I love my wife but I am no longer attracted to her physically...

[PuppyDogEyes]

She is happy and comfortable. She told me to get used to it. I expressed the fact that I no longer look at her like the beautiful and sexy wife. She seemed not to care.

 

This statement above, combined with the following:

 

Later on, while she was still shooting daggers at me with her eyes, I decided to tell her that it was effecting how I felt and thought about her sexually and she pleasantly told me that if I didn’t want to have sex with her she wouldn’t miss it.

 

.... tells me that there's something more going on here than just the weight issue. Who would look their husband in the eye and say, "If you don't want to be intimate with me, I don't care, I won't miss it anyhow"?

 

Either that, or it's one huge case of defensiveness. But I don't think it is.

 

- pde.

[syndicate96]

hey. yeah, as a guy in your position, your reaction is kinda natural. from what you say, i understand that there you still have an emotional attraction to your wife, which is always a good thing. the lack of physical attraction is pretty normal when one considers your situation. just don't give in to temptations if any arise. this fantacizing about other women is quite common even with men who are married to young and attractive women. it's just your instinct to have thoughts about attractive women. there's nothing wrong about that. what is wrong is acting upon those thoughts when you're already committed to a woman.

 

what i think you should do is first of all, don't tell her you're not attracted to her. that's just plain cruel.

 

second, try to convince her to join you at the gym. i know you said you've tried, but add a slight spin to your approach. tell her something like "sweetheart, why don't you come to the gym with me a few times a week? it's kinda lonely when i'm there without you, and i'd love to spend more time with you, especially after i hurt your feelings with what i said about your weight. you don't have to work out, just join me. i enjoy your company, and i enjoy being around you." try to say something like that. you've been married a while. you should know how to word it in a way that she'll accept.

 

third, i think you should seriously spend time with her. even if she isn't attractive to you anymore, be with her. she was already hurt by what you said about her not being as attractive to you as she used to be. don't hurt her more by avoiding her. let her know you want to be around her and that you still enjoy her company. even if she doesn't talk to you, try to be around her. eventually, she'll realize that you're being genuine, and she'll be more open toward you.

 

fourth, don't argue with her about losing weight. if she doesn't want to, don't push her. instead, find a way around her stubbornness. try to be slick with your approach. find a way to convince her in a way that she doesn't notice. work in a way that makes her think that she changed her mind about losing weight out of her own free will. do you get what i mean? change her mind, but do it in a way that makes her think that she, out of her own free will, chose to lose weight.

 

fifth, try preparing her meals for her. try making healthier meals for her to eat. offer to cook for her. if she refuses, the offer to buy the groceries, and when you do, choose healthier foods and buy those instead. if she has healthy foods to cook with, she'll eat healthier. if that doesn't work, go with her when she shops for groceries, and gently persuade her to buy healthier foods to stock the fridge and pantry with.

 

just try to appeal to her in a way that she is receptive to. don't try to persuade her the traditional way. play mind games to make her change her mind about becoming more fit. the best way to do that is by making her feel you have just accepted her as she is, while secretly and subliminally influencing her to choose to become more aware and active about her health and fitness.

 

if all that doesn't work, just try accepting the fact that things are the way they are and just try to cope with it. DO NOT choose infidelity as a way out of this mess though. that is probably the worst thing you could choose to do in this situation. just stay faithful, because after all, she is your wife of 12 yrs, and just try to deal with it all.

[Brianschick]

Is it just me or does it sound like his wife is pushing him away intentionally?.

 

I think she is putting weight on to keep him away from her....I really do.

She said she WOULD not miss it if she didn't have sex with him anymore THEN she said she intends on staying the same weight she is......?

I seriously think sex is not a big deal to this woman(as with many other women). She is content with the idea of a sexless marriage.

 

Yeah, maybe marriage couseling is the next step.

[RecordProducer]

She sat me down over the holiday weekend and proceeded to tell me that she will not be losing weight. She is happy and comfortable.

Wow! I guess everyone is different. I have let my ex-husband and the BF before him see me in all states, but with my new husband, I never let him see me look bad. I buy nice clothes for home, I let my hair down as soon as I hear him open the door, I cover the zit that apears randomly with make-up, shave my legs regularly, and dress up when we go out only because I want him to be proud of me. I understand how important this all is, without making a big deal out of it or involving too much effort in it. I feel good about myself when I look good. I still want to lose 5-10 lbs and suffer a lot because of the fact that I can't control my meals as much as I would like to.

 

I am surprised that your wife simply doesn't care about how she looks. But I kinda don't believe in that. It could be her defense mechanism and spiteful character.

 

Try to talk to her again. She has been angry with you for two weeks, which means your complaint did hurt her a lot. I think her response doesn't match her real feelings on the subject and she is just experiencing some narrow thinking due to her anger.

 

Ask her some questions and request yes-or-no answers:

- do you agree that you have gained 80 lbs since we met?

- do you agree that 80 lbs of fat and cellulite are not attractive?

- do you agree that I have a right to not find your body attractive due to your excessive weight?

- do you agree that it's my right as your husband to point out at your faults that concern both our lives?

- do you agree that I as your husband, should try to help you get rid of your faults rather than look for someone else who doesn't have them?

- do you think that I have a right to expect from my wife to be attractive?

- even if you think I am shallow, do you realize that if we don't have sex (together!) and we both don't miss it - it basically means that an important part of our marriage is dead?

- do you think that sexual attraction and sex are important in a marriage?

- do you mind if I think they are important?

- do you think that only your needs are important (in this case your need to eat and not exercise) while my needs are totally unimportant?

- do you think that we would both benefit from you losing weight or do you think that only I would benefit from that while you would lose something (other than weight and risk for various diseases)?

- and finally, are you happier as overweight than slim?

 

If a few long and friendly conversations don't help, I'd try to cut some of the pleasures she receives from you. E.g. go out by yourself, don't eat what she cooks, don't help her if she asks you to, etc. When she starts complaining about it, remind her that she can't get everything she wants and thinks belongs to her, just like you can't get it from her.

 

In addition, look at other skinny girls with admiration, take good care of yourself, dress up when going to work so that she feels fat and ugly while you shine in all your glory.

[StayClose]

She knows she's overweight, and she knows you don't like it. Any more conversation or pressure about it will only piss her off and make her less likely to try to slim down.

 

Only she can decide to lose weight. If she does, be supportive, but pressure will not work. It will probably backfire.

 

If she is still agreeable to having sex, then turn off the lights and make love to her, focussing your attention on the things you like about her, the tactile sensations you're getting, her arousal -- but not what she looks like. If she still enjoys sex, you may find that you enjoy it too, even with her extra pounds.

[SoleMate]

I agree that's it time to pull out The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. It is quite possible that the wife is using those 80 pounds to form a barrier against sexual relations with her husband. Irish, please read the above, and also His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.

 

For your marriage to be successful, both your and your wife need to do a great job meeting each other's most important emotional needs, AND avoid Love Busters. Your situation is tough, because the sheer fact of telling your wife about your emotional need for her to be average size has major "Love Buster" potential. In fact, it probably was a Love Buster - that's what the week of silence was about.

 

So, your wife has announced her unilateral decision to stay heavy regardless of your feelings and regardless of the effect on the marriage. Is is typical of her to make important decisions without consulting you, and without getting your view? Does your wife feel that her needs - probably for affection, conversation, opennness and honesty - are getting met by you?

 

If you can answer the above, I have more advice for you.

[StayClose]

I'm not saying lights off is ideal - I'm making a suggestion that might be a start to the two of them reviving their sex life.

 

Yes, men are visual - but there's a lot more to sex than visual. There's all the tactile sensasations, the openness & vulnerability, making someone feel good because you live them and vice-versa. An overweight women still has a vagina, breasts (they're probably larger too) and a clitoris. All she needs is to feel comfortable with herself and a man who is comfortable being sexual with her. Great sex is not just about what someone looks like.

