... hardest thing to do

[jtkirkwood]

After looking at several threads regarding second chances, I have decided to go NC with my wife of 14+ years. There is another man involved, and after 2 weeks of trying to save it ( too hard I will admit...) I told her if she needed anything to call me and I would do what I could to help. I said that I respected her decision to see this man and would not be calling anymore. In the last 48 hours since coming to this decision she has called 2x but I've resisted the urge to pick up the phone as it seems that the only reason that she calls is to try to further hurt me, although I've done my best to hide the fact that I'm devastated from her. I currently have custody of my son ( thank GOD he has insisted on staying with me...) and am not interfering with her contact with him. The way I figure is that the only way she'll come back is if I make it a challenge, and if she doesn't I will be helping myself to heal and move on instead of enabling her to keep killing me emotionally. Thoughts anyone?

[riobikini]

JT,

 

re: " The way I figure is that the only way she'll come back is if I make it a challenge, and if she doesn't I will be helping myself to heal and move on instead of enabling her to keep killing me emotionally. Thoughts anyone?"

 

 

Thoughts?

 

Yes, -but first, I think you need a hug from someone (so here's a virtual one from me: ).

 

I'm afraid the bunny thing is the best we can do with that here at LS. (Smile)

 

Secondly, I want to say that I recognize you are already leaps and bounds ahead of most others who wind up here. Your quote, above, proves that -and your intelligence with your situation- very well.

 

Still, you will, obviously, need strong support over the next -I dunno- undetermined amount of time, to help you through this.

 

Use LS, -but this is a good time to get a few close friends together and tell them it's time to prove their friendship to you, and use them to bounce off thoughts, or vent, or even cry on their shoulders, when you feel you need to.

 

That's what they're there for.

 

Don't internalize this, -there is over fourteen years of emotion and memories built up with this relationship that have the ability to tear you down, just as they have built you up, -and meddle with your future personality, confidence, self-esteem, and general perspective in regards to the bigger picture -your general perception of life- beyond all this, which you will have to live with, as well as your future general perception of women and romantic/committed relationships with them.

 

If you have been ok with all that up until this point, and your conceptions, life expectations, and ideals were all pretty healthy, -you will need it to remain that way. Again, don't internalize this current very painful situation, throughout it's unfolding, -'let it out' with appropriate 'others' to insure that the positive stuff that's already there stays with you, and the negative stuff doesn't get a permanent foothold.

 

As for all the reading you've done in in this site, -it was good you did your homework, but make sure that you are following closely to information that best suits your situation. And make sure you are separating your individual circumstances from others -not identifying in clone fashion with information and circumstances that do not apply to you.

 

In other words, don't adopt a solution without regards to your own particular circumstances, -just follow the generality of the idea and customize the suggestions to 'fit' your circumstances.

 

(I'm saying this only because this is an emotionally vulnerable time for you, -not because your intelligence is in question. You seem to have no problem there.)

 

If posted suggestions simply aren't 'you', -then don't do them just because "someone said".

 

The reason I have prepped this post heavily, is that I can sense that your post is not exactly the norm for this site.

 

It is real, and excruciating, and is being lived out by an obviously, *emotionally-mature* person, and I suspect you are the type of individual who least expected to be posting in such a site, searching for help with this very painful situation.

 

Going full-circle, that now makes you 'one of us', unfortunately. But -hey!- it's a BIG club. (Smile)

 

I do realize it is devastating for you.

 

It is something that you -nor anyone- really expects to ever happen. It supposed to happen to 'other' people, -not you.

 

But here you are.

 

*Promise*: it will probably be the most difficult thing you have encountered, so far, -but it will also be opportunity to grow and find out truly who you are and what you are made of, -like nothing else gives opportunity.

 

And another thing: it is survivable.

 

(Smile) Truly.

 

People can actually live through it and love again, smile again, and build great lives again -sometimes with the same person, -sometimes, not.

 

But, I personally believe, if you are worthy of the experience of love, (and everyone is) that you owe accountability to it in both good and bad times...no matter how bad -or good- they get.

 

With that said, and to further clarify what I meant by my statement above, -I commend you on how you handled all the details you've allowed us to know up to this point, in your situation -especially the grace and strength with which you acknowledged the other man, and how you have retained a gentleman's quality with all your efforts throughout this, right down to your dignified, and quietly accepting exit.

