Author noclobber Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 Notice what happens when you say "no" - she still calls Bill. If it were a relationship or potential relationship, would there be a readily available "replacement"? I never mentioned that we were in a relationship Darrren... nor do I expect one to develop. We are "just friends". As jerbear has said Bill's presence will make it easy for me to wean her off. If I won't hang-out with her she can always go to him. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 But that seems so cowardly and immature Alpha.. Is there a better way? that is the hardest option to implement. why would it be cowardly and immature? Link to post Share on other sites
Moai Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 that is the hardest option to implement. why would it be cowardly and immature? True. And, right now she is totally using him. Why does he owe her anything? Right now she is getting everything she wants and he gets nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 True. And, right now she is totally using him. Why does he owe her anything? Right now she is getting everything she wants and he gets nothing. True dat ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 She's not having sex with Bill either, I take it. So she has two men to call upon. Of course, she is just having fun with her "friends." Dont we do this all the time -- you want to hang out; you call one buddy, but that person cant make it; so you call another? That's not strange. Even the fact that she calls you first isn't strange. I tend to call some friends more than others -- and I have 3 brothers, but I tend to call my oldest first when I want to talk to my brothers. I still think she can rationalize what she is doing quite easily. It sounds like there is room to interpret what is happening as "romantic friendship," given the intimate, one on one time, but I would not make much out of the fact that she calls you over Bill. Notice what happens when you say "no" - she still calls Bill. If it were a relationship or potential relationship, would there be a readily available "replacement"? Darrren I am quite confused by this post. So are you saying that she is seeing me like a brother and therefore intends no harm? I don't know which sister would like to meet her brother so many times every week and go to dinner, games, concerts, movies... I still feel she is seeing me as a pseudo-boyfriend and I am quite clear about the need to get away from this woman. Regardless of whether she sees me as a pure platonic brother like friend! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Darrren I am quite confused by this post. So are you saying that she is seeing me like a brother and therefore intends no harm? I don't know which sister would like to meet her brother so many times every week and go to dinner, games, concerts, movies... I still feel she is seeing me as a pseudo-boyfriend and I am quite clear about the need to get away from this woman. Regardless of whether she sees me as a pure platonic brother like friend! I think she is totally messing with your head ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 I think she is totally messing with your head ! I agree... I am going insane..... Wish I had never met this bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Moai Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I still feel she is seeing me as a pseudo-boyfriend and I am quite clear about the need to get away from this woman. Regardless of whether she sees me as a pure platonic brother like friend! She probably doesn't even think that much about it. More's the pity. You are male companionship and emotional support for free. And it isn't free really, as you are the one picking up the tab. The bottom line is if she cared for you at all she would stop what she's doing and allow you to move on. As long as you speak to her--even to tell her you are cooling it off with her--she will get what she needs at your expense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 As long as you speak to her--even to tell her you are cooling it off with her--she will get what she needs at your expense. What can she possibly get out of me just talking with her? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 I don't know which sister would like to meet her brother so many times every week and go to dinner, games, concerts, movies... but isn't that what siblings do NOCLOBBER? don't they do fun things together (assuming they are close)... I still feel she is seeing me as a pseudo-boyfriend I don't think so....you are either the boyfriend or you are not, there is no middle ground. Link to post Share on other sites
Moai Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 What can she possibly get out of me just talking with her? She has her hooks in you, and she'll use any opportunity to manipulate you. If she can't talk to you, she can't manipulate you. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 What can she possibly get out of me just talking with her? emotional support? a shoulder to cry on? someone to listen? ....all these things are fine as long as you're getting something back for all the hard work you're puttting in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 emotional support? a shoulder to cry on? someone to listen? i don't do any of these Alpha. i just talk with her when we meet... you know, just normal casual talk... that's it. may be once in a blue moon she has mentioned about her problems at work.. but that was just couple of times in a period of 8 months. