juliainoz Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Pada if u have a chance go out and read are you the one for me? it is a great book and will help u with this relationship and ur last relationship.
Walk Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Pada, I'm wondering if he is giving you his version of his relationship in telling you that he was affectionate with his exW. But wonder what his exW would say. (I think I got the right ex. One of them he said he was affectionate with) If he actually was affectionate to a level you would be happy with, then I think it would be worth spending a month (possibly two) to figure out if you can get a healthy level of communication going, and his cooperation in changing. Without pressuring him for too much or all at once. But I think you need to set a limit on the time frame. Both for your mental health and for his. But be firm on this. Let him know that if he doesn't want to change, or can't, then you deserve to find someone who is willing and capable. Don't tiptoe around the truth in this. He deserves to understand the consequences too. I know that the older people get the more distrustful we become. We fear change and we fear other's attempting to change us. I don't think 5-6 months is very long into a relationship to feel a huge level of trust would have been established. I think, Pada, that you need a clear "goal". An outcome that you would be happy with. Because I'm not sure you have one at this point. You're focused on not getting anything at this point, which is understandable. But if you're anything like me, a little is still not enough. I don't demand HUGE amounts, but will he be capable of giving to the level that would make you secure and happy? What level would that be? What is the lowest level you need in order to feel loved, and what is optimal? Do you have a clear idea of what those would be? In my experience, you can't communicate a need to a man with generalities. You have to have clearly defined ideas, thoughts, and levels. Not "you don't touch me enough", because to him he probably does. So what is "not enough". Maybe you already know this and have told him. I didn't read that part in your thread though. Some guys don't open up easily. I don't know what you tried/didn't try. But I know that letting him know you are there if he wants to talk, then leaving him alone, will get him to open up faster then if you sit and beg. I think it comes down to trust. Neither of you have very high levels of it. Just my opinion though.
Author basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Walk---your words give me much to think about. Every time you post my mind is stir'd and you make me think. There is just something about the way you make your statements and how you form what you say hits home with me. I truly think you completely understand where I am at and you give me practical and logical words to chew on. I feel you could definetly hold my hand through all this and keep me level headed and on track. There is just something about your words that really affect me. Thank you for being here and following my delimea. I am doing my best to stay level headed and keep my emotions in check. I just want to break down and cry-its so intense inside of me I feel like I am going to burst. I want to reach out and hold him. I have that desperate feeling and its very uncomfortable. Anxiety is definetly here. I feel like I am hanging by a string sometimes. Other times I feel strong. I see so much good in Charlie and he is a good man but he has a problem with expressing his feelings through touch (forms other then sex) and words. I have experienced this is very minimal forms from him. So I know he is capable and he really tries hard to find a way to satisfy me but he won't do it in a way that will make him vulnerable. In my mind I believe it is so easy to just open up and express but I understand it doesn't come naturally for others. I do believe it is a trust issue with him and he has built up a wall around himself to protect himself from being hurt again. I can see through that wall because he does give me glimpses. I can't always explain on this board the things he says or does that keeps me holding on and why I believe what I believe. Its in his actions, its in his ways, its in his use of round-about words, its in the way he expresses himself indirectly. This is not my imagination. I am not seeing what I want to see. Others have watched him and have witnessed and seen what I see but we don't know how to get him to realize that his way of self preservation will destroy what he wants or is building. He said "You are fine." when I ask him if he is happy with me. He has said "Yes, I am happy with you or I wouldn't be seeing you or calling you as much as I do." I don't know how to measure how much affection I would be comfortable with. I know the few times he has reached out to me and pulled me close or pulled me to him and kissed me blew me away. I was very surprised.. Almost shocked. He likes to give me a shock effect. He laughs at it. He likes to shake me up a bit because of my reaction. So he is playful with me. If he could only find a way to communicate a bit with me about feelings and thoughts of us and where he wants this to go I think it would open lots of doors for him and I but he wont let his guard down. I do need to try.. I am not ready to give up ..
