I have a stalker...

[Mary3]

How the hell does a guy ever turn into such a f***ing weirdo/loser? The only explanation can be decades of unsuccessfully trying to get laid. No guy who's gotten laid anytime recently can come off as mentally deficient as this guy. Talk about emotional problems.

 

From the looks of him he hasn't had the *hoochie coochie* in quite a while. Too short for me actually and clingy city all the way. Wanted me to be his girlfriend that nite. I don't think so....it was the desperattion that was a real turn off actually. I told him I could not commit to some one that I did not know.

 

Its not the first time I have went on a date or two with someone and they start to say " So we are going to be bf/gf right ? " Like they want to possess me right away and that is not going to fly....sorry....I have to get to know someone first by spending quality time with them and after a few months of knowing them I am pretty sure whether its something that might be right for me.

 

I know some say they knew in an instant. Yes ,I have had that awesome chemistry and jumped right in. But as they say Rush in too fast and Crash and Burn just as fast.

 

I don't want to have a wildfire that burns out of control ( however its steamy and hot ) but once the fire dies down you are only left with the cooling embers. Better to start a slow fire and keep the fire going strong....

[MadDog]

So my theory was correct?

 

I guess it's somewhat of a vicious cycle for these losers though. They can't get laid so they become increasingly desperate. Their desperation makes it hard for them to get laid.

 

I think automatically becoming bf/gf on the first date works. . .if you're in the 5th grade. Otherwise, it makes about as much sense as a lock on a 7-11 door (open 24/7, 365 days) or braille on a drive-through ATM machine.

[Mary3]

So my theory was correct?

 

I guess it's somewhat of a vicious cycle for these losers though. They can't get laid so they become increasingly desperate. Their desperation makes it hard for them to get laid.

 

I think automatically becoming bf/gf on the first date works. . .if you're in the 5th grade. Otherwise, it makes about as much sense as a lock on a 7-11 door (open 24/7, 365 days) or braille on a drive-through ATM machine.

 

Yes, sir it was We smell the desperation everytime. There is a rush rush, push push attitude . If they need to get laid so bad they need to visit Nye County where legalized prostitution exists.

 

It makes about as much sense as turning on the stove to boil water and forgetting to add the H2O and burning the pot.

 

The cart before horse leads to an unsatisfied ride.

 

If he wants sex he will have to call a 900 number.

 

If he wants a relationship he is going to have to stop calling a one time date he met 3 months ago and attempting to scare the hell out of me.

[IWalkAlone]

As someone who as been in your date's situation many times, here's my 2 cents:

 

Suddenly ignoring a guy you been on a date with one is actually the meanest thing you can do. He doesn't know where he stands. I agree with the other posters who suggest the direct approach. It is possible to be honest and tactful at the same time. That's what you should do. Saying "I'm not interested" is OK, as is "I don't feel a romantic connection with you." is better, because it doesn't really say that something i wrong with him.

 

DON'T say "I'm getting back together with my ex," or "I'm not interested in dating anyone right now" unless it's true. He may hear through mutual friends that you're single & looking, or you may start dating someone he knows, and he'll feel lied to and betrayed.

 

DON'T say "I'm really busy right now." He may interpret that as meaning you're really busy right now, and in a few weeks you may be less busy and want to go out with him then.

 

 

From the looks of him he hasn't had the *hoochie coochie* in quite a while. Too short for me actually and clingy city all the way. Wanted me to be his girlfriend that nite. I don't think so....it was the desperattion that was a real turn off actually. I told him I could not commit to some one that I did not know.

 

Its not the first time I have went on a date or two with someone and they start to say " So we are going to be bf/gf right ? " Like they want to possess me right away and that is not going to fly....sorry....I have to get to know someone first by spending quality time with them and after a few months of knowing them I am pretty sure whether its something that might be right for me.

 

I know some say they knew in an instant. Yes ,I have had that awesome chemistry and jumped right in. But as they say Rush in too fast and Crash and Burn just as fast.

 

I don't want to have a wildfire that burns out of control ( however its steamy and hot ) but once the fire dies down you are only left with the cooling embers. Better to start a slow fire and keep the fire going strong....

