Coworker: friendly or interested? UPDATED

[ForbiddenLove]

I’m in my 40s and have developed an attraction to a coworker. We don’t work closely together and only occasionally overlap professionally, so this isn’t someone I sit next to every day or report to.

Over time we’ve started talking a little more personally. He gave me his personal number even though we both have work phones, and recently we had a long personal text conversation outside work. He shared quite a bit about himself, asked me questions about my life, and the conversation went on for a couple of hours. I flirted a little but probably subtly enough that he may not have been sure I was flirting.

He has also come over to my work area before for a work related reason and then stayed and talked after the original reason for coming over was basically over. We recently followed each other on Instagram too.

The part that makes me hesitate is that he has never initiated a personal text conversation with me. To be fair, I have only initiated personal conversations with him twice, months apart, so it isn’t like I’ve been texting him constantly and he just responds.

He is currently away visiting family and I’ve been debating whether to send a simple hope you’re having a good vacation text, but I don’t want to be intrusive or come across like I’m chasing him. Part of me also wants to wait and see whether he ever initiates contact on his own.

I’m not at the point where I don’t know if I want a relationship with him. I’m definitely attracted to him, and I’m genuinely curious about him and would like to get to know him outside of work to see whether there’s actually anything there.

I’m considering eventually asking if he’d like to hang out outside work, but I’m nervous that I’m interpreting normal friendliness as possible interest.

If you were in my position, would you keep lightly flirting and see whether he starts initiating, or would you just ask him to hang out and see what he says?

Edited 2 hours ago by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sony12]

While workplace romances happen all the time it also at the same time can be a very touchy situation with people misinterpreting feelings and intentions. At this point it just seems to be a normal workplace friendship. However he at the same time as of yet hasn't turned you down or given you uninterested vibes.

The best thing to do is just send him a note telling him that you enjoy being around him and if he isn't seeing anyone currently if he would be interested in going to do something together sometime. Just give him the note and leave it at that and it would be up to him to respond. If he doesn't respond that would be an answer as well so just give him a note and leave things up to him to respond or not respond.

Edited September 9 by Sony12

[Sanch62]

One of the best ways I get to know a coworker is to message that I’m talking a walk at 3 if the’d like to join me for a short break.

[flitzanu]

4 hours ago, ForbiddenLove said:

 

He is currently away visiting family and I’ve been debating whether to send a simple hope you’re having a good vacation text, but I don’t want to be intrusive or come across like I’m chasing him. Part of me also wants to wait and see whether he ever initiates contact on his own.

 

so you don't want to make your interest known, but you want him to make his interest known before you admit to it?

how is that going to get anywhere?

just ask him to lunch.

[ForbiddenLove]

4 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

so you don't want to make your interest known, but you want him to make his interest known before you admit to it?

how is that going to get anywhere?

just ask him to lunch.

I have made my interest known slightly. I’ve flirted a little in text to try to show some interest. I’m afraid to be too forward.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, ForbiddenLove said:

I’ve flirted a little in text to try to show some interest. I

What did you say? 

[ForbiddenLove]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What did you say? 

Mostly playful teasing and banter. The clearest example was when he sent me a picture of himself doing one of his hobbies and happened to be shirtless I joked that I was expecting something else and instead got shirtless him, but that I wasn’t complaining. I’ve also made a couple comments that could hint that I’m unattached and open to doing things with someone like mentioning that I don’t love doing certain things alone, but nothing where I’ve outright told him I’m interested. So I think I’ve given him some openings, but I can also see how he could interpret most of it as me just being friendly or funny.

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, ForbiddenLove said:

Mostly playful teasing and banter. The clearest example was when he sent me a picture of himself doing one of his hobbies and happened to be shirtless I joked that I was expecting something else and instead got shirtless him, but that I wasn’t complaining. I’ve also made a couple comments that could hint that I’m unattached and open to doing things with someone like mentioning that I don’t love doing certain things alone, but nothing where I’ve outright told him I’m interested. So I think I’ve given him some openings, but I can also see how he could interpret most of it as me just being friendly or funny.

