Raven1845 Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 I don't know where or how to begin. I must have started this thread a hundred times, and I just can't seem to get it right. I either explain too much, explain too little, or just can't explain at all. I have another thread posted under Jealousy, entitled, "Am I being ridiculous?" Which will give a little insight into the man I'm seeing. I've been seeing a guy for the past few months. I care very much about him. He tells me he cares about me (when I ask, or when I tell him I care), but you know the saying, "actions speak louder than words." His actions have proven that I cannot possibly be very important to him at all. Seems like with that statement I should be able to answer my own questions about our relationship, but he has me believing that I'm the one with the problem, and I could really use some advice on the situation. Also, I'm hooked, and it's so hard for me to let it go because I really want it to work. In the beginning, he would say such sweet things to me. He wanted an exclusive relationship with me. He even mentioned marriage and children in our future. He'd say things like, "I know I haven't known you very long, but it seems like I have," "When we get married someday, I want kids, so we're having 5," "I don't want to lose you," "I don't want to be with any one else," "I want to be with you a lot," "I want you to like me more and more every time you see me." I never said these types of things to him, so he wasn't saying them in response to anything I said. Every word seemed very sincere, and seemed to come straight from the heart. Well, I did begin to like him more and more each time I saw him, and it seemed like once I did, he began to change. He stopped initiating dates with me. He would promise to call, but never did. If I wanted to see him, I had to do the calling. After awhile, it began to feel very demeaning that I always had to call him and he would never call me. Most of the time, he never returned my phone calls. I began to take it as a "hint" and asked him about it. I told him if he didn't want to see me anymore to please just tell me and I wouldn't keep bothering him and humiliating myself with unwanted phone calls and messages. He assured me that he wanted to continue seeing me and that he was just "busy." Because he kept saying he didn't want to end things, I kept seeing him. Nothing changed. He still did not call me when he said he would (or at all), and he still stayed very distant. I questioned him again, and each time it happened I'd question him. He kept telling me if he wanted to end things he would tell me. When my phone calls went unanswered, I would end up leaving him a message telling him that he was giving me all the signals of someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I would say, "I promise not to call again. If you want to see me or talk to me, then you can call me." He'd always call after that. I just do not understand. I found out through mutual friends that he had said he broke-up with me because I was too easy to get. No challenge. He proceeded to say that we were still having sex, though. I was very hurt when I found this out. I don't believe I'm easy, and I don't believe I'm not challenging. I just care very much about him and CHOOSE to be with him. The fact that other people knew we broke-up, yet I didn't know, hurt more than anything. I confronted him about this and he said he never said it, but I know that he did. He even slipped and told me he had given the guy a "time line" of how long it took to do "this or that" with me. He has even told me that he likes someone until he gets them, and then he doesn't want them anymore. I asked him if he felt this way about me. He said, "No, I still want to date you." Then proceeded with, "I want to date other people, too, I don't want a commitment." He said, "I tell everyone this up front so there's no confusion." I said, "Really? Well, you neglected to tell me. The things you said to me were quite the contrary." "This is how I am," he said, "and if you want to be with me, you'll have to accept me the way I am." I can't believe it, but I continued to see him. Believe me, I am an intelligent woman who respects herself and has never put up with anything like this before. I don't know why I put up with it from him. I can't explain it. I know I'm worth much more than that, but I just cannot seem to help myself where he's concerned, and I don't understand why. It's not as if he treats me good or anything. He's not that skilled in the bedroom, but does have great endurance. He has the smile and face of an angel, the body of a Greek god, and is incredibly sexy, but to be honest, I cannot think of any other attributes he has . . . other than that young man I fell for in the beginning. I miss him so much, and the truth is, he probably never existed. THIS is the real him. The one in the beginning was an act. Why can't I let him go, then? I have taken this guy on a trip to my home city up north. We stayed at the best hotel and wined and dined at the best places. And yes, I paid for everything. I wanted to impress him. I wanted to throw this in, but my thread is getting so long. To make a long paragraph short, he had no problem with me paying for everything, but ended up going home early after treating me horribly by pointing out all the women he saw he'd like to, in his exact words, "f___." I try to let him go, and I just can't seem to stick to it. I end up calling or