Getting Seperated...totally lost

[Guest]

Gunny, your words ring so true.

 

Yet, I am in the same situation as ilmw.

 

Knowing these things and doing these things, when the pain is so fresh, are two very different things.

 

 

 

I know! I know, Bro!

[ilmw]

Hi again,

 

Well I am doing better than I ever expected. I am keeping my composure when my DW is around. Its hard as she can be pleasant and friendly then another time she can be quite and distant. (Never rude).

 

Its like she is fighting a battle inside and when It would have a positve outcome for our relationship...she fights it?? (who realy knows)

 

I am trying not to let this train of thought drive me nuts.

 

The other day my DW had court (she is a cop to) We work if differnt departments. Share the same court house etc.... My station is next to the court house. I walk out to my vehicle...she exited to court house and came over to talk to me....we had a light friendly converstation...

 

She later called me when she was heading home from picking up our son from daycare. Light converstation again....and we spoke again a few hours later.

 

She has started calling me that I am noticing more... Not that long ago she would not call unless it was about the kids...

 

I hope this is a shift in her position and that she is opening up.

 

Today she told me she is "getting fixed" She told me a while back that she did not want anymore children...THis came as a shock as she and my sister-in-law had way before the upcoming seperation bugged me about getting "fixed" I of course refused because of my stuped pride (reaction I mean) I felt very upset....but I hid it and said I respect her decision.

 

My Dw invited me out for farthers day lunch with the boys. It was nice... We can joke together..watch tv together and have a light conversation...the tension for the most part is lifting. There is strain on her face a lot...but it some times goes....like today.

 

She did not get me a fathers day card...but she did get the ones for the boys (being a good mom) I heard her whisper to our 5 year old at the restaurant ("say happy fathers day..daddy.) He had said this at the house when he gave me his card before going out. She knew this...it was sweet.

 

My DW is still gung-ho on selling the house...but I am not sure if I am reading into all this.... I am still full of hope....and I am not the kind of person who gives up without trying....and I am trying....everyday!

 

Yesterday when I was a work I was so down in the dumps....the worst I have been in in over a month....I felt so down. I managed to stay busy and keep chanting to myself

 

"It will be alright. No matter what happens, it will be alright!" (thanks Gunny!)

It does work, it does help and breathing lots of deep breaths.

 

Apparently we are going camping in August together with the kids and some family friends. I find this strange for a woman who does not want to be in a relationship with me....How would any of you react to what is going on here. I am putting a positive spin to it, because I see her face when she speaks to me... I am not sure if I am having progress here...but when I think I am .....I feel better....fantasy or not....my spirits are high.

 

We shall see....

 

Praying on a daily basis has helped as well....I am not a religions person at all....but the release I feel after praying to a god, I never believed in, helps calms me....and I feel hope again in my life....

 

This is how much I am changing....I am doing, saying amd believing things that were foriegn to me only a few months ago. If only my wife could see these changes....in time....in time.

 

Thanks eveyone for your words....

 

It is not over till its over.

[DesperateDad]

Good luck to you, ilmw! I know what you mean about the ups and downs. This roller coaster sucks!

[Gunny376]

I see what the issue is ~ now!

 

You're married to an "Alpha-Female!!!!!!!

 

Although, she's a woman, with femninie qualities and charteristics ~ she's also exhibits asseretiviness, self-discipline, self control, she's not squimish, she's not weak minded, doens't have problems with issues and things that your typical ordinary woman would.

 

Her initiatl attraction to you was she thought you were an "Alpha Male ~ which you probally are ~ except you started exhibiting "Beta-Male" charcterisitcs which she finds un-attractive and un-appealing. She can't articulate this to you because its almost on a sub-conscious - sub~liminal level. In short she has doubts about you're being an "Alpha-Male" To be with a woman such as her ~ you would have to eradicate any and all "Beta Male" charcteristics and habits, and almost be a "Mega Alpha Male"

 

An "Alpha Male" isn't some jerk ~ azzhole type ~ super macho guy. He's a guy that's in control of himself, his life, his feelings, his emotions. He doesn't abuse alcohol or drugs, because he doesn't need them. He has self disciplined, strong minded, determined, ................firm, fair, but friendly. He's in contol of nearly given situation becuase he is full of self confidence, ~ but not arragont ~ just super confident in what to do, when to do it, how to do it. He knows exactally what to say,..............because he's already worked it out in his head in advance.

