rman Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 jen, jen...he didn't follow through. he didn't be with any of them. and even if he had, she should require him to have a clean bill of health before she would be with him anyway. regardless of who he has been with. she, and all of us, should demand this from potential sexual partners. i hate to disagree with you but i really think she was wrong to snoop. Sage advice. Everything you wrote is clear and right on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Hi, I had emailed craigslist casual encounters three times in one night two months before we met. Well, if she loves you and cares for you she should be able to understand something so silly. And if she doesn't, maybe it's a good thing that you are not with her. She might make a big deal out of nothing and make you miserable in the long run Hopefully, at the same time, she'll apologize for looking in your computer. Then from that on you could promise to trust each other and not have this type of situation happen again, Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Moral of the story? Two wrongs don't make a right. I agree 100%. But, she either intentionally or UNintentionally stumbled into information that pissed her off enough to end it. Did she suspect you cheating? Possibly. Was she just snooping for the heck of it? Possibly...Either way, for her to dump you for that particular reason says to me that she was going to dump you anyway. People just don't break up for ONE reason...It was dumb of you to leave that account active if you two were together, but it seems she didn't really give you a chance to explain and work it out - She was out the door so fast. Let her go, move on and find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Spurned Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 does anybody else reading this thread miss those college days of wild abandonment?? I was just laughing over how passionately some people feel about this topic. I was out a week ago at a club with my buddies and saw a cute (okay, kind of stripper looking) girl sitting at a bar with her friends. I was somewhat intoxicated and asked her if she was with any guys. When she said no, I asked her if anybody in the club would get jealous if I kissed her. To reply, she leaned over and full-on frenched me. I enjoyed it, but after five years of being a physician, I was thinking, I hope she doesn't have an active herpes breakout right now . . . well my friends dragged me off of her so we could get something to eat, they probably saved me a walk of shame. I felt kind of like George Clooney's character on ER, except nowhere near as good-looking and a lot drunker. Growing up sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 So, is meeting someone in a bar then bringing them home the equivalent of being with a hooker? If so, a very, very many of us are guilty of prostitution. Yes. Speak for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
rman Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Yes. Speak for yourself. So rigid and unforgiving. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 JenJen has obviously had her heart trampled. I'm very sorry for that, I've been there and it sucks. I think, however, that snooping through someone's personal things is wrong. It sounds like she was LOOKING for something to be upset about. I disagree that people with nothing to hide resent snooping. I have my BF's email password and he has mine, I have nothing to hide. But if I found out that he was going through my email I would be upset, and I would NEVER be so disrespectful and childish as to go through his. Adults communicate like adults, they don't around playing Secret Squirrel the Superspy trying to trap people. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 I think, however, that snooping through someone's personal things is wrong. It sounds like she was LOOKING for something to be upset about. Adults communicate like adults, they don't around playing Secret Squirrel the Superspy trying to trap people. i totally agree. if she was looking because she had a trust issue, she should have approached him with it. and if she's uncomfortable talking with him about the trust factor in their relationship, she has huge issues and has no business being in a relationship at all. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 i totally agree. if she was looking because she had a trust issue, she should have approached him with it. and if she's uncomfortable talking with him about the trust factor in their relationship, she has huge issues and has no business being in a relationship at all. Come on. Do you honestly believe that he would have divulged this filthy little piece of information to her if she said to him, "Is there something that I should know that you haven't told me?" Of course not. By nature, most people are deceitful and self-serving, and only choose to tell the truth when it is advantageous to them. This is especially true for someone who is lacking in solid moral character in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 So you think when you enter in a relationship with someone they have every right to invade every aspect of your personal life? That you are not allowed any privacy at all? Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 You are totally missing my point. I give up. People without a moral conscience will never understand. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Unless you have something to hide, snooping shouldn't bother anyone. Totally disagree there. Unless you're a parent checking on a child, snooping is unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 You are totally missing my point. I give up. People without a moral conscience will never understand. So now if someone doesn't agree 100% with everything you say they are completely immoral? Are you going to take your ball and go home? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Are you going to take your ball and go home? bum...i like to play ball Link to post Share on other sites
