Not getting enough sex!!

[weekell75]

Hi Guys,

I haven't been on this forum for a while, as things have been going great - I was on this site as I was waiting for my H2B to propose - he has - and everything was going fine. We are getting married this Oct.

The only trouble is, since we got engaged, he has seemes to have gone off sex. I always knew I had a higher libido than him, but things have got silly now. I am lucky if he feels up to it once a week! I have taken it personally and thought it was me, thought there was someone else, talked to him till I was blue in the face - he just can't tell me whats going on - he doesn't know himself! I think he is just getting lazy, but it is tearing me apart!

I have needs, and he just doesn't get that.

I don't know what to do. It is usually the guy who doesn't get enough from the girl, not the other way around!

I know he loves me, but I honestly don't know that is enough if he doesn't fancy me anymore. I fancy him to bits, but I am tires of getting rejected. I have stopped trying now, because I hate being told he is too tired, and it also makes me feel so unattractive. Guys, is there anything I can do?

I dread the idea of us trying for a baby - the way things are going, it'll never happen!

He was up for it last night, but of course, I am expecting my period and was too sore. he asked for 'other stuff', but something told me 'no, why should you? He has rejected you enough, make him see how it feels!' So I told him I wasn't up for it. He was disapointed, I could tell. And I couldn't help feeling a little pleased with myself because maybe now he will know how it feels.

I don't want to play games, but I don't know what else to do.

Please help.

[Spiderman]

[sIZE=2]Try to overcome any potential bitterness by assessing what is more important to you and what is less so. Within our culture, there is pressure to attain perfection, but the truth is that there is no such thing as the perfect partner. If your husband has a similar life philosophy to you, nurtures your thoughts and ideas and makes you laugh, don't dismiss these valuable attributes. Within every relationship, there are happy moments and less satisfactory bits. We all have foibles and faults.

 

I'd say it's very common for women to blame themselves when a partner appears to lose interest in sex. You may feel that there's something wrong with your lovemaking technique or that he just doesn't fancy you any more. This is often not the case, usually there is something going on upstairs that's freezing activities downstairs, your job is to find out what that something is, and work together to sort it out and re-spark your sex life.

 

Is it possible he may be tired from work!? Why not timetable some sex sessions so he know's when to expect it and can be fully energised!?

[/sIZE]

[weekell75]

Of course it is my job to find out what is bothering him, and he does tell me what it is - its just that there is always something bothering him to stop him feeling like sex - he is a deep thinker, and I am not trying to change him. I just used to attract him enough to distract him from his troubles - I can't seem to do that anymore, no matter how hard I try.

It is very hard being rejected all the time - it means he controls our sex life through and through. It is unnerving.

[blind_otter]

That just seems odd. One person controls the sex life? And all of a sudden he isn't interested in sex? And he has no explanation other than that he's tired? Did he get a new job? Does he have new duties at work? A new exercise regimine? health problems? What is his explanation for his sudden exhaustion, if any? Have you asked?

[weekell75]

Yes, I've asked, many times, and he doesn't know whats wrong!

Yes, he is studying at night, started a new job also, but these problems were there before all that.

He hasn't been to the gym since he started this new night course, as time is precious, so he feels out of shape. I still fancy him like mad, but he feels very unfit.

But usually these are types of things that will put a woman off sex, not a man!

He has never masturbated or watched a porn movie and never owned a porn magazine. He obviously just isn't that into it.

What bothers me is that he couldn't keep his hands off me at the beginning and now (only just over 2 years later) we would be lucky if we went through a 3 pask of condoms in a month!

[Spiderman]

He hasn't been to the gym since he started this new night course, as time is precious, so he feels out of shape. I still fancy him like mad, but he feels very unfit. But usually these are types of things that will put a woman off sex, not a man!

 

He obviously seems to have a lot on at the moment, what with work & studying in the evening, sex maybe isn't top on his agenda, it doesn't mean he's gone off you! It means he's striving for a better future for you both, although this said, you need to make him realise that you're feeling rejected.

 

If he feels very unfit and out of shape, this will also can have an impact on his energy levels and how he's feeling. Personally, when I'm out of shape I don't feel 'up for it' as often! Don't be fooled into believing only women think this way.

 

 

He has never masturbated or watched a porn movie and never owned a porn magazine. He obviously just isn't that into it.

 

Never masturbated!?! Has he told you this!?

 

Sure, there may be a slight chance he has never watched porn I, this isn't some people bag, although IMO it doesn't do any harm.

[weekell75]

Yes, he has never masturbated!

Never. Is that so wierd??

[Spiderman]

Yes, he has never masturbated!

Never. Is that so wierd??

 

Yes, he has never masturbated!

Never. Is that so wierd??

 

I personally find that very, very,hard to believe!!

 

*Calling all other guys, opinions on this please *

 

IMO - At some point in our lives, almost all men will masturbate.

 

Masturbation comes pretty naturally to most guys. Let's face it; a male child discovers that his penis feels good before he can talk! So it's not surprising that boys fondle this area of their bodies a lot, and then, at the age of around 14, discover that masturbation can lead to orgasm and ejaculation - all of which they find extremely exciting and pleasurable.

