... hardest thing to do

[jtkirkwood]

Thank you Sup. She called my son so that he could wish her a Happy Mother's Day... I believe she knew that she would not hear from him otherwise.(... and she wouldn't have!) Its bad enough missing her but missing family stuff like today stings a bit as well.

 

JT

[riobikini]

"Ditto!" Sup.

 

JT, you are doing a fine job!

 

re:

 

JT: "Its bad enough missing her but missing family stuff like today stings a bit as well. "

 

 

 

Hugs to you and your son for all the 'stings', -with all of this.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Curmudgeon]

I think you're doing the right thing but the complete NC could prove difficult since you have a child. At some point you should answer. Just be unemotional and find out what she wants. It will either be to see her son, to take you up on your offer to help if she needs something, to ask you if she can return or to try to hurt you some more. Nothing else need be discussed so if she rambles about nothing substantive, cut the conversation short.

 

I know this is tough. I've been through it. But I also know it's survivable and in the end, could be better for you than anything that went before.

 

Marriage Builders recommends not running after a move-away spouse because that gives them a sense of power and control. By maintaining limited contact, or no contact, you force them to come to you if that's what they want. They can also find it alluring and challenging. But that can also be a two-edged sword. Do they really want you back or do they only want to know they can have you if they choose to?

 

I'm sorry you and your son are going through this but I think you're handling it extremely well and in a very healthy way.

 

Best of luck and I hope it turns out for the best, whichever way it goes.

[jtkirkwood]

After talking over the days events with my son I called her to tell her that if this is all to be worked out amicably like she has asked she needs to leave us both alone for a spell. I'm still too in love and she's too eager to fight to accomplish anything positive. My son really doesn't want to talk to her or see her ( he gave my Mom a Mother's Day card and said she's more of a Mother to him than my wife- OUCH! ) but has not told her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. I told her these things and said that I wasn't trying to be an ass, she needed to know that she is going to experience loss just like he and I. I was, unlike her since the beginning of this mess, being honest instead of hiding the hurtful truth and prolonging the agony. It was her choice to walk out instead of holding herself accountable for her part in the failure of our relationship and making the necessary changes to fix the problems that caused this. I said that I hoped that we both could take something positive away from this disaster - learn from our mistakes and not make them again. If we are never meant to be together again I want her to be happy as my son will more likely than not be spending time with her, and she's not a whole lot of fun to be around if she's unhappy! I hope I've done the right thing...

Sounded like she didn't really know what to say, so I left her hanging and said it was time for bedtime prayers ( its a school night... ) and said if there was an emergency, call - otherwise take a break.

 

JT

[jtkirkwood]

Thanks again to all for your continued support!

 

JT

[jtkirkwood]

After talking over the days events with my son I called her to tell her that if this is all to be worked out amicably like she has asked she needs to leave us both alone for a spell. I'm still too in love and she's too eager to fight to accomplish anything positive. My son really doesn't want to talk to her or see her ( he gave my Mom a Mother's Day card and said she's more of a Mother to him than my wife- OUCH! ) but has not told her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. I told her these things and said that I wasn't trying to be an ass, she needed to know that she is going to experience loss just like he and I. I was, unlike her since the beginning of this mess, being honest instead of hiding the hurtful truth and prolonging the agony. It was her choice to walk out instead of holding herself accountable for her part in the failure of our relationship and making the necessary changes to fix the problems that caused this. I said that I hoped that we both could take something positive away from this disaster - learn from our mistakes and not make them again. If we are never meant to be together again I want her to be happy as my son will more likely than not be spending time with her, and she's not a whole lot of fun to be around if she's unhappy! I hope I've done the right thing...

Sounded like she didn't really know what to say, so I left her hanging and said it was time for bedtime prayers ( its a school night... ) and said if there was an emergency, call - otherwise take a break.

 

JT

[riobikini]

re:

 

JT: " I said that I hoped that we both could take something positive away from this disaster - learn from our mistakes and not make them again.........Sounded like she didn't really know what to say..."

 

 

 

 

Funny, -they never know what to say when you take those lemons they dumped all over you, and you wind up making (you guessed it!) -lemonade.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

 

(Smile) Cliche's are our friend.

[mackclint]

Does anyone else think I should talk to my bosses at Clearchannel about giving Rio her own radio show?

[riobikini]

Mack, -interesting.

 

And I am sooooo gullible. (Smile)

 

But let's not hijack JT's thread...(I realize you have no PM services, yet)...rio_bikini@yahoo

 

-Rio

[jtkirkwood]

Mack,

Yep! I would be happy to be guest # 1.

 

Rio,

She knew what to say this morning! If I didn't drive down there immediately to get the rest of my stuff it would be trash-bound...

 

I didn't feel like fighting so I concluded with the following:

 

Have a nice life - you wanted out so stay out till he wants to

talk or see you.

He is where he belongs - get used to it.

You made the decision to leave - please live with it.

