I love my wife but I am no longer attracted to her physically...

[lonepearl]

But here's the thing, Lone Pearl. This thread was started by a man whose wife simply REFUSES to quit eating like there's no tomorrow. Her's is not a problem of a health issue causing her to be fat. It's her lack of caring and lack of self control. I think you'll find it's much easier to contribute when we stick to the subject.

once again.. sticking to the issue...

 

...she eats uncontrollably. has he asked her oir even tried to find out if she eats and eats as a comfort thing..a replacement to some needs NOT being met in her life??? is it depression? rather than just say...she needs to stop eating and stuffing her face?...

 

...it is about underlying causes...wanting to improve not only a partner but a relationship and a ONE ('us').... that is my advice anyway...and i still havent heard from the MAN whether he has or not

 

regards

[twilliams_ca]

I'm gonna come here with an alternate viewpoint countering what most people have said here.

 

Getting fat ISN'T NECESSARILY getting unhealthy.

You can be unhealthy & slim as well.

Fat has nothing to do with health I don't give a D*MN what those doctors say.

And just in case you're wondering I'm 6 foot tall, 145 pounds. A twig.

So don't think these are words from an offended fat person.

 

With that being said in this man's marriage his wife's weight is a problem for him. It's nothing wrong with his viewpoint. Some people don't like fat bodies. Some people do.

 

As someone else pointed out his wife will age & her attractiveness will decrease as she looks less & less like the woman he married.

She will wrinkle. She will turn gray. She will sag. To what degree depends on lifestresses & genetics but it will happen & he won't like it then either.

(some people DO like women with age however so to some it may be MORE of an attraction)

 

So he's really at a crossroads.

He doesn't find his wife attractive anymore so he only has two options.

 

1) Level with her & encourage her to lose weight hoping she will comply (there IS no tactful way of saying this really)

 

2) Divorce his wife because she will only continue in the direction she's going.

 

This is the problem with not realizing that figures change over time. People want a cryogenic body that never changes. And that's just not natural. Some people age more gracefully than others but in the end we all mutate.

Women get fatter easier than men because they hold more fat then men. Pregnancy is a surefire way of getting fat for women. So you can't really expect someone to stay exactly the same throughout life. At the very least they will get slightly flabby in the belly or on the arms. And many times the butt will spread.

Only some people are naturally slim throughout life.

 

And to that fact I ask about you—the husband, IrishRod.

What about you going bald? What about your eventual problems with erections? What about your gray hairs? What about the hairs growing in your nose & ears? What about your paunchy belly? What about your aging skin?

 

Does she have the same rights as you to feel repulsed when YOU transform? All the exercise in the world won't solve ALL the problems with aging.

 

People here calling fat people unattractive/lazy/etc. are wrong.

There's a signifcant section of society that consider fat women & fat men HIGHLY attractive. And we're not talking 200 pounds fat which is really more "chubby". We're talking about 300 pound, 400 pound, 500 pound, 600 pound people.

 

If you don't believe it, here's a link to a site celebrating large beauty.

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/

And the site's forum.

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/index.php

 

The women are called BBW's Big Beautiful Women

And the men are called BHM's Big Handsome Men

They are sex symbols here. Lusted after & worshipped.

 

I'm not going to get into the large number of pornographic/erotica sites there highlighting this body form.

It is a fat acceptance movement that is very strong & on the verge of becoming mainline.

There is NOTHING wrong with being fat contrary to current popular opinion.

 

If your wife is destroyed by your comments toward her about her weight (which she most probably will be), at LEAST show her this site & the links I put up. So she won't feel undesirable when her husband lets her down.

 

This may be an impasse for you, IrishRod.

Either she tries to lose the weight for you or basically your relationship is over.

 

If option #2 takes place, let her know that even IF *YOU* don't find her attractive that doesn't mean she isn't attractive & let her find the doorway to the fat acceptance movement where in her new form as BBW she will desired & accepted.

 

IrishRod, you have every right to feel as you do. Body size is important to you. But make sure that you let your wife know that she isn't worthless & undesirable just because her weight turns you off.

Let her see these sites.

 

Good luck to you.

And enough with the fat people bashing everybody.

 

Words from a skinny man,

John Lucas

 

I agree. Getting fat ISN'T NECESSARILY getting unhealthy. I got a whole family tree to prove it. And, not all fat people are unattractive or lazy.

 

As for your wife you have to ask yourself how much do you really love her?

[lonepearl]

How much does she really love him? Part of the enjoyment of a relationship for me is that my partner find me sexy and desirable. I don't know about the rest of the general population, but I find trim and firm very sexy and desirable. A little extra is okay. Downright slovenly is NOT workin' for me, and I wouldn't expect my partner to put up with it either. Hook 'em then change is NOT fair to anyone. It would be no different than someone putting on a facade of some type to get someone to think they are something they're not, then once the ring goes on, letting the facade slip away. That shouldn't bother you, right, because the whole package - the woman who deceived you - is who she is as a person, and you love her, right?

BINGO...."..Part of the enjoyment of a relationship for me is that my partner find me sexy and desirable. I don't..." - not everyone enjoys the same stuff in a relationship... e.g. i would rather my partner was turned on with my career and brain potentials (being COMPLETELY honest) than anything. me and my power suite.