 

We place way too much emphasis on physical beauty. Men are taught to desire women who look like Selma Hyak or Jessica Simpson. Women are taught to want the Brad Pitt or Gearge Clooney look. However, most people don't look like Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Selma Hyak or Jessica Simpson. There's certainly not enough to go around for everyone who wants their partner to look like one of these people. So too many people feel they have to settle for someone who is lacking in the looks department.

 

And those that do land a hot-looking partner soon find themselves in unfulfilling or unstable relationships if their partner was choosen for their attractivness without regard to other areas of compatibility required to make a long-term-relationship work.

 

So if men and women could just widen their expectations of what their partners should look like, and go more by emotional & sexual chemistry, then more people would have more exciting & fulfilling sex lives.

 

I gave my advice to Irishrod in hopes that if he can connect sexually with his wife despite her weight and discover that they could still have great sex together, then that's all the better for both of them. As his wife rediscovers her sexuality, she may even be motivated to lose some of that weight!

[slinkysu]

Is it just me or does it sound like his wife is pushing him away intentionally?.

 

I seriously think sex is not a big deal to this woman(as with many other women).

 

Yeah, maybe marriage couseling is the next step.

 

I agree that it seems that she is pushing him away intentionally but your comment about sex not being a big deal to many women is far off the mark! Just go to the getting married section of this site and look at the thread entitled "not enough sex"! Sex is important to both men and women and if they had a healthy sex life and it has gone downhill and she is purposefully getting fat and building barriers then sex is not the issue here.

 

 

 

 

In addition, look at other skinny girls with admiration, take good care of yourself, dress up when going to work so that she feels fat and ugly while you shine in all your glory.

 

I think your approach to your husband is admirable (although slightly tiring - i don't think i could ever keep up with being beautiful 100% of the time - he must be well worth it for all the effort! Lucky you!) however i think your last paragraph of advice is just plain wrong.

 

Playing games is stupid and pathetic and results in two adults acting like two children. Honesty and communication is the only way forward and if you have to result to looking at slim women and being a complete b*sta*rd to your wife then it is fairer to leave her than torture her. Making someone feel fat and ugly is just plain horrible.

[RecordProducer]

Yes, men are visual - but there's a lot more to sex than visual. There's all the tactile sensasations, the openness & vulnerability, making someone feel good because you live them and vice-versa. An overweight women still has a vagina, breasts (they're probably larger too) and a clitoris. All she needs is to feel comfortable with herself and a man who is comfortable being sexual with her. Great sex is not just about what someone looks like.

 

First of all, in theory you can be right a hundred times, but in reality he doesn't desire her when he looks at her so deal with that info insted of trying to change his brain structure.

 

Secondly, this is not about what SHE needs, but what HE needs. Both are important, but you can't solve his problem by telling him that HER needs are important, while his aren't. I mean, do you expect him to hit his head with his hand and say: "Gosh, I never thought of it - I should just get aroused by the fact that she has a vagina and boobs and she is a good mother and a good person that I love!"

 

Are you actually implying that physical beauty is totally unimportant and only your brain and vagina count? We all might wish for that to be true, but it isn't - so let's come down to earth and face the reality.

 

Would you sleep with anoverweight guy just because he has a penis and a good personality? Most likely, if you're single and he approached you, you'd reject him, because you wouldn't find him attractive! When you see a fat women in the street, do you find her attractive? See, I want to lose 5-6 lbs and I am not pretending in front of myself that I am equally sexy now as when I am perfectly thin. And a month ago when I had 5-7 more lbs than now, I thought I was a fat cow.

 

You're right though that it's not ONLY about looks. My 7-year old son had a GF who had a belly. He told me he noticed that and when I asked him if he minded it, he said he didn't. Later on, he got disappointed in her personality overall, and now he says her tummy is ugly. So we do forgive faults when we love and may be too harsh when we don't love. This very couple probably has more problems than her excessive weight. Her attitude shows that.

 

I think your approach to your husband is admirable (although slightly tiring - i don't think i could ever keep up with being beautiful 100% of the time - he must be well worth it for all the effort! Lucky you!)

Neah, it's not a lot of effort. There's nothing difficult in picking sexy clothes for home instead of baggy sweats or shaving. I actually don't put enough effort in mainaining my body (although I started going to the gym and swimming 3 times a week a couple months ago). Yes, he is well worth it.

 

 

however i think your last paragraph of advice is just plain wrong.

Playing games is stupid and pathetic and results in two adults acting like two children. Honesty and communication is the only way forward and if you have to result to looking at slim women and being a complete b*sta*rd to your wife then it is fairer to leave her than torture her. Making someone feel fat and ugly is just plain horrible.

Yeah, I agree with you. But what do you do when communication and counseling don't help? I stated that I advise this only after it turns out that nothing else helps.

 

I can't imagine my husband as fat cuz he is skinny. But I've never been attracted to overweight people and I don't think I would enjoy making love to my husband if he gained 80 lbs.

[zarathustra]

It's more her attitude than her appearance at this point, as far as I'm concerned. She doesn't care one bit that her husband is turned off by her 80 pounds of fat. Nice. And no - we don't need to look like Selma or J Lo or whatever. I'm not advocating plastic surgery here so someone can have a Barbie doll wife. I'm saying do the best (or at least make some sort of effort!) with what you do have. A plain looking woman with a good sense of humor, confidence, and a bit of a sense of taking care of her looks and health is much more attractive than an overweight woman with a pretty face and a lousy attitude. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I agree with you.... its really about attitude now.

 

Irish rod, as a recoverng bulimic, I guess I've never been really fat, but felt really fat. If my H was to tell me that he isn't attracted to me because I was fat, then I may have a downward spiral... but then again, I've never gained 80lbs before. I don't think that all peop want a thin SO and can look past appearance. She probably doesn't care about these things and would probably love you even if you gained 80lbs so she may have a hard time with understanding how you feel. She may need to understand that its not how she would feel about you if you gained the weight. If it took her 2 weeks to tell you that she can live without sex if you don't want it with her and that she will not lose the weight, she may be using this as a method of control. I may be grasping at straws...

 

Good luck.

[reddog63]

It does not matter if it is the wife or husband. Putting on 80lbs is a lot of weight. I understand that this issue is sensitive and any discussions should be done in a delicate way.

 

With that understood, I strongly disagree with the posters that say it is cruel to tell her he does not find her attractive. Who would. I would say it is more cruel of a spouse to let himself or herself get in that physical shape barring a medical condition. This issue is always danced around. Don't say anything about looks......say your concerned about health.........blah blah. And for those who say........try to get her to walk with you........be patient.......try to do this or that to help. Yes, thats fine to offer help. But it is on HER. I have learned nothing will work unless she will decide to do something.

 

If my wife said what yours had.........that I am happy at this weight and will not do anything and I do not care if we have sex again.........I would get a divorce. No ifs ands or buts.

 

Both spouses owe it to one another to look as good as possible for the other. To let yourself go is wrong and is not fair to the other spouse. The love me for who I am is bull sh_t.

 

It is funny, a woman at work that I talked with said her hubby is getting out of shape and fat. He gave her the line......you should love me for who I am.....which I found amusing coming from a guy.

 

And remember, I said it does need to be handled delicately. BUT, you should not hide behind the subject. What he told his wife was NOT CRUEL. If he called her a fat pig he would be cruel. But he was being honest and I am sure he put it delicately as possible. She is obviously not worried about his feelings.

 

We talk on this posts about being honest. This subject is one where the advice is to lie to spouse to avoid hurting feelings.......I dont agree this is right way to go about it.

[Love Hurts]

My mother was a beautiful curvacious female when my father married her.

