Wife gets furious (and sometimes physically violent) when I ask innocuous questions

[littlekitty]

Having read the rest of the thread (eager poster ) I'm tending to agree.

 

But what an awful situation. He clearly wants to help her see her problem, but he can't force her, and it seems she isn't willing.

 

I have to agree with the other posters. If you can't find a way to get her to some help, then you have to choose to live with the abuse or leave and get on with your own life.

 

Perhaps if you did leave, she would realise there is a problem? Perhaps later down the road you may be able to work at your relationship again.

 

Maybe a big kick (you leaving) is the only way she's going to take a step back and look at her self. Unfortunately I'd even say, don't count on that.

 

Some women *people*, and I know of one specifically, just don't have the emotional maturity or even just the balls to look at themselves and see they might be part of the issue. They blame every one around them for all the issues because how could it possibly be them to blame? It takes guts to admit you have an issue and are part of the problem.

 

At the moment you enable her behavior by accepting it. You need to stop.

 

I wish you well...

[JayKay]

I understand you love her and want to help her, but there comes a point when you've tried everything you can.

 

If you can't

 

(a) talk to her

 

(b) get her into therapy or on meds that she needs

 

 

Then I don't have any alternative suggestion for you other than maybe consider parting ways for the time being.

 

A seperation may help you clear your head. I am not saying divorce, I am saying physical seperation. May give her the kick in the pants she needs to start working on her issues

[barfool]

A lot of times with depression (as with addictions) it takes hitting rock bottom to reach out for help. Unfortunately no one can make her get help. The only time you can be held against your will is if you attempt suicide, then they can "Baker Act" you and hold you for 3 days in a psyc-center.

 

Since she is in denial and refusing help and making your life miserable I think she is going to require a very hard wake-up call. Sit her down and without her getting to talk explain to her the way you see things and how bad it is affecting your happiness and the marriage and then leave. Go stay with a friend or family or get a hotel room. Tell her you are not going to be around someone who behaves like that and is not willing to work on it. Tell her you will not come back until she is ready to save the marriage through hard work. Make it very clear that you are willing to help her and work on things but you can't do it alone.

[Phil]

She is more likely to blame her husband. Claiming that it is a set-up to make her look bad' date=' and evil, and all that, littlekitty. Ill people rationalize and make excuses too, just as much as healthy people.[/quote']

 

LittleKitty has a good idea, but you are right. She would end up using the fact I'm videotaping something as further allegations that I'm an evil human being.

 

She does claim that when I ask her innocent questions, they come across as interrogation. While this doesn't make her reaction any less wrong, I should ask myself why such harmless questions are coming across as interrogation. Am I at fault because of how my questions come across? Or is she at fault for not trying to understand that I'm merely making harmless inquiries.

 

And where is the line drawn? Every human being has a breaking point. An innocuous inquiry coming across as interrogation causes someone to explode in a fit of rage is a a sign of a problem with the person on the receiving end. But even the nicest, most easy going people have a breaking point. Does a line need to be drawn establishing what behavior level that triggers such anger outbursts makes the non-violent party the culprit? And does a line need to be drawn to establish whether the problem is the intent of the non-violent spouse vs. the interpretation of the violent spouse?

 

If you throw a glass at me, I'm not going to throw one back at you. I will call the police. If you ask me innocuous questions that come across as interrogation, I wouldn't react angrily, but ask myself what causes me to interpret such harmless inquiries as interrogation. If it bothered me so much, I would ask myself why it bothers me so much - I wouldn't take it out on others.

[blind_otter]

 

blind_otter, was this realization reached before or after your ExBF choked you out?

I'm not trying to be mean, I was just wanting to know because if it was after then it would prove that violence, although frowned upon, did help you to at least take a closer look at your bad behavior as something that needed to be dealt with in some way.