He's goine over every possible scenerio and interaction before hand.

 

With that said ~ does what I just described sound like someone you know?

 

What happen here ~ is you're an "Alpha Male" married to an "Alpha Female" who took on "Beta Male" behavior when you became stressed out from the job. You cannot lean on her too much, nor too often ~ she's looking to lean oln you my friend ~ she's the woman. She's a strong woman that needs a stronger man, and you've not been playing the part.

 

You've got to take back and regain control! Of yourself, of your emotions. I don'tg care if you've got to go confess to a preist once a week with your troubles ~ just don't do it to her. Go back to being your true Alpha Male self ~ get rid of the "acquired" "Beta Male" behavior and you might have a chance of pulling this all back together!

 

Look at John Wayne ~ (I know, I know) Clint Eastwood. they played and what is all the more they lived "Alpha Male" lives in their real life. Ronald Regean, Arnold Swartskolff, Collin Powell. All "Alpha Males" that had and maintained emotional balance, self control at all times.

 

Women don't need men like they did a hundred years ago ~ but they still want and need men to be men ~ and the same thing that attracted them and that they looked for a hunderd years ago when they did need men ~ is the same thing that attracts and keeps them attracted today. But, because of the media and cultural fallacies and myths ~ men quit acting like men ~ and started acting whinny, begging, trying to get in touch with our inner child crap.

 

The divorce industry is BIG business ~ and it IS a business and industry ~ kid yourself not about that. And the one's that perpetuate it ~ are making a killing. Especially the lawyers ~ and they don't give a damn about whose lives they wreck. To and for them ~ its all about the money!

 

You've got to understand ~ I'm sixteen years the otherside of where your at. I've been there ~ and I've read and re-read books about dating, mating, breaking-up, marriage, men & women, divorce, rommance, seduction, kissing, ad nausemn.

 

Women want to be lead and to a certain degreed controlled ~ what they most especially don't want is a man that can be controlled by them ~ because they're not a challenge to her ~ men like that are a dime a dozen, two dozen for a quarter. And they want a man that controls himself, his passions, his emotions, who defines his own life and his own experience. Who has his life in order. They're looking for men that are assetts not liabilities.

 

Women are lookiing for men who are leaders ~ not followers. Men who are senseative, caring, thoughtful, romantic ~ TO THEM AND THEIR CHILDREN ~ but not necessarly everyone else in the world.

 

They're looking for men that are going to be part of the answer to the questions and solutions to the problems in their lives ~ not contribute to them. If the latter were true ~ what do they need you for?

 

What this woman is saying to you, practically screaming to you ~ (and if you look back you will see it) is that she wants and needs her "Alpha Male" man back ~ the one that she feel in love with.

 

Its not that you're wrong in this ~ nor that she's wrong ~ its just that you're both looking at the same exact thing ~ at the same exact time in space ~ but from different perspectives ~ but you can't see it ~ and what you need to do is re-think your game plan, your approach, re-frame how you're interacting with her. Get rid of the "Beta" male characteristics ~ FAST!

 

The following is a link to an e-book. Its from a dating guru ~ but before he gets into anything about women ~ he starts out with this book ~ and indeed he won't even send you the rest of the materials until you've read the e-book, titiled "Secrets Of The Alpha Man"

 

A lot of it you already know, or have your suspcions ~ because you're already an "Alpha Male" but what it will dol for you is bring it all together ina choherent and organized manner. And compared to other dating gurus ~ its dirt cheap. It cost $99 and even more to print it out ~ (390 pages)

I printed it out ~ and refer to it often ~ and have re-read it over and over again. Even if it doesn't work out with your wife ~ which I think it will ~ you'll be better prepared for your interactions and future relations with women. And, if you do re-marrying ~ you won't be going through this crap again, and you won't be sitting around the old folks home talking about you're second, third, and fourth ex-wife, (some guys never learn!)