 

Over the years she began to put on the lbs. One day I asked her why it wasn't important to her to keep her figure? She said it seemingly snuck up on me. Your father never let me know I was gaining so much weight nor protested I want you thinner..

 

So he didn't seem to notice and I ate another cookie.

It happens that way..

Comfort zone.................. relax. Content, contrite. All is well.

 

I do believe you need to find a way to express your desire for her to loose weight.

 

Suggestion* You might enlarge a photos of the two of you, when she was at the perfect weight in your eyes. Framed and hung on the wall.

Sometimes a visual of what she was and could be again, is a stimulator.

 

AND/OR

 

You could make her jealous. Couples do get jealous of what the other is up to, particularly when one is into something good, where the other is not invited to participate or endulge.

 

*Try going on a diet yourself.......... request that she prepare your foods, with less salt, low fat and add more fruits and vegetables. Also start on those slim fast shakes when you choose to skip a meal... You start to work out.. Get yourself in prime shape. It's all about you now.. you care.

 

As she prepares your meals as you desire...... the new health nut that you are...... She will be eating the same meal with you.

When she realizes you are making a healthy change for the betterment of your body she may desire to do it to.

 

Good luck

[lonepearl]

Hi. A lot of posts above are either from men re their fat partner, or from thin women saying yeah say it.

Hi again. I am a female who has received the "im not attracted to you" and i would like to share what it made me feel and do.

 

firstly, i was slim when i met my partner but not slim as they are today. I was always well built. obviously he found me attractive the way i was when he went out with me - i never had a flat tummy my entire life no matter what.

 

due to health reasons - girlie malfunctions and being on the pill being with him, my body had s*** happen to it and i started gaining weight - and within 3 months i was over 25 kgs heavier. no talk nothing. just started to ignore me. fighting all the time. snapping at me. leaving me in bed yearning for him to watch porn.

 

and if i did force it out of him, more shouting and angry "i dont find you attractive you happy now?"

 

not once in our relationship did he say "i love you". and yet.. the first words were ... i find you unattractive and so i have to look at other women.

 

tell me how fair is that? we are human too and have feelings. yes you aren't sexually turned on boohoo! what about us? does anyone care how much it might hurt? its easy to just say you are the innocent party but really - how selfish can you be? to be with someone and then because they gain weight suddenly not be attracted and treat them like s***? and NO shock and rough treatment does NOT work for all. e.g. for me who is already a self esteem low person, it hurt so bad, that i was so repulsive to someone i loved with every bit of my heart. it killed me everyday slowly. i gained more weight from depression - not eating, but your body responds to emotional reactions too you know. i gained so much that i went from 57Kgs to 92 in less than a year.

 

during this period, he stopped spending time with me at all. ran to friends. bitched about me to others. tell me as a human - do i deserve to be treated sub human just because i have put on weight???? am i not the same person inside? left to cry day after day feeling more s*** and low about myself. called and labelled lazy by someone who has passed a verdict and judgement and abandoned you? you feel betrayed..deeper than ever.. by someone you trusted. not an excuse to stay fat. nor a reaction of defensiveness. no. hurt. pure hurt....like your hearts been broken.

 

yeah i got the "if u think ur fat why dont u do something about it then" rudely and left dry there.

 

there was no togetherness. and no lies such as "honey do it for your health " is good either.

 

how about caring. how about seeing and observing...why is she gaining weight. am i making her unhappy. am i treating her wrong and she is obviously emotionally screwed up... where have i failed as a partner that she is not happy and is abusing her own body either with food or messing her body up internally due to stresses and emotions i didnt even bother to explore .. because i was too worried about MY own attraction and NEEDS. what about her needs?? to feel loved and secured no matter what?

 

why should she/he lose weight for a loser like you who is thinking of only your needs? have you been 100% on fulfilling all her/his needs? that you deserve her to be perfect the way YOU want her/him?

 

this is just a start...we all never can put down the total story. the day. the hours. the minutes in pain and abused love we live. and within all that we have to find the strength to become beautiful and accept ourselves and break out of that pit and rise. ALL... ALONE....for what? to make your dick happy? is it really worth it? is it really fair on the female???

 

how about rethinking how you see a woman? about partnership.. about togetherness.. about consequences and actions....not just condemn the results....

 

meanwhile, i have lsot weight without any workout...just less stress....and am down to 67Kgs...but even that is not good enough. no encouragement..only "youre still fatter than when i met you so i cant help it if i am not attracted to you" "your belly is too fat still and so i can bear to l ook at you"

 

do i deserve to be treated like a piece of meat? worse .. a piece of s***? what do i have to become to be accepted....to be lpved??? why must i change me to be loved fully and yet accept all that is given as is...to be considered the perfect lover...

 

more later. (box of tissues is empty)

[slinkysu]

Hi. A lot of posts above are either from men re their fat partner, or from thin women saying yeah say it.

Hi again. I am a female who has received the "im not attracted to you" and i would like to share what it made me feel and do.

 

firstly, i was slim when i met my partner but not slim as they are today. I was always well built. obviously he found me attractive the way i was when he went out with me - i never had a flat tummy my entire life no matter what.

 

due to health reasons - girlie malfunctions and being on the pill being with him, my body had s*** happen to it and i started gaining weight - and within 3 months i was over 25 kgs heavier. no talk nothing. just started to ignore me. fighting all the time. snapping at me. leaving me in bed yearning for him to watch porn.

 

and if i did force it out of him, more shouting and angry "i dont find you attractive you happy now?"

 

not once in our relationship did he say "i love you". and yet.. the first words were ... i find you unattractive and so i have to look at other women.

 

tell me how fair is that? we are human too and have feelings. yes you aren't sexually turned on boohoo! what about us? does anyone care how much it might hurt? its easy to just say you are the innocent party but really - how selfish can you be? to be with someone and then because they gain weight suddenly not be attracted and treat them like s***? and NO shock and rough treatment does NOT work for all. e.g. for me who is already a self esteem low person, it hurt so bad, that i was so repulsive to someone i loved with every bit of my heart. it killed me everyday slowly. i gained more weight from depression - not eating, but your body responds to emotional reactions too you know. i gained so much that i went from 57Kgs to 92 in less than a year.

 

during this period, he stopped spending time with me at all. ran to friends. bitched about me to others. tell me as a human - do i deserve to be treated sub human just because i have put on weight???? am i not the same person inside? left to cry day after day feeling more s*** and low about myself. called and labelled lazy by someone who has passed a verdict and judgement and abandoned you? you feel betrayed..deeper than ever.. by someone you trusted. not an excuse to stay fat. nor a reaction of defensiveness. no. hurt. pure hurt....like your hearts been broken.

 

yeah i got the "if u think ur fat why dont u do something about it then" rudely and left dry there.

 

there was no togetherness. and no lies such as "honey do it for your health " is good either.

 

how about caring. how about seeing and observing...why is she gaining weight. am i making her unhappy. am i treating her wrong and she is obviously emotionally screwed up... where have i failed as a partner that she is not happy and is abusing her own body either with food or messing her body up internally due to stresses and emotions i didnt even bother to explore .. because i was too worried about MY own attraction and NEEDS. what about her needs?? to feel loved and secured no matter what?

 

why should she/he lose weight for a loser like you who is thinking of only your needs? have you been 100% on fulfilling all her/his needs? that you deserve her to be perfect the way YOU want her/him?

 

this is just a start...we all never can put down the total story. the day. the hours. the minutes in pain and abused love we live. and within all that we have to find the strength to become beautiful and accept ourselves and break out of that pit and rise. ALL... ALONE....for what? to make your dick happy? is it really worth it? is it really fair on the female???

 

how about rethinking how you see a woman? about partnership.. about togetherness.. about consequences and actions....not just condemn the results....