I mean you really should take responsibility for what you say and do and make a conscious effort to not rage when you get that urge but I guess staying away from other human beings works too. Either way my point is that his action may have saved someone else from having to deal with your rage issues.

I think your ExBF obviously choked you till you passed out not because he wanted to kill you or else he would have held on a little longer but because it was the only way he saw to shut you up and stop the insanity.

 

I personally don't think that physical violence is an answer to relationship issues though, my Dad used to beat my Mom and I've never allowed myself to do that. Besides, all that did was make her a better liar.

I believe the reason why women do torture us men so much with their personalities, emotions and behaviors is because they usually can't match us physically. You make a woman feel threatened physically she will mess you up the only way she can. It's a power struggle thing always has been.

 

When two people love each other and are trying to make a life together they should just treat the other person with the same respect and consideration that they would want for themselves. Unless you resign yourself to just being alone for the rest of your life, we need to remember that we live in a civilization and know that we to, at the very least, be civil with one and other.

 

Your whole post was moot because I decided it before he attacked me. He just happened to take it badly, get horrifically drunk, and came to my house at 3am and let himself in.

 

It's not a power struggle for me. I'm in therapy to deal with rage that has been pent up inside me since I was an infant, a reaction to being forced into completely helpless situations where my body and mind were repeatedly violated. I never learned how to express anger in a healthy way. Neither of my parents were capable of it at the time I was being raised. The only emotion I intimately understand is fear.

 

You act as if it should be an instantaneous recovery. Get therapy, get better immediately. I've been in therapy on and off for 8 YEARS and I still struggle with this. It's my responsibility to take control of my issues and fears, and I do not know how to trust anyone.

 

You assume too much in your post, which made me reactive and offended immediately. I cooled off a bit before I posted, but you should be careful about taking a sentance and running away with it inside your mind. You know what happens when you assume things...

[d'Arthez]

She does claim that when I ask her innocent questions, they come across as interrogation. While this doesn't make her reaction any less wrong, I should ask myself why such harmless questions are coming across as interrogation. Am I at fault because of how my questions come across? Or is she at fault for not trying to understand that I'm merely making harmless inquiries.

That is something noone can answer on a messageboard. We would have to see the real interactions, to give a sound judgement on the interrogation/asking matter. But one thing is certain: even if you were actually interrogating her, that points to the fact that there are more problems in the marriage. And that these problems are not the responsibility of just a single person (you), but hers as well.

 

What is known though, is that many people who are in abusive / highly unhealthy situations blame themselves for the behavior of the partner. Thus remaining longer in a bad situation, in attempts to set things right, to make things work, hoping that love will prove enough. Drawing the line at more and more abusive points as the limit, as time progresses. Sadly, that does not work. From what you have written I have the impression that you have tried a lot to make things work, but sometimes that is not enough, as rotten as it sounds.

 

If you throw a glass at me, I'm not going to throw one back at you. I will call the police.

Exactly. And there is nothing wrong with that, especially if the other person makes a habit out of it.

 

We have a glimpse of what is going on in the marriage, but enough of a glimpse to know that your wife is indeed contributing to the problems in the marriage. If she does not want to address it, or face that reality, there sadly seem to be only a few options.

Like temporarily or even permanently moving out. Giving an ultimatum. None of which are guaranteed to be appreciated by your wife, and they can backfire. But perhaps would indeed serve as a wake-up call.

 

I am sorry, but there is little reason to be optimistic .