 

That didn't just take guts, it took something you already possessed, -self-respect.

 

To me, it also showed, a great deal of respect and love for your wife, as well -although, she is in no state at this time, to see, nor appreciate your enormous effort and real emotions towards her.

 

JT, I would like to see you stay in the site. You will -I do not doubt- have a lot to say. It will be as much help to others as it will be to you.

 

I will keep posting to your thread(s) as long as you stay, if you wish for me to. And others, I'm sure will contribute whatever sincere support they can.

 

I sincerely hope I have helped you.

 

Thank you for posting your story.

 

-Rio

[daphne]

The right thing to do is always the hardest. You're doing the right things JT. If she doesn't come back, you'll be a heck of a lot farther along to get over her than if you tried to be her "friend" or disrespect yourself in some other way. I'm doing the same thing and in the past I haven't always and pushing people away doesn't work. Trying to get them to see what they're missing doesn't work. No contact, that s*** works. It doesn't always bring them back, but honestly, most people do come back at some point down the road when they wake up and realize you were a good person. If there was abuse or negativity, not always.

 

Just stay strong. When you act with integrity and self respect you won't regret your actions.

[jtkirkwood]

Thanks rio and daphne, your kind words and support are needed and appreciated. My son and I both want this to work but I realize that it will "take three" to make it happen... am moving on but leaving the door open. She has called daily since I began NC - should I pick it up? Yesterday I was at the computer and saw that it was her on the caller id and immediately my guts twisted into a pretzel. It is so hard to resist the temptation to talk to her because I love her so... in spite of how much she has hurt me and my son as well.

JT

[riobikini]

re:

 

JT: " She has called daily since I began NC - should I pick it up? "

 

Answer: Only if you have information that gives you good reason to pick up the phone, i.e. concerns having to do with your son, or similarly 'important' matters such as financial, legal, or emergency health-related concerns.

 

As to "keeping" the door open, -that fact, alone, may compel you, at some future point, to 'give in' to answering a call to talk about the existing problems in your relationship.

 

But, unless there has been enough time for her behavior, thinking, and heart to change in a way that is more positive towards the relationship, -I wouldn't recommend entertaining the thought of talking, just yet.

 

Also, the fact is, *you also need more time* to assess the circumstances, your feelings about it, about her, and whether you have what it takes to begin all over again, and really do want to try , if the opportunity should appear.

 

You need to do a kind of "self-exam" -a real in-depth look at how you have lived and tolerated things in the marriage, up until now -how you have behaved, how you have thought- and learn whether or not you might have contributed to any problems in your partnership.

 

This is a time for facing truths and reality. No matter what the outcome, this time can prove to be very good for you, simply because of this opportunity to "plow your own field". It is something, I believe, is required when serious problems develop in any relationship, especially long-term ones, such as marriage.

 

This isn't a "witch-hunt" to find someone to blame, -it's about going back to review for things that may have needed "brushing-up" on waaaaay back in your relationship, that were "swept under the rug", or internalized -long before this separation happened- and which, you may have just grown complacent about or, perhaps, a little too comfortable with, -and maybe you just didn't "keep up" with the changes occuring in the relationship, -either emotionally and or physically- nor call for a pause to correct any annoying issues, or problems when you were faced with them at the time, and missed that opportunity.

 

For example, after seeing if you've taken anything in the marriage for granted, ask yourself if you've taken yourself for granted, as well, i.e. how good to yourself have you been? Have you allowed yourself to remain in the "background" of the marriage? Been too busy to stay in shape? Have no hobbies, never see your friends anymore? Did you allow her to make all the important decisions? How important did you feel? Do you feel that you were taken for granted?

 

JT, my point is, some things are still necessary to keep doing for yourself, even if you're devoted to your partner. It keeps the interest level up. Kicks in a little excitement, and if it's not "overdone" , it actually, helps keep the marriage nice and healthy.

 

No one should "go along" to "get along" in a marriage. Or anything else, for that matter.

 

Complacency, and taking each other for granted, stuffing annoying 'little' things back and internalizing them are "killers" in a marriage.

 

If either one of you felt as if you were not being valued, or recognized in a loving, responsible, significant way by the other -and it wasn't brought to the table and resolved, chances were that some of that caused at least a little resentment and doubt, and led to other changes in the emotions of one or both of you.

