SmoochieFace Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Not 3 months-- 5 months on the 6th I am a intense and deep person. I am not shallow and I take relationships with my heart and soul. My friendships are the same.. I am not a shallow person. I am very in touch with my feelings. I have spent my life so far looking in myself and trying to understand my feelings and who I am. Touchy-Feely people generally are very compassionate and heartfelt people.. I can say this with much confidence because I am one of them.. That is one thing people have appreciated about me when they get to know me if they aren't afraid of feelings and truth.. I am honest and I feel deeply for people I care about.... I may get scared of my feelings sometimes and they may confuse me but I am very much in touch with them and I WONT refuse them, neglect them, try to defuse them. or change them... They ARE real and they tell me the truth when I figure them out.. But he isn't like YOU. THAT is the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Pada.. If you give him the letter what will happen if he doesn't react in a manner that you are expecting him too? To me a letter like this is setting expectations all over the place.. How about a heart to heart talk where you read the ltter to him or say to him the basic same stuff that is in the letter ? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Maybe I just want Pad to be happy! I agree it is too soon to send a letter like that BUT their relationship has been intence from the off! Pad is Pad and she has her way of doing things ...... She needs to address this with him in her own way and deal with the repercussions. He has to know how she feels or nothing will change as he will not know! Pad will have many hills to climb with this man - She has to get this out in the open and express herself in a way she feels comfortable. Send the letter .... That letter represents who you are and your true feelings! Thats my two cents anyways! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Maybe I just want Pad to be happy! I agree it is too soon to send a letter like that BUT their relationship has been intence from the off! Pad is Pad and she has her way of doing things ...... She needs to address this with him in her own way and deal with the repercussions. He has to know how she feels or nothing will change as he will not know! Pad will have many hills to climb with this man - She has to get this out in the open and express herself in a way she feels comfortable. Send the letter .... That letter represents who you are and your true feelings! Thats my two cents anyways! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I want her to be happy too.. The rub comes from the fact she is trying to unload a letter full of emotion and mush on a guy that by her own admission doesn't show emotions. He is going to miss the whole point of the letter and not get it.. In order to reach him she needs to use a venue that he can understand... Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Pada, you've put so much effort into writing this letter, thinking that if you can find the right words, Charlie will read it and say "OMG, so that's what I've been doing wrong!" The lightbulb shines bright over his head and suddenly the two of you are strolling down a sandy beach, holding hands, and saying I love you over and over for the remainder of your lives. Pada, it's not going to happen. He may read the whole thing, most likely he'll skim through it looking for the one phrase that will piss him off. When he gets to the end, there will be no revelation. He'll probably just be annoyed with the whole situation. He will never understand what you need because he can't. That's not the way he is and nothing you say no matter how many times is going to make him understand. Either accept the way he is or walk away. You have to stop trying to convince this man that your views are correct. You're wasting your breath on him. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Maybe I just want Pad to be happy! Well, that's all good and fine but your *wanting* isn't going to help Pada decide if this man is worth struggling for. They really are quite different from each other and all the *wanting* in the world isn't going to change that... unless either Charlie or Pada get a brain transplant. BUT their relationship has been intence from the off! Indeed it has. As I have said before the hotter they burn the quicker they burn out - and that is what seems to be happening as we speak. He has to know how she feels or nothing will change as he will not know! This is my biggest *beef* with this - this idea that somehow she is all *good* and HE is the one who must change. Why is that? This letter just sounds like a simple ultimatum if you delete all the fluffy lovey stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Yeah I agree Art - If she could read it to him that would be great BUT she already said he wouldnt listen! SHe has to do the right thing for herself and Pad is a pen to paper person, Charlie will know this too Pad, just be prepared for it to maybe not go the way you hoped! Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Honey, I am verbose as they come, and I couldn't get through all the letter with clear comprehension. EDIT your thoughts. Keep the focus on the end and what you need from him, what you feel. Don't presume he's feeling/thinking anything. (oops I didn't mean that the way it could sound. I know he's not empty-headed! But you get the gist.) I have written letters like this to my poor H and it's just freaked him out. If I write anything about what I've assumed about what's going on in his interior, he justifiably gets pissed. How dare I muck about with muddy boots on in his mind? I WOULDN'T give him the letter. He won't read it; Art's right. The letter is good for you to clarify what it is you really want to communicate to him and stay on task. But I would simply tell him this issue is a deal-breaker for you. Because it is. Are you really ready to walk away, or are you trying to manipulate him? (she said kindly as a perpetrator of this in the past to absolutely no avail.) Short, sweet, orally, and to the point. With actions to back up words. Anything else is a waste of energy. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 He may read the whole thing, most likely he'll skim through it looking for the one phrase that will piss him off. When he gets to the end, there will be no revelation. He'll probably just be annoyed with the whole situation. Hey Lonestar .. you just described me when my Exwife gave me a letter to read.. I got quite a few of them.. I used to let them sit on my desk for a day or 2 till she asked me about them 2-3 times then i would skim them.. My exwife used to write them to manipulate me into something when all else failed. But she was a different Animal than Pada is.. My ex was nuts Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Hey Lonestar .. you just described me when my Exwife gave me a letter to read.. I got quite a few of them.. I used to let them sit on my desk for a day or 2 till she asked me about them 2-3 times then i would skim them.. My exwife used to write them to manipulate me into something when all else failed. But she was a different Animal than Pada is.. My ex was nuts I used to write my ex long dumb emails trying to "make" him understand He repeatedly told me that he skimmed through them, and it would piss me off because I put so much heart into writing them. He was not an expressive person and for him words from the heart was more unecessary chatter and noise. I failed to see that. With him, silence would have had a greater effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 This is my biggest *beef* with this - this idea that somehow she is all *good* and HE is the one who must change. Why is that? This letter just sounds like a simple ultimatum if you delete all the fluffy lovey stuff I didnt mean that no one else wants her to be happy - I re-read that and it sounded like an attack, it was not meant that way I didnt mean that he was wrong, I meant that he has to know what she needs - Then it is up to him to decide of he can be that way or not! If something Pad did upset him and made him feel like he may not be able to be with her, wouldnt it be better that he told her so she had a chance to decide if it is something she could change? You cannot change someones basic personality but you can tell them what you need, if you dont then you will let go of something that may have stood a chance! She IS giving him an ultimatum, She is letting him know her need to feel loved and her need for touch is so important that she will be miserable about it and inevitably it will cause the death of their relationship. I think the outcome will not be pleasing to Pad but she has to deal with this at some point and better she does it now, early enough into the realtionship, she is miserable and will remain so until she feels secure! Its her makeup, we are all different. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I used to write my ex long dumb emails trying to "make" him understand He repeatedly told me that he skimmed through them, and it would piss me off because I put so much heart into writing them. My ex-wife was an english major and wanted to be a journalist so writing was in her blood. She used to write me letters with her thought and grievances and whatnot.... Anyway...so after we seperated and I filed for divorce she mailed me what had to be a 15 page letter from Toronto. I opened it, read the first paragraph and then put it back in the large manila envelope and tossed it in the garbage dumpster outside. I did not have the time or patience to revisit all that bullkrap.... The next time she called me a few wks later she asked what I though of the letter. I said I threw it out without reading it and she went ballistic. f*** her! Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I didnt mean that he was wrong, I meant that he has to know what she needs - Then it is up to him to decide of he can be that way or not! What about HIS needs? This seems to be just all about her... the hell with what Charlie needs, right? And he cannot just *decide* whether to be a certain way or not. That is just plain ignorant to think that he can change on a dime - not that he should change in the first place. Ahhh, wonderful. Back to another installment of *Manipulative Women*... Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Hey Mr Angry Smooch! Not ALL women are maniulative!!!!!!!!!!! She has to tell him what she wants - She is not having fun and he needs to know about it so this can be sorted one way or another! That is not called manipulation, she isnt telling him she wants it now or else! Maybe the letter is not a good idea but Pad knows him and she knows how best to deal with him - He wont listen to her words and he may not read her letter (He probably wont) but she has to try! She is unhappy! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 And Smooch we are not here discussing how Charlie feels we are here helping Pad with how she feels - Let him start his own post if he needs advise! Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 You all have a good and valid point.. I am "OVERKILL" in emotions and words and some men do 'puke' with touchy feely stuff. I have tried to talk to him about all this but when the topic comes up 'which he points out' he get stuck on the issues in the past before I figued out what was bothering me. He goes off on a tangent about me thinking he is interested in my gfs instead of me or that he wants one of his female friends instead of me.. That is the old questions I asked.. I am past those thoughts but he isn't .. He still resorts to those questions thinking they are the ones and they aren't I've come to terms about those ideas and have dismissed them... This is new stuff I have come to KNOW is the problem. It is not a fog to me anymore... When I try to talk to him he just wants to defend himself, correct my old thinking and have me listen to him confess to me that he isn't interested in them and that they are JUST friends.. So instead of arguing with him I just shut up and let him rant to get it off his chest and then I dont dare open my mouth because by then I feel like shyt and he is emotionally exhausted and we don't want to talk to each other anymore for the night.. That is why I feel writing a letter will get the Correct words across to him.. I open my mouth and he jumps to old stuff.. He isnt being receptive to the new awareness.