Walk Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I was reading through all these posts, and wondered if it wouldn't be helpful to Charlie if Pada was able to give him more definite keys on what affectionate symbols would mean the most to her. ie. Would taking her hand in public show her he loves her and thinks she is special? Working within his comfort zone as much as possible. But it might make it easier on him during this time, if he had specific ways in which he knew he could make her happier, and feel loved. It might cut down on his level of stress if he knew that holding her hand under the table would reassure her.... Specific, preplanned ideas for him to implement and fall back on during times that he is on more of an emotional roller coaster then normal. It's not terribly romantic or impulsive, but sometimes we need to be direct in what we need. Like couples fitting sex into their weekly calendars and planning the day and time. It might not be romantic, but it will keep the connection and love alive until the couple has a little less stress and less going on in their lives. But I think it would have to be a comprimise between Pada and Charlie. Closer to her minimum, and higher to his max comfort zone, in order for it to work. Just a suggestion... not sure if it would work in your situation or not. I hope I'm not over stepping my bounds in suggesting this either. My other thought is that (she would have to communicate this to him up front), if Charlie understands that Pada is attempting to find ways in which to minimize his stress, while fulfilling the minimum of her needs, it would create more confidence in him that she can be trusted to not only take his feelings and life into consideration, but also prove she can be counted on to find solutions to problems that he doesn't necessarily have the time, nor energy to focus on at the moment. And potentially gain her the higher level of affection later on that she desires when his life is on a more even keel. But this would have to be communicated to him.
Author basscatcher Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 I have peered in on some of the No Contact threads. I wonder if Charlies idea of no contact is good concerning his X. He has been with me for almost 5 months and he hasn't spoken to her in about 4 months. She is beginning to pick up the frequency of trying to contact him. I thought last night he needed to confront her and tell her to back off but as I read some of the others posts on this subject matter I wonder if it would be a bad idea. Being she is so unstable and all
blind_otter Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 My experience with unstable ex's is not a good one since he's still unstable and obsessed with me.
Walk Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 It took me over a year of no contact to get my exH to realize that we were over. A year from the date of the divorce papers. He would call all the time. I changed my number, my address, my job. The one time I contacted him to attempt to make him stop stalking me, it only seemed to drive him to contact me more. It's only been 4 months. She'll get more and more frantic, but I really don't think it would be a good idea for him to confront her.
Author basscatcher Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 Walk-- I have communicated directly this. I asked him to hug me more. It is up to him now to put that effort so I can feel his connection to me other then just being in the same room. There is no problem in the realm of sex... But I need more then just a sexual connection. I want a caring, loving hug from time to time when we are together. I think if he implements this he will grow habitual of it and it will be natural then we can work on another step. Slowly until my needs are basically met. He will get less stress from me if he reassured me of his interest in me and I knew he was making little progress in his dealing with past hurts. B_O that is my concern if she is so pscho unstable will she always be a thron to us whether he confronts her or not??? Will she back off. It took my XH a year to back off from his xgf (my freind now) he finally made progress last week and told me he was possibly moving and he didn't want her to know where and that he called her and told her he is relocating. She thinks he lost his job and is moving out of state.. hahaha I know he isn't but I wont tell her that even if she is my friend because she feeds off his drama and if he isn't bugging her once inawhile she will stir the pot. I nicknamed her Drama Queen and she calls me Diva ... Can you see why?
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Then he needs to change his phone number and make sure it's unlisted. Block her IM's/email too. Or he can create a new username online and a new email too. I don't know what is right or wrong here. It is different with each person and each situtation. I can see why he is so stressed out though, which ofcourse stresses you out too. Starters. Charlie is DEAD SET against me EVER meeting her. He said it wouldn't be good. There is nothing I can do for her. She is a big girl and she use to have a therapist. She apparently chose not to utilize him. Charlie and I talked about her seeing us together and he said that may not be a good thing for her mentally or emotionally because she is easily unbalanced. If I could help her I would I AM that type of person. (ex: my XH Xgf is one of my closest friends.. because of mutual ground of dealing with him.) Charlie also wants NO contact with her at this time. He is hoping she will just go away. but I think he is dreaming so I guess I need to step back and let him learn a lesson. I warned him already. It just may be enough for her to see wtf reality IS though. She has problems, but she isn't stupid. She uses her depression, OCD to her advantage and probably does some manipulating too. Which is why he is having a hard time and worrying if they do talk face to face she'll guilt him. Well, he has to eventually s*** or get off the pot. This woman IS NOT his responsibility and the sooner he sees this, deals with it (by ending with her, or seeking a restraining order IF need be) the sooner you two can go on with life.