 

And if it was never addressed properly and resolved, the resentment or mal-formed conceptions about how deeply you cared or valued your partner, may have just come, and "set up housekeeping" to stay.

 

Like shoes that fit a little too snug at the heel, over time, those 'little' annoyances have a tendency to form callouses that seem to not even notice the problem, anymore.

 

And yet, over time, and because we are human beings with emotions which are vulnerable and react to the behavior of those we care about most, that emotional 'callous' becomes an emotional 'cross' we drag along, and at least part of the reason we wind up on a journey we never wanted to take.

 

On the other hand, if you were self-absorbed, never had time for the relationship, and were too secure in believing that the marriage would just "take care of itself", -of course your review will reveal that, too, and much of the same thing would occur.

 

I urge you to just take a look, -not at her- look at you, first.

 

It's much easier (always) to see where your partner is wrong.

 

But the first step is not about her wrongdoing, failures, short-comings, etc. -it's -hands down- all about finding out where you stand with yourself, presently.

 

So, -that should tell you *why* you both need time.

 

There's no guarantee that she'll be doing the same thing. She should be, but that's something you'll have to wait and see.

 

JT, a lot of men and women 'jump the tracks', so to speak, (or get dangerously too close to doing it) at least, once or twice during a marriage, especially if it's one where you both have a few years together under your belt, and things have gotten a little stale.

 

Sometimes, depending on what-all is causing the problem, it's often "fixable" and doesn't turn out to be a permanent separation.

 

I can't look into a crystal ball and tell you if yours is the one marriage out of all the others falling apart that will, indeed, disintegrate quietly along with them -or whether you'll (nearly miraculously) both find reason enough to roll up your sleeves and do the work that's necessary on the marriage.

 

But make sure your efforts are worth it, and if you do it, *do it with everything in you.*

 

Don't 'botch' the job. That's why it's important for you to stay focused, and take this whole thing step by step, and try hard to think with your *head* and use your *life experiences* intelligently, that you've gained so far.

 

You can't do it alone. It still takes two.

 

If she -unequivocally- doesn't want the marriage back, then I truly see no reason for you to die trying.

 

But if she should wake up -and has sense enough to take her head out of her a*s in time, you both might stand a good chance at rebuilding this thing, and making it work.

 

Hope I've helped.

 

*Remember to hug your son more throughout all this, -and be available to him.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[jtkirkwood]

Rio,

Thanks for the help, can't tell you how much it means. The fact that you care enough to take the time to help someone that you don't even know says alot about you as a person ` I am aware of my responsibility and what I should and shouldn't have done to have prevented this, and if she were willing, I would do whatever it takes to rebuild our lives and family. However, if she isn't willing to do the same (neither one of us is blameless) I can assure you that the outcome would be less than desirable if an attempt at reconciliation is in our future.

I don't know what she is thinking, feeling, or going through on her end- and I may not want to know. I am in the process of taking care of me- I am pursuing a career that has been a dream since I was a young boy and preparing to face life as a single parent, and trying to do the self-repairs that I know are necessary to have a successful relationship, whether it is with my wife or not.

 

JT

[riobikini]

re:

 

JT: " I don't know what she is thinking, feeling, or going through on her end- and I may not want to know. I am in the process of taking care of me- I am pursuing a career that has been a dream since I was a young boy and preparing to face life as a single parent, and trying to do the self-repairs that I know are necessary to have a successful relationship, whether it is with my wife or not."

 

Bravo!!!

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

P.S.

 

re:

JT: "Rio,

Thanks for the help, can't tell you how much it means. The fact that you care enough to take the time to help someone that you don't even know says alot about you as a person "

 

Jim,

 

I have been protecting, defending, counseling, and coddling hurting people nearly since I could walk.

 

At times, to the extent of my own injury.

 

It only seems natural to use those experiences to aid and look after others.

 

I would not be living my purpose if I did not.

 

And you are most welcome.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[jtkirkwood]

She called my cell yesterday to talk to my son and asked me if the three of us could spend Mother's Day weekend together. I do not want to deny my son the opportunity to see her, but am hesitant to stay at the house (we have relocated some 300+ miles since the split and can't afford a 3 day motel stay...) because I don't know what her intentions are, so I suggested she spend the nights at her Mom & Dad's. Should I politely decline? Should I go but establish ground rules? Should I talk to her and get more info before next weekend? I am not ready to reconcile ( has she taken the time to consider her part in the breakup and is she willing to change if reconciliation is being considered?) at this point and am truly afraid that if this is an attempt to do so on her part and I reject her it could get ugly. I made myself a promise not to ask about her and the other man so I don't know what's up... For my son's sake I will keep it friendly and platonic. HELP!

