The Visit- The Upcoming Wedding

[alphamale]

Wish me luck. Or strength. Whichever you think I will need more.

don't get liquored up KM, that's my last piece of advice. just enough booze to relax you and no more.

 

have fun and remember weddings are one of the best places to hook up.

[kitten chick]

have fun and remember weddings are one of the best places to hook up.

Oh totally, and don't forget to share a slow dance or a little kiss with a cutie in front of your ex

[KittenMoon]

Ok, I lack the evil to show off in front of him. So no hooking up, kissing, etc.

 

Maybe a slow dance.....

 

But seriously, flirting with some guys would be rude and evil- not because of my ex, but because it would make our mutual friends (including the married couple) uncomfortable. Feelings are still a bit tender all around. I've tried to minimize the damage from our break-up all around- I even apologized to the married couple for the awkardness it caused (well, actually what my EX caused, which marks the last time i will ever apologize for him...)

[KittenMoon]

Well... I survived the wedding! Actually, it was a piece of cake.

 

Rolled up the church with my friend, immediatly saw the ex sitting alone in his car, obviously waiting for someone he knew to show up (too scared to go in alone ). Then my friend's husband and our other friend pulled in behind us, so ex came out to walk in with us. As he walked up, I said "Hi" like nothing was up. We all sat in the same pew, us on opposite ends. He seemed really nervous and awkward about the whole thing- I was bubbly and happy as if nothing was off. Honestly, I felt very little looking at him.

 

I almost cried during the ceremony though, because with all the talk about love and seeing my best friends getting married, it was suddenly very obvious what had been lacking between us. I can't quite define it, but it wasn't there. On some level I think it was never really "our" life, like I see with my committed friends. I worked into his little fantasy about how life should be- so instead of "our" life it was "his life with me in it". I can't say I'm not to blame for this as well- but when it comes to love we were both inexperienced.

 

Fortunately, the dumbass priest (he was a real prick) kept calling the groom by the wrong name so I was trying really hard not to laugh, so I didn't cry.

 

ANYWAYS, after the ceremony we were playing eye tag- trying not to give direct attention to each other but finding it hard in such close proximity. The it came time to leave the church- the rest of us were going to the friend's apt we were crashing in and smy sneaky friend invited him along. He really had no other option (kill time alone or with us) so he tried to subtly come over to me and asked quietly "do you mind if I come to ----'s". I said quite loudly (since EVERYONE was standing right there anyways) "I don't care you can come if you want". So he did. We got some coffee while killing time and he finally started to open up and stop acting bizarre. Told me about his friend at work who had cancer (who I had met a few times). We acted cordial and friendly.

 

At the reception he kinda kept his distance, but was less awkward. Told me I looked lovely at one point (which I DID). Even talked directly to me a few times, asking me stuff (just general conversation).

 

The wedding was out of town from where we live, just about an hour away, so he was driving back that night. My sneaky friend asked him if he just wanted to stay with us overnight so he could have a few drinks and go to brunch with us, but he said he didn't want to because "had already been crying enough today". Whatever. I still don't get why HE'S acting so damn sad three months later when I got burned.

 

He left just after dinner just as the dancing was starting (it was already 9). Actually, what he got up and sat down next to me at the table we were all chilling at and said quietly "Well I'm going to get going now." I was like "So soon?" and he said he had had a long day.. ect. I said ok. He said "Well, I guess we'll talk later." ANd I said "Will we?" He was taken aback by this, and said "Well, maybe..I don't know." He sort of sat for a few seconds and I was like "Are you going to go?" I wasn't trying to be mean, I said it nice, but he made the whole thing very awkward by sitting next to ME, addressing ME quietly, instead of simply addressing our whole group of friends sitting there (7-9 of us). I wished him a good trip back and he left to say bye to the bride and groom and then he was gone. Honestly, I am a little sad because I may have come off a little callous and I really want to say good-bye nicely, because this was really goodbye to me.