[tweldy]

[FONT=Arial]You wife is clearly paranoid, abusive, and possibly a danger to you and herself. Its also admirable how devoted you are to stay in this situation and try to work it out. I think the video taping might be an invaluable aid to her in therapy if she one day decides to go. Such a tape of her behavior might be extremely helpful to a professional identifying whatever disorder(s) she may have. However, confronting her with the tape might seriously freak her out if she is paranoid enough.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I feel much sadness here because your wife is probably, deep down, a wonderful person with a serious problem. The only thing I can imagine doing is doing the video tape or even just audio tape - it sounds like enough would come through that way, and going to someone with professional expertise and seeing if they have any advise. Certainly if you chose to leave, no one could fault your decision. [/FONT]

[Phil]

That is something noone can answer on a messageboard. We would have to see the real interactions' date=' to give a sound judgement on the interrogation/asking matter. But one thing is certain: even if you were actually interrogating her, that points to the fact that there are more problems in the marriage. And that these problems are not the responsibility of just a single person (you), but hers as well. [/quote']

 

What I meant is what is intended as an innocuous question, she says comes across as interrogation. I don't know if she is just saying this to help justify (in her mind) her anger outbursts or if she really sees it as interrogation.

 

What is known though, is that many people who are in abusive / highly unhealthy situations blame themselves for the behavior of the partner. Thus remaining longer in a bad situation, in attempts to set things right, to make things work, hoping that love will prove enough. Drawing the line at more and more abusive points as the limit, as time progresses. Sadly, that does not work. From what you have written I have the impression that you have tried a lot to make things work, but sometimes that is not enough, as rotten as it sounds.

For most of the relationship, I have been walking on eggshells. When I put my foot down on something, that is even more likely to cause to either have an outburst or go into a funk.

 

What I really want to know is just how can I get her to go in for treatment? If I go away, she'll just accuse me of abandoning her and get upset because I got to go on "vacation", while she had to stay home. If I stop giving into her wishes, she'll just accuse me of bullying her. If I call her relatives and tell them the story, then they'll come back to me saying that I'm at fault because I don't upkeep the house to the tidiness standards of my wife. But which is of greater concern: not putting away the laundry right away or violently throwing a can against the wall?

 

 

We have a glimpse of what is going on in the marriage, but enough of a glimpse to know that your wife is indeed contributing to the problems in the marriage. If she does not want to address it, or face that reality, there sadly seem to be only a few options.

Like temporarily or even permanently moving out. Giving an ultimatum. None of which are guaranteed to be appreciated by your wife, and they can backfire. But perhaps would indeed serve as a wake-up call.

 

She has already suggested we separate, but she doesn't seem strong enough to carry out her end. It seems to me that she's baiting me to see how I'll react. But she contradicts herself so much that if I moved out or agreed to her idea of a separation, she'd come right back and blame me for abandoning her.

[Phil]

You wife is clearly paranoid, abusive, and possibly a danger to you and herself. Its also admirable how devoted you are to stay in this situation and try to work it out. I think the video taping might be an invaluable aid to her in therapy if she one day decides to go. Such a tape of her behavior might be extremely helpful to a professional identifying whatever disorder(s) she may have. However, confronting her with the tape might seriously freak her out if she is paranoid enough.

 

I was under the impression that things like videotaping or tape recording a person without their consent was illegal.

 

I feel much sadness here because your wife is probably, deep down, a wonderful person with a serious problem. The only thing I can imagine doing is doing the video tape or even just audio tape - it sounds like enough would come through that way, and going to someone with professional expertise and seeing if they have any advise. Certainly if you chose to leave, no one could fault your decision.

 

I would very much like to get her the help she needs. But it seems as if every time I try, she finds some way to twist things around to make me the villain.

[whichwayisup]

You are NOT responsible for HER. She is her own person, with her own mind. She isn't stupid and I'm telling you she is manipulating you and the situation. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. So, please do not take on ownership of her emotional well being. She's an adult and has to start acting like, taking responsibililty and accountablity of her actions.

 

Give her the choice - Therapy or she is on her own. And be prepared to follow through on this. She has her parents to help her along if she can't live on her own.

 

I know this is hell for you but things cannot go on like they are, it's so unhealthy and eventually all this will take it's toll on you if it hasn't already.

[carmaenforcer]

blind_otter

 

I'm sorry if my post upset you!