 

JT

[riobikini]

Jim,

 

If you are not ready, -then you are not ready.

 

You need more time.

 

Let her see her son on on Mother's Day -your presence is not required (she is not your mother)- and let her work out the arrangements herself (she should assume the financial responsibility of that.)

 

If she's his mother, she'll figure out how to accomplish that.

 

*Under no circumstances should she just plop down at your place for the night(s)*.

 

In regards to talking about your relationship:

 

If she wants a private talk, and because you do not fully know, and are not ready to speak your (yet undetermined feelings/decisions) mind on this- you, yourself will have to make the call on that one: have a little talk with yourself, play out imaginary conversations you think you might have with her/things she might say (the positives/the negatives) -and decide whether or not you are prepared to hear any of that just yet.

 

If you aren't, -then tell her you need more time.

 

If you think you'll be able to handle what she *might* say, -then suck in your gut, reel in your balls, take a deep breath, and tell her to let it fly.

 

If she says what you need to hear (must-have things that reconcile the hurts, anger, etc. and truly shows a genuine interest in repairing the relationship), try to remain calm, and *finish* your introspective work on yourself, regardless of the convo.

 

Keep things as they are until you *know* what you (your true feelings) are all about.

 

And tell her you *require* this time to finish your thoughts and self-exam.

 

Watch for changes in her behavior, look at whether the other guy is still in contact with her, and ask yourself what you think may have caused her change of heart. *And really get to the bottom of the 'why'.*

 

Is it just because she is feeling loss of the familiarity of the relationship? Not being with her son? Financial pressure? Or is it true regret and a sincere, bonafide move towards reconciliation?

 

In other words, -has she come to her senses?

 

*Know the true answer.*

 

If what you hear -and see- doesn't meet your qualifications, keep on moving forward in your life.

 

And on the 'platonic' issue: I understand what you mean...a gentleman who respects himself, his family (son), and is a truly 'stand-up' guy, always tries to keep things *civil* in situations like this.

 

And that's all that's required of you at this time.

 

-Rio

[jtkirkwood]

Just found out from a friend back home that the new guy is LIVING IN THE HOUSE! I called to question her and she readily admitted it- and found great pleasure in telling me that they are very happy. So much for leaving the door open, huh? I have a friend who is a family law attorney- instead of getting a visit from us on Mother's Day she'll be getting divorce papers...

 

She actually had the balls to say, "Are you going to get mean and nasty now? We'll always be a family... we have a child - are you going to make it harder than it has to be out of spite?" My frickin' head almost exploded!

 

I just want to get the rest of my stuff and forget her sorry ass. Fortunately my former home state has no-fault divorce - in my case I don't have to wait and drag this on and on...

 

I cracked when I hung up the phone and my son looked at me and calmly said, "Don't cry Daddy, God has gotten us this far, He won't let us down now. Its going to be OK."

 

Thanks to all for caring! No chance for a second chance here...

 

JT

[jtkirkwood]

You guys are great! If the grass isn't greener or the new guy gets hit by lightning or something and she comes calling - WE CAN ALL LAUGH AT HER TOGETHER!

 

JT

[riobikini]

re:

 

JT " I cracked when I hung up the phone and my son looked at me and calmly said, "Don't cry Daddy, God has gotten us this far, He won't let us down now. Its going to be OK."

 

Jim, -do what you have to do.

 

And go ahead and cry if you need to, -there's nothing wrong with tears- in a strange way, they set some things straight for a moment or two. You need them.

 

This goes for your son, too. And remember the hugs....

 

As for your statement " It's going to be ok"...

 

Yes, it is.

 

Sincerely,

-Rio

 

P.S. Stay in the boards. I'll be checking back.