 

In closing ~ it doesn't sound as though you wife wants to divorce you ~ but she will if it comes down to it ~ because she's got to have an strong man in her life. Someone who's stronger than her ~ and that's what you need to demonstrate to her. She won't stay because of how you feel ~ love, sorrow, self-pity, mental ~ emotional weakness ~ she'll stay because of how secure, wanted, needed, protected you make her feel.

[Lollie72]

Hi again.

 

I went to counselling today by myself. I told eveything and it felt realy good to get it of my chest. I told him out about this place and all I have been reading. He said I was doing good and seemed impressed. I do feel better about myself, but my DW does not seem to notice. he made the coment the other night that I am to nice. She is not used to it. (Wow...I thought have I realy been that much of a jerk!) I replied that "I was just being me." I did not say to her...because I was taken aback.. I have not been myself for along time.

 

I know I can't change her mind on what she wants to do..but... It is so hard...

 

Speaking with the counsellar I have discovered that I have some unresolved grief due to my grand parents death. Both died (differnt dates) over 10 years ago. I could not attend either funeral because of work or money (they lived in England) Apparently I have felt this grief and some guilt for over 10 years. I was very close to both of them, and now know why I can't look at photos of them. Weird huh??

 

It is so strange how we men get ourselves into these messes. So many of the same stories, (I do mean the same).

 

Gunny you are right...we men get no training on relationships. I thought I was doing good....now on reflection and from reading and personal reflection..I see how I let my end of the side down.

 

I live each day as it comes with no expectation. Maybe one day when my DW lets her self have time to reflect on what she wants...she may see the positives of what she has? I guess all I can do is be patient. This is hard to do because our house is up for sale and we have had several people in to look at it. Oh well... Maybe this is some big test? Who knows.

 

Thanks for listening

 

I happen to have that guy who won't which is why I may divorce.

[ilmw]

Hi again,

 

Gunny,

thanks for that info....I totally see what you are saying.....When my wife and I first met I was much more confident in front of her. As time went by and I sunk into my own personal world of doom and gloom...She must have sensed my shift...She had to take charge of the relationship and that was (A BIG PROBLEM!) I was not able to show my true self cause it was buried under all the crap I allowed to build up.

 

Now my wife is leaving me...I find it very hard to maintain a postive "Alpha Male" attitude....but from what you said it makes sense....

 

I once had a "just do it attitude" I guess it is time I got my head out of my ass and "get stuck on"

 

Some day's I am very strong...Other days I am not...

There a triggers that set me off and I have just started to figure them out. The For Sale Sign in the front yard is one of them...

 

One of the issues that always brings me down...is the fact that my 5 year old son does not know I will be moving with him, his brother and his mommy. This is a nightmare.....It happened to me when I was 8 years old.... I remember being told by my mother...because my own father was to much of a coward to be there. Never have quite forgiven him for all that crap he pulled.

 

Well....I think what is driving me also nuts is the impending sale of the house....My wife has told me on several occasions that "This is what I have to do" (sell the house)

 

I don't believe her stand or mind set will possible change until she has moved into a new house.

 

Another thing that was causing me to falter was the possibility of her having an affair... on 2 other occasions it came up and....I must have had a look on my face, because my wife asked my about it....She got angry with me yesterday....told me that she feels like she is under a microscope.... I spoke with her and apologized ...I asked her to reverse roles with me for a few seconds... I asked her how she would have felt if the roles were reversed...and if she had seen the stuff on my account...how ever inocent they my have been.... When you are terrified that you are losing everything you hold most dear....your mind can plays tricks on you and sometimes you get kneejerk reactions to stuff....

 

SHe appered to understand and she said she could see my point of view...I then repeated that in know way was I trying to sway her or pressure her to change her mind... I know I can't.

 

I realy jumped the gun on the affair thing....and pissed her off... (not a positive thing to do when you want to patch up your marriage) hmmmmm???