 

but it hurts when i realise he'd rather have the dumb blonde with the gorgeous bod walking on the street than me. that is when i realise and say "man when god was handing out brains in one row and beauty in the other, i am gonna make sure i go in the beauty row next time. its not worth it havin brains when you have to cater to men at the end of the day"!

 

 

once again, even though i have been taken as someone who is unclear of the issues just becauise i havent read every single thread... i am gonna go out on a limb to say it again - what has HEEEE done to DISCOVER the root causes of HER issues - be it weight be it depression , be it resentment, be it anger... how did he establish she does not want to change because she likes being fat and wants to eat and eat and be so fat and yet create disharmony in the relationship??? (and her words when he might have confronted her dont count because of normal human nature to be defenseive!) - but really tried to discover through observation and real wanting to know his partner and HER NEEDS better....

[Timberlane]

While I don't really have a weight problem, I did have an aversion to exercise based on ignorance. I discovered the eliptical trainer for cardio work and am now hooked. First, one need not workout until you feel like you are dizzy. If your eliptical trainer is a good one, it will have a heart monitor on it. Otherwise, buy one. Keep your heart rate at 80% of your maximum, which will probably be somewhere around 140 beats per minute. This is very comfortable. You sweat, but no pain in the chest. The eliptical motion saves your joints, so no sore hips, knees, shins, or any of the crap you get from running. And to top it off, get something like an iPod for tunes. Make workout playlists. You got it. It's actually fun. And, the endorphines really even out the mood.

 

Your wife will find more benefits from this than simply losing weight.

[julieg]

irishrod

you are TOTALLY normal and i really feel for you. i am married for 15 years and weigh the same as when i met my husband (size 4) i work out at least 5 times a week and try to eat properly. this cycle reallly works for me and keeps my self image up as well as other things. your wife is not overweight for no reason.

 

1)emotional issues-gaining 50+ pounds is a red flag for it. she is most likely depressed and eats when she feels anxious, sad etc. get her into a self help group OA-overeaters anonymous or a counsellor to discuss her issues because eating is a symptom of the problem. some ssri meds cause weight gain too- i have a friend who gains tons of weight from zoloft.

 

2)inconsiderate- your wife need to be more considerate of you. her getting mad at you for being frank about her condition shows this is evident. if my husband had a disease/physical or mental and couldnt fess up that i have a legit gripe i would be furious!!! she is being selfish and mentally abusive to you.

 

i think in essence that she needs to admit that she has a serious life threatening problem (high risk of heart disease/diabetes/stroke) and GET HELP!!!

[julieg]

i might add you probably know this already. she has to want to change and do the work herself. it should not be your responsibility to work out with her. it is not that hard and she is a big girl and can handle it.

[Guest]

Wow! I guess everyone is different. I have let my ex-husband and the BF before him see me in all states, but with my new husband, I never let him see me look bad. I buy nice clothes for home, I let my hair down as soon as I hear him open the door, I cover the zit that apears randomly with make-up, shave my legs regularly, and dress up when we go out only because I want him to be proud of me. I understand how important this all is, without making a big deal out of it or involving too much effort in it. I feel good about myself when I look good. I still want to lose 5-10 lbs and suffer a lot because of the fact that I can't control my meals as much as I would like to.

 

I am surprised that your wife simply doesn't care about how she looks. But I kinda don't believe in that. It could be her defense mechanism and spiteful character.

 

Try to talk to her again. She has been angry with you for two weeks, which means your complaint did hurt her a lot. I think her response doesn't match her real feelings on the subject and she is just experiencing some narrow thinking due to her anger.

 

Ask her some questions and request yes-or-no answers:

- do you agree that you have gained 80 lbs since we met?

- do you agree that 80 lbs of fat and cellulite are not attractive?

- do you agree that I have a right to not find your body attractive due to your excessive weight?

- do you agree that it's my right as your husband to point out at your faults that concern both our lives?

- do you agree that I as your husband, should try to help you get rid of your faults rather than look for someone else who doesn't have them?

- do you think that I have a right to expect from my wife to be attractive?

- even if you think I am shallow, do you realize that if we don't have sex (together!) and we both don't miss it - it basically means that an important part of our marriage is dead?

- do you think that sexual attraction and sex are important in a marriage?

- do you mind if I think they are important?

- do you think that only your needs are important (in this case your need to eat and not exercise) while my needs are totally unimportant?

- do you think that we would both benefit from you losing weight or do you think that only I would benefit from that while you would lose something (other than weight and risk for various diseases)?

- and finally, are you happier as overweight than slim?

 

If a few long and friendly conversations don't help, I'd try to cut some of the pleasures she receives from you. E.g. go out by yourself, don't eat what she cooks, don't help her if she asks you to, etc. When she starts complaining about it, remind her that she can't get everything she wants and thinks belongs to her, just like you can't get it from her.

 

In addition, look at other skinny girls with admiration, take good care of yourself, dress up when going to work so that she feels fat and ugly while you shine in all your glory.

 

 

Good for you and what you do. I think that your attitude makes you rather shallow and unattractive in another way. Imagine a physically beautiful woman, and an emotionally void individual inside that shell. That's what I see when I have read your posts. You are just a LITTLE too full of yourself.