[jtkirkwood]

She called this morning to ask about Mother's Day - I told her that he would be here if she wanted to drive up to spend the day with him, but the arrangements are on her. ( Thanks again, Rio...) SHE REPLIED, " I DON'T THINK HIS CAR WILL MAKE IT THERE AND BACK." Guess she should have thought about that before leaving me for him. Sometimes its the little things that mean so much! I miss the sex, companionship, etc... BUT NOT THE LIES, MANIPULATION, AND CONTROL. It just occurred to me that I'm missing her for all the wrong reasons - AND NOT MISSING HER FOR ALL OF THE RIGHT ONES.

 

 

JT

[riobikini]

re: The Mother's Day Arrangements

 

To avoid having this affect your son negatively (he'll be watching all things regarding your behavior as well as hers; his age and understanding will determine how much of this he is absorbing and comprehending) stick with the original plan to leave all the financial and travel arrangements to her.

 

The reason being, is that, although, this day may be important to your son, she must still realize that her responsibilities as a mother do lie squarely on her own shoulders -not yours.....and that she might as well figure on possibly always having to assume regret and loss with some things that may be important to her, given the obviously limited financial means of her (also, obvious) poor choice of new companion.

 

Look, if he can't afford a decent car, in operable shape, -just what kind of life does she expect to have with him? *So she needs this fact boldly exposed, now, using this particular (and perhaps painful) situation.*

 

But there is still your son to consider.

 

What will he think about missing Mom's Day with his mother?

 

There will be similar days of celebration in the future, so the ground rules are better off being set, now, for the greatest part, and, if need be, you can 'customize' the smaller details later on, as the divorce proceeds.

 

Jim, regardless of all the disruption currently in your life and your son's life, it remains ultra important that you react in a decent, considerate gentleman's fashion throughout all this...I called it being "civil" in a previous post.

 

*Civility is crucial with separation and divorce.*

 

'Civility' is when you are considerate in an everyday sense, not overdoing kindnesses in such a way that sets you up for feelings of further, future regret, and abuse, and compounds negative issues, and emotions between you and your estranged wife.

 

Adopting the act of simple civility is done for many reasons, but two of the most important are when you are separated with children looking on, who are noting the reaction(s) of two very influential and beloved people in their lives, as they deal with highly emotional circumstances.

 

The second reason for using civility, is that it keeps you *safely distanced* from much information you simply will not benefit from, -information, that, in fact, -may seriously wound you emotionally.

 

It is easygoing, reasonable behavior. Being civil offers protection, adds something to your esteem, and is simply the "right thing to do".

 

*So, Jim, -stay *civil* -nothing more should be ventured at this time.*

 

Any consideration of further 'kindnesses', at this point, -any variations or additions whatsoever- should only be done after giving it great thought, and always on behalf of -and in the *best interest* of- you and your son. A good example would be with very serious, or life-threatening health issues concerning any one of you or a close family member.

 

Now, more on how to handle the Mom's Day dilemma:

 

Have a talk with your son, (I suspect you already have a fantastic relationship with him) and let him know that you truly are interested in his views and honest feelings concerning Mom's Day. Find out how important it is to him, and ask him what he wants to do.

 

Does he want to *see* his mother? Or would a phone conversation, or video conference via computer suffice? Under the circumstances she is having to face with the not-so-road-worthy vehicle she must now rely on, belonging to her new companion, the latter would be a very good option.

 

In these situations, where an important day of celebration rolls around, and one parent 'disallows' the 'happiness', or becomes very 'ugly' in behavior, it is often automatically registered and stored by a child.

 

*Keep those memories of you untainted with your child.*

 

He is learning from you how to react in tough, painful situations, and how to handle them...and will likely imitate much of your behavior at some point in his own life in future experiences.

 

Give him the brightest, most intelligent example(s) possible.

 

*Be exemplary* in showing that there are different, and reasonable options to many, many things in life , and that, in relationships (broken ones, too) it is important to strive for the best outcome concerning everyone -not just one or two.

 

*Let him know his opinion is important with this.*

 

Lastly, remember that *you* are (obviously) the *most* influential person in your son's life, at this moment....so it's important to keep yourself *sane* as possible....and *healthy* as possible.

 

Point: Don't let yourself down by letting you health and emotional well-being suffer.

 

If, at any time throughout this, you need counseling, -seek it. Remember it's ok to cry anytime you need to, and share with appropriate others how you feel as time moves along.

 

*Do not do this all by yourself*...it is too hard....and it is unnecessary...there are always people to be found who will listen, and offer direction, (a shoulder, an ear, or a light) if you need it. * Look for them.*

 

I hope this is helpful.

