#$*&!!!! He sucked me in!

[Sami_D]

And he obviously knew where I live, which is where he would normally appear if I tried to ignore him...

 

Does he still know your address, abroad?

 

And... jessie... been meaning to ask you this... He tells you he has told his wife? How did she react? What is happening now?

[Jessie61]

Does he still know your address, abroad?

 

And... jessie... been meaning to ask you this... He tells you he has told his wife? How did she react? What is happening now?

 

What happened when he told her? Well, she ignored it at first. Treated it like it was just him being depressed, because she said that he should see his doctor. He has repeated the same message, i.e that he does not love her anymore and hasn't loved her for years, but she then says "just try"... I think the penny is dropping, though....

 

Yes, I know that there will be millions of posters telling me that it is only what he tells me and that I haven't the wife's version. True. But part of me belives him; the deal is that if my battered heart (which does partly believe him) is let down in June, then my cynical head (which does NOT) can smugly take over.....

 

He wants them to discuss and agree terms of the divorce and in particular how to tell the kids, but she is not yet listening; she walks away or sulks or whatever. BUT he has a deadline by which he has to leave the house - agreement or not.

 

He has also spoken to a few friends about this and they support him etc. He's buying a house where he'll live afterwards (granted, no binding contracts yet...!). 6 months ago, he would panic at the drop of a hat about everything - about the W even as much as pouting in a sulk, or the thought that anyone would find out that his M was in trouble, the kids suspecting etc etc - but now he takes everything in his stride. "The next 12 months will be difficult, but living like he has done for the last 10 years for another 30 years is worse". This is what I meant before (if you remember) that I am able to gauge his moods and attitudes while this is going on by not being in NC before the deadline. If I see the same panic appearing, where you'd think that he was about to be hanged everytime we discussed our future, then I am breaking off the whole thing.

 

We'll see what happens.... I am deliberately not getting involved in the nitty gritty of the break up. I have told him that it is HIS responsibility to make sure that he leaves before the deadline. How he does it, is his own business. If he needs advice, I will give him my opinion. But the rest I leave to him. I have done enough already. In the meantime, I am plodding away with my own thing over here. Looking at properties and doing my market research etc... I need to have a very good plan B, if things don't work out as I hope.... I'm terrified about this, but very determined...!!!!

 

How are you, Sami?

[Sami_D]

Well, bollocks to what the others say, Jessie... I am so glad you and your MM seem to be on the right track. Yes, I can see all that 'W ignored it' thing... 2 months ago MM said 'I might as well not be living here' and she said 'the kids would miss you'... amazing how the W can talk around things and pretend they're not happening.

 

Well, I have no input now, into our situation. I can't talk to him about how she is taking it (or even know he has said anything)... it's all in his hands.

 

IF it is even happening... I have no idea. I have spent a while beliveving we're all shot to pieces, because we might be. But maybe we're not. I have no idea. I think it's bloody stupid that I have no idea whether we're on track or not... because at some point possibly I'll get a call saying 'I left her' and I'm supposed to go straight from 'I'ts possible' or 'We're over' to... 'hey... it's happening' ... and that's ok...?

 

SURE it is... sure I'm spending these weeks not knowing where your head and determination is at and trying to arrange my life... do I walk away, wait, wonder.. what..?

 

And then in 2 minutes I'll get a call from you and it will all be some way..? Yes... la la la la la.... yes. My past 2 years will reach a conclusion on that basis.

 

Basically I have to decide... that it's over... and believe that. Don't I?

[zarathustra]

Well, I have no input now, into our situation. I can't talk to him about how she is taking it (or even know he has said anything)... it's all in his hands.

 

Sami, do you feel that you have lost some control when you leave the fate of your relationship in his hands? I know for myself, if in the same situation, I would feel a lot of anxiety even if there's NC.

 

Basically I have to decide... that it's over... and believe that. Don't I?

Tough decision. It takes a while to believe its over. I think when you stop hoping he'll come back, that's when you'll get the closure you need if that's the route you take.

[Sami_D]

Zara, no, I feel totally in control of my life.

 

The fate of our relationship doesn't lie in his hands any more than it has ever done. We are two. I have decided that I won't continue this as an affair. I have ended it on that basis. If he wants to leave his wife and come back and talk to me... THAT is his decision. I will talk to him on that basis. At no point does he have control of what happens. We are two... I have made my decision (no affair) it is up to him to make his decision (married or not?) and then we will talk.