 

There are some men who don't masturbate, but i'd say these are mainly people who don't want to do it because of religious reasons, or because they're a bit uptight about sex. Also, some guys who have a fairly low sex drive don't masturbate.

 

Your partner have a very, very low sex drive? Although judging by what you've written it used to be fine! There is more to this I'm sure..

[prfrogkisser]

Just a thought...

Did this sudden change happen after you got engaged? He might be overanalizing how life might change while being married. Mental stress affects men. I recommend that you in a nice way tell him how his rejection is making you feel. Tell him you will understand if its because he is afraid or concern of this big step.

[Walk]

Sounds to me like he's got some problems with life right now. Engagment, new job, school work, and unable to work out.

 

I find it rather disconcerting that you think of him as lazy when you speak about his lack of desire for sex. I realize that it's an unfamiliar situation for a woman to be in, but why do you automatically assume he's doing this on purpose?

 

My guy gets like this sometimes. Too much going on in his life and he can't get out of his mind enough to relax and enjoy things. A lot of times it has to do with stress in his life, or exhausted, and depressed. We all get like this sometimes. Problem is, when men can't get it up... that kills them. You're talking about compounding self-esteem issues on top of stress. If the tool isn't working, they feel like they aren't a man. So, try to have a heart and understand that he's not doing this to hurt you, and with you getting upset about him not being able to get it up, you're probably compounding the problem.

 

What have you actually tried so far? What have you done to attempt to arouse him and turn him on that might be more then you normally would? Can you help him out in other areas so that maybe he doesn't feel so much stress? Like take over a few more of the household chores? Cook more often then you used to? Run the errands for him? etc...

 

How's he eating and sleeping? Have you noticed a big change in those at all? Possibly symptoms of depression.

 

Maybe you could take some of the pressure off him to "perform" if you were to let him know that he could satisfy your needs by giving you oral instead. And if he felt like intercourse, then that would be an option, but at his discretion. If he got scared the little guy wasn't working right, he might be feeling some performance anxiety. Also, would still get your needs met, create closeness and let him know he's still needed and wanted, without making him feel like crap because he can't have sex with you.

[weekell75]

Its not that he can't get it up...he can. he just doesn't feel like doing anything about it.

I do all of the household chores bar one - I cook every day.

And no, he doesn't feel like giving me oral either.

I have dressed up, sent him dirty texts, bought porn movies.

I don't make him feel like crap when he feels like this - I am not some demanding nympho..... You're being quite judgemental here!

[Mary3]

Its not that he can't get it up...he can. he just doesn't feel like doing anything about it.

I do all of the household chores bar one - I cook every day.

And no, he doesn't feel like giving me oral either.

I have dressed up, sent him dirty texts, bought porn movies.

I don't make him feel like crap when he feels like this - I am not some demanding nympho..... You're being quite judgemental here!

 

Your guy sounds like he is asexual. The clue is : He is not masterbating and he has a low libido. He has the tools for sex but is just not interested. He might see his doctor to prescribe medication to get that lovin feeling again.

[Walk]

Its not that he can't get it up...he can. he just doesn't feel like doing anything about it.

I do all of the household chores bar one - I cook every day.

And no, he doesn't feel like giving me oral either.

I have dressed up, sent him dirty texts, bought porn movies.

I don't make him feel like crap when he feels like this - I am not some demanding nympho..... You're being quite judgemental here!

 

I'm not being judgemental. If it came off that way, I'm sorry. It sounded from your original post that you thought he was lazy and had told him your thoughts on this several times already. That would make me feel like crap if my SO thought I was. Take it with a grain of salt. I don't know your exact situation. That's why I was asking those questions. Not to accuse you, but in an attempt to understand. Maybe I should've put smiley faces behind each question...

 

It sounds as if you have tried many things to get him interested in sex. That's what I was wondering. Not that you're messed up, or a nympho or anything. But some women don't do all those things. I was trying to understand what you've done already so we can know what's been tried/not tried and base suggestions off that. There was no harm intended with my post. Nor accusations.

[RecordProducer]

He needs to get tested. Often a certain medical condition is related to the decrease of libido, such as high cholesterol, sugar, low testosterone because of something else, etc. He might not feel the symptoms though.

 

If you're sure that he is not getting cold feet or feeling nervous about the wedding, it's most likely medical. Don't punish him with rejections. He is probably even more frustrated than you are. He is not doing this on purpose. He would like to please your needs, I am sure. Help him instead.

[carmaenforcer]

Hi weekell75 and welcome to my world. Sexual incompatibility for whatever the reason is one of the most frustrating things to deal with in a relationship with someone that otherwise you are happy with.

 

I don’t want to get into my story again, for I feel as if I have repeated it a million times in the past few months. I don’t want to hijack this thread for my own selfish needs, so just let me tell you this. Get it resolved now before you marry this person.

I feel as if I’m doomed to never being sexually happy ever again inside of this marriage and I don’t want you to feel the same. It is important, maybe when your sixty it might not matter so much but if you are young and healthy, it is important enough to leave someone over.