 

I need to get my confidence back....I know this. Its just in the home.....I look at her and I sometimes crumble.. I have not looked at another woman in almost 8 years...even after she had given birth to our son....she has gained a lot of weight.... I never strayed (eyes even) Maybe I loved her to much...?? No....she is the mother of my child...

 

Anyone out there knows... who is going through this as well... knows the pain and frustration...and hurt that is going on with me.....doubly I still have to face telling my son I can't live with him anymore....I don't know what to do......That is not being a good "Alpha Male."

 

I freely admit I am very scared. I hurts so much that this has to happen..... He has always been such a happy little boy....I just prey this does not change....because he is such a joy.

 

I know I can build my self up....but right know I am just maintaning (trying to) a balance.

 

I think I will start taking charge NOW...again...at least when we move are separate ways she will have a positive memory of me....??

 

Lollie72...

 

I hope your guy figures things out.... because all this separation and divorce crap.....sucks! (understatement).

 

Once again....

 

thx to all who give me thier thoughts..and put up with my ranting....

[Gunny376]

"The tigther you make you first ~ attempting to hold on ~ the more women that will slip through you hand."

 

"Letting go" is gaining ground.

 

One of the things that he covers is men wanting to fix things ~ and to answer "why?" That was me ~ for sixteen years that was me, trying to find and understand "why" (The answer is uniquew and personal and will come to you when you're ready for it ~ "The teacher will come to the student ~ when the student is ready for the lessons that are to be learned!") Don't get caught up in it ~ it will come to you, when you're ready. Its a lonely and not a fun place to get caught up in and you can languish there for years.

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

Well I must say the rollercoaster ride is still going on..but it's does not fell so much as a monster ride anymore.

 

The pain is almost always there, but I am finding it easier to let it go of it..

 

Although I still maintain hope....we can repair are marriage..I am finding it easier to not expect it. This is a slow and painful process which many of you hve mentioned... Oh how true that is.

 

I am the kind of person who does not like to give up... Loving my wife as much as I do only makes this conviction stronger....

 

I speak with my DW with kindness... I have stopped following her around the house. I don't hover around the computer when she reads her e-mails etc...

 

I guess doing a 180'

 

My DW is still distant... but it seems.. at times she is warming up.... I will not read into this because of what you guys have mentioned.... It is saving me a lot of upset and grief. Her too I guess. Not putting pressure on her and letting her get on with what ever she thinks she has to do.

 

The house has still not sold...and my DW wants to lower the price at the recomendation of the broker...

 

We shall see....

 

I still sometimes having the uneasy feeling there might be someone else... but I am not letting it drive me nuts.... She will do what ever she wants if I like it or not. Fighting it will only make her want it more....( see I'm learning) I just don't know... At this moment in time... I don't want to know... makes it easier to stay and get this house sold and be strong for the boys.

 

I think the fact that I have been cheated on before in a long term relationship.... I am overly paranoid about it happening again.

 

I am just maintaining a steady course... Manning Up!

for her and the boys....because the seperation still seems full steam a head.

 

I have decided to start studying martial arts again...after many years absence...my Dw bugged me for years to go do it.... Now I think it would be a good idea... get me busy and tired... and into a new social network.. I can also work out my frustration too.

 

It would be wonderful to find a magic wand and wave it to change everthing that is going on... The only thing that I think I would change would be my DW'd fellings for me... I would not change this life altering experience at all. It has shown me (forced me) to find out who I was and who I am becoming.... evolving into someone better. To feel that I like myself for the first time in a long time and it is fantastic.