texting or emailing him. The last time he was at my house, his cell phone kept ringing. He said it was some girl that is obsessed with him and won't stop calling. I said, "Do you do that to me when I call?" He just shook his head "no." I know he does. I didn't feel jealous of her . . . I felt sorry for her, because I knew exactly what she was going through. I told him that if he didn't want to see her anymore, it was mean of him not to tell her. His response was, "It's always something with you." I told him that I thought I could but I just couldn't handle seeing him with someone else. He told me I had to accept it. I stopped calling him. That lasted about 9 days. For nine days I had my integrity back. For nine days I felt in control. For nine days, I proved self-respect . . . but then I started to miss him. I went out to a club with a girlfriend and though I wasn't drunk I had had a few drinks and I text messaged him. Again, and again, and again. I'm so humiliated and disappointed in myself. I didn't say anything too bad, but I did embarrass myself. I ended up apologizing on the text messages and telling him I wouldn't bother him again and for him to look me up if he ever changed his mind about commitment. My insides are a wreck. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I am so ashamed of myself for giving in. I am so ashamed of myself for allowing someone to treat me so horribly. Logically, I know I don't love him, but gosh, it sure hurts like I do. It hurts like it's the end of the world. It feels like it will never stop. I've been heartbroken before, but never like this. Why couldn't I have just left it alone with my dignity intact? Why did I have to screw up and embarrass myself? I hope this thread makes sense. I know it's long, and I apologize. If anyone had the patience to read it all the way through, then I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I welcome any advice you may be able to give me. If I've not made something clear, please ask. Hard to get things just so in this state. God, I just want the pain to go away. I told him, "I am the best thing that ever happened to you, and if you're smart, one day you'll realize it, and you'll regret letting me go." I hope one day he does regret letting me go, and I hope that when that time comes, I no longer care. Why do I keep wondering what's wrong with "me" and wondering what "I" did. Logically, I know he's the one with the problem. It just hurts so badly. I'd hate to think I put up with the things he does just because he's the best-looking guy I've ever seen. That wouldn't say very much about me. It's that sweetheart from the beginning that I long to be with. THAT is what hooked me. All he ever had to say was he wanted to break-up. I wouldn't have bothered him anymore. But he kept me hanging on and unsure. He made me feel like I had no reason to think he wanted to stop seeing me. Breaking up with someone is not nearly as painful as stringing them along. So hurt. So want it to stop.
riobikini Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 RE: Raven: " All he ever had to say was he wanted to break-up. I wouldn't have bothered him anymore. But he kept me hanging on and unsure. He made me feel like I had no reason to think he wanted to stop seeing me. Breaking up with someone is not nearly as painful as stringing them along. So hurt. So want it to stop." Dear Raven, I read your post and it immediately regenerated the life of a few emotions that I thought I'd killed off, -some of them were just plain livid anger. Anger not towards you, of course, but anger on your behalf. It really gets to me when I hear a story like yours. Not only do I identify personally, with some of the details, -but there are other things going through my mind as I read. Mind-blowing, appalling things. For instance, -where do these people come from? Who raised them to be this callous and misleading? Who taught them (or rather, didn't teach them), -the social skills they employ? It seems this behavior does not have a particular age category that it regularly appears in, -it is found in all age groups, from teens to graying adults. And maybe, it's always been present, yet, it seems more frequently found the more technologically connected , sophisticated, and 'improved' our society gets. It makes you (me) wonder why is it that we have to leave something as essential as common decency in the past as we move into the future. Whatever it is, -it's the wrong kind of growth, and it is wrong under any circumstances to be unaccountable, and irresponsible to your actions when they cause so much pain to another, -and especially under circumstances where you have been purposely misleading. I call these people 'hope killers', because, at first, they inspire wishful dreams and hopeful futures with bits and pieces of realistic truth cleverly intertwined with deceitful lies and creative garbage, -and then they pull a disappearing act while innocent others are left behind to nurse the gaping hole where their heart once was. It's not like you were a complete idiot to begin with, -you actually were a reasonable thinking, probably very intelligent person, and never once believed in fairy tales, -castles in the clouds, glass slippers, or even the Easter Bunny, at least, not since you left first grade. But, despite your practical personality and all your sophisticated, contemporary knowledge, you fell in love with -not the person you thought he/she was, -but someone who, in the end, -you didn't