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 My ex-wife was an english major and wanted to be a journalist so writing was in her blood. She used to write me letters with her thought and grievances and whatnot.... Anyway...so after we seperated and I filed for divorce she mailed me what had to be a 15 page letter from Toronto. I opened it, read the first paragraph and then put it back in the large manila envelope and tossed it in the garbage dumpster outside. I did not have the time or patience to revisit all that bullkrap.... The next time she called me a few wks later she asked what I though of the letter. I said I threw it out without reading it and she went ballistic. f*** her! haha, this is why I have given up letter writing for the rest of my life. I also admit that I've been on the receiving end of these types of letters and they only served to push me away further. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Hey Mr Angry Smooch! Not ALL women are maniulative!!!!!!!!!!! Of course not. But Pada is being manipulative with her letter. She has to tell him what she wants - She is not having fun and he needs to know about it so this can be sorted one way or another! That is not called manipulation, she isnt telling him she wants it now or else! Maybe the letter is not a good idea but Pad knows him and she knows how best to deal with him - He wont listen to her words and he may not read her letter (He probably wont) but she has to try! She is unhappy! The guy is not gonna do a 180. And even if he did he will be resentful and bitter towards her. Ask yourself... would YOU want someone to demand that you change and be someone you aren't? Get real, Lishy. Pada does have a choice. She can stop being unhappy by leaving Charlie if he isn't *doing it* for her. She bears some responsibility in this just as well. Why stay in the situation if it isn't working? She isn't married to the dude fer Chrissakes! They both have it quite easy. No need for lawyers and divorce court... she can just give him all the junk he bought her and be done with it. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 And Smooch we are not here discussing how Charlie feels we are here helping Pad with how she feels - Let him start his own post if he needs advise! Yeah, well, he IS a half of the relationship, no? So his concerns are just as valid. And do you REALLY think he's gonna sign on here and read this thread? There is so much *Anti-Charlie* bias going on here he will barely stand a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 haha, this is why I have given up letter writing for the rest of my life. I also admit that I've been on the receiving end of these types of letters and they only served to push me away further. Letters are good when you know you have an audience.. And sometimes reading the letters can be better as well.. I had a marriage counselor suggest that we both write letters to each other and then read the others out loud.. I think this type of deal can work because it changes the focus. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Smooch, if my guy told me that he was really struggling with how I am not affectionate enough in public, and it was a thing I could not change then I would tell him so and we could both go off and find like minded people and we could be happier in the long run. If he didnt tell me and I didnt have a chance to think about if I could change that aspect then that would be a shame. I agree that Pada should make it short and sweet if she sends a letter, but that isnt Pada. She expresses herself with lots of emotive words and that is just the way she is. Like he may not be able to change, nor can she! SO she has to do this her way. At least she is dealing with it and not hiding it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author basscatcher Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 Charlie has shared with me that he was very loving and affectionate with his XW. She was the distant one. She is the one who strayed in their marriage after 13 yrs. Then he got involved with a woman who didn't want to be touched unless sheasked him too.. Now he is with me.. I want the loving and affectionate side of him. The last woman was so hard and callus she trained him to be cold and to handle not being able to touch or be touched.. I know he has it in him. I have witnessed it in my own experience with him.. But I feel and believe he is afraid to open up to that vulnerability again. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 You are all saying not to bother and to just walk away, surely she should give him the chance before she walks? Pad are you sure that his feeling towards you have not changed? Is that a possibility? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 When I try to talk to him he just wants to defend himself, correct my old thinking and have me listen to him confess to me that he isn't interested in them and that they are JUST friends.. So instead of arguing with him I just shut up and let him rant to get it off his chest and then I dont dare open my mouth because by then I feel like shyt and he is emotionally exhausted and we don't want to talk to each other anymore for the night.. I totally do this too. I just give up. I figure it's not worth it to just be right. Link to post Share on other sites
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