blind_otter Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 The state attorney told me to not ever talk to my ex. That talking to him would only fuel his delusional behavior. It's been over a year since he last laid eyes on me - December of 2004.... He has some delusional disorder that he's been diagnosed with and he still calls. The one time I DID pick up the phone, he acted as if we were still in a relationship and told me he couldn't wait to see me when he gets out. I feel sick. I'm going home! Prayers for ya, pad.
Author basscatcher Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 WWIU-- He cant change his number. He has two numbers that both connect into his cell phone. He has no house phone. He has had these numbers for over 20 years. He is self employeed and these numbers represent his business with is bobcat work. He is listed in phone books, etc etc.. It is impossible for him to change numbers. Also, he is computer illiterate to the point he doesn't even know how to turn one on.., ((I plan to teach him when I get the chance...haha)) I do agree he needs to get over this. I told him that last night and he said he knows. He asked me to be patient and said he is working on it and dealing with it. Right now it is hard because she is calling so much. He admitted one moment he wonders if they can be freinds then the majority of the time he knows it is impossible with her.. So I hope the majority holds up and wins because I told him straight out. "I WILL NOT TOLERATE HER BEING IN OUR LIVES.." I told him I WILL be gone... He then got quiet.. I made it known I will not let him use me as a doormat nor will I let him take advantage of me and take me for granted.. So I laid down a rule. I am not overkilling him with rules and have toos but there are some dealbreakers and I am making them clear....
Becoming Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Good for you, Pada! Psychos who've had a really hard life are tough to deal with, but at some point we all have to be responsible for our own behavior, and we do such folks no favors in not being straight-up with them and shunning them so that they deal with their own stuff. It's a little different, but I had a stalker student who even after leaving school still contacted me. (Still does as a matter of fact, but by fwding emails). I had to clearly tell her what was and was not appropriate because I think given her history she didn't really know. Not that it worked . . . but she's not following my every move now. Be patient and keep attending to your own feelings. You're doing good. And you're getting good advice. Back off a bit now and let him deal with things so he can move fwd with you unimpeded by past stuff.
Author basscatcher Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 Becoming--you have much wisdom in your words concerning my situation as well as Art_Critic. You two have really impacted me these few days.. Charlie is so different now. I can hear it is his voice. He is alive, peppie, happy, he sounds like he is once again happy to communicate with me and have me in his life.. What a change.. Could allowing him to vent his frustrations, feelings, thoughts and situation made a difference?? He really blew the other night and I took the brunt of it all. I let it be that night and the next night I was allowed to straighten out his beliefs and tell him what REALLY was going on.. I've never handled a man in this manner before and wow he is acting so different from what I expected..
Art_Critic Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Charlie is so different now. I can hear it is his voice. He is alive, peppie, happy, he sounds like he is once again happy to communicate with me and have me in his life.. What a change.. Killer....I'm glad that you were able to find a medium that worked.. that is what matters..
Becoming Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Yeah, those of us who are hyper-emotional have to learn to back off a bit so as not to overwhelm (I'm with ya here on this one, Pada--believe me! ) When we do and approach the situation calmly and rationally, it's amazing. I can hardly believe the change I've seen in my H since we read and talked about these two threads from LS together: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77122/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t76951/ Somehow, having something objective external to us to look at and discuss together really helped. He's not much of a reader of self-help kinds of stuff, but we took a laptop to a coffe shop and made a night of it looking at these two threads and discussing the pertinent posts, talking until they threw us out. I began to understand what it is he needed and what I had been doing wrong. I'd basically been hitting him with an emotional 2 x 4, which made him run. Duh! So I've been taking a lot of that advice to heart, and, girl, it's worked like magic! Glad you went through this to really look at yourself and your reactions instead of focusing on his. That's real growth in you! And LS helps immensely, doesn't it!
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Once in a while a good dose of really opening up, intense talking really makes two people closer and whatever stresses and yuk feelings disappear like a huge weight off the shoulders. I'm sure that he how he feels right now. As do you too!! Keep the faith, keep happy and enjoy life as it is. Don't stress out about ANYTHING outside the relationship (the ex) because neither of you have control over it.
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