know. And not only do you feel hurt and broken over it, -you have this peculiar anger, as well. That anger is based on something that you will actually be thankful for in the coming weeks and months. It will be the driving force that will spur you to delete the emails, the addresses, the phone numbers, then cry like a broken child, rock your own heart like a baby, soothe it back to quiet calm, -and slowly begin to take back your life. You will still feel the bitter, painful ache, but it will be the anger mixed in that will create just the right balm to save you. The anger comes from the part of you that refuses, after all, to be used and then cast away insignificantly: you are not a Kleenex. The anger is related to your dignity, your self-esteem, and your self confidence, and, although they may all take a beating, those things refuse to die so easily. You will get through this. You are a very valuable and lovable person, still. Your heart, your pride and your hope has suffered, -but it will all come back. You are stronger than you think, and this will strengthen you even more. Believe it. The hurt will stop, and no need to be embarrassed, -breaking up is just too damn hard to do in the first place, without having to deal with that, too. Someone needed to tell you all this. I'm glad it was me. (Smile) Take Care and Keep Posting. Yours, -Rio P.S. I've posted some Links for you below. Take time to read them. They're worth it. Pro-Active Healing From A Break-Up http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=695430&postcount=1 NoFoolin's Guide For The Long Walk http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954 The Physiology Of Love Emotions http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=690284&postcount=1 Dealing With More Difficult Break-Ups http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=692556#post692556 Left-Over Emotions http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=686107&postcount=1 Mood-Swings After a Break-Up http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=683103&postcount=98 Not Wanting To Let Go http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=674718&postcount=16 Withdrawal Stages of Break-up http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=659934 Rationalizing Love Emotions http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=671950#post671950 Break-up: Getting T-H-R-O-U-G-H I-T!!! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=666271&postcount=1 Getting Rid Of The Ache http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=697323&postcount=3 Learning From Mistakes http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=696474#post696474 Can't Stay Away From Your Ex? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=699978#post699978 Regretting The Break http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=698656#post698656 Changing Our Own Behavior http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=668685&postcount=53 A Break For Changes http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=668522#post668522 Having A Bad Day http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=697737#post697737
UnderWorld Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Listen Up!!! First Off Sounds Like Hes A Sugar Coater! And Said He Wanted To Be Exclusive To Throw U Off.. He Treats Every Girl Like That Obviously! Since He Didnt Answer That Other Girl..so U Didnt Do Anything Or Deserve This..seems Like Hes Feeling The Water W/ Girls! And Charting Them On The Time-line Of Ur Actions. The Things Is Since Hes Being Hard To Get And U Want What U Cant Have. Its Understandable U Texted Him When U Drank..u Cant Take It Back But Dont Convince Him That He Lost U He Knows This Let Him Realize Stuff Later...hes Just A Fake Guy And Likes To Date Around And Thats Appealing I Guess To U! You Should Be W/ A Genuine Guy! If I Were U Id Break Up W/ That Guy When I Heard He Broke Up W/ U. I Know Hearsay Is Stupid To Always Believe! But If U Looked From The Outside In Im Sure Even If It Wasnt True Ud Have A Reason To Say Dude I Heard U Say That On 3 Way Adn Break It Off And If He Never Calls And Wants U Back Then So Be It!!! Dont Call Or Have Any Contact W/ Him...its Not Him U Want Its The *whole* What U Thought He Was U Wanted ...u Get It!??? Dont Make The Same Mistake And Be Mysterious! Be W/ A Guy Who Puts U First..trust Me Theres Times Ive Flaked W/ My Bf...or Dint Call But I Put My Guard On And The Guy I Have Puts Me First But Now Im Going To Atleast Not Flake!@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
LawGirl Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 I don't know where or how to begin. I must have started this thread a hundred times, and I just can't seem to get it right. I either explain too much, explain too little, or just can't explain at all. I have another thread posted under Jealousy, entitled, "Am I being ridiculous?" Which will give a little insight into the man I'm seeing. I've been seeing a guy for the past few months....... Raven .... I don't suppose his name is Mike is it? Dam^ - your and mine (and a few other's) story is just so similar. There are few different twists here and there - but we are on a parallel path. I too think I am an intelligent woman with alot going for me. And I too fell into this 'trap'. OMG - the only I can say is one day at a time. One step at a time. We can be strong and learn from this. Yes - we can. We MUST. Thanks for your insight and the link to the post Rio.