 

Thanks again for the advice and comments

 

ilmw

[Virginia Girl]

Three months ago my husband of 9 years told me that we needed to separate so that we could save our marriage - he swore that there was no one else, he just needed to work on himself right now, not our marriage. About 6 weeks ago I discovered that he had a "friend" - he says that their relationship is not sexual, they are just good friends (which involves constant phone calls, text messages, and hanging out). For some reason finding out about her has made this situation a million times worse. As if it was not bad enough, yesterday he told me that he would probably be filing for divorce (over the telephone while I was at work). I guess that deep down I thought that we would work it out becaue since then I have alternated between sobbing, laughing and being so mad that I could spit nails. I feel so hurt that it is almost overwhelming - how could someone who promised to love me and who was part of the most intimate moments in my life - the birth of my children - treat me like I am nothing, and act like the life we built together is worth less than a 27 year old bartender (no disrespect to bartenders). My wild feelings aside, since this process began in early March, I have not missed work or neglected my three children - I am trying to be strong for them - some days I do fine and others I don't - no matter what, the collapse of my marriage is always on my mind, it never leaves me. Reading everyone's posts has given me hope that it will actually get better - that I will really move on, get over it, and find someone who deserves me like everyone who cares about me keeps urging me (which at this point just irritates me). So, thanks for the gift of hope . . . Take care.

[DesperateDad]

Virginia Girl, I know how you feel. It seems like our spouses have forgotten anything good we've ever done or turned it around to make it awful. I can't believe that all of my hard work and sacrifice counts for nothing. I think even if we didn't say the exact right words at the exact right time, just being there and holding steady through the storms of life should count for something. It sucks. Hang in there! You're definitely not alone.

[Gunny376]

Your begining to adpat and overcome, learning how to cope with coping ~ the more positive outlets you seek and find ~ the busier you stay during this time the better off you'll be.

 

In this, you have little control over anything other than yourself ~ and that's all that any of us ever really have ~ control over our own lifes.

 

It matters not what we've been through or are going through ~ it matters only what we as indiviudals are going to do about it here and now. There are many instances in man's a life where all he can do is to ask, "What I am I going to do about this ~ to only have it revealed to him ~ that there is nothing that one can do other than acceptance of his desitny. And while we may not have control of our destiny ~ a man must do that which he can until such time as his destiny is revealed to him.

 

In acceptance of your destiny ~ and in letting go you will find the freedom and peace that your seek. Its is through these trials and tribulations that your metal as a man ~ as a human being is being tested ~ and there can be noting more liberating than falling back into your life ~ and obtaining ture self discovery of one's true own self~

[ilmw]

Gunny....Thx...

 

It always makes me feel stronger when you post. Your words and advise have helped me focus on what I need to do.

 

Advise from others as well has helped me think more clearly in the otherwise fog misted caos of my mind.

 

Friends and family have attempted to help....but there words only confuse me... I have never asked for their help...but I guess out of love this is how they show concern, and want to help. Its all one sided, and not very helpful at all. I have not turned my back on them, but.... I limit what I say to them.

 

I only have the power to truley help me, and I think I am getting there...

 

 

I still love my wife and would love more than anything for her to change her mind for the right reasons.... but I know I can't make her.

 

I have realy learned to become more patient... something I was not before. It realy helps with the kids too.

 

The level of tension in my house seems to me to have decreased. My DW still tells me about her day...she still makes me coffee..tea on occasion. Still does my laundry...and I do hers when she is at work. She askes me to do small things around the house which I do with 100% effort and always get it done.

 

No... I am not reading into this...but it feels good to do things she asks... Most likely in the not to distant future she will stop doing this when she is in her new place?

 

Who knows....

*******************************

 

Virginia Girl... sorry to hear you are.... one more broken heart. It would be nice if places like this were not needed....but thank god LS is here and we took the time to find it. Post more....it realy helps to get stuff off your chest.

 

Oh well... thats enough for now... Take care all

 

ilmw

[Virginia Girl]

Thanks to all of you who offered me words of support and encouragement - they brought an all too rare smile to my face especially since tonight I confirmed what my head had long suspected (even if my heart refused to believe it) - my husband's friend is not just a friend despite all of his promises that she was... Maybe I am just numb, but I actually feel almost relieved - this is it for me - my dad was a cheater and I watched my Mom stay around no matter what he did, and I said that I never would put up with that kind of treatment. So, I am done - no more tears and pleading for him to change his mind. When he realizes what a mistake he has made, and he will at some point, I will not be interested in patching things up. When I looked at him tonight it was like he was a stranger to me and I felt nothing - the pit in my stomach was gone. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently, but for now I feel strong and focused. I will keep you posted. . . Thanks again!