 

I'm gong out on a limb and suggest that you take his call when it comes (I'm NOT suggesting meeting him at your place). How about giving him some good dating advice based on what you wrote above? Some guys have trouble with women due to poor social skills. Women tend to be creeped out by them and avoid them like the plaugue, which just fuels the guys' desparation, frustration and anger toward women. How about giving him some good advice that if he follows, may actually help him land his next girlfriend? Calling him a desparate loser behind his back adds insult to injury and does nothing to help him.

[Walk]

I'm gong out on a limb and suggest that you take his call when it comes (I'm NOT suggesting meeting him at your place). How about giving him some good dating advice based on what you wrote above? Some guys have trouble with women due to poor social skills. Women tend to be creeped out by them and avoid them like the plaugue, which just fuels the guys' desparation, frustration and anger toward women. How about giving him some good advice that if he follows, may actually help him land his next girlfriend? Calling him a desparate loser behind his back adds insult to injury and does nothing to help him.

I like your suggestions, but what if this guy really is a crazy lunatic? She answers the phone to give him some "pointers" and next thing she knows he's at her house attempting to rape her?

 

Got any suggestions on distinguishing the lunatics from the merely socially inept?

[MadDog]

Suddenly ignoring a guy you been on a date with one is actually the meanest thing you can do. He doesn't know where he stands.

 

I can't agree with you here. Any guy who's halfway socially competent would realize that if a girl stops calling him back, she's not interested. I mean, how does he rationalize that she keeps ignoring him but he still has a chance? This guy obviously has social issues.

[Guest]

I like your suggestions, but what if this guy really is a crazy lunatic? She answers the phone to give him some "pointers" and next thing she knows he's at her house attempting to rape her?

 

Got any suggestions on distinguishing the lunatics from the merely socially inept?

 

A guy who's smooth, sauve and good looking can also be a crazy lunitic. Consider that serial killer named Bundy (I keep thinking Al Bundy, but that's the Married with Children dad). He was a good looking guy, and many of his victims willing got into his car at his invitation. It's a risk we all face when dealing with people.

 

If she does take his call, she should still be very clear that while there's someone out there for him, it's not her. And if she doesn't want to hear from him again, she should be clear about that.

[IWalkAlone]

I like your suggestions, but what if this guy really is a crazy lunatic? She answers the phone to give him some "pointers" and next thing she knows he's at her house attempting to rape her?

Got any suggestions on distinguishing the lunatics from the merely socially inept?

A guy who's smooth, sauve and good looking can also be a crazy lunitic. Consider that serial killer named Bundy (I keep thinking Al Bundy, but that's the Married with Children dad). He was a good looking guy, and many of his victims willing got into his car at his invitation. It's a risk we all face when dealing with people.

If she does take his call, she should still be very clear that while there's someone out there for him, it's not her. And if she doesn't want to hear from him again, she should be clear about that.

[IWalkAlone]

I can't agree with you here. Any guy who's halfway socially competent would realize that if a girl stops calling him back, she's not interested. I mean, how does he rationalize that she keeps ignoring him but he still has a chance? This guy obviously has social issues.

 

That may be a social reality that people (men AND woman) blow each other off and refuse to communicate with someone they've dated with no explanation, but it's still rude. People who do this rationalize it by saying they're being respectful of the other persons feelings, but they are actually hurting the others' feelings. It's their OWN uncomfortable feelings they're trying to avoid.

[SmoochieFace]

I can't agree with you here. Any guy who's halfway socially competent would realize that if a girl stops calling him back, she's not interested. I mean, how does he rationalize that she keeps ignoring him but he still has a chance? This guy obviously has social issues.

 

Ridiculous. Absolutely silly. Never ceases to amaze me.

 

Dude, you really think every guy should be on the exact same page when it comes to this stuff. It is bogus. There are no set rules carved in stone on how various actions are to be interpreted. I don't know from where you are getting that idea but it is illogical.

 

Well... since you have come up with a *conclusion* on this guy's problem... exactly WHAT is his *social issue*?

[Mary3]

As someone who as been in your date's situation many times, here's my 2 cents:

 

Suddenly ignoring a guy you been on a date with one is actually the meanest thing you can do. He doesn't know where he stands. I agree with the other posters who suggest the direct approach. It is possible to be honest and tactful at the same time. That's what you should do. Saying "I'm not interested" is OK, as is "I don't feel a romantic connection with you." is better, because it doesn't really say that something i wrong with him.

