I changed into this anal.. grumpy...arse

 

Through the past few months... I have felt my level of prejudgement has changed... I have gotten to the point that I just don't care. Maybe that is what it was before.. I thought about others to much (negatively) I found I look at people now with out a bunch of (thoughts) running through my head... ie: looks like a sh@t head! (term for criminal)

 

I will always be a little more vigilant than most.. due to the nature of my (gig) But.. I am finding it easier to look past other's short comings.. and outwards appearance... It just isn't fair... Who am I to judge...??

 

Reflection is a worthwhile endevour... Like a steam covered mirror.. you wipe your hand across it and you can see more clearly... and can look back at yourself.

 

Daily thoughts by: ilmw

[Gunny376]

your job in law enforcement ~ dealing with the low-life's, pyscho's of society, day in and day out. Its a by-product of your hyper-attentiveness. Its like being a grunt in a combat zone ~ you can't look at a woman as a woman, a child as a child ~ everyone is a potential threat!

 

Just heard of a Marine sniper who had to counter-sniper a sniper in Iraq ~ a fourteen year old girl! Unless he gets it together and keeps it together ~ he'll be dragging that dead horse around with him for the rest of his life.

 

Jobs such as the military and para-military (law enforcement) have the potential to steal your happiness and joy of life ~ if you let it!

 

You've got to re-claim the good of life, and of people. Not all people are bad, nor low-lifes. Many take the high road. Most people are about as good as you let them be. A lot of them are just plain stupid ~ and you've just got to laugh at them. We've all been there!

 

Most of all ~ you've got to re-claim the ability to laugh at yourself. The way I've got it figured, is God must be laughing at us! The way my 2 yr old GS makes me laugh and smile as he explores and learns about life. As I teach him about life ~ he's teaching me!

[ilmw]

Gunny.. You got it...

Finding something in life that brings you joy/happiness is important... and being thankful for what you do have... I am becoming more aware of this as the days and months go by...

 

I am learning to make myself happy and have learned to get a sence of humor again... not so serious:mad:

 

Its working.... I am my own best friend... again... I can stand to be alone with my own thoughts without turning into a blubbering wreck... gaining control.. but still feeling... new consept for me:laugh:

 

Hope you are having a great weekend... (here it is a long weekend) Civic Holiday...

 

ilmw

[ilmw]

Hi all,

I was alone over the weekend and it was relaxing in its own strange way... no pressure. Like being single?

 

My Dw stayed an extra day at her parents.. her mom was not feeling well so she took her place and helped with her dad landscape working...(this is the kind of woman I am losing)

 

Anyway... DW and the boys came home yesterday aftenoon.. all was calm... I felt very calm and focused... I felt nothing she could say would upset me... Well she did not say anything to upset me.. When we did talk in private she just mentioned what antics had happened at the family get together.. she the went onto talk about what she had to transfer over to the new house.. that is when she asked if I wanted my mail to go there until I had found my own place... I thought that was nice...

 

When S12 came out at one point she asked him to go back in... as we were talking.

 

I know I have mentioned this before.. but I can't believe the expressions on my DW's face at times... I know I am only guessing.. but it truly looks conflicted... Oh well.

 

(How is this for sweet...)

my D12 when he first got home.. takes me aside and says.. "get her a single rose... I learned it means I still love.. I am sorry" He insisted I do this. He wants us to stay together so badly:(

 

I think I am closer to my centre than I have been in a long time... the strength I felt when I was talking to my DW was surprising... Yes of course I wanted to reach out and touch her face and then kiss her gently... but those are only dreams/fantasies... not the reality of my life today.

 

There are little things that are happening...and, no I don't get my hopes up... I learned not to the hard way..by having expectations. My Dw at times does not appear as excited about what she is doing... I understand by some of your posts that this is normal... So I don't let it faze me... She will do what ever she will do... I'll just be there smiling..with the door slightly open... if she would like to come in for a stay:)

 

This morning she actually said good bye as she went down the stairs... came to the spare room (my room) door.. she has not done that...hmmmm well since this all started .. she has never done that. It was nice.

 

That is my life as of today...

Thanks for your wisdom and kind comments... ilmw

 

PS... anyone ever been to Sedona..Arizona... found it on the Web... I am going there for sure...looks wild..gonna get me a t-shirt and some red dirt:laugh:

[ddw5195]

you know, I have been sitting here and I have come to this form to try to get some sort of help in my marrage cause I have been married for 15yrs and then dated for 3. I was 15 when I met my husband and he had been married before and it only lasted for 6 mths so I thought nothing about it and I did not at the time cause I was so young think I was a rebound. you see I belive in the lord and power of prayer can work and it will work. I have basic the same problem but my husband bashes me. he does not beat me phiscaly he does it emotional. you see the question what you asked and what you sent has touched my heart. even though you could not let go of work being married is about loving the other so much that you want to share what you are going through. that means you know what ever kinda of day you are having you know you can go home and tell someone that loves you all about it. yes it can get to the extreme if you do not ask her how her day has gone and you just completely ingore her feelings. you see my husband I are complete oppsites I love animals and he loves himself! I am not allowed to speak of my animals and how or what was funny they did that day. he is ok with the dogs and cats but my passion is horses and he cant stand them. I am just rambling cause I am hurting to but in order to work it out you must know that you are worth far more than you are giving yourself credit for. in your letter you are in constant blame and you punish yourself. WHY? just like I have to ask myself WHY? dont you think you are worth being able to come home and tell about your day and how you are feeling and what you like and dislike? I am not saying make it all about you. ask her how was her day and let her vent when venting is needed and ask her would you like something or is there something that was important in your day. you know weather women admit it or not we like the confort zone of the nights on the couch hugging and snuggling and watching movies and we like to look into our spouse's eye and know when you are truly looking at there soul and that you know that thoose eyes only long for you and that you can trust those eyes in any thing or any where.you say you wanted to reach out and touch her face, those were only dreams.......why,why,why..... this is not a dream it is something you are used to not seeing!!!! I am the kinda person to say what I feel and as I read bits and piceses of your letter I just dont understand. this is not a dream you are afraid of rejection or what she might think bad of you. try it it might change things!! there is nothing wrong in telling how you feel. I myself would rather have a husband that can cry at a sappy movie or cry on his daughters first day of kindagarden or truly hurt when I am hurting than to let him just pass it off as the manlyman. you can do all those things you think is a dream and you s12 is right about the flower(I myself dont like flowers cause they die) but if he said it then he must of heard her speak of it to a friend or in a conversation she has had and he just over herd it. you know we want to know that when you are at work you are thinking of us and only wish you would call and even more so call for that lunch quickie and make your life with each other as one and then let the world revolve around you. well I am sorry for your seperation but you can make it and you will be ok and instead of telling someone your heart thoughts like you just wanting to kiss her face and gently touch her and you just said that eve when your fights were bad they were still the best out of all your other relationships. tell her that!! its ok to be soft and strong to. we as a partner need to see the softer side. sorry for rambling....