[Gunny376]

you were just holding out hope against hope, that it wasn't true. For yourself, for him, for the sake of the children and the family as a whole.

 

Letting go mentally, emotionally is the first step ~ the first step toward healing. Regaining control of your life, of yourself, of your destiny. Its the first step in "falling back into your life." There is life after divorce ~ its a struggle at first ~ but once you've found your resolve to move forward, to be strong, and determined. The next step becomes easier.

 

I do believe that cheating is much more about the other person's own insecurities, low self esteem, lack of self respect than it is the other way around, but in the course of handling the guilt ~ they most oftentimes try to flip that on you ~ and drag your self esteem and respect through the mud, the blood, and the beer outside the saloon called "Life" Don't let them do that.

[Virginia Girl]

Although under these circumstances they are probably one and the same. Thanks for the words of encouragement - I have remained strong and focused and I hope I continue down that path - I figure the best revenge is to have an extraordinary life that does not involve him and that is my goal right now! Take care and thanks for "listening" . . .

[Gunny376]

Although under these circumstances they are probably one and the same. Thanks for the words of encouragement - I have remained strong and focused and I hope I continue down that path - I figure the best revenge is to have an extraordinary life that does not involve him and that is my goal right now! Take care and thanks for "listening" . . .

 

 

Wow! What a screw up?!

 

It should have been "You weren't a fool!" Not "You were a fool!" Sorry

[Gunny376]

I need to know I didn't do you any harm ~ wrong. I typed "were" when I meant "weren't"

[Virginia Girl]

Gunny, Please do not worry - someone would have to do much more than that to offend me! I figured you were just being honest! Take care and have a good holiday!

[Gunny376]

Gunny, Please do not worry - someone would have to do much more than that to offend me! I figured you were just being honest! Take care and have a good holiday!

 

 

Joe-Toe ~ Good to Go!

[ilmw]

Hi Gunny,

 

I went back and re-read all the posts on this thread several times. I can't find any of the ones you had placed links on????

 

Carlos past present and future etc.....

 

You have a fantastic grasp of what we are all going through ...so I respect your advise...re: links web pages and books....but WTF...??? They all gone?

 

Is this normal or am I being a computer dummy?

 

Thx

[Gunny376]

Hi Gunny,

 

I went back and re-read all the posts on this thread several times. I can't find any of the ones you had placed links on????

 

Carlos past present and future etc.....

 

You have a fantastic grasp of what we are all going through ...so I respect your advise...re: links web pages and books....but WTF...??? They all gone?

 

Is this normal or am I being a computer dummy?

 

Thx

 

But, apparently its LS site policy that links to "For Profit" sites be eliminated ~ so no its not just you.

 

The guys name is Carlos Xuma, and he's written a bunch of "How To Be More Successful with Women" material ~ which in an of themselves is kick-ass.

 

The thing about Carlos that is different than the other dating gurus ~ is that he starts you off with his founation e-book & CD's called "Secrets of The Alpha Man" whici primarly about attitude, how men should be, live their lives, conduct their lives as men. Its not so much that he's going to tell you a bunch of stuff that you don't already know (and then again he does) but he brings it all together in one package.

 

For any man that's going through this divorce crap ~ I highly recommend it ~ because it gets you back to your point of origin as a man ~ re-sets your bearings for your life, and really helps you to get your orientation back in your life.

 

I listen to his CD's daily.

 

He didn't say this ~ it was an independent thought that arose from listening to his material ~ but if you can develope your skill set with women to the point to where you could be dropped anywhere in the world, and be like James Bond and find you a GF, why would any man get married?

 

Just Google Alpha Male ~ and you should find it!

 

Guns

[ilmw]

Thx Gunny....found it

[ilmw]

Hi again,

 

I just read another book (Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement)...I forget the author (I'm at work) book is at home.