 

meanwhile, i have lsot weight without any workout...just less stress....and am down to 67Kgs...but even that is not good enough. no encouragement..only "youre still fatter than when i met you so i cant help it if i am not attracted to you" "your belly is too fat still and so i can bear to l ook at you"

 

do i deserve to be treated like a piece of meat? worse .. a piece of s***? what do i have to become to be accepted....to be lpved??? why must i change me to be loved fully and yet accept all that is given as is...to be considered the perfect lover...

 

more later. (box of tissues is empty)

 

LEAVE HIM. LEAVE HIM NOW!

 

Staying with this idiot will not make you happy and he doesn't love you.

 

My mother was very slim when she met my father - she is now clinically obese and even though my dad would gently try to get her to lose weight she never did. Stuck in a cycle of over-eating and whatever. She'd do a little exercise but ate to feed her emtions - be they contentment or hurt.

 

He died last year and loved her every bit as much as the day they married. Love doesn't change when a person's weight does. And if it does change, it isn't love.

 

Your boyfriend is an idiot and you deserve better. Walk away and find a life with someone who deserves you.

 

And i agree with everything you are saying. I used to be 210lbs and am now 140 lbs (at one point though i got down to 98lbs as i ended up going to extremes and couldn't stop dieting). I like who i am and i prefer being me with meat on the bones to being so skinny your bones protrude and your breasts disappear.

 

Be proud of who you are and ditch the loser.

[slinkysu]

I think there's probably a happy medium somewhere between obese and rail thin. It appears you've found that happy medium. Good for you! I agree her husband is acting like a jerk. I do, however, believe people have the right to their feelings. I have to tell you, I do NOT feel turned on by a guy who has a big ol' belly.

 

Of course you have a right to your feelings. You don't have to be turned on by someone with a big old belly. But after 34 years of marriage i just think my parents love was deeper than skin deep and my father still had all the love and contentment he could wish for in my mother, regardless of her size.

 

I worry about her size. I worry that she will have a heart attack and die early with all the weight she carries. But she is the only one who can lose weight and if she wanted to i guess she would. It didn't stop her being a loving wife and it didn't stop my father being loving towards her.

[catgirl1927]

I haven't really seen any spouse post on here that they stopped loving their husband or wife because of their weight. They might not find the fat attractive, and it might make them not want to have sex with them. They might resent it if their spouse was too lazy to do anything about it and said, hey, screw you, I don't care about your feelings, you're a shallow piece of s*** if you are visual at all. They might resent the attitude, not the weight.

 

What blows me away is when you tell someone they are overweight and it's dangerous and they need to lose weight for their health, people on here say, that's just an excuse, you shallow bitch, there's nothing unhealthy about being overweight. It is really possible that people are that ignorant? "Don't disguise it as health concerns!" That's just an excuse to not try. It's attitudes like that that lead to being overweight.

[lonepearl]

The person who is fat is readily condemned as someone who is obviously lazy etc. However, that is not always the case. While I am not making an excuse for being fat, I feel that support is important.

If you still view yourself as an individual completely and say "bugger thi. shes fat and im out cuz i aint attracted no more!" then i think you deserve something worse than her anyway.

 

LOVE is why you are going out...yes physical, mental and spiritual attraction is PART of that love package.. but PART is the key word. When a man just dishes out the PART as if it was the WHOLE foundation of the relationship with the way he words what he has to say, then there is a problem. Then the WEIGHT is no longer the issue even for the FAT woman. It is the betrayal, the message that they never cared from day one and thought "oh great. i am stuck with this." or have that mighty attitude of "im doing her such a huuuge favour even though my mates tell me i deserve better" that needs to change.

 

If you love someone, you should be willing to work it out together. how about "darling i love and i NEED you to know that. i love you unconditionally and in everyway possible. I am mentally attracted to you, but physically there are a few things that bother me. But don't worry dear, they are small even though important things, we can work it out ogether. there is nothing we cant work out together."

 

wow. if a man said that to me i would walk to the end of the world for him! but no. it never is that way is it. its always harsh blunt and clean cut selfish. YOU DO THIS OR I LEAVE.

 

to tell me straight and harsh is interpreted by me as no love or respect for me and you being selfish. i am a being too. like i said...my belly is a physical part.

i find it amusing and somewhat frustrating when people compare a relationship with a woman with having a car. the guy somewhere who said when you buy a specific type of car you dont expect it to change. well guess what, the car wont feel bad and die on the inside when you dump it for a diff model...what a comparison! comparing a being with feelings with an object of desire and a possession. i wonder if your idea of love isnt screwed to begin with!

 

maybe i am different. for me, love and sexual attraction are coupled. when i met him i was attracted to him and fell for him. the attraction was complete. i cannot break it up into parts. when i look at him naked or clothed, i am attracted to him not because of his body parts but because i love him... being in love is my greatest turn on. maybe that is why it is hard for me to understand love fading and being so fickle based on physical. and this isnt because i am not thin. i have been thin, been the hottest girl at uni and wanted by everyone to being obese and losing friends because i was fat. i have seen the whole spectrum. guys being so curtious and going out of their way when you are slim and the same men shirk you and make jokes about you as you pass and call you a fat bitch or fat chick and snigger behind your back.

 

am i not human? do i not feel breath and eat just like a slim girl? i hate the whole image of fat people shown on tv stuffing their faces with pastry and sweet foods and people get grossed out...and when they show a slim woman pigging out.. the hero falls even deeper for her as she has such a healthy appetite and it gets everyone going "awww so cute seeing a babe enjoy her triple cheese pizza"

 

i dont eat sweet s***. i hate sugar. i eat fruit and raw veges all day. i might have one square meal with less than a teaspoon of fat, plenty of veges and meat only every second day. i drink plenty of water. i work out as i am on a farm and walk around all day. AND yet i gain weight. i could breath air and gain weight. while my partners best friends HOT BABE girlfriend eats burgers, pizzas and pasta most days at least once and drinks alcohol every night almost and she is skinny as. she has no personality, no job, dumb as a doorknob - no dummer actually - but hey shes a babe. even my partner ends up defending her if theres a fight or discussion. yet no one would jump to defend an arguement when a fat girl is involved. its the attitude that gets drummed into us everyday.

 

and then your love comes home and says the words harshly. sure for some its well she needed to hear it harshly as shes bein a lazy dumbass. but you dont realise that you have just betrayed her at the level where it tears her apart. shes had it bashed into her full time through media, books, people, their staring eyes and attituds all day and then she came to her safe haven for this. no hi honey i love you. let me massage your back. SLAM> straight out. You are fat and its repulsive and my libido is suffering and im gonna leave me thinks. well up yours i say! why should i be motivated to do anything for you?! and no it is not an exucse WE fat lazy people make!

 

you know as twisted as it sounds when i was younger, i got so tired of people giving me attnetion but still not itnerested in the real me (when i was slim and HOT) i decided to gain weight... so that when someone really wanted to be my friend i would know they really liked me. but that landed me worse into depression.. ebcause when i gained weight.. i found myself alone. and then my partner came along...he even kissed my little belly (was a little ponch not too ugly and big) and said i will love every bit of you, even the poinch. and i cried...with relief to be .. loved. for me. i was so sure i found the one.

 

its not me only that has changed....the eyes he saw me with have changed too. so many more demands. so much pressure to be looking like something. otherwise its embarrasing infront of friends...who think surely you can do better mate...

 

the whole issue re weight.. like i said..isnt just about WEIGHT. its about attitudes and really evaluating what you are in the relationship for, how you see and react, what your real feelings are about each other. it is about making choices and decisions either for yourself or for the "us"....