 

JT

[jtkirkwood]

To all,

Just saw the greatest billboard! It was an ad for the US Marines and it reads as follows, "Pain is the body getting rid of weakness." How appropriate!

 

JT

[Sup]

After talking over the days events with my son I called her to tell her that if this is all to be worked out amicably like she has asked she needs to leave us both alone for a spell. I'm still too in love and she's too eager to fight to accomplish anything positive. My son really doesn't want to talk to her or see her ( he gave my Mom a Mother's Day card and said she's more of a Mother to him than my wife- OUCH! ) but has not told her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. I told her these things and said that I wasn't trying to be an ass, she needed to know that she is going to experience loss just like he and I. I was, unlike her since the beginning of this mess, being honest instead of hiding the hurtful truth and prolonging the agony. It was her choice to walk out instead of holding herself accountable for her part in the failure of our relationship and making the necessary changes to fix the problems that caused this. I said that I hoped that we both could take something positive away from this disaster - learn from our mistakes and not make them again. If we are never meant to be together again I want her to be happy as my son will more likely than not be spending time with her, and she's not a whole lot of fun to be around if she's unhappy! I hope I've done the right thing...

Sounded like she didn't really know what to say, so I left her hanging and said it was time for bedtime prayers ( its a school night... ) and said if there was an emergency, call - otherwise take a break.

 

JT

 

Um, let's see, you and your son are not with wife who is doing VERY hurtful things. Yeah! YOU made the right decision to get outta there with your son. She MIGHT wake up one day.... by then it'll be too late for her:eek:

 

Oh, Curmudgeon, I really don't think he's gonna be running after her, from what I read.

[jtkirkwood]

Sup,

I have already told my wife that I would only consider reconciliation if-

1. She would be willing to get and stay clean.

2. Attend marriage counseling

3. Be willing to relocate with us as I could not lower myself by going

back to a house that she slept with someone else in.

 

In other words, if she is not willing to do a complete 180 there is not even a remote chance. If she comes back, she'll mean it. I don't want to take a leap of faith on a half-hearted attempt for the wrong reason such as money, familiarity, etc... I am not going to go through this again if I can help it.

 

JT

[riobikini]

re:

 

JT: " I don't want to take a leap of faith on a half-hearted attempt for the wrong reason such as money, familiarity, etc..."

 

JT, I continue to be surprised (actually astounded) and pleeeeezed (smile) , at your ability to do what others normally *do not* do.

 

You are not only pegging reasonable options available, you are articulating them -listing them- in order of priority to benefit you and your son.

 

Most others would never lean towards the rational, much less ever consider what was in the best interest of themselves and those they are responsible for *in a long-term, overall sense*.

 

Most often, it's "Why, oh why won't she/he come back?" or "Poor, poor me, I what can I do to get her/him back?"

 

All the selfish options, all the unrealistic choices, -which only invite more pain, longer, drawn-out periods of recovery, and long bouts of depression that delude, confuse, and misdirect.

 

The point in all of this, is that you realize that, as much as you love(ed) her, you simply have *no control* over what she decides, or does.

 

I am so proud of you just for realizing that.

 

All you can (and are *supposed* to) do is keep yourself sane and *protected*.

 

Without you pushing forward to recovery, the money doesn't keep coming in, the bills don't get paid. Without you focusing on the more positive aspects of getting through this, your home takes on a depressing darkness. Without you grasping the realization that, at least, *one* parent should remain dependable, your son stays in constant fear and uncertainty.

 

It's a bigger burden when you, not only have yourself to worry about, -but you also have others you are responsible for.

 

This is often what separates those going through something like this, who are already emotionally mature adults, from those who have not quite reached a level of reasonable adult maturity.

 

Worthless pursuits, delusions of reconciling somewhere 'down the road', or at the end of some unknown rainbow, but without a single shred of the necessary foundational criteria to support the clinging belief is seen all over these boards daily.

 

I'm glad to see you are one of the very few who has disposed of the rose-colored glasses, and is ready to meet whatever comes with the strength, resolve, wise compassion, and committment of an adult.

 

During this time, I know you are already aware of -and are probably wondering, a little- just how this will all affect your son regarding his overall views on women.

 

That's why it's important to do what you are already doing: keeping the lines of communication open, letting him express himself.

 

And it's important to intervene regarding his judgement of the whole idea of women -what to expect from them, and what they're 'good for'- instead of allowing him to form his perception based on partial, incomplete knowledge, or immature conceptions being formed now, -perhaps, setting his whole standard based only on this one example that you are both having to deal with.

 

So redirect those conceptions. Set them straight. Make the ideas being formed, healthy ones.

 

Let him know there are women out there who are capable of making good decisions, and are reliable, and caring, and that, aside from all the negative, hurtful things stemming from his mother's behavior, -that she still (as surprising as it may sound) *still* deserves the respect of a woman who has (either by design or default) identifies with the role of his mother, whether even *she* can see that or not.