I do make an effort to take the time and careful consideration as to the words I choose and I am not trying to "Ass-U-Me", anything about you.

I was forced to make an assumption about your ExBF's reasoning though, only because I don't know him and was trying to understand why someone would choke someone with whom they were trying to have a relationship, without provocation.

You see, most of us as "men", know that when you take an argument beyond a certain point with another man, it might escalate to a physical altercation.

Knowing this we pick our fights carefully or risk getting checked/having our behavior corrected for us.

 

Taking criticism constructively is key in looking at ones self through a vantage point of another person. Even though a person may not agree with others opinions it is a good thing to at least have the capacity to look at things from all sides or at least from a side other than their own in any given situation.

 

You are right, I am of the belief that a person, of sound mind, should be able to correct their behavior once they are aware of the issue.

I personally came from a bad neighborhood with gangs and drugs and

a home where my Mother and I were beaten by an alcoholic Father.

I never followed gangs but did have an alcohol problem myself. Once I realized it, I simply stopped drinking despite my overwhelming urge to do it. Later I still allowed myself to drink socially but watched my actions very carefully so that I didn't fall into the same patterns that caused me the problem to begin with. I also had a drug dependency issues before and I just plain stopped that all together, when I started a family. Again, it was the hardest thing I had to do, but " I had to do it". no excuses.

 

My father was an abusive, womanizing man with major anger management problems. I, conscious of my genes, have made the decision not to allow myself to become what I can so easily be and instead fight hard to be a good person. I can also make excuses for my actions, I just choose not to.

 

My Wife is also dealing with "rage" issues, she also has things in her past that she attributes to her condition. She has not yet sought professional help like you have done, but just this Saturday she admitted to me that she is aware of her problem and knows that she should get help for it.

[Phil]

I appreciate everyone's feedback and help in this thread.

 

My wife has been regularly moving her stuff out of the house and/or throwing it away. She even has thrown away sentimental gifts that I bought her. When I ask her if I can see these things to ensure to myself that they haven't been thrown away, she gets upset and then turns the tables around with a tit for tat game asking that I produce something she hasn't seen for a while.

 

She does claim that I am responsible for her anger outbursts because of the way I ask the "where is" questions. I would think she should be adult enough to see beyond the tone of my voice and focus on the content.

 

She's still threatening to separate, but I don't believe she has the courage to do so. I've told her that I will not separate (not to mention other things) unless we go into marriage counseling together.

 

More later.

[whichwayisup]

Uhmm...How old is she??? I'm sorry but SHE IS RESPONSIBLE for her anger outbursts. You may get under her skin and piss her off but SHE controls her own reactions, not you. That is the most craziest thing I've ever heard!

 

I don't understand what her real problem is. I mean, are you two even friends? Other than loving eachother, do you both LIKE eachother? It seems by her actions she is completely irritated with you and she doesn't enjoy your company.

 

I hope that she goes to marriage counselling and sorts this out, otherwise her attitude WILL ruin your marriage eventually. You can't be the one making all the efforts to please her. What does she do for YOU? Other than try to make you feel like crap.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

[Phil]

Uhmm...How old is she??? I'm sorry but SHE IS RESPONSIBLE for her anger outbursts. You may get under her skin and piss her off but SHE controls her own reactions, not you. That is the most craziest thing I've ever heard!

 

I don't understand what her real problem is. I mean, are you two even friends? Other than loving eachother, do you both LIKE eachother? It seems by her actions she is completely irritated with you and she doesn't enjoy your company.

 

I hope that she goes to marriage counselling and sorts this out, otherwise her attitude WILL ruin your marriage eventually. You can't be the one making all the efforts to please her. What does she do for YOU? Other than try to make you feel like crap.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

 

She's in her early 30s. I've told her many times that we need to get marital counseling, but she continues to refuse. So every time she needs something either from me or out of me, I refuse unless we either get marital counseling or get the relationship back to where both of us are happy with it. This in turn causes her to accuse me of controlling her and she gets more pissed off with me.