 

So ... I am in control of my life. I don't even have to answer his call, if ever it happens. I told him... I won't be the OW any longer. And we chatted a while and etc... and whatever (you all read) the outcome of which is... I will not be TOW any longer! And... he can do what he likes... and come back to me when he may do that.

 

No, I don't think he is in control. I think I am in control of my life..?

[zarathustra]

Zara, no, I feel totally in control of my life.

 

The fate of our relationship doesn't lie in his hands any more than it has ever done. We are two. I have decided that I won't continue this as an affair. I have ended it on that basis. If he wants to leave his wife and come back and talk to me... THAT is his decision. I will talk to him on that basis. At no point does he have control of what happens. We are two... I have made my decision (no affair) it is up to him to make his decision (married or not?) and then we will talk.

 

So ... I am in control of my life. I don't even have to answer his call, if ever it happens. I told him... I won't be the OW any longer. And we chatted a while and etc... and whatever (you all read) the outcome of which is... I will not be TOW any longer! And... he can do what he likes... and come back to me when he may do that.

 

No, I don't think he is in control. I think I am in control of my life..?

 

Amazing... simply amazing. I wish I were as strong as you are. The only way I was able to take back control was to give up all hope.

[Sami_D]

Amazing... simply amazing. I wish I were as strong as you are. The only way I was able to take back control was to give up all hope.

 

Isn't that what I have done..?

 

That's how I have felt all day... no hope... no problem.

 

I don't want to have hope if pain is all it brings me.

 

What happened today, and why I asked 'anyone here'. My sis in law called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the park, since it was a good day..? And I had to say no, I can't go..I feel s***... and my little niece, who I love to bits, was so sad... but I couldn't do it. And that is how I feel... missing out on the good things in life because I feel like everything is bad, gone to hell, over...

 

I have so little hope. I am ruining my life with this lack of hope.

[zarathustra]

Isn't that what I have done..?

 

That's how I have felt all day... no hope... no problem.

 

I don't want to have hope if pain is all it brings me.

 

What happened today, and why I asked 'anyone here'. My sis in law called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the park, since it was a good day..? And I had to say no, I can't go..I feel s***... and my little niece, who I love to bits, was so sad... but I couldn't do it. And that is how I feel... missing out on the good things in life because I feel like everything is bad, gone to hell, over...

 

I have so little hope. I am ruining my life with this lack of hope.

Oh Sami!!!

 

I meant no hope with the MM, not hope in life. I think that the problem I had yesterday was that when he contacted me, he dropped a glimmer of hope and without my conscious decision I picked it up and then fell down.

 

When I was in my darkest hour, I think that life is such a torture. Why do I have to live if its so painful. But I think that it is the recognition of pain and acknowledgement to yourself that when you find the right love, that you will cherish it that much more.

 

Chin up! Tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

 

 

Sooo... that being said, what are you going to do to move on tomorrow?

 

I'll gladly bend over for a whippin' but you sound like you live too far away.

[Sami_D]

Sooo... that being said, what are you going to do to move on tomorrow?

 

Just continuing with living. Determining that this is about my future... not the past.

 

I am not going back. Despite what people may misunderstand about depression and what I can achieve.

[Jessie61]

Well, bollocks to what the others say, Jessie... I am so glad you and your MM seem to be on the right track. Yes, I can see all that 'W ignored it' thing... 2 months ago MM said 'I might as well not be living here' and she said 'the kids would miss you'... amazing how the W can talk around things and pretend they're not happening.

 

Well, I have no input now, into our situation. I can't talk to him about how she is taking it (or even know he has said anything)... it's all in his hands.

 

IF it is even happening... I have no idea. I have spent a while beliveving we're all shot to pieces, because we might be. But maybe we're not. I have no idea. I think it's bloody stupid that I have no idea whether we're on track or not... because at some point possibly I'll get a call saying 'I left her' and I'm supposed to go straight from 'I'ts possible' or 'We're over' to... 'hey... it's happening' ... and that's ok...?

 

SURE it is... sure I'm spending these weeks not knowing where your head and determination is at and trying to arrange my life... do I walk away, wait, wonder.. what..?

 

And then in 2 minutes I'll get a call from you and it will all be some way..? Yes... la la la la la.... yes. My past 2 years will reach a conclusion on that basis.

 

Basically I have to decide... that it's over... and believe that. Don't I?

