Son wants to sleep in my bed since hubby moved

[whichwayisup]

Trust me on this one, it will be a learned behaviour that will be harder to break later on if he is allowed to sleep in his mom's bed. Sure, at that particular moment he will feel safe and secure, but he won't be learning how to calm himself down and learn how to handle that fear and/or anxiety on his own, in his room.

 

This doesn't mean she can't check on him or even lay down with him for afew mins in his bed, that is OK - But continuing to let him sleep in her bedroom isn't helping him in the long term.

 

A_C is right, if the T has told her he should sleep on his own, then he should just that.

[tweldy]

Its probably true that people would get incensed over the thought of a 14 year old daughter crawling into bed with a single father. I actually find that people getting outraged as **MUCH** more disturbing than the act itself. Healthy people have no sexual attraction to their own children; they are repulsed by the idea. Do people really think that men are so incapable of controlling their sexual urges that their own daughter in danger if the crawl into their bed?

 

If you have some serious psychological impairment, or childhood abuse, obviously this creates a different scenario. I do see it as good to work on the child's mental health and encourage them to sleep in their own bed, its part of growing up, and a 14 year old shouldn't need to do this. About that, I have no questions. However, I don't see the act of crawling in bed with the parent as anything other than a symptom of deeper problems and, in of itself, not harmful, barring some reasonable evidence to the contrary.

[Art_Critic]

Do people really think that men are so incapable of controlling their sexual urges that their own daughter in danger if the crawl into their bed?

 

It's not about sexual urges or incest.. It is about boundaries and privacy for the growth of the young ones

 

If a 14 year old daughter was sleeping with her father.. fine.. but how does he explain the raging hardon that he has when he wakes up and she sees his pup tent...

 

The privacy needs to be there in order for certain things that might happen don't..

 

And as a young adult they are growing and learning what is appropiate behavior..

 

If a 14 year old girl grew up sleeping with her dad just think how much difficulty she will have forming relationships with the oppposite sex..

 

Does she sleep with all men then ?? why not ?

 

Can you now start to see where the damage comes in ?? Forming relationships with the opposite sex can be affected

[Becoming]

There are gonna be ISSUES if this is allowed to go on.

 

I have a male cousin, only child, whose father left due to infidelity and who was subsequently very close to mom. It's telling that now here he is in his 30's, one divorce under his belt and another promising relationship failed because this woman said if they were to get married, his mother would probably go on their honeymoon.

 

I think CalGal wants to be a good mom without that scenario happening, and yet without abandoning her child in a time of need. And it's a tough call, but my inclination would be definitely not to make it a habit and start transitioning him into sleeping on his own even when scared. AC raises some interesting issues as well (pun intended).

[TeaCooler]

There are gonna be ISSUES if this is allowed to go on.

 

 

i agree.

 

and i agree with outcast on this one also. she said it before i could.

[tweldy]

If a 14 year old daughter was sleeping with her father.. fine.. but how does he explain the raging hardon that he has when he wakes up and she sees his pup tent...

 

As if she's going to go spelunking in the blankets to see what she can find... I guess if you're so well hung you can pinch major canvas with the comforter then *could* be an issue. For the 99.99999 percent of us that aren't, I think we're in the clear on this issue!

 

 

The privacy needs to be there in order for certain things that might happen don't..

 

Such as?

 

 

And as a young adult they are growing and learning what is appropiate behavior..

 

During times of crisis like, essentially losing a family member, even though temporarily, in an excrutiating breakup, I think a little leeway is in order. Not in my experience, but it sounds pretty freakin' brutal on a kid.

 

 

If a 14 year old girl grew up sleeping with her dad just think how much difficulty she will have forming relationships with the oppposite sex..

 

I'm implying suggesting it be done consistently, this seems to be a phenomena that's happened a few times as a result of a major trauma.

 

 

Does she sleep with all men then ?? why not ?

 

Now you're being silly. A parent is clearly a different person to a child than everyone else on the planet.

 

 

Can you now start to see where the damage comes in ?? Forming relationships with the opposite sex can be affected

 

If you take the case where the child sleeps every night with parent until they're 33, I would say that's probably not a good plan. If its a couple times when they're 14 through a tough time in their lives, its probably not an issue. I woudl suspect there to be a non-zero level of incidence in this occurence which is not hurtful.

[Outcast]

It wasn't 'a couple times'. It has become a habit. And even the therapist says it has to stop.

[Touche]

Its probably true that people would get incensed over the thought of a 14 year old daughter crawling into bed with a single father. I actually find that people getting outraged as **MUCH** more disturbing than the act itself. Healthy people have no sexual attraction to their own children; they are repulsed by the idea. Do people really think that men are so incapable of controlling their sexual urges that their own daughter in danger if the crawl into their bed?

 

If you have some serious psychological impairment, or childhood abuse, obviously this creates a different scenario. I do see it as good to work on the child's mental health and encourage them to sleep in their own bed, its part of growing up, and a 14 year old shouldn't need to do this. About that, I have no questions. However, I don't see the act of crawling in bed with the parent as anything other than a symptom of deeper problems and, in of itself, not harmful, barring some reasonable evidence to the contrary.