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 He laughs at it. Boy.. nice guy.... Instead of trying harder you need to give up.. at least for a while .. he needs to see life without you for a while
Author basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Boy.. nice guy.... Instead of trying harder you need to give up.. at least for a while .. he needs to see life without you for a while Yes I have thought of this too but I feel like I'm going stir crazy without the connection. I have almost 6 months of talking to him every day. It is a habit and normal for me to communicate and share out days with each other. I feel so alone not being able to share with him the events of my day and I don't hear about his. I miss it terribly already. He and I haven't spoken normally to one another for the past 3 days. It is very hard.... I am very uneasy about this. Its keeping myself in check that I think would be the hardest in keeping distant from him. I am not ready to give up.
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 He and I haven't spoken normally to one another for the past 3 days. That is why you need to pull away for a while.. maybe a couple of weeks.. He needs to figure things out and you need to give yourself a break to put yourself back on plane so you can think about everything.. A couple of weeks
Author basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 That is why you need to pull away for a while.. maybe a couple of weeks.. He needs to figure things out and you need to give yourself a break to put yourself back on plane so you can think about everything.. A couple of weeks OMG I've never done such a thing in my life. I am addicted to him. The idea as I read your words sprung panic in me.. He made a statement this weekend out of the blue at the club that he is going to the cabin this weekend with the kids. He just bought them new fishing poles. I looked at him in shock because he hadn't said anything to me about it before and now he was saying it in th club towards my gf so I would hear it. He wasn't directly speaking to me but he intended for me to hear it. The look I gave him made him make the remark "you better get use to it." WTH was that all about. I felt like he was saying that he will spend every other weekend with his kids at the cabin without me involved... Am I over reacting to this statement. Was this his way of saying he needs space? A_C you are spurring me to uncomfortable thoughts.
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Was this his way of saying he needs space? That is exactly what he is/was saying..( except he is being a jerk about it ) Pada.. you know yourself very well.. then you know that you are WAY to attached to him right now .. it is unhealthy. Please pull away.. if only for a few days.. Do it for yourself..
Author basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 That is exactly what he is/was saying..( except he is being a jerk about it ) I felt the jerk act too. Pada.. you know yourself very well.. then you know that you are WAY to attached to him right now .. it is unhealthy. Yes I agree with you. I am attached and it is feeling scary. Fear of hurt, fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of losing the good in him in my life. Please pull away.. if only for a few days.. Do it for yourself.. It is hard. I already texted msgd him tonight because I haven't heard from him all day. It is unlike him. so it is scary and it also hurts. He told me last night he would talk to me today and he hasn't. It is unlike him. He is a man of his word. I am wondering and thinking he is reaching out to his female friends right now to get some perspective on how to understand me and deal with me. I could be wrong but he has one female friend that he has shared his issues with his ex with and I can see him going to her again for someone to talk too. He might be sitting with her having a few beers talking.
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 It is hard. I already texted msgd him tonight because I haven't heard from him all day. Don't over think this right now.. This is the spot where people talk about pushing driving another away.. If you continue to push him he will move in the opposite direction ( he is already doing it.. He is no longer holding his word about contacting you ). Please pull away and get your bearings.. Just stop texting him and calling him.. look at it as something you are doing for you.. I know it hurts but you need to clear your head of all your feelings right now
Author basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Don't over think this right now.. This is the spot where people talk about pushing driving another away.. If you continue to push him he will move in the opposite direction ( he is already doing it.. He is no longer holding his word about contacting you ). Please pull away and get your bearings.. Just stop texting him and calling him.. look at it as something you are doing for you.. I know it hurts but you need to clear your head of all your feelings right now I thought of calling but I have held back. I am not one to call and call and call just because I haven't heard from him. I call once then maybe an hour later Ill call and leave a msg and then that is it. I reach out then stop. I haven't called him tonight. He said he was going to and he has't so I texted him and said "it feels like your far away and i miss the dialy connection with you" that is the only contact I have had with him and the only form of reaching out I have done. I have sat on my impulses until about 30 minutes ago.. I am tired and I need to get to bed. Its 9:11 and I have to be up at 5:30 so I am going to retire for the night.. Thanks Art_Critic I plan to not call or text again tonight. I need sleep and I have another crazy day at work tomorrow. I need to stay as focused on my responsiblities as possible. He knows I am thinking about him. I know as time goes by if he doesn't contact me I am going to go nuts.. I've never had NC before while in a relationship with someone..