 

 

Sami,

 

Well, the right track...? It is hard to be jumping of joy because I have been disappointed in the past, but sometimes I allow myself to be quietly hopeful... MM knows that he has let me down before and accepts that he has done wrong in the past. Now, he goes out of his way to reassure me (or set me up for a BIG fall, says my cynical head!!! ) and he tells me everything that is going on. I know him really well, and I have caught him "fibbing" in the past (I remember exactly EVERYTHING he says... and eventually they trip themselves up! ) But now I think there is a geniuine change in him; he seems very determined. Yes, sad at times about having a failed marriage, but determined...

 

I guess I am quietly hoping for the best, but mentally preparing for the worst???

 

As for you, Sami, I don't envy you. (Yes, I do know very well that I could be joining you in your post-MM/deadline life soon!) But this uncertainty must be such a killer? Not knowing what is happening? If you are going to get that phone call? I really don't know what to say. Personally, I am a "guilliotine" person; cut all bonds with one sharp cut and then kill off all hope and move on. It is very very very harsh, but the only thing that works for me because if there is no hope then there is nothing to hang around for... BUT I have been wrong many many many times with this approach. And I do accept that it doesn't work with loads of people.

 

In a way, we are both doing the same thing, I suspect; planning for two lives at the same time, the one that we are dealing with now from day to day, and the one that we hope to have soon... I find it really hard at the moment to get excited about this business that I am working on, because I keep asking myself "What if he DOES leave..?" Even though I have a slightly better "finger on the pulse" than you do, it is still the uncertainty that I find heart wrenching.

 

How long is it now for you? 2-3 weeks? I think, for what it's worth, that it is still early days, even if it probably feels like 2-3 years for you. He probably needs to REALLY miss you before he plucks up the courage to do anything about it. And do prepare yourself for the possibility that he might contact you even before he has done what he is supposed to do... Not necessarily because he wants to be deliberately horrible, but he might be insecure about whether YOU are still around etc...

 

The computations are endless!!!!

[zarathustra]

Just continuing with living. Determining that this is about my future... not the past.

 

I am not going back. Despite what people may misunderstand about depression and what I can achieve.

You have achieved so much already. Look at your will power. Look at the steps you took... they are not decisions easily made. If you didn't have a bad day, you wouldn't be human... I can't imagine just being able to say f$ck it... NEXT...

 

We feel too much and that is why we hurt so much. You are absolutely right. This is about your future. About what you want in life. Its all about you right now. All that waiting and compromising its all ended. Now you are free... let yourself feel free.

[Jessie61]

You have achieved so much already. Look at your will power. Look at the steps you took... they are not decisions easily made. If you didn't have a bad day, you wouldn't be human... I can't imagine just being able to say f$ck it... NEXT...

 

Sami,

 

Zara is right! What you did was incredibly difficult but you did it all the same! You did what you had to do. Of course you are going to feel down and doubt yourself (the latter becomes second nature for any long term OW, I suspect!), but please don't!!! Give yourself some credit and remember that you can look yourself in the mirror and feel proud of yourself! You can hold your head very high! OK?

[Sami_D]

Sami,

 

Well, the right track...? It is hard to be jumping of joy because I have been disappointed in the past, but sometimes I allow myself to be quietly hopeful... MM knows that he has let me down before and accepts that he has done wrong in the past. Now, he goes out of his way to reassure me (or set me up for a BIG fall, says my cynical head!!! ) and he tells me everything that is going on. I know him really well, and I have caught him "fibbing" in the past (I remember exactly EVERYTHING he says... and eventually they trip themselves up! ) I guess I am quietly hoping for the best, but mentally preparing for the worst???

 

Well, brutal honest here..?

 

You've not done the NC thing and stuck to it... how many NCs have you done... how many times did he just have to say 'jessie'... so... what does he think..? (actually I don't know, but you've said... some... so I am wondering)

 

You have caught him 'fibbing'..? you mean... You've caught him lying in the past?

 

So... you have given in and accepted his broken NCs... and he's lied to you..?

 

And you're hoping for the best..?

 

Just me being a biatch

[Sami_D]

As for you, Sami, I don't envy you. (Yes, I do know very well that I could be joining you in your post-MM/deadline life soon!) But this uncertainty must be such a killer? Not knowing what is happening? If you are going to get that phone call? I really don't know what to say. Personally, I am a "guilliotine" person; cut all bonds with one sharp cut and then kill off all hope and move on. It is very very very harsh, but the only thing that works for me because if there is no hope then there is nothing to hang around for... BUT I have been wrong many many many times with this approach. And I do accept that it doesn't work with loads of people.