 

... meanwhile i continue to lose weight for.. "us" and no i am not exercising nor getting my lazy ass into gear... just trying hard despite all to not be depressed and stressed...and the weights falling off itself. at 67kgs im 25 kgs less than i was within 3 months or less! another 10 to go and i will be back to what i used to be for my height.

and then i will be attractive physically to someone who sees that as the whole part..sigh. new stresses already in site!

just like there is a middle weight to be at...surely there is a middle guy...who doesnt like skinny or fat...but is happy with what he has....*daydreaming again*

p.s. oh yes and yet when we point out anything re the guy and his harshness.."but thats who i am. live with it"

[lonepearl]

... to be honest i could say it doesn't matter or give you a figure..but it would be an assumption at this point. For me, honestly weight, looks, and generally all things physical have never mattered. I don't know why. Perhaps i have a chip missing in my programming? Or is it that i view myself as the ugliest thing on the planet and so i KNOW everytthing i encounter has something beautiful about it? I see people and i see genuine beauty in everyone and everything. I have grown up being called weird for that all my life.

 

e.g. Once someone pointed out a lady at a bar and said "what do you think about her" and i said...let me look, and turned and honestly said she has the most beautiful eyes and smile i have ever seen and actually went up and complimented her...and my friends laffed and mocked me...as they asked me..shes huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge and so fat..surely you noticed..and i am being honest, i didn't! it never occured to me! I know something is wrong with me i guess. I don't know how i would react to being with a 'fat' person as a partner. But i do know this - that if they are my partner, then i definitely am in love with them.. and that means for me automatically i would love everybit of them - as physical attraction, mental attraction and spiritual attraction are mandatory to be in love for me. when love will go, then all attractions will disappear to reveal the reality of the 'ugly' person i am with - be if fatness, retardness or other! for me the attractions can never go as long as love is there... i guess it is a bit topsy turvy than most people as i have been told. e.g. for me fat will become the ideal beautiful shape i love if the person i am in love with is fat. rather than i love them and part of it is because they are slim and i am attracted to slim...does that make sense?

 

odd i know but that is how my brain works. Maybe i need medication to 'normalise' me?? who knows!

 

As for what is the right weight for anyone - I think one should be the weight they are most comfortable at, and most importantly HAPPY at. not the weight others are happy with...the weight that makes you happy about life and yourself. And if your happiness is dependent upon others being happy with you, then that is another thing - then you have to be the weight, size, shape, height etc. that others want you to be to be happy in turn making you happy. also at a social level the acceptable weight changes as fashion, fads and how men mould marketing globally to set the accepted def. of BEAUTY for a woman. someone who is volutuous today is fat tomorrow while someone anorexic today is the perfect healthy and beautiful queen of the same day! SO the real issue is... not weight alone.. but the complex social system's perception of it as well. once we can become aware of our own mental models and way of thinking and perceiving, then and then only can we bring about change not only in our own way of thinking and lives, but of those around us. how can we expect e.g. our partner to understand quickly and change, when we ourselves do not fully understand what we are asking for....and how can we be tactful too if we have no idea of the social context of the issue, its effects thus far on the individual to be 'tactfully' approached with and the mental model of the individual in terms of perception of your 'tactful' approach. i babble once again. sorry! complexity sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...as shrek and the donkey were conversing - donkeys (life, me, you, human behaviour) are like onions....ya peel away until u iz at the centre and ya cry and cry all the way to the centre - to finally find - nothing! (and yet you learnt and became more aware through the journey)

 

But that attitude / predisposition towards life and its outlook is very personal - neither ways are wrong or correct or better over the other. For me, happiness is about me and not dependent on others BUT it saddens me when others are unhappy with who and what i am and have a problem accepting me as i am esp. those who i love. so begins the battle.. to stay happy...and yet be burdened by the grief of those around...yes for love one should want to give what they want - but then by the same token, if they love me, should they not accept me as i am and take what i give??

 

i guess i have been accused of having an idealistic view of love all my life and been made fun of and frustrated people with it. However, for me the truth is simple - an ideal if lived by even one person is not an ideal anymore, but reality and truth - at least for that one being. ALbeit, i live the life and definition of love i believe in - thus making it not an idealistic view for me but my reality. to an outsider it may be a lofty dream or an ideal.. but that does not make it an ideal for me ... BUT BUT it makes neither of us wrong or right with our choices

 

what I am trying to say with my earlier message is.. any given relationship surely has to have more complexity to it than just WEIGHT or a PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTE...and if it does, surely the whole structure should not collapse with just one bit being out of place...

 

Also, i was addressing readers in general rather than the circumstance of the original author sorry I did read and see he tried tactfully.. however, reviewing what he may consider 'tactful' is up to him after reading what all of us have to say ...

 

...as one of the famous quotes i use when i do team building training and actually love -

 

IDIOT - definition - the person who keeps executing the same activity the same old tired way over and over again and expects different results ...

 

more later. partners home

[johnlucas]

I'm gonna come here with an alternate viewpoint countering what most people have said here.

 

Getting fat ISN'T NECESSARILY getting unhealthy.

You can be unhealthy & slim as well.

Fat has nothing to do with health I don't give a D*MN what those doctors say.

And just in case you're wondering I'm 6 foot tall, 145 pounds. A twig.

So don't think these are words from an offended fat person.

 

With that being said in this man's marriage his wife's weight is a problem for him. It's nothing wrong with his viewpoint. Some people don't like fat bodies. Some people do.

 

As someone else pointed out his wife will age & her attractiveness will decrease as she looks less & less like the woman he married.

She will wrinkle. She will turn gray. She will sag. To what degree depends on lifestresses & genetics but it will happen & he won't like it then either.

(some people DO like women with age however so to some it may be MORE of an attraction)

 

So he's really at a crossroads.

He doesn't find his wife attractive anymore so he only has two options.

 

1) Level with her & encourage her to lose weight hoping she will comply (there IS no tactful way of saying this really)

 

2) Divorce his wife because she will only continue in the direction she's going.

 

This is the problem with not realizing that figures change over time. People want a cryogenic body that never changes. And that's just not natural. Some people age more gracefully than others but in the end we all mutate.

Women get fatter easier than men because they hold more fat then men. Pregnancy is a surefire way of getting fat for women. So you can't really expect someone to stay exactly the same throughout life. At the very least they will get slightly flabby in the belly or on the arms. And many times the butt will spread.

Only some people are naturally slim throughout life.

 

And to that fact I ask about you—the husband, IrishRod.

What about you going bald? What about your eventual problems with erections? What about your gray hairs? What about the hairs growing in your nose & ears? What about your paunchy belly? What about your aging skin?

 

Does she have the same rights as you to feel repulsed when YOU transform? All the exercise in the world won't solve ALL the problems with aging.

 

People here calling fat people unattractive/lazy/etc. are wrong.

There's a signifcant section of society that consider fat women & fat men HIGHLY attractive. And we're not talking 200 pounds fat which is really more "chubby". We're talking about 300 pound, 400 pound, 500 pound, 600 pound people.

 

If you don't believe it, here's a link to a site celebrating large beauty.

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/

And the site's forum.

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/index.php

 

The women are called BBW's Big Beautiful Women

And the men are called BHM's Big Handsome Men

They are sex symbols here. Lusted after & worshipped.

 

I'm not going to get into the large number of pornographic/erotica sites there highlighting this body form.

It is a fat acceptance movement that is very strong & on the verge of becoming mainline.

There is NOTHING wrong with being fat contrary to current popular opinion.

 

If your wife is destroyed by your comments toward her about her weight (which she most probably will be), at LEAST show her this site & the links I put up. So she won't feel undesirable when her husband lets her down.

 

This may be an impasse for you, IrishRod.

Either she tries to lose the weight for you or basically your relationship is over.

 

If option #2 takes place, let her know that even IF *YOU* don't find her attractive that doesn't mean she isn't attractive & let her find the doorway to the fat acceptance movement where in her new form as BBW she will desired & accepted.