 

She may not be acting like much of a mom, nor a spouse, nor even a reasonable-thinking human being, at this point, -but the fact is, she was given a role to to play in her son's life.

 

She may not fully realize the potential effects of her behavior at present, but as long as she is still breathing, there is time for her to 'wake up', reach out, reconcile, and fulfill, at least, some of her role as 'mom', in a very deep and emotionally healing way for her son.

 

Understanding her behavior may be the toughest thing he has ever encountered so far, in his young life, but it will certainly have impact on his formation of alot of things concerning *trust* and *women*.

 

Meanwhile, as Sup pointed out, *you are both the mom and the dad*, for now, -and indefinitely.

 

I think you are doing a fine job with all of this.

 

Keep posting.

 

And keep your chin up!

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[jtkirkwood]

Rio.

...thanks, just doing the best I can. I truly hope that she will come to her senses regarding him. I don't think she will be willing to climb the fences I have put between us, but am praying she does the right thing by him.

 

You are absolutely right ( again... ) she is refusing to acknowledge the fact that he does not want to see her or talk to her at this point. I suggested that she stop calling him ( and me ) daily and see how long it is before he calls her if she does not believe me.

 

 

JT

[riobikini]

Make certain that no wedge between mother and son (no matter what the case) is driven by your hand.

 

Remain protective, -but never vindictive.

 

-Rio

[jtkirkwood]

Rio,

Never going to happen. I was simply trying to illustrate the fact that he needs time to process this just like I do, JUST LIKE SHE DOES. If she continues to talk with and/or call us daily its just like we're on vacation. She too needs to realize that if she plans on following her present course it will not be appropriate to keep in constant contact with me, and as far as my son goes, I'm taking it a day at a time.

 

JT

[Sup]

hey JT, just wondering what the lawyer has told ya, I understand if you don't wanna say right now. By the way, I don't think you EVER had "Rose-colored glasses"

[jtkirkwood]

Sup,

What I want is a family... What I'll get is life as a single parent... happiness will be found somewhere in between.

 

JT

[jtkirkwood]

After a week of NC the ex texted me to tell me that I needed to make a trip soon to get my stuff, I responded that I am very busy and would try to get there befre the 4th of July. Two days later she texted again to say that there was some stuff on screen porch that I really needed to get ( which by the way has been sitting there for oh... 5 years or so...) so I called her. We ended up talking for about 15 minutes or so, laughed, joked, and talked about what we have both been doing. I had done extensive landscaping at the house which includes lots of bushes and hedges, etc... that need trimming ( some of which are 20 feet high...) so I volunteered to help and told her to call me so that I could plan to come down on a good weather day. She seemed pleased and said it would be cool and since its during the week seeing my son is not an ulterior motive.

Know better than to read too much into this... Just hope she's not planning to kill me or something! Just go, be happy, and act like I have realized ( which I have ) that I don't need her for me to be happy!

or I could tell her to be careful on the ladder...

 

 

JT

[riobikini]

(Smile)

 

JT, you're a smart guy...you've been doing well, so far....you really need no help with this decision, but...stay out from *underneath* the ladder.

 

-Rio

[jtkirkwood]

Rio,

 

As it turns out I have other obligations and am unable to travel back home. Ex left a message this morning that there were some issues that we needed to discuss... She wanted to know why my son does not want to see her - I asked her why she was asking me a question that she already knew the answer to ( or at least she should have! ). I simply told her that she needed to figure that one out for herself. I guess she couldn't figure it out because she proceeded to ask my son the same question repeatedly. ( He handed the phone back to me after telling her " I don't know" 5 times. ) Secondly, she wanted to know if I was dating yet. I politely said that, although it is really none of her business, I am very happy just being with my son right now and wondered why she asked. She said that she was just curious... I added that I am now performing the functions of 2 parents ( time is something I don't have alot of...) and if I were to date I would be condoning her behavior. ( adultery ) I don't know whether to lol or ask her to please stop calling me when she's stoned!

 

JT

[riobikini]

JT, I know you already know> being stoned =*not* talking to her son whilst being so.

 

As for the calling/messages, etc. > she's missing what she let go of, -but too damned stubborn and deluded by whatever it is she's chasing to make things right.

 

Hang in there, -you got my vote, -and that's a hard thing to do!

 

-Rio

[jtkirkwood]

Rio,

What I felt like saying was, " geeeze honey, do ya think its because you abandoned your family?" and as for question #2, " what the hell do you care?!". The cool thing is I can say that here without getting the rest of my stuff set on fire!

 

JT

[riobikini]

(Laughing)

 

JT, Here, you *can* say a few of those things you hold inside during situations like this....it's kinda liberating, isn't it?

 

Venting, I imagine, makes up about one-third of the boards (at least)...the rest is probably lamenting, and a pretty strong mix of the ridiculous, with a few coherently-written situations thrown in for good measure that you can actually speak to.

 

Go ahead and vent, JT, -it can come out here.

 

It'll do you good.

 

-Rio