 

DON'T say "I'm getting back together with my ex," or "I'm not interested in dating anyone right now" unless it's true. He may hear through mutual friends that you're single & looking, or you may start dating someone he knows, and he'll feel lied to and betrayed.

 

DON'T say "I'm really busy right now." He may interpret that as meaning you're really busy right now, and in a few weeks you may be less busy and want to go out with him then.

 

 

 

 

I'm gong out on a limb and suggest that you take his call when it comes (I'm NOT suggesting meeting him at your place). How about giving him some good dating advice based on what you wrote above? Some guys have trouble with women due to poor social skills. Women tend to be creeped out by them and avoid them like the plaugue, which just fuels the guys' desparation, frustration and anger toward women. How about giving him some good advice that if he follows, may actually help him land his next girlfriend? Calling him a desparate loser behind his back adds insult to injury and does nothing to help him.

 

I realize that not contacting someone after a date is not a kind thing to do. Its happened to me. I always conclude that if I dont hear back then that person is not interested. Sure I can imagine he was in a car crash or something awful happened to him that he could not call back but most likely we did not *click*.

 

I once had a date who kept pushing for reasons why it was not working. I really felt uncomfortable and finally told him " I do not feel a romantic connection to you ". I find this is honest but at the same time like other posters said you don't want to hurt anyones feelings.

 

I have never used " I am really busy right now " although some men are famous for that line. Its just silly to say that. I learned a lesson this week.

[SmoochieFace]

People who do this rationalize it by saying they're being respectful of the other persons feelings, but they are actually hurting the others' feelings. It's their OWN uncomfortable feelings they're trying to avoid.

 

Words of wisdom.

 

I have always thought that the *I'm not telling you *** cuz I don't want to hurt you* line is such absolute horses***.

[Mary3]

I'm gong out on a limb and suggest that you take his call when it comes (I'm NOT suggesting meeting him at your place). How about giving him some good dating advice based on what you wrote above? Some guys have trouble with women due to poor social skills. Women tend to be creeped out by them and avoid them like the plaugue, which just fuels the guys' desparation, frustration and anger toward women. How about giving him some good advice that if he follows, may actually help him land his next girlfriend? Calling him a desparate loser behind his back adds insult to injury and does nothing to help him.

 

 

I feel at this point I don't think I could offer friendly advice to someone who says they are GOING to talk to me no matter what and if they have to come to my front door ( this is after just one date ) and TALK to me is rather creepy. I could see if it were a long term bf who was going crazy with worry and demanded we talk. This was not the case.

 

In his conversation he said " So , I like you alot , do you want to be my girl ? " Thats okay I know you do so you are mine " I was like uh oh...time for date to be over....and you know the rest of the story...

[Lishy]

Whoa ..... He is a major freak from freaksville!

 

You told him now so hopefully he will back off!

 

Keep us informed honey!

[Vertex]

So my theory was correct?

 

I guess it's somewhat of a vicious cycle for these losers though. They can't get laid so they become increasingly desperate. Their desperation makes it hard for them to get laid.

 

I think automatically becoming bf/gf on the first date works. . .if you're in the 5th grade. Otherwise, it makes about as much sense as a lock on a 7-11 door (open 24/7, 365 days) or braille on a drive-through ATM machine.

 

TOTALLY irrelevant on my part but I wanted to address the last few points:

 

1. Locks on 7-11 may be useful if there are burglars or anything like that... a form of protection during extreme circumstances.

 

2. There is braille on drive-through ATM machines because the molds used to create those numbers are used for other products besides those ATM machines. The marginal cost of producing separate plates that are devoid of braille is not worth it, and it is cheaper to just use the same plates for multiple products, as the braille doesn't hinder the functionality to those with sight anyway.

 

 

Ooooook.

 

 

As for the situation at hand here... yes this guy seems very desperate. I think brutal honesty is best, but with tact. The advice saying "I don't feel the romantic connection" seems pretty sound. But giving the "standard excuses" like being busy are now seen as obvious devices used to avoid people indirectly, and are pretty easy to detect.