 

IrishRod, you have every right to feel as you do. Body size is important to you. But make sure that you let your wife know that she isn't worthless & undesirable just because her weight turns you off.

Let her see these sites.

 

Good luck to you.

And enough with the fat people bashing everybody.

 

Words from a skinny man,

John Lucas

[lonepearl]

I'm gonna come here with an alternate viewpoint countering what most people have said here.

 

Getting fat ISN'T NECESSARILY getting unhealthy.

You can be unhealthy & slim as well.

Fat has nothing to do with health I don't give a D*MN what those doctors say.

And just in case you're wondering I'm 6 foot tall, 145 pounds. A twig.

So don't think these are words from an offended fat person.

 

With that being said in this man's marriage his wife's weight is a problem for him. It's nothing wrong with his viewpoint. Some people don't like fat bodies. Some people do.

 

As someone else pointed out his wife will age & her attractiveness will decrease as she looks less & less like the woman he married.

She will wrinkle. She will turn gray. She will sag. To what degree depends on lifestresses & genetics but it will happen & he won't like it then either.

(some people DO like women with age however so to some it may be MORE of an attraction)

 

So he's really at a crossroads.

He doesn't find his wife attractive anymore so he only has two options.

 

1) Level with her & encourage her to lose weight hoping she will comply (there IS no tactful way of saying this really)

 

2) Divorce his wife because she will only continue in the direction she's going.

 

This is the problem with not realizing that figures change over time. People want a cryogenic body that never changes. And that's just not natural. Some people age more gracefully than others but in the end we all mutate.

Women get fatter easier than men because they hold more fat then men. Pregnancy is a surefire way of getting fat for women. So you can't really expect someone to stay exactly the same throughout life. At the very least they will get slightly flabby in the belly or on the arms. And many times the butt will spread.

Only some people are naturally slim throughout life.

 

And to that fact I ask about you—the husband, IrishRod.

What about you going bald? What about your eventual problems with erections? What about your gray hairs? What about the hairs growing in your nose & ears? What about your paunchy belly? What about your aging skin?

 

Does she have the same rights as you to feel repulsed when YOU transform? All the exercise in the world won't solve ALL the problems with aging.

 

People here calling fat people unattractive/lazy/etc. are wrong.

There's a signifcant section of society that consider fat women & fat men HIGHLY attractive. And we're not talking 200 pounds fat which is really more "chubby". We're talking about 300 pound, 400 pound, 500 pound, 600 pound people.

 

If you don't believe it, here's a link to a site celebrating large beauty.

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/

And the site's forum.

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/index.php

 

The women are called BBW's Big Beautiful Women

And the men are called BHM's Big Handsome Men

They are sex symbols here. Lusted after & worshipped.

 

I'm not going to get into the large number of pornographic/erotica sites there highlighting this body form.

It is a fat acceptance movement that is very strong & on the verge of becoming mainline.

There is NOTHING wrong with being fat contrary to current popular opinion.

 

If your wife is destroyed by your comments toward her about her weight (which she most probably will be), at LEAST show her this site & the links I put up. So she won't feel undesirable when her husband lets her down.

 

This may be an impasse for you, IrishRod.

Either she tries to lose the weight for you or basically your relationship is over.

 

If option #2 takes place, let her know that even IF *YOU* don't find her attractive that doesn't mean she isn't attractive & let her find the doorway to the fat acceptance movement where in her new form as BBW she will desired & accepted.

 

IrishRod, you have every right to feel as you do. Body size is important to you. But make sure that you let your wife know that she isn't worthless & undesirable just because her weight turns you off.

Let her see these sites.

 

Good luck to you.

And enough with the fat people bashing everybody.

 

Words from a skinny man,

John Lucas

funny. i came on to say the same thing actually. That how many of these men have looked at their bald heads, pimply faces or the rest. just because they are not fat, they think they are ok and the woman is slacking. or all those women who think they like thin men.

e.g. my man stays thin not because he actually looks after himself because he wants to stay the best for me...even if he says it. his genetic makeup is like my father. he eats kilos of bags of lollies per week, no exercise routine, eats pies, fat s*** everything - but stays a twig. HOW fair is that?! i eat no butter, no toasts, very less carbs in a week (small portions such as 5 pieces of pasta in 1 meal at lunch) and lots of fruits and raw veges all day! and health isnt about slim or fat.

 

my father is slim and is unhealthy and has had a quadruple bypass!

 

it boils down once again to 'eyes of the beholder' , the attitudes and mental models that predispose our desires in life..and how we impose them on others and make them feel with them. rather than discover ourselves and our rationales we get frustrated with others not understanding or caring.

 

And the whole pressure of..wll when i met you you were right...and i loved you the woman you were..and now you have let it slip and are unattractive. well ghuess what i will be growing old too and it wont be easy to keep it all the same ever! i actually talked to him about that...and ended with the fact that i am waiting for the day he goes bald and puts on a ponch so that i can make him feel as hurt and ugly and rejected and stabbed repeatedly as i do...

 

...anyway, you said all i had to say. i was gonna bring up the BBWs as there was a show about them on tv just the other day.

 

love is blind..yeah frikking right!

[lonepearl]

Part of what attracts you to a person just might be that they care about being healthy and fit; that they possess the self control to maintain their health and looks to the best of their ability (these people that say they put on 50 lbs because they're older and their bodies just have to be that way - BS!); that they care whether their looks appeal to you or not. Do you let your hair get all funky, or do you keep it trimmed and conditioned? Do you wear wrinkled clothes or do you like them to look good? When the OP met his wife, she wasn't fat. She let herself go, physically and aesthetically (to him-the one who matters to her [or should]), and doesn't care whether he cares or not. You brought up the "magazines are telling us what to like" argument. I don't think he's asking her to be a Barbie doll, but she could at least make some kind of effort. I've pretty much had the same aesthetic taste in men all my life. There's no magazine in the world that's gonna change my views on that!

i agree she can make an effort..but..my point is that is weight evrything and the only thing a woman has to her personality? how many times does one praise their wife for all the things good about her explicitly?

i do not know him nor his wife in real..so who knows what REALLY has been said and done...

 

and i do disagree with a few things you have to say...

 

1. a person can care about being healthy and fit and still gain weight. i have said it time and again - i work out, am physically active, eat raw veges and fruits most day and one small portion with the right amount of lean meat, carbs and veges again. i am not into sweet s*** never was, havent had bread for like ever (might have one slice in 6 mths or so), no butter, no nothing. and yet i gained weight. i tried losing non stop but nothing worked. and yet i was treated like s*** through it.. is that fair you say?

 

2. letting one slip as you said - like i said, my partner does not care what he eats but stays slim.. so he cant be accused of 'letting it slip'.. but is that fair?

 

3. does her husband work out and eat diff to her or does he manage his weight because hes built that way? we need to explore before just dishing out dirt on the poor wife.

 

4. has anyone asked whether she has depression or has any issues that are causing the depression? NO! just lets all pass judgement and call her a useless piece of s*** making excuses for her patheitc existance as a fat s***hole shall we. thats real fair isn't it?!

 

5. did anyone bother to ask, hey hubby what are the things you DO like about her...just like he can LOVE her but not be attracted to her.. she can LET HERSELF SLIP and yet love him back equally...how dare we accuse her of slipping ebcause she does not care and love???

 

6. is everyone perfect in every aspect of their lives? and is it fair to accuse someone of the extreme of not loving and caring because they are not 100% in ONE FRIKKING aspect of their life??

 

7. once again, yes she was thin when he met her. she was younger as well. and where does it stop. yes she can give him ONE thing..but where will it stop?????? then it will be your boobs arent big enough. yourre still not thin enough. what about when your hair fall out? will you growq new ones too? and i dont like old men so can you please stay young.. cuz the day i met you, you were young and i am not attracted to you anymore. where does this nonsense stop! i am not saying STAY FAT...i think you are trying to not understand what i am saying .. i am saying.. put it in the right context, dont judge, explore, become aware....rediscover your WIFE again..and see ... what is it that you BOTH want...