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 i just talk with her when we meet... you know, just normal casual talk... that's it. may be once in a blue moon she has mentioned about her problems at work.. but that was just couple of times in a period of 8 months. are you getting sex? is there any sexual activity taking place? it's all about the poon-tang. if you're hanging out with any women on a regular basis and not getting puxxy then you're getting ripped off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 are you getting sex? is there any sexual activity taking place? it's all about the poon-tang. if you're hanging out with any women on a regular basis and not getting puxxy then you're getting ripped off. Thanks Neatly put. In other words its just wrong to be friends with a girl. I will cut this woman off!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Moai Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 are you getting sex? is there any sexual activity taking place? it's all about the poon-tang. if you're hanging out with any women on a regular basis and not getting puxxy then you're getting ripped off. Yep. Couldn't agree more. Link to post Share on other sites
darrren12000 Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Darrren I am quite confused by this post. So are you saying that she is seeing me like a brother and therefore intends no harm? I don't know which sister would like to meet her brother so many times every week and go to dinner, games, concerts, movies... I still feel she is seeing me as a pseudo-boyfriend and I am quite clear about the need to get away from this woman. Regardless of whether she sees me as a pure platonic brother like friend! I have always said you should pull back. In these situations, although you heart can be confused, the pain and stress in your head gives you the answer. If this was a good situation for you, you wouldnt be on this forum. What I was responding to is your dismissal of "Bill" as being like her brother. I bet she would probably describe you similarly, even though she is much more enmeshed with you than Bill. My point is that her act of turning to "Bill" as seconds doesnt really make you much more special than Bill from a romantic perspective. At the end of the day, both you and Bill are "just friends" with her. You may be closer, but you are no different from Bill in this perspective. So yes, do your pullback. Clearly she is hurting you, whether it is intentional behavior or not. Link to post Share on other sites
darrren12000 Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 but isn't that what siblings do NOCLOBBER? don't they do fun things together (assuming they are close)... I don't think so....you are either the boyfriend or you are not, there is no middle ground. I agree to a lot of extent, although my OA used to use similar language to describe our friendship ("partners", "significant others," "romantic friends"). That was straight up, brick against the head manipulation. But for the most part, people dont want to "own" their role in creating sexual and romantic confusion. Neither side -- the OA claims innocent, and the person in unrequited loves claims victimization. The truth lies somewhere in between. Both parties got something out of it. If one party is hurting badly, he or she needs to get the strength to move on. Lashing out against the other party (usually at home alone, in fits of rage) feels good, but it doesnt create boundaries. You need to create boundaries by distancing yourself, communicating less, and only hanging out with groups of people you feel safe with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 I agree to a lot of extent, although my OA used to use similar language to describe our friendship ("partners", "significant others," "romantic friends"). That was straight up, brick against the head manipulation. But for the most part, people dont want to "own" their role in creating sexual and romantic confusion. Neither side -- the OA claims innocent, and the person in unrequited loves claims victimization. The truth lies somewhere in between. Both parties got something out of it. If one party is hurting badly, he or she needs to get the strength to move on. Lashing out against the other party (usually at home alone, in fits of rage) feels good, but it doesnt create boundaries. You need to create boundaries by distancing yourself, communicating less, and only hanging out with groups of people you feel safe with. I think this is one of the classiest response in LS! I will do that!! I feel ashamed and dirty because of this ugly experience... I am feeling dry.. Sometime in the future even if some woman is genuinely interested in me I am not sure how I will respond... I may run to the hills to protect my heart... This person has really leeched the life out of me.. Never imagined that women can be this cruel and manipulative.. For the life of me I can never understand how this girl spent so much time with me and yet had the heart to say that she doesn't have feelings for me... This is a lesson I will not forget for the rest of this lifetime!! God what a mess... Link to post Share on other sites
vi_pn_babe25 Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 are you getting sex? is there any sexual activity taking place? it's all about the poon-tang. if you're hanging out with any women on a regular basis and not getting puxxy then you're getting ripped off. Yah she's lucky that you've hung around this long without giving it up. If I meet a guy and we're friends, and I'm attracted to him, then eventually we end up having sex, but if I'm not interested I treat them differently by NOT leading them on, or I ignore them. Now it's not to say that a guy and a girl can't be friends without sex but I think it would be kinda hard without some sorta sexual tension. So...she's either 1 of 3 things: 1) she's a lesbian 2) she's a nun in disguise 3) she sucks in bed It seems like she's giving you mixed signals so just call her out and drop the prude, lol Link to post Share on other sites