Lovecompatibility test

 

What exactly do you think you would be looking for from this situation? As most guys who send women shirtless pics aren't looking for a relationship. 

[ForbiddenLove]

6 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

What exactly do you think you would be looking for from this situation? As most guys who send women shirtless pics aren't looking for a relationship. 

I’m not 100% sure how to take your comment. Are you saying you think I’m reading too much into him sending the pic, or that you think it suggests he’d only be looking for something physical?

For context, what he sent was relevant to the conversation we were having and it was from the same day so he sent it. 

[Sony12]

7 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

I’m not 100% sure how to take your comment. Are you saying you think I’m reading too much into him sending the pic, or that you think it suggests he’d only be looking for something physical?

For context, what he sent was relevant to the conversation we were having and it was from the same day so he sent it. 

Yes I am implying that there would be a good chance he would only want something physical. Nothing wrong with that but if you two work together you need to be on the same page with each other regarding it.

Edited September 10 by Sony12

[ForbiddenLove]

2 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yes I am implying that there would be a good chance he would only want something physical. Nothing wrong with that but if you two work together you need to be on the same page with each other regarding it.

Thank you for clarifying. I wouldn’t be totally opposed to just something physical. With discussion about it prior, it’s something I’ve done before and one of those men I would see frequently, not at work but in other situations. I’m open to more but I have been single for a very long time and am not someone that’s dating to marry. I have a very good single life that I’ve built by myself and I’m happy. I’m dating more for companionship, I have one child left at home who is a teenager and I get that feeling of wanting companionship increasingly more now.

[Sony12]

49 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

Thank you for clarifying. I wouldn’t be totally opposed to just something physical. With discussion about it prior, it’s something I’ve done before and one of those men I would see frequently, not at work but in other situations. I’m open to more but I have been single for a very long time and am not someone that’s dating to marry. I have a very good single life that I’ve built by myself and I’m happy. I’m dating more for companionship, I have one child left at home who is a teenager and I get that feeling of wanting companionship increasingly more now.

Datingsafety tips

 

Ok and not saying 100% that would be what he is looking for but most of the time when guys send pics like that to women that is the case. It sounds like you are really attracted to him.

[ForbiddenLove]

8 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Ok and not saying 100% that would be what he is looking for but most of the time when guys send pics like that to women that is the case. It sounds like you are really attracted to him.

I am. However, I wasn’t attracted to him at first. He is someone that people would find attractive, nice smile nice fit physique, but we collaborated on work prior to when my attraction started and I wasn’t thinking oh this man’s hot I want him. We have a very emotionally stressful job and the next thing that we worked on together he opened up to me about how it had affected him emotionally and that’s when my attraction started.

[ExpatInItaly]

If he has never initiated texting, even after you have done so and thus signalled you're open to chatting outside work, I would interpret that as pretty lukewarm interest on his part.

 

[Sony12]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If he has never initiated texting, even after you have done so and thus signalled you're open to chatting outside work, I would interpret that as pretty lukewarm interest on his part.

 

Yep. My guess is that if he sent her an out of the blue shirtless pic there are probably lots of girls that he is sending shirtless pics to.

[ForbiddenLove]

5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yep. My guess is that if he sent her an out of the blue shirtless pic there are probably lots of girls that he is sending shirtless pics to.

The shirtless pic was not really out of the blue in my opinion. We were having a conversation and the picture related to the conversation we were having. I just didn’t expect a picture. 

[ForbiddenLove]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If he has never initiated texting, even after you have done so and thus signalled you're open to chatting outside work, I would interpret that as pretty lukewarm interest on his part.

 

Maybe lukewarm interest. It’s definitely possible but to be fair I have not initiated texting much. Just twice. Once about four months ago and then once last week. 

[Sony12]

26 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

The shirtless pic was not really out of the blue in my opinion. We were having a conversation and the picture related to the conversation we were having. I just didn’t expect a picture. 

And what exactly was his hobby? Him sunbathing on the beach?

Sending pictures without a full compliment of clothes on is usually always intentional. When girls put pictures up online that gives a clear look of their rack it's always intentional on their part.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, ForbiddenLove said:

 I have not initiated texting much. Just twice. Once about four months ago and then once last week. 