 

Yes, it is a killer. It is the end

 

The end of me as an OW. I am never going to feel those feelings again. And BOY does that feel good. And yes... it feels sad. I can't say 'I miss him' so much because the last time we spent any time together was December... I miss talking to him, but that was his big thing, not mine. I think he misses me. I don't know what will happen.

 

But I know I am not going back to that 'babe... I'm going now... bye' thing. HA... feck that.

[Sami_D]

Sami,

 

Zara is right! What you did was incredibly difficult but you did it all the same! You did what you had to do. Of course you are going to feel down and doubt yourself (the latter becomes second nature for any long term OW, I suspect!), but please don't!!! Give yourself some credit and remember that you can look yourself in the mirror and feel proud of yourself! You can hold your head very high! OK?

 

 

Wooo... hold on.

 

I don't doubt myself.

 

Not for one minute.

 

I don't doubt that what I am doing is the right thing. No doubt whatsoever. It's hard. Oh yes, it's hard. But I am doing the right thing, absolutely.

[Sami_D]

How long is it now for you? 2-3 weeks? I think, for what it's worth, that it is still early days, even if it probably feels like 2-3 years for you. He probably needs to REALLY miss you before he plucks up the courage to do anything about it. And do prepare yourself for the possibility that he might contact you even before he has done what he is supposed to do... Not necessarily because he wants to be deliberately horrible, but he might be insecure about whether YOU are still around etc...

 

It is one week and one day.

 

And no, I don't think he will contact me if he hasn't done it. I know him, I trust him. He's not an ass. He won't contact me unless he has told her he wants a separation.

 

But yes... he needs to believe that I won't cave. But I won't... unlike the last time I went NC (when neither of us were ready) I won't cave. Neither will he.

 

He didn't the last time... he won't this time.

 

example. One week into NC last time (oct last year) I texted him; 'I love you, I can't do this' he replied: 'i love you, yes you can'. A week later, I texted him... 'I can't do this... babe... please' he replied: 'yes you can'.

 

He is a totally great man. I love him. He is NOT a s***e

[Jessie61]

Well, brutal honest here..?

 

You've not done the NC thing and stuck to it... how many NCs have you done... how many times did he just have to say 'jessie'... so... what does he think..? (actually I don't know, but you've said... some... so I am wondering)

 

You have caught him 'fibbing'..? you mean... You've caught him lying in the past?

 

So... you have given in and accepted his broken NCs... and he's lied to you..?

 

And you're hoping for the best..?

 

Just me being a biatch

 

Well, no I haven't done the NC thing during this period just because I did not want to remain completely in the dark while this thing is supposed to be happening. If he lets me down, then that is a different matter, of course.

 

Yes, I have caught him "fibbing" in the past, but I don't believe in jumping up on the traditional "Dump him/her" bandwagon as soon as something goes wrong. If you never forgave anyone for anything, then you'd end up with very few people around you.

 

But no, it has taken more than a "Jessie" when NC has been broken. I have never changed my attitude to this situation, and each time NC has been broken, things have move on. Painstakingly slowly, but they have moved on.

 

Yes, I am hoping for the best. With only a few weeks left of this sorry saga, I feel that there is little else I can do. But like I said, I am preparing for the worst and I fully intend to stick to it. And no, he doesn't have my address over here, so he doesn't know which doorstep to visit.

[zarathustra]

Yes, it is a killer. It is the end

 

The end of me as an OW. I am never going to feel those feelings again. And BOY does that feel good. And yes... it feels sad. I can't say 'I miss him' so much because the last time we spent any time together was December... I miss talking to him, but that was his big thing, not mine. I think he misses me. I don't know what will happen.

 

But I know I am not going back to that 'babe... I'm going now... bye' thing. HA... feck that.

 

Yes Sami, you deserve to have every thing you want in a relationship. No settling to be #2, if there are kids involved, you should be tied for #1.

 

As for me, at one point, I thought that I could settle being #2 if his kids were first. But it doesn't work that way. For me, it was the kids are the most important thing... yes... I agree. But where does that leave me? Does that mean that each time he says but its for the kids, I have to back down because they are the most important thing? Does that mean that I am the one who has to compromise each time because the kids are the priority? Then it'll always be thrown out there as why you need to give up because the kids are the most important thing. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that the kids are really important, but there's gotta be a happy medium somewhere.