[Mary3]

I like your suggestions, but what if this guy really is a crazy lunatic? She answers the phone to give him some "pointers" and next thing she knows he's at her house attempting to rape her?

 

Got any suggestions on distinguishing the lunatics from the merely socially inept?

 

Thanks Walk .Male posters have to look at it from a women's perspective .

 

Some men who are not getting *sex* might just get to foaming at the mouth and try to take some anyway.

 

He gets access inside my place and I am SO done. No, not an option...

[Mary3]

I can't agree with you here. Any guy who's halfway socially competent would realize that if a girl stops calling him back, she's not interested. I mean, how does he rationalize that she keeps ignoring him but he still has a chance? This guy obviously has social issues.

 

Great answer MD. I would think he would get the hint. But like other posters have said I must be more direct in the future.

[Mary3]

A guy who's smooth, sauve and good looking can also be a crazy lunitic. Consider that serial killer named Bundy (I keep thinking Al Bundy, but that's the Married with Children dad). He was a good looking guy, and many of his victims willing got into his car at his invitation. It's a risk we all face when dealing with people.

If she does take his call, she should still be very clear that while there's someone out there for him, it's not her. And if she doesn't want to hear from him again, she should be clear about that.

 

Yes there are handsome serial killers out there. Surprisingly when they capture most SK they look so normal like the guy next door, your teacher, a cop , ect. So the * bad man * can look just like anyone.

[Mary3]

That may be a social reality that people (men AND woman) blow each other off and refuse to communicate with someone they've dated with no explanation, but it's still rude. People who do this rationalize it by saying they're being respectful of the other persons feelings, but they are actually hurting the others' feelings. It's their OWN uncomfortable feelings they're trying to avoid.

 

It is rude. I agree. I have done it . I have had it done to me. I will change my standards but that won't change the fact that it could happen to me again. At least I know what it means when they don't call back

[Mary3]

Ridiculous. Absolutely silly. Never ceases to amaze me.

 

Dude, you really think every guy should be on the exact same page when it comes to this stuff. It is bogus. There are no set rules carved in stone on how various actions are to be interpreted. I don't know from where you are getting that idea but it is illogical.

 

Well... since you have come up with a *conclusion* on this guy's problem... exactly WHAT is his *social issue*?

 

Smoochie , he is right. A confidant man will shrug it off as no big deal. A socially inept man will take it personally and keep calling and calling. He needs more * clues * as to why she is not calling back.

 

I am not saying this is right. I am saying its very prevalent in our dating society. I was shocked when it happened to me. Now its the norm of 06 apparently.

 

If you are in a relationship you won't know what I am talking about . If you are single and dating different people you know some of what I am talking about.

Its going to happen to the best of us.

 

How you * react * is another thing. If I don't hear back within 5 days I will assume he is not interested. I do not care about all the Don Juan Books. If he cares about you he WILL call. Simple as that.

 

If he doesn't then he was not right for you and time to move on.

[Mary3]

Words of wisdom.

 

I have always thought that the *I'm not telling you *** cuz I don't want to hurt you* line is such absolute horses***.

 

Of course it hurts someones feelings. Thats called *empathy* when you relate to what they are feeling.

 

Its going to hurt them if you tell them.

 

Its going to hurt them if you don't.

 

I would not call it horse manure that it bothered you enough that you weren't sure what to do about it... And thats called * feeling uncomfortable* about hurting someones feelings.

[SmoochieFace]

Smoochie , he is right. A confidant man will shrug it off as no big deal. A socially inept man will take it personally and keep calling and calling. He needs more * clues * as to why she is not calling back.

 

So why not just tell him? Are you trying to *save face* by not doing so?

 

Personally, it wouldn't matter to me if the woman was rude enough to not tell me if and/or why she isn't interested. A woman who does that isn't worth my time and attention. Her rudeness is a reflection of her character, not mine. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that MY stance is any sort of *norm*. I cannot speak for ALL people and I am not arrogant enough to state that my POV is THE truth. Same thing with MD and his view.

 

Bottom line... everyone is different as we all have different experiences therefore all people cannot be pigeonholed as the same and cannot be expected to see things in the same way.

 

Nevertheless... being honest and upfront with people is better than just leaving them hanging. It's called *being a mature adult*.