 

Sincerely,

-Rio

 

P.S. You seem to be doing well with this, so far....but stay in the boards -the storm gets more difficult a little farther in. But, Jim, -*it's all survivable*....and you -and your son- will look back on all this someday, and be glad about the *way* you handled it, and will strangely *appreciate* the move forward, and recognize it as having been an *opportunity* to grow in all kinds of ways -and not a complete disaster. It sounds impossible to believe that right now, -but believe it, anyway. (Smile)

[Sup]

Just found out from a friend back home that the new guy is LIVING IN THE HOUSE! I called to question her and she readily admitted it- and found great pleasure in telling me that they are very happy. So much for leaving the door open, huh? I have a friend who is a family law attorney- instead of getting a visit from us on Mother's Day she'll be getting divorce papers...

 

She actually had the balls to say, "Are you going to get mean and nasty now? We'll always be a family... we have a child - are you going to make it harder than it has to be out of spite?" My frickin' head almost exploded!

 

I just want to get the rest of my stuff and forget her sorry ass. Fortunately my former home state has no-fault divorce - in my case I don't have to wait and drag this on and on...

 

I cracked when I hung up the phone and my son looked at me and calmly said, "Don't cry Daddy, God has gotten us this far, He won't let us down now. Its going to be OK."

 

Thanks to all for caring! No chance for a second chance here...

 

JT

 

Contact a Lawyer about getting Custody of your son, the way the laws are twisted these days, (my opinion) she could end up getting custody. If you don't she WILL! Count on that! She sounds very COLD and Vindictive. You must bring these things up to the Lawyer, ALL of these things. I don't know if this counts as Abandonment on her part, but, check it out, Man. God Bless You

[jtkirkwood]

Rio,

I already know these things - my wife's lack of civility is why my son is with me. I could never be on the recieving end of his lack of affection and respect! Have already discussed Mother's Day with him, he doesn't want to see her. I'm sure he will call her but I will not force him to. If I had a dime for every time I've said, "You should call your Mother," since we seperated I'd be retired. I have talked to her twice since going NC and she has only tried to hurt and manipulate me. Don't understand this as SHE is the one who left, but after being told not to call unless there is an emergency, MY PHONE CONTINUES TO RING OFF THE HOOK. She says she's happy but she damn sure doesn't act like it... inflicting emotional pain is generally not something a happy person does. I will continue to do the right thing - regardless of what she does, and for my own protection have stopped answering the phone. I told her the last time we talked that I hoped to find someone ( when I'm ready...) who will love me as deeply as I love her, and I wished her and the new man the best of luck... and jokingly said that I would pay to file for the divorce as an early wedding present for them. I've cried enough, laughing helps too!

 

JT

[jtkirkwood]

Sup,

I'm on it man... God has blessed me and have Faith that He will continue to... Hope that He will Bless all who find their way here - whether to help or be helped!

JT

[riobikini]

re:

 

JT: " I will continue to do the right thing - regardless of what she does, and for my own protection have stopped answering the phone. I told her the last time we talked that I hoped to find someone ( when I'm ready...) "

 

 

 

This was *priceless*....every person going through a breakup, separation, or divorce should be able to say -and do- all of the above.

 

So far, your thread has offered an excellent reference for others going through similar circumstances.

 

Again, -Bravo!

 

-Rio

[Sup]

re:

 

 

 

 

 

This was *priceless*....every person going through a breakup, separation, or divorce should be able to say -and do- all of the above.

 

So far, your thread has offered an excellent reference for others going through similar circumstances.

 

Again, -Bravo!

 

-Rio

 

That pretty much tells her I'm moving ON with MY life:cool:

I'm quite sure if you son stayed in that house it WOULD BE VERY HARD ON HIM, finding out about a lot of things. HMMMM... You may wanna bring that up with the lawyer, about your son being exposed to that sorta stuff, even in a NO fault divorce state they HAVE TO think of "THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD". Do your best to NOT make this a "MESSY" situation if ya know what I mean, I know it would be VERY tempting, but, from what she has already stated, that may be what SHE wants. Laterz

[jtkirkwood]

Sup,

Like our friend Rio said, my son will be watching and remembering all that I do and say... my wife's integrity has already been compromised by her actions and words - a valuable lesson that I learned at her expense. Need I say more?