[radiation7740]

Maybe he doesn't feel like going to a doctor. Who knows? If he truly has no desire to have sex with anyone then I envy him. I wish I didn't have a desire for sex. If I was in his position I would do nothing. This is who I am. You either accept me or reject me.

[RecordProducer]

I feel as if I’m doomed to never being sexually happy ever again inside of this marriage and I don’t want you to feel the same. It is important, maybe when your sixty it might not matter so much but if you are young and healthy, it is important enough to leave someone over.

You are not in jail. You can walk out free.

[weekell75]

Hi Walk,

 

Thats ok, sorry if I jumped down your throat!

RP, I don't think he is asexual, he definately has his moments (like we had the best session ever at the weekend! Wow!). It just doesn't happen often enough for me. I will be okay like this for a a while, until the tension biulds up in me again and then I start ranting on this thread again. I am thinking I should try again tomorrow night and see if we can try to do it twice a week, biuld it up from there. He is finished his course next week, so I can't wait for that (neither can he!). I think he should get a check up to see if it is medical, that is a good idea.

Carmaenforcer, I read some of your threads - you sounded like you were very happy - you have changed your tune a bit!What happened?

[slinkysu]

You seem to be putting an awful lot of pressure on your partner. Trust me, i completely understand your position. My fiance is very busy and is also slightly older than me and his sex drive has diminished to once a month at times. i used to get highly frustrated at times and understand the feelings of rejection that comes with this, but you have to understand that gettnig upset with him about it makes it all the more worse. I have found that you just have to accept what you get. If he doesn't have the same drive as you then satisfy yourself when you feel the need, even if it means doing it on your own!

 

You seem to be focusing so much on this issue that it is driving you crazy. Trust me, i have been there. Instead of trying to control him and make him fix this problem, fix it yourself and just accept what he can give when he can give it and when you need more, play with yourself!

[weekell75]

Slinkysu,

 

Yes, I agree with you. There is no way I could cope with life without him - I need to live with it. I suppose the only reason I am feeling so bad about it is that at the beginning he wasn't like this (yes, I know all relationships settle down after a while!), so I got paranoid I guess.

The only reason I am reluctant to 'play with myself' is that you can get so used to it, then when he does it, its not quite the same and I find it harder to reach that point of no return.

Ah well....will dig out that retired rampant rabbit I guess......

[weekell75]

Oh yes, and the other thing that scares me is that I will miss the intimacy and (after a few years of the lack of it) will go searching elsewhere for it.

The thought horrifies me at the moment, but how can I say for sure that it won't happen?

[Mary3]

Oh yes, and the other thing that scares me is that I will miss the intimacy and (after a few years of the lack of it) will go searching elsewhere for it.

The thought horrifies me at the moment, but how can I say for sure that it won't happen?

 

For me personally : There MUST be passion and sexual attraction along with sexual activity on a regular basis ( at least once a day ). To give that up and put it on the shelf would likely cause a need to have it fulfilled and I don't think playing with yourself is a cure-all.

 

Could you stray if someone came along and found you sexually appealing ?

 

It depends on many factors but I know I would not want to live my life that way.

[RecordProducer]

RP, I don't think he is asexual, he definately has his moments (like we had the best session ever at the weekend! Wow!). It just doesn't happen often enough for me. I will be okay like this for a a while, until the tension biulds up in me again and then I start ranting on this thread again. I am thinking I should try again tomorrow night and see if we can try to do it twice a week, biuld it up from there. He is finished his course next week, so I can't wait for that (neither can he!). I think he should get a check up to see if it is medical, that is a good idea.

The thing that controls a man's libido is testosterone. Of course, a man won't f*** someone they find unattractive, but this is not it. He can still want to have sex once a week if his testosterone level is low.

 

Check for his night erections. Normally men have at least 5 erections during sleep. If his penis is soft all night (you don't have to stay up for more than one hour after he falls asleep) then it's his testosterone level. If you had normal sex a few days ago then it's not an erectile dysfunction such as blood not coming to the penis or penile tissue injury. But diminished libido overall is a proof that something is wrong medically. In his sleep he isn't aware of anything; it's only his body that works. Check his body!

[RecordProducer]

Oh yes, and the other thing that scares me is that I will miss the intimacy and (after a few years of the lack of it) will go searching elsewhere for it.

The thought horrifies me at the moment, but how can I say for sure that it won't happen?

The time to have these thoughts hasn't come yet. You don't know what's going on. Don't make any decisions now even in your mind only.

 

When you have enough information, you will know how to deal with the problem. Until then, don't make things worse. Don't take it personally.

[weekell75]

RP,

 

There isn't anything wrong with his night time erections, he gets raging hard-ons all the time, he just doesn't feel the need to take care of it a lot of the time.

And I know for sure he never masturbates - we have been at foreplay, then we have had to stop for some reason or another, so he will just lie back and forget about it!

I am wondering if he isn't doing damage to himself, when he is only getting rid of his load when he feels like having sex (average 2- 3 times every fortnight at the moment?)

I will ask him to go to the doc for a check-up to see if there is anythign wrong with him physically (there is a family history of heart disease and cancer, so this wouldn't do any harm anyway).

Its so hard when I fancy him so much......