saltedfish Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 well, we know snooping is wrong, but as he said his email was not protected by password...and to judge to girl leaving, I would like to know what did she exaclty read, i mean were these emails you sent somehow repulsive, overly sexual? and in any case you sent them 2 months before you met her, then you were together for a while, why were these mails still in your mailbox???? I can understand her reaction tough, maybe she was falling in love and this hit her hard, I mean I have been in similar situation, I met a ex-boyfriend thrue personals, we dated, and he took of the add in few days after meeting me and our realtionship moved on, I was falling for big time, but then my insicurites rise and i kept checking the site if he would activate his add ( well it´s like hide/show mode thing) then ine day after 1,5 months, his add was back on...and it felt so bad, i even cried:( I tought to leave him just like that without any explanation. well, I didn´t and we were together for some more months, after he dumped me, and at that time he told that he had tried to find out how to cancel the membership, and had activated the profile by accident. truth or not..never to know, but it´s not the case, the point is how bad i felt to see that, and i can imagine her seeing raunchy email to find sex from net, it hits hard...there is no room for reasoning if she was falling for you at the time...IMHO Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 I don't argue about her being upset. There's nothing wrong with being upset about the emails. But there is something wrong with snooping through someone's stuff. It's rude, immature and disrespectful. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 But there is something wrong with snooping through someone's stuff. It's rude, immature and disrespectful. And being dishonest with your girlfriend about where you draw the line at morally acceptable behavior is worse. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Why has this become a debate about which is worse? It comes down to comfort levels. If snooping is so wrong in his book, he should be glad she owned up and shipped out. Link to post Share on other sites
rman Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 And being dishonest with your girlfriend about where you draw the line at morally acceptable behavior is worse. Life is not black and white. It is full of shades of grey. I'm afraid you have much to learn, young Skywalker. Life will teach you these lessons. I read something once: "One who cannot trust, cannot be trusted." I think that applies nicely here. Link to post Share on other sites
rman Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 I can understand her reaction tough, maybe she was falling in love and this hit her hard Seems to me that if she were truly in love, she would have given him a chance to explain and not run away. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 And being dishonest with your girlfriend about where you draw the line at morally acceptable behavior is worse. Was he dishonest with her? Did he tell her he would never do that and then she caught him? I'm not sure where he's dishonest. I agree that dishonesty has no place in a relationship, but I think snooping is also dishonest. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 A lie of omission is still a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
rman Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 A lie of omission is still a lie. By this line of reasoning, at the beginning of every relatiionship the two people should convene what amounts to a confessional, during which each person confesses each and every potentially "questionable act." If any person omits any potentially questionable act, then that person will have lied, I suppose dooming the relationshp. I wonder if jen_jen does this in her relationships: confessing every lapse of judgment in her life at the very beginning. (And please don't tell me you don't any blemishes. We all do.) I suspect the answer is no, and with good reason. In life, we learn as we go. Each and every person makes mistakes and lapses in judgment from time to time. We learn, and we correct. That's the beauty of it. I'd be careful about judging too harshly, lest you be judged. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Seems to me that if she were truly in love, she would have given him a chance to explain and not run away. Better yet, if she was in love she would judge him for what she knows about him now and not things he did in his past. None of us are perfect. I think her snooping was unaccetpable and her dumping him utterly childish. Unless he told her he had never done such a thing before. The lesson here?: Password protect your email. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Better yet, if she was in love she would judge him for what she knows about him now and not things he did in his past. None of us are perfect. Cali, I agree with you about this. I also agree with your earlier post - two wrongs don't make a right. If it had been me, if I had snooped and found such a thing, sure, it might have made me think differently about my partner. It is a bit icky, on the face of it. Or perhaps I would have recognized that it happened once, he didn't do anything about it anyway, and ultimately, it's just not that big a deal. Either way, it's worth a discussion of some kind, not a breakup. That seems awfully sudden. Perhaps she already had trust issues with the relationship, or in general? As for your interesting question, rman: Do you believe that someone who is distrustful and sneaky can be reformed, or are those traits that continue on ad infinitum? As you also said, life is not black and white. People do make mistakes. They are human. I have snooped, in the past, when my trust in a new relationship was weakened by a previous one. I am ashamed of it. Snooping brought nothing but pain, no clarity whatsoever. In short, it did nothing constructive for the relationship. I can say that I wish I had never done it, not only because it was bad for the relationship, but also because it's crappy behavior and I don't enjoy having it on my mental/emotional resume. Oh well. (If wishes were fishes...) But yes, I think someone who is distrustful can learn from their mistakes. We are all the product of our environments, to an extent. I was distrustful as a direct result of a previous relationship. I learned a painful lesson about carrying that kind of baggage from one to the next. It's hardly a "trait". Anyway, back to the OP. Breaking up over this was childish. But in the long run, it was probably for the best, for both of them. Link to post Share on other sites
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