 

JT

[Sup]

Sup,

Like our friend Rio said, my son will be watching and remembering all that I do and say... my wife's integrity has already been compromised by her actions and words - a valuable lesson that I learned at her expense. Need I say more?

 

JT

 

No, you don't. Just ask God for help, like your son, do the best you can for you and your son, legaly of course. And NO matter what don't DO anything crazy, you know what I mean. Lastly, be careful, she sounds a like she has an ACE in the hole or something, not trying to make you worry, but MAN, I hate surprises. I dunno about anyone else here, But I'm praying for ya, and your son:cool:

[jtkirkwood]

Sup,

I have always lived by the following - "Expect the worst, hope for the best." I know what she is capable of and I will, under no circumstances, let my guard down. Her financial situation is deteriorating ( her hours got cut back to less than 20 at her job and her wages have just been attached... ), I have been informed that the lawn has not been mowed since I left and is now past knee-high, and the gas has been shut off at the house because of non-payment ( she asked if I would help and I politely declined as I have my own obligations...) and I suspect that the electric is not far behind . I could help if I wanted but her lack of grace, compassion, etc... throughout this whole thing has shot that possibility right in the ass. In other words, she doesn't deserve it, and like Rio pointed out, she needs to live with the consequenses of her not-so-intelligent choice of a new man. While my quality of life has improved since my son and I left ( aside from the obvious emotional pain ) hers has steadily declined. I feel bad for her, I really do, because I'm not to the point yet where I don't care anymore, but she's on her own - and I just told her that last months mortgage payment is the last I will be making.

 

JT

[riobikini]

My experience has been, that women who split from the family unit and run off with the new man (who normally isn't worth the salt God put in his body), -have the capability to run through the biggest part of the family's 'put-away' income (bank savings) as fast as they can. And in almost every case, you'll see them with their hand out for more. Expecting.

 

The only focus they have is the enjoyment of their current lifestyle -and *regenerating* that income (through their own paycheck, maybe??) is not list priority, with most of these women.

 

They tend to rely on the income of a *spouse* to meet those needs.

 

Putting a roof over the new man's head is not acceptable, in my book -the money for that should never come from an ex (oor soon-to-be ex's pocket), -neither should phone bills, power bills or anything he and she need to live, be expressed from her spouse. * It's simply not his responsibility.*

 

Never-mind that their new man is about as sorry as sh*t and can't hold a job. Never-mind that the whole community (or others knowing about the situation) are looking at them (her) and shaking their heads at their (her) ignorance of what they're (she is) tearing down.

 

And, certainly, never-mind that the child (or children) involved are the ones to more likely suffer because of this irrational, downright foolish, selfish behavior.

 

I have strong feelings about a mom who doesn't have the backbone to be a mom, or a woman that abandons her children and husband -and generally forsakes, and destroys her entire family for her own stupid, momentary pleasure. To me, the family (marriage, children) is about as close to human representation of 'sacred union' as you can get.

 

That's my personal view, and I don't (*can't*) bring myself to apologize for it.

 

Stay strong, JT.

 

-Rio

[Sup]

Sup,

I have always lived by the following - "Expect the worst, hope for the best." I know what she is capable of and I will, under no circumstances, let my guard down. Her financial situation is deteriorating ( her hours got cut back to less than 20 at her job and her wages have just been attached... ), I have been informed that the lawn has not been mowed since I left and is now past knee-high, and the gas has been shut off at the house because of non-payment ( she asked if I would help and I politely declined as I have my own obligations...) and I suspect that the electric is not far behind . I could help if I wanted but her lack of grace, compassion, etc... throughout this whole thing has shot that possibility right in the ass. In other words, she doesn't deserve it, and like Rio pointed out, she needs to live with the consequenses of her not-so-intelligent choice of a new man. While my quality of life has improved since my son and I left ( aside from the obvious emotional pain ) hers has steadily declined. I feel bad for her, I really do, because I'm not to the point yet where I don't care anymore, but she's on her own - and I just told her that last months mortgage payment is the last I will be making.

 

JT

 

It's good NOT to let down your guard. Too bad you can't at least sell the house, not that it would help your credit rating.(divorces just kill peoples credit, I dunno why, but it does).

Oh, by the way HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!!

 

You should get the Honors, being as YOU are the Father and Mother right now, I dunno what the bunny sign means and all, but I do think it's good.