 

Very well said. I totally agree with you.

[beth1.8T]

this may be different because i am a girl, but when my parents got divorced i was in sixth grade and started sleeping with my mom in her bed. it made me feel a lot better and to me it felt like i was comforting HER not her comforting me.

 

AND..

 

after she met her boyfriend that she has now still and he began living with us, he worked third shift and i still slept int he bed with her. rigght up until 8th grade. it sounds nerdy, but i loved it.

 

maybe it was just her WARM waterbed too....

 

but that may help from a 'child's' perspective.

[Outcast]

But you, Beth, are a girl. Had you been in bed with your dad, people would flip right out - as they should.

[beth1.8T]

yeah i know thats what i was thinking. but actually.

when my dad moved out i used to sleep in his room with him, not his bed, but still.

 

i think its true that any healthy minded person will have no ideas of incest with their daughter or daughter with their father. i just think that media, movies, and other scandals have gotten into peope's heads way to much and that a son sleeping with his mom in her bed is not wrong. he slept in her womb for nine months and thats not wrong. that is just my opinion and i dont need people jumping on it and telling me its wrong. im just saying that it isn't wrong and that a mother son relationship is healthy and platonic. no reason to go head over heels and have terrible thoughts about it.

[Outcast]

It's not about the parent's thoughts and feelings. It's about young people in puberty possibly getting confused about being in a bed with someone of the opposite gender - even though it is a parent.

[MusicWoman]

i just keep thinking of freud...and thats creeping me out

 

No to the bed sleeping

[tinktronik]

This is a question of comfort and security. It's not about sex. As has been pointed out, no one would say a thing if this was a daughter. Why should there be a difference? As long as it's not a habit, I see nothing wrong with it. And it's not out of the blue. Your husband, his father, just left. He's still a CHILD who needs his mother's comfort.

 

What is so wrong with letting him stay in your bed once in a while until he feels secure again? Pop some popcorn, put the tv on. Watch a little TV, kiss him goodnight. What's the big deal? That's called being a good mother. Your guilt in saying no, should tell you that it's the wrong thing to do. He needs you now. Like I said though, just don't make it a habit. That's not good for a child of ANY age or sex.

 

 

Touche' , I absolutley agree on this one with you .This is not about sex . Cal gal has clearly stated that her son says hes scared and hes having a hard time with his parents divorce. Think about how any of you felt at the end of a marrige , BLINDSIGHTED , how then is this 14 y/o boy whos male role model left , must feel.

I have three boys , I know you don't let them sleep with you in bed , but occasionally there is nothing wrong with it. If it was a daughter whos mother left and she was freaked out and wanted to be close with her dad to reasure herself that he was still there for her, it would be the same . This is this persons child , not the neighbors kid ! CalGal who cares that this society minght get a little edgy over a 14 y/o boy sleeping in his moms bed occasionally after his dad left. There fear of his burdgeoning sexuality is their own kink , not yours. Your son is still a child comfort him the same way you would a daughter.

[cal gal]

I am allowing it at times but not very often.

 

Seems when I give in I feel like I shouldn't oly because I am acutley aware that it can't become a habit.

 

The reason why the counselor says to make him sleep in his own bed is to learn how to comfort himself. I do agree to a certain point, but at that age a child still needs his mom and to know she cares and will comfort him...

 

That is why I feel torn sometimes.

 

I gave in a few days this week because he was sick...

[tweldy]

Re: i just keep thinking of freud...and thats creeping me out

 

I have a second solution: stop thinking about Freud.

[tweldy]

Re:

It's about young people in puberty possibly getting confused about being in a bed with someone of the opposite gender - even though it is a parent.

 

So you should **not** camp in the same tent as a your opposite gender teenager? Or do sleeping bags provide some 'special' protection against 'confusion'? If that's the case, pitch a tent in the backyard and sleep there with both your kids. That would be fun. Well, maybe a little cold this time of year...

[cal gal]

shouldn't be a problem - king size bed - tell him - if you are here I will kiss you goodnight as usual and say a prayer with you.... but I need to sleep, so stay on your own side of the bed!

 

My bedroom is big, about 25' X 25' so the nature of the feel in the room is not closed in.

 

although - sometimes he holds my hand as we go to sleep...

 

don't know if he needs me or i need him, maybe just comfort without crossing the boundary line....

[Outcast]

Hey - don't come whining back here when he can't develop normal relationships with girls because 'nobody's as great as my mom'.

 

At 14 he is not a child. I promise you this.

[cal gal]

Hey - don't come whining back here when he can't develop normal relationships with girls because 'nobody's as great as my mom'.

 

At 14 he is not a child. I promise you this.

 

 

Oh my god Outcast,

 

If you could live in my house for ONE day you would never want to leave.