 

"Do you let your hair get all funky, or do you keep it trimmed and conditioned?:

I LET IT GET FUNKY NEVER TRIM OR CONDITION. I GO TO THE BARBER AND GET A NUMBER 2 SHAVE IF I FEEL LIKE IT

 

"Do you wear wrinkled clothes or do you like them to look good?"

I WEAR CLOTHES WITH HOLES, NEVER IRON AND WEAR WHAT I AM COMFY IN. IN FACT AS A BUSINESS CONSULTANT..I GO TO WORK IN JEANS AND T SHIRT AND THE FIRST THING I TELL MY CLIENT IS THAT MY WORK SHALL BE MY PROOF OF QUALITY, NOT MY 300$ SUITE AND IF THEY HAVE A PROB WITH IT, I DONT WANNA WORK FOR THEM. TO DATE, NO CLIENT HAS EVER TURNED ME DOWN..AND LOVED MY WORK TO THE POINT OF EACH ONE ASKING ME TOW ORK FOR THEM FULLTIME. I ALSO HAVE NEVER HAD TO ADVERTISE FOR MY WORK..WORD OF MOUTH GETS ME THERE....CLOTHES ARE IMMATERIAL. TALENT IS EVERYTHING. YOU EITHER CAN DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE OR YOU CANT. WHEN YOU CANT, THAT IS WHEN YOU FILL THE EMPTINESS WITH IDLE THOUGHTS RE LOOKS (UNLESS YOU ARE A MODEL ETC. WHERE IT IS PART OF YOUR JOB TO LOOK GOOD)

 

"When the OP met his wife, she wasn't fat. She let herself go, physically and aesthetically (to him-the one who matters to her [or should]), and doesn't care whether he cares or not."

WE ONLY HAVE HIS WORD FOR IT. WHO KNOWS WHAT EMOTIONAL OUTBURST HAPPENED BETWEEN HUBBY AND WIFE AND SHE GOT ANGRY AND SAID WORDS SHE DIDNT MEAN. WE ALL DO THAT. SO IT DOESNT HELP HIM NOR HER JUST SAYING SHES s*** AND ALL THAT DOES IT? CONSTRUCTIVE ? - HARDLY!

 

"You brought up the "magazines are telling us what to like" argument. I don't think he's asking her to be a Barbie doll, but she could at least make some kind of effort."

MY ARGUEMENT IS HE CAN MAKE AN EFFORT TO BE ATTRACTED TO WHAT HE HAS NOT WHAT HE HADDDDD. WHY MUST SHE BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE CHANGES ONLY TO SHOW SHE CARES. HOW ABOUT HE SHOW HE LOVES HER DEEPLY BY ACTUALLY BEING ATTRACTED TO WHAT IS INFRONT OF HIM - THE SAME PERSON HE FELL IN LOVE WITH?????

 

"I've pretty much had the same aesthetic taste in men all my life."

I HAVE NEVER HAD AN AESTHETIC TASTE IN MEN BASED ON LOOKS. SO NOT ALL OF US ARE THE SAME?

 

No one has to change their views on anything and yet you are forcing him and his wife to believe that what she is doing is WRONG WRONG WRONG?

 

nice one

[lonepearl]

where is HE?

id rather hear the whole truth - your 50% of it from you anyway and then the story is still not compelte without your wife's 50%...and her reasons for what and who she choses to be....

 

i hate it when people give advice based on incomplete stories. thats why government departments and silly organisations fall apart as systems too...always working impulsively on little info and already jumping before analysing and quetioning further... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[reddog63]

I haven't really seen any spouse post on here that they stopped loving their husband or wife because of their weight. They might not find the fat attractive, and it might make them not want to have sex with them. They might resent it if their spouse was too lazy to do anything about it and said, hey, screw you, I don't care about your feelings, you're a shallow piece of s*** if you are visual at all. They might resent the attitude, not the weight.

 

What blows me away is when you tell someone they are overweight and it's dangerous and they need to lose weight for their health, people on here say, that's just an excuse, you shallow bitch, there's nothing unhealthy about being overweight. It is really possible that people are that ignorant? "Don't disguise it as health concerns!" That's just an excuse to not try. It's attitudes like that that lead to being overweight.

 

Well written!!!!!!

[reddog63]

i agree she can make an effort..but..my point is that is weight evrything and the only thing a woman has to her personality? how many times does one praise their wife for all the things good about her explicitly?

i do not know him nor his wife in real..so who knows what REALLY has been said and done...

 

and i do disagree with a few things you have to say...

 

1. a person can care about being healthy and fit and still gain weight. i have said it time and again - i work out, am physically active, eat raw veges and fruits most day and one small portion with the right amount of lean meat, carbs and veges again. i am not into sweet s*** never was, havent had bread for like ever (might have one slice in 6 mths or so), no butter, no nothing. and yet i gained weight. i tried losing non stop but nothing worked. and yet i was treated like s*** through it.. is that fair you say?

 

2. letting one slip as you said - like i said, my partner does not care what he eats but stays slim.. so he cant be accused of 'letting it slip'.. but is that fair?

 

3. does her husband work out and eat diff to her or does he manage his weight because hes built that way? we need to explore before just dishing out dirt on the poor wife.

 

4. has anyone asked whether she has depression or has any issues that are causing the depression? NO! just lets all pass judgement and call her a useless piece of s*** making excuses for her patheitc existance as a fat s***hole shall we. thats real fair isn't it?!

 

5. did anyone bother to ask, hey hubby what are the things you DO like about her...just like he can LOVE her but not be attracted to her.. she can LET HERSELF SLIP and yet love him back equally...how dare we accuse her of slipping ebcause she does not care and love???

 

6. is everyone perfect in every aspect of their lives? and is it fair to accuse someone of the extreme of not loving and caring because they are not 100% in ONE FRIKKING aspect of their life??

 

7. once again, yes she was thin when he met her. she was younger as well. and where does it stop. yes she can give him ONE thing..but where will it stop?????? then it will be your boobs arent big enough. yourre still not thin enough. what about when your hair fall out? will you growq new ones too? and i dont like old men so can you please stay young.. cuz the day i met you, you were young and i am not attracted to you anymore. where does this nonsense stop! i am not saying STAY FAT...i think you are trying to not understand what i am saying .. i am saying.. put it in the right context, dont judge, explore, become aware....rediscover your WIFE again..and see ... what is it that you BOTH want...

 

"Do you let your hair get all funky, or do you keep it trimmed and conditioned?:

I LET IT GET FUNKY NEVER TRIM OR CONDITION. I GO TO THE BARBER AND GET A NUMBER 2 SHAVE IF I FEEL LIKE IT

 

"Do you wear wrinkled clothes or do you like them to look good?"

I WEAR CLOTHES WITH HOLES, NEVER IRON AND WEAR WHAT I AM COMFY IN. IN FACT AS A BUSINESS CONSULTANT..I GO TO WORK IN JEANS AND T SHIRT AND THE FIRST THING I TELL MY CLIENT IS THAT MY WORK SHALL BE MY PROOF OF QUALITY, NOT MY 300$ SUITE AND IF THEY HAVE A PROB WITH IT, I DONT WANNA WORK FOR THEM. TO DATE, NO CLIENT HAS EVER TURNED ME DOWN..AND LOVED MY WORK TO THE POINT OF EACH ONE ASKING ME TOW ORK FOR THEM FULLTIME. I ALSO HAVE NEVER HAD TO ADVERTISE FOR MY WORK..WORD OF MOUTH GETS ME THERE....CLOTHES ARE IMMATERIAL. TALENT IS EVERYTHING. YOU EITHER CAN DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE OR YOU CANT. WHEN YOU CANT, THAT IS WHEN YOU FILL THE EMPTINESS WITH IDLE THOUGHTS RE LOOKS (UNLESS YOU ARE A MODEL ETC. WHERE IT IS PART OF YOUR JOB TO LOOK GOOD)

 

"When the OP met his wife, she wasn't fat. She let herself go, physically and aesthetically (to him-the one who matters to her [or should]), and doesn't care whether he cares or not."