And he has initiated zero times. 

 

[Alpacalia]

I wouldn't send the "hope you're having a good vacation" text solely as a test of whether he'll respond enthusiastically. That puts you in the position of analyzing his response to a low-stakes message for clues, which is likely to create more ambiguity rather than less.

And I wouldn't keep escalating the flirting indefinitely while waiting for him to make the first move.

Sending you a shirtless pic? Probably attention seeking.

It’s him ramping up the volume to see how you respond.

Did he also talk about anything sexual?

[ForbiddenLove]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

I wouldn't send the "hope you're having a good vacation" text solely as a test of whether he'll respond enthusiastically. That puts you in the position of analyzing his response to a low-stakes message for clues, which is likely to create more ambiguity rather than less.

And I wouldn't keep escalating the flirting indefinitely while waiting for him to make the first move.

BookRomantic Getaways

 

Sending you a shirtless pic? Probably attention seeking.

It’s him ramping up the volume to see how you respond.

Did he also talk about anything sexual?

I should clarify that “shirtless pic” probably made it sound more intentionally sexual than it was. It wasn’t posed or sexual in context, and there was no sexual conversation. He had sent it while we were already having a personal conversation, and I made a flirty joking comment about him being shirtless. He laughed and made a non sexual joke back and the conversation moved on continuing on the topic we were discussing. In the interest of anonymity, I’m trying to be as discreet as possible so I don’t want to give too much context on the picture.

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I wouldn't send the "hope you're having a good vacation" text solely as a test of whether he'll respond enthusiastically. That puts you in the position of analyzing his response to a low-stakes message for clues, which is likely to create more ambiguity rather than less.

And I wouldn't keep escalating the flirting indefinitely while waiting for him to make the first move.

BookRomantic Getaways

 

Sending you a shirtless pic? Probably attention seeking.

It’s him ramping up the volume to see how you respond.

Did he also talk about anything sexual?

Expand  

I should clarify that “shirtless pic” probably made it sound more intentionally sexual than it was. It wasn’t posed or sexual in context, and there was no sexual conversation. He had sent it while we were already having a personal conversation, and I made a flirty joking comment about him being shirtless. He laughed and made a non sexual joke back and the conversation moved on continuing on the topic we were discussing. In the interest of anonymity, I’m trying to be as discreet as possible so I don’t want to give too much context on the picture.

Oh, I see.

Well, he gave you his personal number, engaged in a two-hour personal conversation, disclosed personal things, asked about you, has lingered around you at work, and followed you on Instagram. Taken together, that's enough to reasonably wonder whether there is something more than ordinary coworker friendliness.

Your comment to him may have been subtle enough that he still isn't certain. He could easily think, “She's joking/flirting, but I don't know if she actually wants me to make a move.”

So I wouldn't conclude either “he's clearly interested” or “he's clearly not interested.” I'd say you've accumulated enough signals to justify being curious, but not enough to justify certainty.

He hasn't initiated, too. That's probably the part of this situation I'm most curious about.

[ForbiddenLove]

22 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Oh, I see.

Well, he gave you his personal number, engaged in a two-hour personal conversation, disclosed personal things, asked about you, has lingered around you at work, and followed you on Instagram. Taken together, that's enough to reasonably wonder whether there is something more than ordinary coworker friendliness.

Your comment to him may have been subtle enough that he still isn't certain. He could easily think, “She's joking/flirting, but I don't know if she actually wants me to make a move.”

So I wouldn't conclude either “he's clearly interested” or “he's clearly not interested.” I'd say you've accumulated enough signals to justify being curious, but not enough to justify certainty.

He hasn't initiated, too. That's probably the part of this situation I'm most curious about.

I went back through our text history because the initiation thing seems like an important factor, and I realized I was oversimplifying it.

The majority of our text conversations were initially about work. One time he had told me that something we were working on was affecting him emotionally, so I later initiated an emotional check-in. I think that could easily come across as me just being an empathetic coworker since we have an emotionally difficult job.

Some conversations that started about work have turned personal, sometimes because of me and sometimes because of him. The same thing happens in person. He has come to my work area or I’ve gone to his for a legitimate work reason and then the conversation becomes personal, although not nearly as personal as texting because there’s no privacy at work.

