Questions to seriously ponder. Not always black/white.

[blind_otter]

Oh ok. Thanks for clearing that up!

 

I hope things come to a helpful resolution.

[SmoochieFace]

Yes I wrote a letter but didn't give it to him

I was advised not to and so therefore I chose not too upon thinking about it.

 

Are you considering giving him this *new* letter? If so, what is the difference this time around?

[whichwayisup]

Yup, a letter written MUST be short, sweet and to the point. Anything more than one page won't sink in or have ANY affect on him.

[Art_Critic]

I hope things come to a helpful resolution.

 

I agree.. I hate to see how torn up you are and hope you get it sorted out..

[alphamale]

Anything more than one page won't sink in or have ANY affect on him.

a whole page? how about one or two sentence scribbled on a yellow post-it note thats stuck on the bathroom mirror. that would work best

[basscatcher]

I did chicken scratch Saturday morning some of my thougts on a paperplate while he slept. He did read it. It was a little bit of what I opened this thread with.

 

------

I just had a peice of info given to me.

My gf just called me and said she called Charlie last night to tell about the new car she bought yesterday. WTF is she calling him for with her news. They don't talk unless he is with me visiting her and her bf.

Anyway, she told me he didn't answer his phone. She said she called him again and left a voicemail and also her call back number and he still hasn't responded.

I don't understand why she even called him to brag. He doesn't really like her and I know he wouldn't call her back unless it was something important. Bragging isn't something he would call back about.

 

The second part to this is it is weird he didn't answer his phone. He doesn't know there phone number so he couldn't really refuse answering the call. The call could have been something to do with snow removal..

 

My gutt is telling me something is going on that I am not aware of and it might be somethng negative against his and my relationship.... He hasn't contacted me at all (unusual) he said he was going to call me and didn't keep his word (unusual)..

This is weird.. He gets calls all the time from numbers he doesn't know and he answers much of them because of snow removal. So why didn't he return the call to her number. It's not like him..

 

Now my worry meter is kicking in. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFf***..... All my senses are in over drive, my analitical paranoia is roaring. My emotions are on a roller coaster. I need a hug and I can't get one.

Damn it sucks to care about someone and you can't have that returned.

 

How can he just turn different overnight. He is not acting normally.. I wonder if he connected with is Xgf. She has been hounding him and stalking him. That is what she has done in the past to get him to come back to her.. Because he was upset with me Sunday night would he turn to her in this rough time???

 

I need to stop stop stop stop. I'm not functioning properly the last 2 days. Im lacking in my responsibilities too. Ughhh. This man is messing up my world in just a short period of time.

 

Sorry I needed to vent..

[justagirliegirl]

a whole page? how about one or two sentence scribbled on a yellow post-it note thats stuck on the bathroom mirror. that would work best

 

:lmao:

 

That is so me! Usually mine consist of a couple If..Then..Else statements!

 

:lmao:

[blind_otter]

Vent away, Pada. i can see that you're distressed right now. I wish I could give you a hug.

[MadDog]

:lmao:

 

That is so me! Usually mine consist of a couple If..Then..Else statements!

 

:lmao:

 

You're like a computer programmer that uses post-it notes instead of a computer.

 

MD

[basscatcher]

Vent away, Pada. i can see that you're distressed right now. I wish I could give you a hug.

 

I'm at work, I can't focus, I had a interview for a different job during my lunch break and I wasn't into it. I don't feel it went well.

 

I am having a hard time answer this damn phone with a smile on my face.

I'm doing my work sporadically when I should have it all done right now..

 

Since This NC shyt started I am flashbacking to previous relationships and remember the comparison of the hurt..

[Art_Critic]

He is not acting normally..

 

Neither are you..

 

Pada.. relax and stop worrying about the relationship..

[alphamale]

I'm at work, I can't focus, I had a interview for a different job during my lunch break and I wasn't into it. I don't feel it went well.

 

I am having a hard time answer this damn phone with a smile on my face.

I'm doing my work sporadically when I should have it all done right now..

group hug for PADA >>>>HHHHUUUUGGGS<<<<

...see I can be sensitive

[Art_Critic]

group hug for PADA >>>>HHHHUUUUGGGS<<<<

...see I can be sensitive

 

you just wanted to get close to feel her ass

[basscatcher]

I havent reread this yet.... It is my first draft and I haven't proofed it, edited it, or shortened it. It is just a ramble. Anyone interested please feel free to cut it down to a shorter version and make it direct and to the point. This is a good way for you MEN out there to show what you would listen to from a woman.. We can analyze what is important to you and what you take out it.

------------

 

This is not an easy letter to write because I have to face reality and truth within myself.

 

This is my last attempt to communicate with you about issues regarding our relationship.

I have heard from you that you believe there is nothing wrong with our relationship and that you think I over analyze things and that you think I am insecure and creating drama.

You have not been listening to me because you have closed your ears to my feelings and needs.

If you can’t open your ears and mind and think about what I am saying you and I will not be together.

I have formed ideas and opinions on why you are ignoring my attempts to talk about things that are happening and not happening between us; but my assumptions are not what I want to focus on right now.

You know I am not happy. I am not happy because I need to communicate with you and I need you to communicate with me about us. You have been avoiding talking about us and your feelings.

I have to believe you have heard enough to understand what it is that I have been desperately trying to talk to you about.

I will put it in writing so you can see it without hearing my emotions in my voice or seeing my emotions in my face and body language.. I ask that you read this, read into it and think about it. After you’re done and have thunk it through; if you feel you are able to comply a little bit then come to me and talk to me.

 

I am feeling alone in this relationship. I reach out to you through touch, words, actions, affection, smiles, laughter, and words to show you that I like you, I care about you, I enjoy your company, I am falling in love with you and that I do love you. I have seen enough of who you are to know that you are a good man and you have qualities I very much desire in a husband and companion. I give myself to you and you do not return the same affection, attention, interest, and communication. I am the only one who carries the love in this relationship. It is one sided. Love can’t survive one sided. Love needs to be given and received in order to survive and grow. The love I have for you is badly bruised and is starting to deteriorate.

I do not feel that you are growing in your feelings for me and that is the cause of my drama (as you call it).

I have asked you several times what you think about us and you don’t tell me directly. I have asked you what you think of me and you don’t tell me, I have asked you what you feel for me and you last told me that you didn’t know what you feel. At almost 6 months something should be growing and developing if you are interested in me more then just a companion to hang out with and sexual benefits.

I don’t buy into your explanation that you are such a private person that you never share you thoughts or feelings. I do not buy into that excuse and you can’t make me believe it. You are not connected with me. You are not growing feelings for me that are relationship lasting. You are not attracted to me like you should be when involved in a dating, courting relationship. This relationship is not fair to me and I am starving for love and affection. We should be in the “honeymoon” stage in this relationship and I am the only one who has those feelings. On-lookers can see it also that you aren’t into me as I am in you.

If I stay in this relationship like this I will grow to resent you and I will become emotionally sick and dysfunctional. It is already starting. I feel the desperation and the anxiety. I feel starved and neglected of affection and love.

 

You are a tentative man, you are a gift giving man, and you are connected but not emotionally connected. You are fun and alive. You are active and exciting to be around. You are patient and laid back. You take care of yourself and what is yours. You have beautiful blue eyes, a nice smile and a cute butt. I love your cheeks and how you smell. I love your laugh and your sense of humor and you have great taste in apparel. You are financially stable and I don’t have to worry about having to support you. You are a respectable and honest business man. You are a hard worker. You have opened up new adventure in my life. You have feed my need to go out and be in a social environment. I have enjoyed immensely having you with me out dancing on the weekends and accepting my social circle.

 

You have so many good qualities and it hurts me to have to accept that you can’t fulfill my emotional and communication needs as a woman when you fulfill all the other areas.

I know you and I can’t work things out the way they are. You are reluctant to give in and change just a little bit to ease my needs. This relationship is starvation for me; starvation for love, affection and relationship communication.

I have never asked to you to give me EVERYTHING I want and need. I asked you to only try giving me a little and seeing if it is something you want and can do. You are reluctant...

 

I do not like games in relationships. When you are mad or upset you punish me by not calling or holding off. You become sarcastic and disrespectful of my feelings because you feel under pressure.

 

I am reaching out for you and you are running away from me. This is not love. Love is caring about another person’s needs, health, feelings and happiness. You don’t show this towards me as I do for you.

 

If you feel I am too much work then you shouldn’t be with me. Love is an effort that takes two people and it can’t survive if it’s only one.

 

If you don’t want to give up on us then you need to start giving.

 

You are pulling back from me. You have not been inviting me into you life. You have not asked me join you with your children, brothers, family or friends since the first 2 months we got together. You are segregating me from your personal life.

You have also made excuses to not connect with mine (visiting my mom and dad) and join me in our Catholic faith. That is a factor that is killing me inside... You won’t even let God into our relationship and share it with me.

I can’t be in a relationship like this. It is just as hard for me to let go as it is to hold on.

Either way I am hurting.

But letting go of you, if that is what I have to do, will get better over time and someone else can come into my life and fulfill me and give me the balance I want and need...

If I hold on I will always hurt and come to resent you and hate you if things don’t change. I do not want that to happen.

 

You have healing to do. You have growing to do with yourself before you can be a benefit in a woman’s life. Dysfunction loves dysfunction. It feeds off each other and keeps it going. I don’t want to continue like this. I don’t want to always hunger for your arms around me, I don’t want to hunger for your love, I don’t want to hunger for your touch or loving gaze. I don’t want to hunger for you to treat me as the center of your desires. I don’t want to hunger for your unconditional attention.

This is what I feel. This is what I sense:

You are distracted and your heart isn’t with me and it’s not growing.

 

Like I said before; if my assumptions are incorrect YOU need to communicate and correct them. But right now I don’t think I am wrong and neither does anyone else whom I’ve shared my situation with.

 

It’s up to you Charlie if you want me or not. If you do then you need to take responsibility for your part in this or you need to cut me lose before I abandon you.

 

I do love you but I can’t go on the way it is.

 

[Touche]

I didn't read the letter, sorry. Men don't respond to letters. Men respond to ACTION. You need to step back. Do not contact him and he'll come running and be attentive. THEN, you can tell him that that is what you want from him and if he can't do it on a consistent basis you have to leave.

 

But for now, you're wasting your time with letters.

[blind_otter]

Don't give him that letter.

 

Can you maybe sit down and think of exactly what it is you want from him? In list form (no long sentences, just words/phrases)?

[basscatcher]

Don't give him that letter.

 

Can you maybe sit down and think of exactly what it is you want from him? In list form (no long sentences, just words/phrases)?

 

I wasn't going to give him this letter. NO WAY..

That is why I said it is a draft. It was my rambling.

 

AND depending on what is going on with him right now might change all this energy I am exerting.

 

He might have gotten back together with his X.

He might have went up to the cabin for a getaway to sort out his thoughts

He might be just being in NC until he deciedes what he is going to do.

 

There are many things that could be happening with him while I sit her in panic and I'm a mess..

[l2hvn]

I can barely finish the first sentence.

 

Look, I know you're trying to give your best to make this work, and I know you don't want to walk away from this knowing you didn't give your all. But sometimes, you have to know where to draw the line. Is all this really worth it? And I'm sure you already know the answer to that one.

 

To be honest, reading your posts after posts, I can't help but shake my head. I feel bad for you, pada. You certainly do not deserve to be treated like that. But why stick in a relationship that's NOT going anywhere?

 

He's not going to change. Period. So take him as is. Or move on. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

I just don't think you writing him a letter (for the nth time) will make any difference. Just let it go. Do your own thing. The more you try, the more he will pull away.

[basscatcher]

I will not take him as is right now. Almost 6 months into this and he hasn't moved forward with me.

 

I am at the end of my reign in his life like this. He went aloof Sunday night and I am going stir-crazy with ideas and feelings. I feel like I am losing my mental stability and I've lost my footing.

I havent called him since Saturday. He hasn't called me since Sunday evening.

I texted him last night before I had a chat with A_C and I haven't reached for him since.

LS'rs are my poor victims of my oceanic storm while I try to make some sense of my thoughts and calm my emotions. I am on this ebb and flow of tidel waves.

I do think a short letter direct and to the point is a good attempt since he doesn't like face-to-face communication about feelings and problems..

 

I am on the brink of ending and walking away but that doesn't mean my feelings are shut off. I wish it were that easy.. I wish I could try to work this out with him but it may not be possible. I think there is about a 98% chance that he and I will end but I have to at least hope for that 2% he will try.

 

All of this is over communication if you boil it down. He wont communicate with me regarding our relationship. I have handled him with gloves on and carefully until Sunday night I blew out of balance on him because he mentioned the situation then didn't want to talk about it.

 

I wont know the outcome of anything until HE contacts ME.

[Walk]

I shortened it, rearranged it some, and attempted to clarify what you were saying.

 

Think the biggest problem is that you are very angry and it sounds like a really long slam letter, not a "lets talk about our problems please".

 

You are fun and alive. You are active and exciting to be around. You are patient and laid back. You take care of yourself and what is yours. You have beautiful blue eyes, a nice smile and a cute butt. I love your cheeks and how you smell. I love your laugh and your sense of humor and you have great taste in apparel. You are financially stable and I don’t have to worry about having to support you. You are a respectable and honest business man. You are a hard worker. You have opened up new adventure in my life. You have fed my need to go out and be in a social environment. I have enjoyed immensely having you with me out dancing on the weekends and accepting my social circle.

 

I heard you say that you believe there is nothing wrong with our relationship. I believe you think I over analyze things and that I am insecure.

 

I am not happy. I would like to communicate about us. I feel you have been avoiding talking about us and your feelings.

 

I feel lonely in this relationship. I need you to show your love for me through touch, words, actions, affection, smiles, laughter, and words. I care about you, I enjoy your company, and I am falling in love with you. You are a good man and have qualities I very much desire.

 

From your words and actions, I do not feel that you are growing in your feelings for me. The last time I asked you told me that you didn’t know what you feel for me.

 

You say you are such a private person that you never share you thoughts or feelings. I don’t feel connected with you.

 

You have so many good qualities. But you are reluctant to change just a little to meet my needs. This relationship needs work. I asked you to only try giving me a little and seeing if it is something you want and can do.

 

When you are mad or upset, I feel punished when you don’t call or hold off. You become sarcastic.

 

I am reaching out for you and you are running away from me. Love is caring about another person’s needs, health, feelings and happiness.

 

If you don’t want to give up on us then I would like you to communicate your thoughts and feelings with me on us.

 

You are pulling back from me. You have not asked me join you with your children, brothers, family or friends since the first 2 months we got together. You are segregating me from your personal life.

 

You also made excuses to not connect with mine (visiting my mom and dad) and join me in our Catholic faith. That is a factor that is killing me inside... You won’t even let God into our relationship and share it with me.

 

You have healing to do. I don’t want to always hunger for your arms around me, I don’t want to hunger for your love, I don’t want to hunger for your touch or loving gaze. I don’t want to hunger for you to treat me as the center of your desires. I don’t want to hunger for your unconditional attention. I sense that you are distracted and your heart isn’t with me and it’s not growing.

 

I will give every amount of effort possible to make this relationship work, but if you feel it is not worth the same from you, then we should end this. If you are unable to attempt to meet me half-way, then give me the freedom to find someone else who can come into my life and fulfill me and give me the balance I want and need...

 

Like I said before; if my assumptions are incorrect YOU need to communicate and correct them. But right now I don’t think I am wrong.

 

It’s up to you Charlie if you want me or not. If you do then you need to take responsibility for your part in this or you need to cut me lose.

 

I do love you but I can’t go on the way it is.

 

Last thing... after reading your original letter... I question why you are with this man. Several reasons: He won't talk to you, won't try to meet your physical or emotional needs. Doesn't value what is important in your life (family and God). Is no longer making you a part of his life (his family and friends). You said he's been sarcastic, and has withdrawn emotionally and physically from you. And no he's saying he doesn't know how he feels about you.

 

I think it may be time to have the "talk" with him. The break up talk. Just my impression from your letter.

[whichwayisup]

you just wanted to get close to feel her ass

 

My gf just called me and said she called Charlie last night to tell about the new car she bought yesterday. WTF is she calling him for with her news. They don't talk unless he is with me visiting her and her bf.

 

Either your girlfriend is fishing for you - WITHOUT you asking - Or something else is UP. WTF is she calling him for??? If that was my friend, I would be talking to her about that...

 

Pada, I really wouldn't give him any letter. Right now he is incapable of wanting to read, to understand where you are coming from. I think you giving it to him will hurt you more. Let it just be a vent.

 

Solution now is don't call him, let him call you. In a week if nothing has happened, take the ball into your own court, you tell him you're ending things because it's causing you too much pain. (or something like that.)

 

This can't go on for much longer, it's affecting you all the time and is distracting you.

[basscatcher]

WWIU

You are correct and I was just rearranging the letter myself and narrowed it down even more then you did.. I cut it to the point.

 

I am wondering those same things you are but logic isn't the only thing in this. I have feelings for this man and memories of very good and happy times. Its not cut and dry. I think we all know this from our own lives. Its easier to see what others need to do but when its ourselves it not as easy.

 

I reach out to you through touch, words, actions, affection, smiles, laughter, and words to show you that I like you, I care about you, I enjoy your company, I am falling in love with you and that I do love you.

I am starving for your love and affection.

We should be in the “honeymoon” stage in this relationship and I am the only one who has those feelings.

 

If I stay in this relationship like this, I will grow to resent you.

 

You are a tentative man,

you are a gift giving man,

and you are connected

but not emotionally connected.

You are fun and alive.

You are active and exciting to be around.

You are patient and laid back.

You take care of yourself and what is yours.

You have beautiful blue eyes, a nice smile and a cute butt.

I love your cheeks and how you smell.

I love your laugh and your sense of humor and you have great taste in apparel.

You are financially stable and I don’t have to worry about having to support you.

You are a respectable and honest business man.

You are a hard worker.

You have opened up new adventure in my life.

You have feed my need to go out and be in a social environment.

I have enjoyed immensely having you with me out dancing on the weekends and accepting my social circle.

 

It hurts me to have to accept that you can’t fulfill my emotional and communication needs

This relationship is starvation for me; starvation for love, affection and relationship communication.

 

Love is caring about another person’s needs, health, feelings and happiness. You don’t show this towards me as I do for you.

Love is an effort that takes two people and it can’t survive if it’s only one.

 

It is just as hard to let go as it is to hold on.

But letting go of you, if that is what I have to do, will get better over time and someone else can come into my life and fulfill me and give me the balance I want and need...

If I hold on I will always hurt and come to resent you and hate you if things don’t change. I do not want that to happen.

 

I don’t want to continue like this.

I don’t want to always hunger for your arms around me,

I don’t want to hunger for your love,

I don’t want to hunger for your touch or loving gaze.

I don’t want to hunger for you to treat me as the center of your desires.

I don’t want to hunger for your unconditional attention.

 

 

It’s up to you Charlie if you want me or not. If you do then you need to take responsibility for your part in this relationship or you need to cut me lose before I abandon you.

[Touche]

 

 

 

Either your girlfriend is fishing for you - WITHOUT you asking - Or something else is UP. WTF is she calling him for??? If that was my friend, I would be talking to her about that...

 

Pada, I really wouldn't give him any letter. Right now he is incapable of wanting to read, to understand where you are coming from. I think you giving it to him will hurt you more. Let it just be a vent.

 

Solution now is don't call him, let him call you. In a week if nothing has happened, take the ball into your own court, you tell him you're ending things because it's causing you too much pain. (or something like that.)

 

This can't go on for much longer, it's affecting you all the time and is distracting you.

 

 

I agree except for the part about calling him after a week of him not calling her to end it. Seems like if he hasn't called in a week, HE already ended it and she'll just look foolish. But otherwise totally agree with what you said here.

 

The letter should be a vent and nothing more.

[basscatcher]

I just wonder how it will go if/when he does call me.

Sunday night he was bubbly and happy and wanted to get together.

My guess is he will try do the same thinking I have mellowed out and will let it go now that he has punished me with no contact. Thinking he put fear in me to not act up again in a way he isn't comfortable with.

 

(I'm only speculating.)

[riobikini]

PadaM,

 

Sorry about getting back to you this late...I have work, children, school (mine & theirs) and somewhere in between all that I actually get to say 'hello' to myself, on some days.

 

(Smile)

 

I did read the letter.

 

Don't send a letter.

 

It's true they never read any further than the fist couple of tearful-sounding lines (maybe less) , and hit only, perhaps, the first page with a trained eye to scan for other words that support their decision not to read the whole thing.

 

They know it's all about them -something they have done- or not done, as well as all kinds of hurt that you are feeling, and they know that all through those pages, and pages of words, they are being accused of being the one responsible for hurting you.

 

One more reason to flee.

 

And they do, -as far from it as they can get.

 

B** did the same thing.

 

We (B** and I) talked on the phone and I broke the news in as decent a way, as I could, that I was seeing an end coming to our own relationship if things remained the same.

 

Of course, I did not put it that bluntly, but the point was clear, -even to B**.

 

Choosing to do this by phone was not a coward's way of doing it: there was an issue with distance and the fact we were many days away from seeing each other, and I needed to try to, at least, give him opportunity to know what I was thinking and for him to have the time he needed to think about it, too.

 

But the conversation and the 'open door' to do something about it, did not phase him, nor spur any movement to change..not even a speck in the right direction.

 

He simply lessened the frequency of his calling.

 

Then he told me of his plans to go skiing during the holidays with his family.

 

Obviously, at least, to me, he didn't care about dealing with anything.

 

As a matter of fact, I think he had also seen the end coming, perhaps, even sooner than I did, -because of the ease with which he took each of my stages of realization of the kind of relationship I was in.

 

You see, Pada, -he had already been this route, I strongly believe, many times.

 

I think he expected and, no doubt, had much more time than I did to prepare himself for my emotional closing out of the relationship, -never mind his own, because he wasn't emotionally invested with feelings even remotely similar to mine.

 

My emotional 'closing out' was only part of a cycle (of his) that I had been sucked into, under deceitful circumstances known all along, only to him -that is, until the end was near and they began to be clearer and clearer to me.

 

It appeared to me he was deliberately removing himself from the 'heat' of my presence and the obvious emotional fallout he knew was coming, -and, indeed, in reality, he was.

 

It was better for him, he realized -more comfortable- to be out of the way, so he distanced himself with the very handy excuse of holiday plans (lucky for him, -hey, -he would have had a tougher time with no holiday, but I'm sure he had a back-up plan for those kinds of circumstances, as well).

 

I gave it a couple of more tries, via email, -but no difference was made.

 

It was all the same to him.

 

He had already 'moved on', I believe, from the very first signs of my discontent.

 

It's amazing what clarity hindsight can give you.

 

I now see, where he must have monitored my emotional state all along to scan for my getting in too deep emotionally, and/or my suspicion of his intentions, my awakening to the reality of what our relationship really was, and my discontent and emotionally-induced attempts at 'correcting' the problems.

 

In other words, he was actually, a very skillful manipulator from the very beginning, -even engineering specific turns, dodging others, and carefully surveilling the whole thing like an eagle perched high enough above all the emotions so as not to get too involved and sucked into anything that would soil his glossy feathers.

 

I now, have very different views on any pity I might have had regarding, what I believed to be his 'put upon' and 'loveless' life.

 

I see it now, as a man who absolutely chooses to live as he does.

 

I feel that way, Pada, because, I truly believe that intelligent men (and women) can change their lives with effort, if it is important enough to them.

 

For my B**, nothing -or no one- was that important to him.

 

Least of all, me.

 

-Rio