 

My DW just finished her annual training and they covered this topic...used the above book as a guide. When she came home the other day...she told me about it...and told me she saw me so much in the examples that were given.

 

Well she bought the book and brought it home. I read the book in less than a day and (Holy C**P) I have never read anything that could have been my autobiography!!!!

 

The book discussed hypervigilance something which is necessary in my job...but it goes on to talk about all the negative effects and how it effects your personal life. I saw my self in 99.9% of the book. It was one of the most humbling experiences I have ever felt. It explained why I have been acting the way I have, and why I could not figure out what was going on. I lost the coping mechanism to do what I needed to do. I lost my 'centre' (Canadian spelling) and could only identify with the job. I lost all of my pre-job friends.... Lost touch etc.

 

I stopped doing things for my self ... hated answering the phone... left my wife to do everthing, as I disappeared into my self. Iwould watch police shows on TV (COPS) ets.... This would cause me to re-live the experiences from working (causing the hypervigilance to reappear) Stressing the hell out of me....

 

During hypervigilance the body goes through changes, mentally and emotionally... (some of it goes into fight or flight mode) Training helps...any one who has any police or military training would understand some of this (always revert to your training...you don't have to think ...training takes over).

 

Anyway... while at work..I would be alive, I felt better...was confident in my abilities, I was funnier and was probably more fun to be around.... ALIVE! Then I would come home and (CRASH) no longer need to be hypervigilant... body goes into repair mode and so does the mind.... because I was unaware of this process I was unable to ward off what was happeining to me... I would come home.... and go onto autopilot conversations with wife and kids were not what they should have been. I would rush home to be with my family but once I got there.... I would be 180' from what I was at work.

 

Now guess what....my DW has the same job.... Now she has a natural way of coping (probably a lot more emotionally intelligent than me).

 

My DW started to read the book herself yesterday. She called me on her way too work and told me "it was humbling." She too had seen some of the traits in herself. Wow!

 

Anyway ... I would recommend this book to anyone in any related law Enforcement field, paramedics, fire Fighters etc... or if you are in a hi-stress job of any kind......

 

Off all that I have read... and it has been a lot in the past 3 months...this was the one book that truley hit home the most. It also advised how to stop the cycle of what has happend to me....WOW!

 

I made me feel GREAT again. I have finally a distinct solution for what I have been going through.... As well.. all the positive personal changes I have already made since this all stared.

 

Today I feel some power back in my life... A confidence I have not felt for along time.... I can't fathom that reading one book could do this!

 

If anyone wants to know the authors name...I'll find it when I get home tonight....

 

Well I better get back to work....company time and all...(ahhahhh)

 

best regards

ILMW

[Gunny376]

You've just described me and how I was 16 years ago ~ when my marriage started falling apart! And, we started going through the downward spirial (like a WWI Bi-plane).

 

I wasn't law enforcement ~ but carrer military. On my second tour on the street ~ and seriously stressed TF out~! At work I had to be super vigilent managing every little detail ~ one little slip up ~ and it was your azz!

 

I would come home ~ take the phone off the hook, close the blinds and drapes, not answer the door, let the SAHM take care of everything, and just go into shut down mode.

 

Thanks man! You've just given me a big piece of the puzzel!!!! I would never even picked a book up like that ~ but will definately be adding it to my library.

 

For years and years, I've though I at least severly screwed up, or that I was flawed in some way ~ and just didn't "get it" and couldn't figure out what "it" was. I'm a good man, I know that I am ~ and I don't have to have anyone tell me that ~ but losing my wife and children ~ sixteen years ago ~ didn't just wound me ~ it crippled me mentally, emotionally.

 

Thanks again.

 

Author's names and ISBN number?

[ilmw]

Hi Gunny,

 

The roles reverse....hahaha

 

No problem ....I'll get that as soon as I get outta here latter...

 

I figured you would have had some idea about this..... I to did my time in the military (6.5 years British Army) Now that could be an whole new thread...(there and back again) ...

 

In the great white north now... (Canada.... if you don't know that term)

 

ILMV