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Cool.. get some rest.. and in the morning.. Do Not Call him...Or text him.. and if he calls you or texts you.. delay returning it.. Trust me on this...
Author basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Cool.. get some rest.. and in the morning.. Do Not Call him...Or text him.. and if he calls you or texts you.. delay returning it.. Trust me on this... :lmao: he doesn't know how to text msg..- He barely knows how to check his text msgs. if he doesn't hit the read button when he is notified he doesn't know how to get into it. He may call later if he went out for a few beers. My cell is always plugged in next to my bed. I never miss a call.
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 He may call later if he went out for a few beers. My cell is always plugged in next to my bed. I never miss a call. Don't answer the call if he calls.. just let it go to voicemail.. Show him that you are not waiting up for him to call..... If he calls don't return it till mid morning... this is important.. you need to show him that you are distancing yourself
Author basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Don't answer the call if he calls.. just let it go to voicemail.. Show him that you are not waiting up for him to call..... If he calls don't return it till mid morning... this is important.. you need to show him that you are distancing yourself wow- thats like playing games. I hate games but I do understand what you are saying. It won't be easy.. It's going to be very very uncomfortable... Im logging off. Tks .. g-nite..
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 wow- thats like playing games. I hate games but I do understand what you are saying. It won't be easy.. It's going to be very very uncomfortable... Im logging off. Tks .. g-nite.. This is for you Pada.. not for him.. it will help think.. it will also show him that you aren't crowding him
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 It isn't playing a game in a mean way...This is for YOU. To shield your heart. For you to detach...Focus on other things in your life other than Charlie and how he makes you feel or not feel. You need a break from it. Maybe if he gets the feeling you're distancing yourself from him, not 'needing' him as much and relying on having to talk to him daily, will make him stop and think... Realize, wow, I DO miss her - And he'll make more effort to try to make things work better. Another way of looking at this is, he in his own jerky way has told you he wants space, he is going to DO things on his own without you - So if you keep on calling him, wanting to talk to him, that will only push him further from you. Don't call him back so fast. Don't even TURN ON your IM. Leave it off if you're at the computer tomorrow.
Author basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Don't call him back so fast. Don't even TURN ON your IM. Leave it off if you're at the computer tomorrow. He did not call me last night. That is the first time since the first week we met that he did NOT call me. He has called me everyday but that once until last night. As for him using a computer--he isn't technology learned; he barely knows how to use his cell phone-he can't even turn on a computer. He is a labor man (man's man--bricklayer, construction, bobcat, landscaping) not a technology man. He doesn't even know how to turn off the closed-caption on his TV.... :lmao: I am the one who knows tooooo much about technology. I gobble it up like it was yesterdays learning. I dreamt all night about my situation and it was all negative. None of my dreams were possitive about working things out with him. Weird thing is my dreams where like I was composing him a letter telling him in detail how emotionally handicapped he is and how he cannot invest equally in a relationship with a woman. He is so caught up in his own world that he can't see another persons needs. He lives in his own mind instead of relating with other people. Is this what my subconcious sees and I am not aware of it all. It is very unsettling.. I am thinking he will die a single lonely man or some woman will come along and live feeling ignored and unloved and always short herself from love and affection just to have financial stability and a warm body but no heart.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Art is a guy and he's giving you good advice. It's not exactly game playing but more of protecting yourself. WWIU agrees also and so do I!! Sit on your hands, do NOT contact him. It's almost as if he's punishing you for expecting too much from him in a way or something. Show him that you can function without him- even if you think you can't. Fake it until you can make it.