 

IT IS HEALTHY, fair for my kids, productive, inspiring, organized, fun loving

(got five kids over right now watching a movie downstairs - popcorn, homemade cookies) always happy to have kids here as long as they are a good choice. My boys seem to usually do that.

 

A NORMAL relationship? you ask? My boys are so well balanced - the counselor told me that in 30 years of practice - she would place my boys ethics and logics and emotional reasoning in the top five kids she's seen over thousands of patients. To say the least, they have been strong and amazing.

 

Outcast, you need to lighten up a bit honey, I was only asking for a bit of perspective and input - not for you to bite my head off and throw it in the garbage.

 

You have NO idea how amazing my boys have been - and how supportive we have all been to each other since my husband left, we were married 20 years.

 

I KNOW it's not perfect or great when they sleep with me once in a great while - I was just looking for some perspective as a mom that had kids sick for a week -(that makes any gal question decisions).

 

I see your response Outcast as snippy and snide!

 

Please, if you intend to give me advice - don't try to take me down - it doesn't help!

 

Recomendations or humor will work for me.

[Curmudgeon]

A lot of that has to do with the child's maturity level as well as the relationship with the parent.

 

A 14-year old is still a child and when one parent has left, a possible impact could be wanting to stay close to the other parent for fear that they'll disappear into the night.

 

It may not be a perfect situation or your cup-o-tea but I can understand the child's emotional fragility.

[Curmudgeon]

It has everything to do with the relationship between the parent and child as well as the trust and what boundaries have been established.

[cal gal]

A lot of that has to do with the child's maturity level as well as the relationship with the parent.

 

A 14-year old is still a child and when one parent has left, a possible impact could be wanting to stay close to the other parent for fear that they'll disappear into the night.

 

It may not be a perfect situation or your cup-o-tea but I can understand the child's emotional fragility.

 

 

my stb xhusband lives two blocks away, so no need for them to be feeling abandoned or like things aren't consistent; we have made a point not to argue or raise our voices as decisions need to be made for the best choices and future for the boys.

 

they do know neither one of us will be antwhere but close by.

 

their emotional state seems to be anything but fragile, but as a

Mom - i always have my antennae and my guard up for their well being, productivity and happiness.

 

just trying to keep things as normal as i can - for familiarity and comfort zone mode.....

[Curmudgeon]

Although the father is close, he's not as close or constant as he was when you shared a household. I'm sure that causes a lot of emotional tumult. I know that all five of my children were affected by the divorce, including the three adult ones. It took a few years for everything to settle down and settle in for them.

 

Unfortunately, their mother's bitterness didn't help. My anger at it didn't help either.

[bluetuesday]

firstly, whether or not your teenage son sleeps with you ISN'T a conversation you should be having with him in the middle of the night. of course when he's standing there in his pyjamas you feel sorry for him.

 

sort it out in daylight, tell him your view and stick to it. what a child or teenager needs when their world has turned upside down through something like divorce, is definite boundaries they can be sure of and that don't change.

 

he has enough uncertainty in his life. and with the best will in the world, in this instance you're not offering your son a definite answer. he knows he can get you to change your mind if he keeps pushing. you need to be strong and decide one way or the other.

 

now, to the actual question. this is a rough one. the kid has been through a lot and has some pretty major issues with the divorce and how helpless that has made him feel.

 

i am personally uncomfortable with the thought of a sexually-aware minor repeatedly sleeping in his mum's bed, but i'll trust that as the parent here, you want the best for your son.

 

the problem is, he won't always be 14. what if he's still asking in two years' time? if it's not wrong now, will it not be wrong then? he'll still be your child. and what if he asks AFTER he loses his virginity?

 

i know you are not viewing this at all as a sexual issue. but if you WOULD see it differently if he was older or sexually active, it IS a sexual issue. at least partly. there is a line, you know there is, and you ought to careful, IMO, not to solve one problem by potentially causing another.

 

i have seen no evidence (and i've searched the 'net for it) to back up the position that it's helpful to let a teenager sleep with you just because they ask to. the majority of the evidence (barring the link outcast sent) seems to be about young children - which would at least suggest that teenagers wanting to sleep with their parents is pretty unusual.

 

i would hazard a guess that in most people's opinion, it's a given that teenagers don't sleep with their parents. parental responsibility isn't limited to the problem at hand. there is a duty to ensure our present actions don't negatively affect their future as well, and however much you see your son as a child, he is a growing young man whose private thoughts you don't have access to.

 

you cannot be 100 per cent sure that at a time your son's sexuality is maturing, it doesn't get even slightly bent out of shape by having his mum's warm body sleeping next to him. i don't care how abhorrent that thought is, you CANNOT be sure. if there is a chance any action you take could become habit-forming, unhealthy or have a long-term negative effect, you need to think very carefully before taking it.

 

i'm not a counsellor, but your son's counsellor, the person whose only job it is to determine and protect his mental health, thinks it's a bad idea for this particular son to sleep with you. therefore, as far as we can determine, in his case, it's a bad idea.

 

i really don't think you need more evidence than that.