WE ONLY HAVE HIS WORD FOR IT. WHO KNOWS WHAT EMOTIONAL OUTBURST HAPPENED BETWEEN HUBBY AND WIFE AND SHE GOT ANGRY AND SAID WORDS SHE DIDNT MEAN. WE ALL DO THAT. SO IT DOESNT HELP HIM NOR HER JUST SAYING SHES s*** AND ALL THAT DOES IT? CONSTRUCTIVE ? - HARDLY!

 

"You brought up the "magazines are telling us what to like" argument. I don't think he's asking her to be a Barbie doll, but she could at least make some kind of effort."

MY ARGUEMENT IS HE CAN MAKE AN EFFORT TO BE ATTRACTED TO WHAT HE HAS NOT WHAT HE HADDDDD. WHY MUST SHE BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE CHANGES ONLY TO SHOW SHE CARES. HOW ABOUT HE SHOW HE LOVES HER DEEPLY BY ACTUALLY BEING ATTRACTED TO WHAT IS INFRONT OF HIM - THE SAME PERSON HE FELL IN LOVE WITH?????

 

"I've pretty much had the same aesthetic taste in men all my life."

I HAVE NEVER HAD AN AESTHETIC TASTE IN MEN BASED ON LOOKS. SO NOT ALL OF US ARE THE SAME?

 

No one has to change their views on anything and yet you are forcing him and his wife to believe that what she is doing is WRONG WRONG WRONG?

 

nice one

 

 

 

As far as I know.............it is still calories in verse calories out. Has the law of physics changed???

 

 

You just can not argue with people like above. But I tell you what......find what are her top needs are.............hmmmm.......say it is financial. Let her husband over many years, spend it carelessly. Maybe gamble a little. Have him make excuses over the years, watch her savings dwindle. Then come back on here and let people tell you that you are shallow for wanting him to stop.

 

You see Lonepearl.........everyone has different "needs"...........I gaurantee there is some "NEED" you have that if you did not get, over time, you would build resentment too. You may look elsewhere.

 

Why is this subject not clear to you??? Bottom line..........YOU IGNORE YOUR SPOUSE'S NEEDS LONG ENOUGH, THEY MAY LEAVE. It is that simple!

[lonepearl]

As far as I know.............it is still calories in verse calories out. Has the law of physics changed???

 

 

You just can not argue with people like above. But I tell you what......find what are her top needs are.............hmmmm.......say it is financial. Let her husband over many years, spend it carelessly. Maybe gamble a little. Have him make excuses over the years, watch her savings dwindle. Then come back on here and let people tell you that you are shallow for wanting him to stop.

 

You see Lonepearl.........everyone has different "needs"...........I gaurantee there is some "NEED" you have that if you did not get, over time, you would build resentment too. You may look elsewhere.

 

Why is this subject not clear to you??? Bottom line..........YOU IGNORE YOUR SPOUSE'S NEEDS LONG ENOUGH, THEY MAY LEAVE. It is that simple!

"As far as I know.............it is still calories in verse calories out. Has the law of physics changed???"

 

Well sweety it isn't just about calories in and out simply - it is about whether your metabolism e.g. like mine is f**ked and stopped working completely and not because of lack of exercise but because of other health abnormalities that happened... wish life was simple that every fat person was fat just cause the ate fate cakes all day ..and also, e.g. like my partner and dad whose metabolism works overtime, if they dont eat even one meal they start to go blue and pass out!... so they have to eat all kinds of rubbish to even maintain the skinny frame they have

 

 

"You just can not argue with people like above."

 

Sorry to see that you see me arguing but i thought it was a chain of discussion where one was allowed to disagree and share their viewpoint. sorry. will stop posting after this permanently happy?

 

"But I tell you what......find what are her top needs are.............hmmmm.......say it is financial. Let her husband over many years, spend it carelessly. Maybe gamble a little. Have him make excuses over the years, watch her savings dwindle. Then come back on here and let people tell you that you are shallow for wanting him to stop."

 

firstly, if my top need wasn't met i would let my partner know..but before that i will evaluate if it really is my top need or my pride that is getting in the way and is there no room for collaboration (rather than compromise)? then i would sit with him and talk about it and talk about how it is affecting me and then ask for his view on things, what he feels or sees and what might be holding him back...and work on BOTH of us...if WE decided we wanted it for the sake of the relationship (not for the sake of love..because love never falters because of NEEDS but attractions/bonds do...). also, i never said OM is shallow? i think you all need to read my first posting on here...and my responses are in light of that...MY EXPERIENCE and story...not OMs...but asking OM if there are any parallels he can draw..and yet yourself luvmy2ns are adament i am the one needing to read...sigh...

 

"You see Lonepearl.........everyone has different "needs"...........I gaurantee there is some "NEED" you have that if you did not get, over time, you would build resentment too. You may look elsewhere."

 

firstly, i would never look elsewhere while in a relationship. i would look for help withint hat relationship...because i believe if two people love each other there is no way one can deprive the other of a NEED....like i have said before there is no way OMs wife should logically want to deny him his NEED if she loves him...but like my other posting said...sometimes we do not realise it but we continue to execute "talks" the same old way over and over and expect diff results. e.g. if OM talked to her once in say WAY 1...and it didnt work. do you think he should analyse and see what didnt work and change his way for next try or continue with the same way? because we are humans - fat or skinny - we get defensive on things and reject the actual information if we feel we arebeing attacked about something... thats all i said. about resentment...i guess i have learnt that you never get everything you want in life..so i have learnt to be happy with what i have (not including abuse etc.)...so to get me into a cycle of resentment is pretty hard and even if my hubby wud get into gambling - i wud question what made him get into it..rather than start moaning about making him stop... i have worked as a regional project manager for problem gambling actually so know that there are underlying issues to be addressed with a problem gambler and it is empathy they need not sympathy and labelling as a loser

 

"Why is this subject not clear to you??? Bottom line..........YOU IGNORE YOUR SPOUSE'S NEEDS LONG ENOUGH, THEY MAY LEAVE. It is that simple!"

 

i never agrued with the point above? i am merely saying to stop at that in your mind "he/she is not meeting my needs. im gone" is dangerous. explore. become aware...? is that subject somewhat clear to you ? have i met her/his needs? could there be some needs i am not meeting? perhaps i should ask her. does she/he even know what their needs are? do we need external intervnetion or books or something? do we both want to be with each and love each other? if so, then lets make a plan together

 

i think we have started on a wrong foot... please , like i said..do not judge before knowing everything ... become aware...first. and dow aht it takes to become fully aware prior...to any action.

 

i shall be off and leave you guys be. sorry for my stupid listings. i guess i have been 53Kgs (multiply by 2.2 to get pounds) 32-24-34 and i have been 92 kgs at 40+ everywhere hahaha and then now back to 65 kgs and curvy again... and i am just saying...that none of the gain was due to eating or disrespect to my partner..and my partner put me through a lot of s***...and i am saying that when one hears one sided stories, there is a danger of passing judgements that are not correct...because i ams ure when he talked to his friends they thought i was the loser and not giving him his needs and not caring, while my friendds thought he was the bad one....but the real truth was only known to us..and WE needed to sort it out rather than talk to everyone else but never really CORRECTLY to each other...

 

adios!