riobikini Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 RE: PadaM: " I dreamt all night about my situation and it was all negative. None of my dreams were positive about working things out with him. Weird thing is my dreams where like I was composing him a letter telling him in detail how emotionally handicapped he is and how he cannot invest equally in a relationship with a woman. He is so caught up in his own world that he can't see another persons needs. He lives in his own mind instead of relating with other people. Is this what my subconscious sees and I am not aware of it all. It is very unsettling.. I am thinking he will die a single lonely man or some woman will come along and live feeling ignored and unloved and always short herself from love and affection just to have financial stability and a warm body but no heart." Too many paralells, here, for my comfort (wane smile). I felt sorry for B**, too, because I also imagined what an empty, lonely life he must have actually lived, so far, -and what a dismal future for anyone to live without experiencing a deeper meaning of love. I looked carefully over the details I knew of his life and could see intervals where he had formed types of unions with other women, whom he wound up being married to, and they -to me- seemed almost as messed up as he was in some shape or form. The first wife he had to marry (pregnant), the second just kind of was 'there' and had no where else to be in her strange life. To me, it seemed no real basis for marrying them. But he did. I truly think it was a feeling of being trapped -not in control- and having to 'go with the flow' with the first one. The second one, -well, she was kind of like a cheap shiny bauble you reach down to pick up off a lounge floor, you don't know what to do with it once you've picked it up, but you slip it into your pocket, anyway, and take it home with you. Like the bauble, she was eye-candy and entertainment, -company- for awhile, -then she was just a 'liability', in that she offered nothing to the relationship, but emerged as a 'taker', -of course, of material things. So, he was 'stuck' both times. Meanwhile, he still had this problem with communication with women in romantic relationships that never got approached and dealt with. Why? I think it's because of several reasons: his possible 'predisposition' to it (family history, background schematics, genetic, etc.) , it was also, I believe, that he never really had someone interested in him enough to be concerned with those problems, but, primarily, because he chose not to deal with his problem(s) himself. And I think that that is the reason I was most horrified by. How can anyone simply choose to not develop and research their own emotional capabilities, -especially with the love emotion?? I see him as this emotionally crippled person who is bent and twisted so much so, that he lives in an existence that is so foreign to me, I cannot truly imagine. But then, I think maybe, I am totally wrong, -maybe he is OK with this existence and prefers it. It would certainly answer my question of why he doesn't do anything about it. It would be easier for me to think that, -and accept it. Except, -I can't, Pada. -Rio
alphamale Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 a 4 or 5 month relationship cannot be this complex already unless it is dysfunctional. PADA is in the "paralysis by analysis" mode now and is reading waaay too much into what is or isn't going on....
Author basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Art is a guy and he's giving you good advice. It's not exactly game playing but more of protecting yourself. WWIU agrees also and so do I!! Sit on your hands, do NOT contact him. It's almost as if he's punishing you for expecting too much from him in a way or something. Show him that you can function without him- even if you think you can't. Fake it until you can make it. I agree, he did hold off on calling me one time because I asked him the same question in a different way and he knew I was on the same subject. I asked him if he held off to punish me and he said "maybe" with a smile on his face. I am really feeling myself pull back emotionally from him. I do not do well to these kinds of games with men. When they start this shyt I start to give up. I don't waste time with it. I am already self talking the ending oif it all. My value on relationships is if the man can't work on communication and he avoids it then he won't survive with me. I can't survivie without hugs, smiles, kisses, loving touches, talking out our feelings about practically everything. I want a real man, who is living in the real world, who see's reality and understands people aren't perfect and nothing will ever be the way we always want it so we have to learn to work on things TOGETHER not seperately.. I want a partner.. Not a bystander. Charlie isn't growing with me.. He isn't moving forward with me. He hasn't moved much since we started dating. My feelings have been growing and he seems to not be moving along at all. The love that I have for him cannot grow without it being fertized. It will shrivel up and die and he will lose.
riobikini Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Alpha, in general, what is your take on men who do not feel comfortable with displays of intimacy, nor verbal communication with someone who cares for them -just to get the reaching spectrum on this? (Preparing for 'Alpha-mode') -Rio
justagirliegirl Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 a 4 or 5 month relationship cannot be this complex already unless it is dysfunctional. PADA is in the "paralysis by analysis" mode now and is reading waaay too much into what is or isn't going on.... I agree. Pada, maybe your dreams are trying to help you. I hate when you try to talk to someone about something important and they just avoid it or say nothing or make light of it. Communication is so important in any relationship and for one to refuse to do it, is contributing to its demise.
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