someone_here Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 i read your thread, i feel for you. I was there before. And it took sometimes for me to forget n get rid of him. That time he was completely disapeared. No news, calls , misscall, text, or whatever. So it was easier for me to move on, although it was not easy at all. But easier because i didnt have to see him from time to time. And finally i really moved on and now, i dont have feeling for him at all. After he saw other girls, for few months, he came back and beg to be with me again. But i didtn give him chance. He said sorry and i guessed his relationship with other gal was messedup . so thats why he asked and beg me to accept him. But i didnt take him back. After that we have solid NC for months. Last week, he beg again. and i still didnt give him chance.Becasue i know, How is your life going to be .. to be like a living hell or a heaven is depend on you. Dont waste your time. i know it is easier to be said than done. But trust me, you will be able to go through. You will find someone who knows how to treasure you and love you, be true to you.But when you've moved on. so let it go, drop it... i do hope u will be stronger and get better .... hugs,
jerbear Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 i read your thread, i feel for you. I was there before. And it took sometimes for me to forget n get rid of him. That time he was completely disapeared. No news, calls , misscall, text, or whatever. So it was easier for me to move on, although it was not easy at all. But easier because i didnt have to see him from time to time. And finally i really moved on and now, i dont have feeling for him at all. After he saw other girls, for few months, he came back and beg to be with me again. But i didtn give him chance. He said sorry and i guessed his relationship with other gal was messedup . so thats why he asked and beg me to accept him. But i didnt take him back. After that we have solid NC for months. Last week, he beg again. and i still didnt give him chance.Becasue i know, How is your life going to be .. to be like a living hell or a heaven is depend on you. Dont waste your time. RAVEN1845: It will be hard to have NC for a long time when he is this close and your emotions and feelings confusing you. It too shall pass. Someone_Here & RAVEN1845: I said no to an old flame who just called because she kept me around for ego purposes MANY and now wants a relationship after she had married and two kids. I said no. So in other words, on't waste your time on that guy and in the meantime, move on.
Author Raven1845 Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 LawGirl . . . this is a similar to a reply I left on your post. I think we were dating the same guy! Not really, but I cannot believe how similar our stories are. The mixed messages, "he wants me, he wants me not." I think this makes it even harder, because nothing is definite with these guys. They don't want to break up, yet give all the signals that they do. IMO, this is MUCH harder than a "normal" break-up. By "normal" I mean one where the other person has had the decency to at least end it and not keep a person stringing along. (HUG) Rio - I am so lucky to have received your reply to my thread. Thank you so much for your kind, caring words of wisdom. And thank you to everyone for your wonderful advice. It's day 2 and I feel like I'm going to die, but I'm hanging in there. Your responses are helping me to cope a little bit, and I only hope that I will be able to do the same for you one day. (((Big hugs to all)))
niko1999 Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Of course youre hanging in there, and you will continue to hang in there. Two days isnt that long-though it may feel like an eternity, I know it does. Fill your days with busy-ness, and your nights with fun and laughter. Every day will get easier, adn that feeling of self confidence, of inner strength you mentioned before, will soon return again before you know it. And everyone is here for you to just rant to, or whatever you need to do. Best of luck, stay strong, and you will make this through a stronger better person. By the way, dont owrry about the text message thing, everyone makes mistakes, count it as just that. A MISTAKE.
UT_longhorn Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 raven... the art of seduction is a book by robert greene in which the "tactic" your man is one that is explained. although love and romance may seem mysterious and from the stars...simple human psychology also can be used to wind women around the finger of men. go to barnes and noble. read the book. and snap out of his vicious cycle.
whats wrong with me Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 raven: Why do I keep wondering what's wrong with "me" and wondering what "I" did. Logically, I know he's the one with the problem. It just hurts so badly. I wonder how many people feel like this. After reading everyones replies..that you are strong and can get through this is probably the best thing someone can say. It seems that many people feeling this way have forgot that there is nothing wrong with them, theres something wrong with the other person!!! As I was reading your post you kept saying I hope you can understand all this. I never got lost, in fact I'd bet no one could have "said" it better than you did. For you Good luck..... For him Good riddance!
cygny Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 so sorry raven. it sounds like this was all a game to this guy. a very childish game. he's a classic player who gets off on playing with women's emotions. this is such a shock to you emotionally that it will take some time for you to realize just what a cad he was in the beginning til the end. on the good side, once you've been burned by a guy like this, you won't be taken in easily ever again. if i were you, i'd do NC and stick with it. i know you are hooked and hurting, but anything you can do to distract your mind from this will be good.
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