The only time I have ever texted him first with absolutely no work related reason was last week. Interestingly, that was after he had come over to my work area for a work reason. I couldn’t actually help him with what he came over for, but instead of leaving, he sat down, asked how I was doing, and we ended up talking personally. Later that day I initiated the personal text conversation.

So he still has never randomly texted me first just to start a personal conversation, which I agree is worth noting. But I also haven’t been repeatedly initiating personal conversations with him. I’ve really only done that once.

When reviewing the full context, I’m actually realizing that I haven’t randomly texted him either in a way, because this time that I did initiate truly personal conversation, it was only on the same day we talked in person at work

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, ForbiddenLove said:

I went back through our text history because the initiation thing seems like an important factor, and I realized I was oversimplifying it.

SongLyrics & Tabs

 

The majority of our text conversations were initially about work. One time he had told me that something we were working on was affecting him emotionally, so I later initiated an emotional check-in. I think that could easily come across as me just being an empathetic coworker since we have an emotionally difficult job.

Some conversations that started about work have turned personal, sometimes because of me and sometimes because of him. The same thing happens in person. He has come to my work area or I’ve gone to his for a legitimate work reason and then the conversation becomes personal, although not nearly as personal as texting because there’s no privacy at work.

The only time I have ever texted him first with absolutely no work related reason was last week. Interestingly, that was after he had come over to my work area for a work reason. I couldn’t actually help him with what he came over for, but instead of leaving, he sat down, asked how I was doing, and we ended up talking personally. Later that day I initiated the personal text conversation.

So he still has never randomly texted me first just to start a personal conversation, which I agree is worth noting. But I also haven’t been repeatedly initiating personal conversations with him. I’ve really only done that once.

When reviewing the full context, I’m actually realizing that I haven’t randomly texted him either in a way, because this time that I did initiate truly personal conversation, it was only on the same day we talked in person at work

There is still a missing piece: he hasn't taken an unmistakable step toward dating you. That's the thing I would remain agnostic about.

So if I were advising you now, I'd say you don't need to retreat because you're afraid you've been doing all the pursuing. You haven't now that I've seen what you wrote.

You've created a situation where there is enough mutual warmth that, if he is interested, there are openings available to him.

I don't see anything wrong with reaching out.

At the same time, I'm not sure I'd that immediately. He's away on vacation, see how things feel when you're back in the same environment again.

Edited Friday at 01:03 AM by Alpacalia

[ForbiddenLove]

I finally asked the coworker I’ve been talking about if he wanted to go to dinner with me.

Normally, he is very articulate and thoughtful in his responses, so his wording caught my attention. It’s possible I caught him off guard, although since it was over text he did have time to think before responding.

He told me he is kind of seeing someone right now so in that sense he is unavailable, unfortunately. He also asked if he was reading too much into my invitation.

I basically told him that no, he wasn’t completely reading it wrong, I genuinely wanted to get to know him better but I wasn’t trying to disrespect anyone. 

At that point I assumed that was probably the end of it.

Instead, he responded with telling me we could definitely still talk, maybe get some coffee sometime, and asked why I’m interested in getting to know him.

Somehow, that turned into the most personal conversation we’ve ever had about things you don’t normally talk openly about with coworkers. Nothing sexual, just much more emotionally personal. And he was actually the one who took the conversation in that direction.

So now I’m left with a situation I did not expect at all.

He clearly told me he is unavailable romantically right now, and I’m going to respect that. But instead of creating distance after realizing I was interested, he seemed to become more personally open with me. He offered coffee himself and shared things that were much more personal than our usual coworker conversations.

I honestly feel closer to him after the conversation, which is inconvenient for me

I’m trying to let this be the beginning of a friendship and see what happens naturally.

What would you make of someone saying they’re kind of seeing someone and unavailable, unfortunately but then immediately making it clear they still want to talk, suggesting coffee, asking why you’re interested in them, and opening up about personal stuff?

I’m not assuming that means he secretly wants something more than friendship. I’m just curious how other people would read the overall dynamic.