Author KittenMoon Posted May 16, 2006 Author Share Posted May 16, 2006 but KM, you cannot deny the gene pool of your superb DNA for any length of time My prescription is you institute total NC and hit the dating scene ASAP... I love your advice alpha, because then I know exactly what not to do. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 I love your advice alpha, because then I know exactly what not to do. Thanks! Many times KM, the hardest thing to do is also the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 16, 2006 Author Share Posted May 16, 2006 Many times KM, the hardest thing to do is also the right thing to do. For me, the "hard thing" is going go be getting over this guy, which I will only be able to do alone. So I'll take your advice this once and do the hard thing. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 KM do you have anything else in your life to focus on? (not being mean here but serious) You have got to move on and stop mulling over this guy 24/7. Do you or have you thought about bringing a date to this wedding with you? Even if it is just a male friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 16, 2006 Author Share Posted May 16, 2006 KM do you have anything else in your life to focus on? (not being mean here but serious) You have got to move on and stop mulling over this guy 24/7. Do you or have you thought about bringing a date to this wedding with you? Even if it is just a male friend? What is this mulling? I'm COPING. I'm figuring stuff out! It's only been three months after a 6.5 yr relationship! This person was, and continues to be unfortunately, entrenched into many facets of my life- each of which I am trying to slowly seperate. Geez. You'd think falling out of love was as easy as turning the light off the way some people talk... Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 What is this mulling? I'm COPING. I'm figuring stuff out! It's only been three months after a 6.5 yr relationship! This person was, and continues to be unfortunately, entrenched into many facets of my life- each of which I am trying to slowly seperate. Geez. You'd think falling out of love was as easy as turning the light off the way some people talk... If it is what you want then yes it is almost as easy as flipping a switch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 16, 2006 Author Share Posted May 16, 2006 If it is what you want then yes it is almost as easy as flipping a switch. Of course it's not what I want! I want my ex back, I want my happiness back, and I want my life back! What I'm trying to do is deal with it all piece by piece by piece until hopefully I hit the day that those things aren't what I want. Unfortunately, there are a lot of pieces to deal with. I'm optimistically hoping I will be over him in about a year! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 You know what's ridiculous? Until my break-up, marriage was a vague sorta silly concept to me, and having children was damn near repulsive. I had been kinda considering marriage prior to the break-up, but it may have been my brain responding to the growing distanct I felt. Anyways, my point is that all around me people are getting married and having babies, and now all I want is to get married and have babies. I think this may have driven me truly insane... Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 I totally know the feeling. My best friend just got engaged....wow. And, like you, when I was with my ex I never really thought about marriage. Until it got close to our breakup. I think its because I kind of figured I "had it in the bag" so to speak so I did not need to worry about it. I tend to think about marriage and children now as such a scary and distant thought, now that I am starting over again. I cannot even find a guy I am attractd to let alone someone I want to marry and have children with! Not to go on a tangent, but I feel like marriage is such a huge part of our culture it is just shoved down our throats. It can be a beautiful thing, but isn't the statistic now that like 50% of marriages end in divorce? SCARY Its possible that you are just fixating on this now because your mind is focused on relationships because you are forced to analyze your old one and possibly think about a new one at times, eventhough this probably is hard to do... I know that I all of a sudden have this feeling like I am being left out. I see all these people with families everyday, and now my best friend getting married and I think to myself: Is this some sort of joke?? Is marriage for real? How do you meet someone like that?! lol Anyways, With any luck its just a phase for the both of us and we will get over it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 I never wanted marriage before.... never thought I WOULD want it. Now I do. I think I am fixated on it because 1) Everybody's doing it and 2) My ex is the kind of guy I WOULD want to marry if I do someday. Everyday I wish I hadn't met him so young... Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 I am attempting to formulate a plan for this weekend. Obviously, I will be seeing my ex and I want to be mentally prepared as I institute NC. So, what I think I've decided on: I'm going NC on my end with the ex. He wants to see me again, to be able to talk or email once in a while. But I realized I'm still angry because he would be getting me as me without any obligation. He acts like he misses my presence in his life, but since he's decided that he's been happier since we've been broken up, well he can be happy then. He has the freedom now to pursue whatever he wants in his life without obligations. But he'll have to do it without me, my opinions, etc. Barring emergencies, unavoidable situations, or when I really need someone to feed my cat (don't laugh, I have a limited source of caregivers) I'm not going to initiate contact. That being said I will not tell him not to initiate contact with me, but that ANY contact should be purposeful and sporadic. (Him letting me know he's got a new job and will be moving would be an example...) At least for a significant amount of time while I heal emotionally. I know I'm a long way off still- I'm sobbing at least once a night, although that may be triggered lately by the fact that I saw him and will now be seeing him again. It should get better post-wedding. What I'm stuck on, is what/how to tell him this. I have SO many things I still wanna throw at him- like how he's seeking my friendship when at the end of our relationship he was treating me very disrespectfully (not necessarily on purpose, but I wasn't hiding how I felt about things- stubborn bastard maintains he did NOTHING wrong- men!). But the logic part of me says screw it all- it doesn't mean anything now does it? It's not going to fix a damn thing, right? So I supposed it will just be the above ground rules, and an "I'll see ya when I see ya" farewell. Damn, this is the hardest thing ever. When I think that this Sat will be the last time I see him probably for months, maybe for years, possibly FOREVER, I just wanna break down... somedays I really wish he could have been an abusive cheating jerk so it would be easier to turn away... Ok, let me know what you think. Be nice. I'm fragile when it comes to this. This is a far bigger step than I WANT to take. shelters? Link to post Share on other sites