[zarathustra]

Well, no I haven't done the NC thing during this period just because I did not want to remain completely in the dark while this thing is supposed to be happening. If he lets me down, then that is a different matter, of course.

 

Yes, I have caught him "fibbing" in the past, but I don't believe in jumping up on the traditional "Dump him/her" bandwagon as soon as something goes wrong. If you never forgave anyone for anything, then you'd end up with very few people around you.

 

But no, it has taken more than a "Jessie" when NC has been broken. I have never changed my attitude to this situation, and each time NC has been broken, things have move on. Painstakingly slowly, but they have moved on.

 

Yes, I am hoping for the best. With only a few weeks left of this sorry saga, I feel that there is little else I can do. But like I said, I am preparing for the worst and I fully intend to stick to it. And no, he doesn't have my address over here, so he doesn't know which doorstep to visit.

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I hope he delivers. But see, what I don't get is if he's going to do it in a few weeks, why not do it now? Maybe I'm over simplifying.

[Jessie61]

Wooo... hold on.

 

I don't doubt myself.

 

Not for one minute.

 

I don't doubt that what I am doing is the right thing. No doubt whatsoever. It's hard. Oh yes, it's hard. But I am doing the right thing, absolutely.

 

I didn't mean any offence. But sometimes when you are down (and I get the impression that you are this evening?) then it is good to remind yourself of things, even if you already know them?

 

And yes, you are doing the right thing!

[Jessie61]

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I hope he delivers. But see, what I don't get is if he's going to do it in a few weeks, why not do it now? Maybe I'm over simplifying.

 

His daughter is sitting exams in June which will determine if she gets into college. He feels that him leaving now would ruin the exams for her. Is it bulls***? Yes, it could be. But if it is, then that's it!

 

Believe me, the cynic in me is thinking exactly what you are thinking!

 

But again, time will tell...

[zarathustra]

His daughter is sitting exams in June which will determine if she gets into college. He feels that him leaving now would ruin the exams for her. Is it bulls***? Yes, it could be. But if it is, then that's it!

 

Believe me, the cynic in me is thinking exactly what you are thinking!

 

But again, time will tell...

Off topic but kinda relevant...

 

my uncle was dying of cancer and he and my aunt decided not to tell their daughters because they were finishing up school out of the country. When they finished and came home, they told them of my uncle's condition. They were angry for a long time because they felt betrayed.

 

There's never a good time. But hey, you don't need to have someone's future hanging on your conscience.

[Sami_D]

The last week we talked...? It was Monday... .his Daughter was ill, Tuesday he was tired... Wednesday it was his birthday... etc... always something...

 

Thursday morning we both agreed... it had to be over. It was getting stupid.

[Jessie61]

Off topic but kinda relevant...

 

my uncle was dying of cancer and he and my aunt decided not to tell their daughters because they were finishing up school out of the country. When they finished and came home, they told them of my uncle's condition. They were angry for a long time because they felt betrayed.

 

There's never a good time. But hey, you don't need to have someone's future hanging on your conscience.

 

Zara,

 

That is exactly what I have told MM, that it is never a good time to do it and that they will always feel upset, but they are not my kids and ultimately not my responsibility - even if we DO end up together.

 

But for as long as everything else seems to be falling into place, then I will leave the details to him. He knows what he has to achieve and by what date. It is now up to him to do it. End of story. I think this girl has been more than patient.

[lovernotafighter]

Hey guys and gals.

 

I've been doing quite well since I last sent my xMM an email indicating that I only want to talk to him about business related matters. I don't know what the f#ck just happened, but I got sucked into IMing with him about how I've been, etc.

 

WTF! Anyway, live and learn, right? I'll just have to not respond to him from now on and keep things (even business stuff) short.

 

Was going to say short and sweet, but why bother with the latter

 

Actually, I'm not feeling so good right now because of it. RC, if you are reading this, I'll need a lesson from you on how to not respond to emails and stuff from the ex.

 

Ah Zara.. we have all been down this road..I sent ya a letter about how proud I was I sent my MM a break up letter and asked him to leave me alone..and I instantly caved when he showed up..

 

I feel like kicking my own butt because this is starting to happen to me so much..I used to always back up my words, now MM knows how weak I am..it sucks!!

 

well like you said..next time you won't be so sweet,and I'm sure you'll allot tuffer with each of his attempts..cause there is plenty where that came from.