 

 

I am not saying this is right. I am saying its very prevalent in our dating society. I was shocked when it happened to me. Now its the norm of 06 apparently.

 

Well... JMO... but today's *norms* suck major dick. I don't care for the *dating culture* of today therefore I choose to not date. Too many bulls*** games and *tests*... I don't have time for that rubbish.

 

 

I do not care about all the Don Juan Books.

 

Don Juan only caters to the *playuh* crowd. He is a fraud for everyone else.

[SmoochieFace]

Of course it hurts someones feelings.

 

Are you sure?

 

Look, you can't sit there and speak for ALL guys. I am a guy and I can tell you personally that if you weren't interested in me I would have much more respect for you as a human being if you were upfront and honest about it simply because you weren't being a coward by NOT telling me.

 

IMO... ignoring someone hurts feelings but being honest and upfront does not. Just speaking from experience...

[Mary3]

So why not just tell him? Are you trying to *save face* by not doing so?

 

Personally, it wouldn't matter to me if the woman was rude enough to not tell me if and/or why she isn't interested. A woman who does that isn't worth my time and attention. Her rudeness is a reflection of her character, not mine. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that MY stance is any sort of *norm*. I cannot speak for ALL people and I am not arrogant enough to state that my POV is THE truth. Same thing with MD and his view.

 

Bottom line... everyone is different as we all have different experiences therefore all people cannot be pigeonholed as the same and cannot be expected to see things in the same way.

 

Nevertheless... being honest and upfront with people is better than just leaving them hanging. It's called *being a mature adult*.

 

 

 

 

Well... JMO... but today's *norms* suck major dick. I don't care for the *dating culture* of today therefore I choose to not date. Too many bulls*** games and *tests*... I don't have time for that rubbish.

 

 

 

 

Don Juan only caters to the *playuh* crowd. He is a fraud for everyone else.

 

If a lady weighing 350 pounds approached you and said " Do I look fat " ? What would your honest answer be ?? Would you stop for a minute and consider her feelings before you spoke ?

 

If someone painted your bathroom walls cherry red while you were at work today and that someone happened to be your girlfriend and she said : Honey do you like the cherry red color ? " What would you say to her. ? Would you stop for a minute and consider her feelings BEFORE you said how you felt about the newly painted walls ?

 

Your analogy of my charactor is not correct. Because I do this one thing about not returning calls of men I am not interested does not make me a rude person in general , it just makes me uncomfortable to have to say it in general. I am making improvements in something that a male perspective taught me yesterday,

 

As previously stated I did send him an email. If I find that I can improve myself by responding sooner then that makes me a better person .

 

Also there must be lots of * people are who not mature * if they too do not return phone calls.

 

You seem so tough smoochie. Do you have a soft side at all ?

[Vertex]

I kinda agree with the earlier post. I'd rather be told straight up because otherwise there are a lot of questions out in the open that could have been easily answered. What is the advantage of NOT telling as opposed to telling when you wish to no longer continue contact? I have a hard time finding positive attributes associated with the "leave them hanging" strategy. I mean I feel like it's a basic rule of communication. If you're able to speak your mind, no matter what the content may be, it's an important skill and saves a lot of unnecessary grief and questioning. I think it comes with being a mature individual in any sort of relationship. Even though a lack of replies will surely indicate that there is no interest and they should move on, it hurts feelings by drawing things out, and wastes everybody's time. Furthermore, it can cause clinginess such that the person you no longer wish to contact begins to chase you when you don't wish that to happen. All of these issues can be wrapped up by simply speaking the truth of the matter and communicating the message correctly so that there are no questions left out without answers.

 

EDIT: With regards to the previous post there is a primary difference in your analogy that, in my mind, makes the logic sort of fuzzy. In the case of painting the cherry wall, the reason why it would be more difficult to be truthful there is because you do not wish to cause stress to the relationship and you would rather it continue onward without that additional stressor. In the case of returning a call you would NOT want this relationship to continue in the same way that it was before, so I do not think the same logic applies in both cases fully. Regardless, what CAN be done in both cases is to be honest with tact. Or, if you are willing to tolerate a certain occurrence at the cost of something else because the net benefit is inherently greater, then of course you'd choose the appropriate option. Regardless I see no advantage to simply ignoring people you are not interested in.