 

I can't express my feelings to her, as she just talks right over my words. So I put my feelings down on paper and gave her the note. She read about the first three or four paragraphs and then stopped reading it.

[No Stress Lady]

You are NOT responsible for HER. She is her own person, with her own mind. She isn't stupid and I'm telling you she is manipulating you and the situation. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. So, please do not take on ownership of her emotional well being. She's an adult and has to start acting like, taking responsibililty and accountablity of her actions.

 

Give her the choice - Therapy or she is on her own. And be prepared to follow through on this. She has her parents to help her along if she can't live on her own.

 

I know this is hell for you but things cannot go on like they are, it's so unhealthy and eventually all this will take it's toll on you if it hasn't already.

 

So true Phil.

 

If she won't go to counseling and she won't change you really have to remove yourself from this relationship before her rages get even worse and you suffer even more. This relationship is damaging you.

 

Can you honestly see yourself still living this hellish existence in 5 years time?? Or even one years time????

[lindya]

So true Phil.

 

If she won't go to counseling and she won't change you really have to remove yourself from this relationship before her rages get even worse and you suffer even more. This relationship is damaging you.

 

Can you honestly see yourself still living this hellish existence in 5 years time?? Or even one years time????

 

Exactly. Also, what if your wife follows through with her threat to leave you? You'll be left feeling like a fool who endlessly tolerated this nightmarish existence for zero reward.

 

We all have the potential to sustain emotional damage in situations like this - and you, Phil, aren't an exception. You're not some saint who can withstand whatever crap your wife hurls at you. You're a human being, and the longer you remain in this traumatic situation, the more it's going to floor you when you eventually switch focus away from your wife's behaviour and onto the way it's left you feeling about yourself.

 

Love might make the world go round, but it doesn't cure a person with the sort of serious behavioural problems your wife has. Sometimes it just ends up destroying the person who keeps giving out all that unconditional love.

[Phil]

So true Phil.

 

If she won't go to counseling and she won't change you really have to remove yourself from this relationship before her rages get even worse and you suffer even more. This relationship is damaging you.

 

Can you honestly see yourself still living this hellish existence in 5 years time?? Or even one years time????

 

Prior to this recent funk, her mood swings wouldn't cause her to be down for more than some ten percent of the time. The rest of the time she was the most wonderful loving person one could imagine.

 

She seems to know not to be physically violent anymore because she knows I'll call the police. But that in turn has caused her to constantly act paranoid towards me.

 

If she snaps out of this funk, then she'll have learned some valuable lessons. If not, I'll just keep putting my foot down. Given her cultural and religious values, I just don't see her leaving. So if she wants a reciprocal relationship, she's going to have to recognize her faults and work on improving them.

 

Just how stubborn does one have to be to refuse to go to counseling. If you are so sure you don't have a problem, then it would seem as if you shouldn't be afraid of counseling.

[Phil]

Exactly. Also, what if your wife follows through with her threat to leave you? You'll be left feeling like a fool who endlessly tolerated this nightmarish existence for zero reward.

 

We all have the potential to sustain emotional damage in situations like this - and you, Phil, aren't an exception. You're not some saint who can withstand whatever crap your wife hurls at you. You're a human being, and the longer you remain in this traumatic situation, the more it's going to floor you when you eventually switch focus away from your wife's behaviour and onto the way it's left you feeling about yourself.

 

Love might make the world go round, but it doesn't cure a person with the sort of serious behavioural problems your wife has. Sometimes it just ends up destroying the person who keeps giving out all that unconditional love.

Given the way she is now, I'll be relieved if she leaves. I just don't want to pull the plug because I love her. But I have no problem continuing to put my foot down. When I go away for each weekend - in part to get away from her sullenness (sp?) - I feel great, that I am not constantly reminded of the problems she has caused our relationship. It's being and living in the home that makes it difficult for me.