shelters Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 What I'm stuck on, is what/how to tell him this. I have SO many things I still wanna throw at him- like how he's seeking my friendship when at the end of our relationship he was treating me very disrespectfully (not necessarily on purpose, but I wasn't hiding how I felt about things- stubborn bastard maintains he did NOTHING wrong- men!). But the logic part of me says screw it all- it doesn't mean anything now does it? It's not going to fix a damn thing, right? So I supposed it will just be the above ground rules, and an "I'll see ya when I see ya" farewell. I have seen the advice given that NC is not something you state you are going to do, you just do. But that doesn't work well for me so I am completely with you on your whole post. It was important for me in my own situation to state to my ex to not contact me any longer. It was in that moment that I felt a *huge* release of tension (actually I was sad for two days after, but on the third day it was like an awakening happened.) My sutuation was a lot easier though because I didn't have any exceptions to the rule of NC. Are you able to do that? What (important) information about him would you NOT find out about from other mutual friends? My suggestion to you would be to state strict NC until such time as you are comfortable with contacting him. This way you won't have to worry about him sending you 'hey' emails and it will also let him know that as and when you are ready to be friends, you will let him know. Now I have a feeling you won't want to do that. So how to send him the NC message but with your few exceptions for contact? Well, keep in mind that I think you already did this with him, no? Yet he still sent the 'hey' email. Secondly, guys are dense. You will have to spell out precisely what is ok contact and what isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 I'm afraid that if I say "Don't contact me at all EVER", he really will do that, forever and ever. And that will be the foremost thing in his head and will overshadow and trump anything else related to me, even a desire for reconciliation. He's VERY literal minded like that. If I said I never want to see you again, he would accept that out of fear, not because that's what he wants. So the best I can think to do is walk away. Ask for nothing, promise nothing, not contact him but not completely outlaw it either. If he wants any boundaries, just say "Give me time." And then walk away. I want to make this undefined enough so that over time he can truly figure out what he wants from me, if anything at all, without feeling like I've shunned him forever and always. And I want to be able to heal myself, without having to fear I can never talk to this person ever again because that's the boundary I set at one moment in time. Maybe in six months I won't give a damn, y'know, so it will be a moot point. The worst part is I don't feel like I'm cutting off my exbf, I feel like I'm cutting off my best friend. Honestly, I just want to be happy again. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 So the best I can think to do is walk away. Ask for nothing, promise nothing, not contact him but not completely outlaw it either. If he wants any boundaries, just say "Give me time." And then walk away. sometimes KM, the best course of action is to say and do nothing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 sometimes KM, the best course of action is to say and do nothing... Seemed to have some effect already! Went six weeks w/o talking to him and he was like "I can't believe we stopped talking sob sob sob..." Did he forget the part about him breaking up with me? Ok, so I can't lie and say I don't want this guy back. But I do realize that it would never be the same- that our years of puppy love are out the window and that any new love would have to be an utterly new type- grown-up love, partners, more respectful. THAT'S the kind of love I want in my life now. I can't help but hope it will come from him someday, but he obviously doesn't even know what that is right now and maybe he never will. There ARE other guys who will, but the familiar is more appealing than the completely undefined. Ok, just ranting and a little mental. I'm tired today. I think I'm fighting off an infection. I have a very swollen painful lymph node. If I get sick for this wedding- I will freak... Link to post Share on other sites
shelters Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 I'm afraid that if I say "Don't contact me at all EVER", he really will do that, forever and ever. You know him the best, however.......... I strongly strongly strongly disagree. Did I mention strongly? When guys want something they go after it. If he wakes up 6 months from now and the in-love feelings come rushing back, he will contact you. Believe me. He will. Men are better at being selfish than women are. His desire to have you back will by far supersede your words you spoke to him 6 months ago about NC. No doubt. Having said that, I agree with not making any statements that are written in blood. I would go more along the lines of: "This break-up has been and still is a difficult process for me. For right now I need some distance between us so that I can get over you. How I will feel several months from now, who knows, but for now this is what I need." 1. Keep it about you and your needs. 2. Whatever you do say, I would say the "get over you words" somewhere in your speech. He needs to understand that by not choosing the relationship, your life will continue to move forward- with or without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 No more speeches to him- I'm going to walk away with as little talking as is necessary to convey I need to get on with my life. It sucks... but there it is. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Men are better at being selfish than women are. that's total bulls***... Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 that's total bulls***... Men are totally selfish, self-absorbed, etc! Not that they sit around thinking "I should get whatever I want" but when it comes to making real sacrifices, well, they don't generally make them with a tenth of the frequency women do. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 You know him the best, however.......... I strongly strongly strongly disagree. Did I mention strongly? When guys want something they go after it. If he wakes up 6 months from now and the in-love feelings come rushing back, he will contact you. Believe me. He will. Men are better at being selfish than women are. His desire to have you back will by far supersede your words you spoke to him 6 months ago about NC. No doubt. Men are totally selfish, self-absorbed, etc! Not that they sit around thinking "I should get whatever I want" but when it comes to making real sacrifices, well, they don't generally make them with a tenth of the frequency women do. Women do the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
shelters Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 that's total bulls***... Men are absolutely better at being selfish. It is a trait that more women should be taught. Instead, they are taught to be selfless. Bad. Bad. Bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 Women do the same thing. But a woman won't break my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 But a woman won't break my heart. Wait till you have daughters... Remember to have fun even with the ex around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 Well... tomorrow is the day. The wedding. The last time I will see my ex in the foreseable future. I've felt better today than in a while, I hope this holds out for tomorrow. Wish me luck. Or strength. Whichever you think I will need more. Oh, and I will look so ravishing he'll be getting one last look at what HE'S missing. Link to post Share on other sites
shelters Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 'atta girl! Knock 'em dead and have a *great* time!!!!!!!! :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts