Son wants to sleep in my bed since hubby moved

[Guest]

 

i am personally uncomfortable with the thought of a sexually-aware minor repeatedly sleeping in his mum's bed, but i'll trust that as the parent here, you want the best for your son.

 

 

there is a duty to ensure our present actions don't negatively affect their future as well, and however much you see your son as a child, he is a growing young man whose private thoughts you don't have access to.

 

Thanks BT,

 

Your points are well taken - I most definitely will keep in the forefront of my mind your thughts listed above.

 

Yes, I want the best for my son it is my job as a mom to be sure he will be the best person and citizen in the world as a contributing factor to society.

 

I would do anything not to affect him in any negative way ( or any child ). Of course, we don't have control over everything - everyday, but it is a good reminder when someone brings it to our attention.

 

Thanks for your post BT!

 

CG

[Touche]

In my opinion the best judge of her son's mental health is the OP herself...NOT a counselor. Some 14 year olds are emotionally immature and ALL 14 year olds ARE still CHILDREN.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by allowing him to stay with you occasionally. He will outgrow it in time, I'm sure. As he feels more secure and develops emotionally he will not have the need to be with you at night. If you don't allow it at all you risk making him even more insecure and needy.

 

I think you sound like a great mother...why change what you've been doing since your kids sound like they're developing into healthy and emotionally stable kids?

[clandestinidad]

This has been an interesting thread. Why not try laying in HIS bed for a bit when he needs some comfort? Or just giving him a good hug and saying that you love him and are proud of him?

 

I dont know if having him in your bed will harm him or developmentally delay him, b/c I'm not your son in the future. Everything effects everyone differently. This could stunt his emotional/bahavioral growth, but the split and divorce could too.

 

I will say that if I dated a guy that told me he used to sleep with him mommy at 14 and up, I would run far away fast. It would indicate security and bond issues that I would NOT be comfortable with.

[bluetuesday]

In my opinion the best judge of her son's mental health is the OP herself...NOT a counselor.

 

but that does not appear to be the OP's view. if cal gal thought her son was mentally healthy she wouldn't be sending him to a professional. however else we disagree, let's not pretend the kid doesn't have problems.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by allowing him to stay with you occasionally. He will outgrow it in time, I'm sure.

 

this is a hunch, nothing more. you don't know the kid. and since i don't either, i'd take the advice of someone who does know him. his counsellor.

 

As he feels more secure and develops emotionally he will not have the need to be with you at night.

 

this is another guess. you don't KNOW what a state this boy is in. as you say, he is an a developmental stage. can you consider the possibility that as an impressionable, sexually-maturing teenager, sleeping with his mommy might have an effect on that development that is more important and ultimately damaging than his current transient need to feel comfort? heck, we all like to be comforted in times of trouble. this is NOT the only way cal gal can do it.

 

your kids sound like they're developing into healthy and emotionally stable kids

 

healthy and emotionally stable kids don't need counselling.

[Touche]

but that does not appear to be the OP's view. if cal gal thought her son was mentally healthy she wouldn't be sending him to a professional. however else we disagree, let's not pretend the kid doesn't have problems.

 

 

 

this is a hunch, nothing more. you don't know the kid. and since i don't either, i'd take the advice of someone who does know him. his counsellor.

 

 

 

this is another guess. you don't KNOW what a state this boy is in. as you say, he is an a developmental stage. can you consider the possibility that as an impressionable, sexually-maturing teenager, sleeping with his mommy might have an effect on that development that is more important and ultimately damaging than his current transient need to feel comfort? heck, we all like to be comforted in times of trouble. this is NOT the only way cal gal can do it.

 

 

 

healthy and emotionally stable kids don't need counselling.

 

 

Well in my opinion, it doesn't sound like her son does need counseling. And if she really placed so much stock in what the counselor has to say then why is she ignoring him/her by allowing her son to stay with her on occasion? My guess is that she knows her son better than any professional could ever hope to know her son. She knows what is best for him.

[cal gal]

Well in my opinion' date=' it doesn't sound like her son does need counseling. And if she really placed so much stock in what the counselor has to say then why is she ignoring him/her by allowing her son to stay with her on occasion? My guess is that she knows her son better than any professional could ever hope to know her son. She knows what is best for him.[/quote']

 

 

Thanks for your support Touche'

 

XO

CG

[bluetuesday]

And if she really placed so much stock in what the counselor has to say then why is she ignoring him/her by allowing her son to stay with her on occasion?

 

in post #4 of this thread, cal gal said the counsellor was helping her son enormously, so she appears to support the fact he's going.

 

in posts #1 and #9, she said she feels mean saying no to him when he asks to climb into bed with her.

 

there's your answer.

 

My guess is that she knows her son better than any professional could ever hope to know her son. She knows what is best for him.

 

[Touche]

in post #4 of this thread, cal gal said the counsellor was helping her son enormously, so she appears to support the fact he's going.

 

in posts #1 and #9, she said she feels mean saying no to him when he asks to climb into bed with her.

 

there's your answer.

 

 

 

 

Of course it's my "guess." It's also the counselor's guess if you ask me. It's your "guess" as well.

 

As for her feelings of being mean when she says no to him, I've already stated that in my opinion, she feels mean because it goes AGAINST her instincts as a good mother to say no. She already knows the right answer...it's not what the counselor is telling her.

 

Oh and Cali, you're welcome. You really do sound like a good mother. You obviously know what you're doing given the comment about your kids by the counselor. So keeping going with your gut and keeping doing what you're doing.

[Outcast]

Don't you think if Cal Gal was so comfortable with the idea or truly in her heart of hearts thought it was perfectly fine that she would never ever have even thought to ask the question?

[Touche]

No, I don't. We parents (the good ones anyway) question many of our decisions where our children are concerned. That's one of the things that makes us GOOD parents.

[Curmudgeon]

I'll vouch for that. I have five children, all now grown, and I continue to question whether I sent them into the world as well prepared as I would have liked them to be.

 

Parenting is a lifelong obligation if you take it seriously and your children love and respect you and your opinion.

[Touche]

Exactly, Curmudgeon. I mean everyday I question so many decisions I have to make where my child is concerned. Were talking diet, homework (education) matters, leisure pursuits, even his clothes for the day! That's just how it is. Of course, someone who is not a parent wouldn't know this. This is "inside" information.

 

As far as the issue at hand, my stepson used to sometimes sit in my husband's lap when he was 12. I thought that was bizarre but then I realized that he had a lot of issues with being teased at school and insecurity issues. I even used to suggest to my husband that he stop letting him do that but he said no, my SS will stop when he's feeling secure. He was right.

 

He's almost 19 now and a very independent and successful college student.

 

My son used a pacifier until he was five. Yes, that's a little old to still be using one but we saw no harm in it. He stopped using it when he was ready. Many people advised us to take it away from him when he was three. He's almost 10 now and very secure in himself. He has lots of friends and is quite independent for his age.

 

All kids are different and grow up according to their OWN schedules not a counselor's and not even the parents'. We can "force" them to grow up in certain ways but if it's done prematurely we can cause more harm than good.

 

And I still stand by my thinking that it's creepy when people try to make this a sexual issue. A parent with her child! COME ON! I don't care if it's a child of the opposite sex. I don't care that he's fourteen. It's still a parent and her child for heaven's sakes!

[blind_otter]

I was sleeping in my parents bed after I was molested when I was 4. And again when I was raped when I was 12. They should have sent me to a therapist then, but they indulged my neediness because I was a girl, and only 12.

 

I think children very often either don't understand their own emotional landscape and lack the vocabulary to adequately describe their emotional states and lack the experience in understanding themselves. This is true up through adolesence considering the part of the brain that matures last, in the middle 20s. The challenges they face in their day to day life help to shape them into adults who can adequately cope with life as it is, having developed their own unique ways to handle things that may be overwhelming.

 

Sometimes an objective party can help determine if there's anything else going on that the parents may be unaware of.

 

Just my 2 cents, take it with a grain of salt.

[violet_21]

don't listen to Outcast, they are obnoxious -

 

I had this issue when I was small. Its best to try to get him back into his own bed. He may look back on it and feel weird.

 

Or, do this.. put pillows down the middle or give him his own blanket. Then, if he looks back it won't seem weird.

[sazzya1987]

My 14 year old son continues to try to come in and sleep with me since my husband moved.

 

I have explained to him that he needs to be in his own bed for his own comfort, privacy and emotional healing.

 

Just when things are going well - then he just comes in during the night time etc.

 

I feel so mean when I have to tell him to go back in his own bed and he's begging to lay down with me.

 

Yesterday - he was sick, so I let him sleep with me last night, so the vicous cycle starts again.

 

Any input and suggestions are appreciated.

This may not help or it might I don't know but this may be a little of how your son feels.

Since his dad has gone away, moved out he may be feeling emotional and to keep himself strong he probably wants to be around you because your his mum and he loves you very much and also feels he wants to keep you company maybe.

Since my dad 'left' I sometimes sleep with my mum at night. When it was very close to my dad leaving I stayed in my mums bed with my mum most nights to keep me and her company in our emotianal state that we were both feeling.

If its recent event that his dad has left then it might be feeling quite emotional and upset and may feel better to join you in bed. After a while when he starts to accept his dad has gone he may join you less and less in bed. I have got to being less and less in bed with my mum, but i do still join her every now again when I feel very sad and lonley.