[No Stress Lady]

Given the way she is now, I'll be relieved if she leaves. I just don't want to pull the plug because I love her. But I have no problem continuing to put my foot down. When I go away for each weekend - in part to get away from her sullenness (sp?) - I feel great, that I am not constantly reminded of the problems she has caused our relationship. It's being and living in the home that makes it difficult for me.

 

Good grief - if it's so bad you can't even spend the weekends together then I really think you need to ask yourself why this relationship is worth pursuing - you mention cultural differences too - is your wife originally from another country? How do the cultural differences affect your relationship?

 

I think you've answered your own question with this post........

[Craig]

She seems to know not to be physically violent anymore because she knows I'll call the police. But that in turn has caused her to constantly act paranoid towards me.

Yet another manipulative tactic by her designed to make you look and feel like the guilty party.

[Woggle]

Do you guys have kids? If not just leave and don't look back. It won't get better and without kkids it will be much easier to just walk away. It's not worth it to put up with it.

[whichwayisup]

Given the way she is now, I'll be relieved if she leaves. I just don't want to pull the plug because I love her. But I have no problem continuing to put my foot down. When I go away for each weekend - in part to get away from her sullenness (sp?) - I feel great, that I am not constantly reminded of the problems she has caused our relationship. It's being and living in the home that makes it difficult for me.

 

Sooner or later you have to realize that you can't make it work on "just" love. It's got to be more than that, and it seems as you've said in all your posts (and her actions most of all) you two are not compatible anymore. Only you know when to say ENOUGH already and say goodbye. Right now, she isn't losing any sleep over this problem, but YOU are. She is doing what she wants and you are getting nothing back but being treated like a piece of poop.

 

Go talk to a therapist to help you gather the strength to leave her. If you don't do that, she will drive you insane and ruin you more than ever know.

[Phil]

Good grief - if it's so bad you can't even spend the weekends together then I really think you need to ask yourself why this relationship is worth pursuing - you mention cultural differences too - is your wife originally from another country? How do the cultural differences affect your relationship?

 

I think you've answered your own question with this post........

 

In the early years of a marraige, it's natural to want to spend days off together - even though the activities won't be of interest to both husband & wife. But as years go by, the desire to give up what you really want to do on your days off diminishes.

 

I do my own thing on the weekend because if she had her way, she would have me doing things like shopping, cooking, cleaning house, doing yardwork & working on home improvement projects. And those are about the last things I want to be doing during my leisure or r & r time.

[Phil]

Do you guys have kids? If not just leave and don't look back. It won't get better and without kkids it will be much easier to just walk away. It's not worth it to put up with it.

 

No kids. Does anyone know if there is any way I can get my wife to go in for therapy? She's gotten into her recent ongoing funk because I decided to stop being such a doormat and put my foot down. Now that she can't have the control she wants, she seems to be wanting to leave. She's gradually moved her stuff out, thrown some of it away and given some of it away. However, I have had a professional tell me this could be a sign of suicide. That really worries me.

[Sassy]

I can so relate with you on some of the things your spouse is doing . My s/o can get angry when i ask simple questions as well . My s/o has a history of anger in his family and he throws and breaks things as well. I am at my wits end on this type of behavior and don't think it is healthy . I want to be with someone that i am not afraid to say things to and not have to walk on eggshells all the time. My s/o has had anger management but i can't see where it has helped at all . He says it is my fault and i make him do the things he does. My s/o has done some things to me that aren't appropriate . He has never beat me but still has been abusive in a way grabbing ,pushing ,belittling it is all the same thing. Abuse is abuse no matter what physical or mental . I feel for you and if you need someone to relate to you pm me and we can talk . Hugs to you know what you are dealing with. These things that they do are bully tactics to make us think they can't get no better and make us never want to leave . It is a control thing and the fact they are very insecure with themselves.