dt1973 Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Hey noclobber.. I got a question. How much "in love" are you with this girl really? I mean, not in love, but like, how intense is this feeling.. Can you tone down your feeling for her by trying to hook up with other girls? Or is it so intense that even if another girl spread her legs in front of you you'd still be thinking of this chick? I'm asking cause by the way you talk you sound like you're not some pathetic needy loser. You seem like you can be able to tone down your interest in her and meet other chicks. Am I wrong here? And, if you are able to lessen your interest in her, all that stuff about "if you hung out w/ a girl this long and ain't gettin any you're gettin ripped off".. doesn't that no longer apply? Link to post Share on other sites
darrren12000 Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 I think this is one of the classiest response in LS! I will do that!! I feel ashamed and dirty because of this ugly experience... I am feeling dry.. Sometime in the future even if some woman is genuinely interested in me I am not sure how I will respond... I may run to the hills to protect my heart... This person has really leeched the life out of me.. Never imagined that women can be this cruel and manipulative.. For the life of me I can never understand how this girl spent so much time with me and yet had the heart to say that she doesn't have feelings for me... This is a lesson I will not forget for the rest of this lifetime!! God what a mess... Dont let her prevent you from finding someone true. that is a natural response though. I certainly would not enter into another relationship now, for a while, until you can get yourself together. In moving forward you have to know what you want in another person and resist becoming comfortable with an "ambiguous" situation. You must always put your feelings out there rather than hiding them and going with what "feels" right. Doing that only allows the other person to claim innocence as they are "dumping" you. It's bad enough getting people who say that want a relationship with you to actually commit. It is virtually impossible to get a "just friends" person to be in a relationship with you, no matter how intimately they become involved with you. It sometimes feels safer creating a situation where you want to move a bestfriendship to another level, but this is deadly, because your feelings become so strong as you sit in silence. Don't let that happen. Always be upfront, and accept what they say. Just friends = Just friends. Dont let actions tell you anything else! Link to post Share on other sites
Author noclobber Posted May 24, 2006 Author Share Posted May 24, 2006 Dont let her prevent you from finding someone true. that is a natural response though. I certainly would not enter into another relationship now, for a while, until you can get yourself together. In moving forward you have to know what you want in another person and resist becoming comfortable with an "ambiguous" situation. You must always put your feelings out there rather than hiding them and going with what "feels" right. Doing that only allows the other person to claim innocence as they are "dumping" you. It's bad enough getting people who say that want a relationship with you to actually commit. It is virtually impossible to get a "just friends" person to be in a relationship with you, no matter how intimately they become involved with you. It sometimes feels safer creating a situation where you want to move a bestfriendship to another level, but this is deadly, because your feelings become so strong as you sit in silence. Don't let that happen. Always be upfront, and accept what they say. Just friends = Just friends. Dont let actions tell you anything else! Thanks for the advice Darrren. I have just started the process of disengaging! Just now she asked me for lunch and I gave the "i am busy" reply. I can pretty much predict what she will do next -> She will call me tonight. If I avoid that as well she will send an "R u ok?" text message. That is an indication that she is suspecting something. If I avoid that as well she WILL know for sure that I am avoiding her... That's when the drama will kick-in. And I really don't need any drama in my life right now 'cos I need to focus in my new job.. Damn this woman just needs to find one of her friends or colleagues to have lunch with.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Save yourself all the drama and just tell her outright what is going on. By putting her off and giving her the "I'm too busy" line will only flame the fire and get her going even more. Tell her that you need to focus on your new job and that it's just best to not see her or talk to her. Period. And if that doesn't work and she still calls you and bugs you, then tell her that it's best to completely END the friendship - Say goodbye, good luck and that is that... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Tell her that you need to focus on your new job and that it's just best to not see her or talk to her. Period. No, as I stated earlier on this thread....you give no excuse or explanation. You just institute total NC unilaterally. If you try to explain you'll just give her ammunition to try to suck you back in or give you the teary eyes and make u feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
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