 

So I survived- didn't even feel much. DOn't know why, maybe I'll feel worse in a day or two. But he seemed so young to me there, immature, and even a little pathetic in the way he was acting. In my head I have begun to realize I don't love him anymore, not in the romantic dedicated way love between partners should be. But then I feel guilty for that. Like I'm not dedicating myself enough. But in reality, I had begun to have these feelings a while before we broke up. He needs to GROW UP. I still miss him to quite a bit, and I'm a tad bit weepy tonight (but I'm also exhausted, cold, and feeling a bit sick so I'd really just like to be wrapped in the arms of the guy who used to love me).

 

But I survived. And I've surivived being alone for over three months. And I've seen him twice lately and been strong. Seeing him has actually helped me deal better I think- he went from cruel and mean to human and a little pathetic. So i guess I feel better... at least like the wound is clotted.

 

It's sad seeing two people so in love, and really the most amazing and beautiful wedding ever (the reception place was amazing!), becasue I wonder when I'll feel that way. But I want what I see in them, not just an incomplete union.

[shelters]

Awesome update! One more hurdle checked off your list.

[the_alchemyst]

If it is what you want then yes it is almost as easy as flipping a switch.

 

That is not true.

 

Originally Posted by alphamale

that's total bulls***...

 

That is not true either. The male gender certainly is better capable of a selfish attitude, which usually stems from his inability to deal with feelings.

 

This is not ever man, but as generalization, it is true.

 

Kitten:

 

I'm sorry you are going through so much. I completely agree with--I too am against the whole "just forget it and move on" rule. Is this were truly possible, why would be here? Makes no sense.

 

It's been 3 months, eh? I bet for you it feels like it's been an eternity. When you say that your exbf cried more than you, you reminded me a lot of my exbf--he always cried more than me, especially when we saw each other after a long period of not doing so. Because of repeated experiences with this, I have come to two conclusions:

 

1.) He does so because he cares for you, and feels guilt and remorse for having hurt you. This does not, unfortunately, mean that he still loves you; it probably means that he actually has ceased loving you.

 

or

 

2.) He feels bad for himself and is sorry and regretful of letting you go, yet it still uncapable of comunicating this to you verbally.

 

I think you know which one it is, if it is either.

 

Congratulations of staying strong during your first meeting--I have been there and it really is a difficult thing to do. You want to hug him and make it all better, but yet you know you can't and also know that you don't want to make a fool of yourself.

 

 

All in all, I sincerely admire the way you handle yourself. I hope everything works out in the manner you want it to, Kitten.

[KittenMoon]

Alchy- Hey what's up! Where you been?

 

It's been 3 months, eh? I bet for you it feels like it's been an eternity. When you say that your exbf cried more than you, you reminded me a lot of my exbf--he always cried more than me, especially when we saw each other after a long period of not doing so. Because of repeated experiences with this, I have come to two conclusions:

 

1.) He does so because he cares for you, and feels guilt and remorse for having hurt you. This does not, unfortunately, mean that he still loves you; it probably means that he actually has ceased loving you.

 

I'm betting you're right on this count. He's quite upset but nothing he's said or done has indicated to me he's thinking about any sort of reconciliation, nor have I speculated this at all recently. In fact, the stuff he's said has been to the contrary to reconcilliation.

 

But I did tell him when we saw each other the week before the wedding that his pity and sad emotions towards me didn't mean s*** to me, that I didn't want or need him feeling bad for me, that the only thing that mattered was what WASN'T said or done at the time it needed to be said and done (before the break-up). A week later, he's still crying, so apparently something's bothering him. Maybe it was just having to see me. Or maybe he's turned a corner by now and the stress is gone, since we have no reason to see each other anymore. Don't know. Can't say I don't care, cause I do, but there's really nothing I can do, so...

 

And this does feel like an eternity. I feel completely filled with sadness, and that's the worst part.

 

 

Oh, and here's a fun update. When we first broke up, I blamed a lot of the break-up on my ex's lousy work situation. Has it improved since? Nope... He hasn't been paid since Jan, he hasn't seen penny one of the tuition money his employer promised him, all the managers and long-term employees are trying to leave, the business is truly tanking. Just like I said would happen all along...

 

He never believed me when I said something, and yet I continue to be right almost all the time... he should have kept me around just for that! His naive optimism is terrifying.