Title: Did my fiancée manipulate or cheat on her ex?

[A Native]

 

I am engaged to my fiancée, and I am trying to understand something about her previous relationship as objectively as possible. I have discussed parts of this with friends, and I have received very different opinions. Some people think her behavior was unethical or manipulative, while I am not sure that interpretation is justified.

I would really appreciate honest opinions. Please don't automatically defend my fiancée just because she is my partner now. If you think she behaved badly, I want to know that too.

I will try to describe the entire timeline as accurately and neutrally as I can.

How her previous relationship started

My fiancée had a relationship with a man who was her childhood friend. They both attended the same university. The relationship started around April/May 2019, when she was a first-year undergraduate student.

Her ex approached her first. At the beginning of university, my fiancée was going through some emotional difficulties. Her friends' parents would often come to visit them on weekends, while her own parents could not visit her regularly. Because of this, she sometimes felt lonely and discouraged.  

During this period, her ex continued contacting her through Messenger and phone calls. He also made significant efforts toward her. For example, he would cook food at home and bring it to her at university regularly. He also took care of her and gave her advice about different matters.  According to my fiancée, seeing someone make this much effort for her made her emotionally weak toward him. She gradually started developing feelings for him.

The safety issue

At around the same time, she started experiencing unwanted attention from some boys at university who were trying to initiate relationships with her.  There were approximately three incidents, but one particularly frightened her.   

One day, while she was walking on campus near the boys' hostel, a boy called out to her. She did not respond and walked quickly back toward her dormitory.  Later, one of her male friends from the hostel told her that the boy had become angry because she ignored him. He had apparently called some of his friends and was saying something about her. Her friend warned her to be careful and advised her not to go outside unnecessarily because the boy was known to have drug-related problems and appeared to have targeted her.   This frightened her significantly.

At that point, she started thinking that perhaps she should enter a relationship. Her thinking was that if she already had a boyfriend, perhaps these kinds of unwanted advances would stop and people would be less likely to bother her.    At that point, she was already emotionally attracted to her childhood friend because of the attention and care he had shown her.   So she accepted his proposal.

The religious difference

There was an important complication from the beginning: my fiancée and her ex belonged to different religions.   She says that when she was about to enter the relationship, she briefly thought about this. Her thought was approximately:   “Is this even possible? Will our families accept this? Maybe they won't. How could this work?”    Then she also thought:   “Perhaps somehow it can work in the future. Maybe things can be managed. Other couples have managed similar situations.”  She therefore decided to enter the relationship and deal with the future later.

She did not make a firm decision at that point that she would marry him, nor did she make a firm decision that she would never marry him.   She simply thought that she liked him, he cared about her, and perhaps the future could somehow work out.  After entering the relationship, according to her, her emotional attachment and feelings for him became stronger, and she eventually genuinely loved him.

relation from 2019-2022

The relationship for almost three years.  According to her account, she was genuinely emotionally invested in him.  Some examples she has given me:   She sometimes lent or gave him money without him asking and did not necessarily expect the money back, She gave him money as gifts during festivals.  Whenever he had a difficult period in his life, he would tell her about his problems, and she would listen and try to help him.  She made efforts to meet him even though she had previously been uncomfortable meeting boys outside.

Her ex had a short temper, particularly during the earlier part of the relationship. On several occasions, he became angry and shouted at her in public. She felt embarrassed, became upset, and cried. He would later apologize and ask for forgiveness, and she forgave him rather than ending the relationship.   They had both friendly and romantic conversations.   She has told me that she was emotionally weak for him.

When did she realize the relationship could not lead to marriage?   According to her, although she knew from the beginning that they belonged to different religions, she did not seriously think about marriage during most of the university years.  She says that as an undergraduate student, she was mostly living in the present and was not seriously planning marriage. She knew the religious difference existed, but she did not sit down and make a concrete decision about whether they could marry.

Around 2021–2022, however, she began thinking about marriage more seriously. Things she saw around her, including religious/communal tensions and discussions on social media, made her realize that an interreligious marriage would be extremely difficult.  She eventually reached what she describes as a “self-realization” that the relationship could not realistically continue toward marriage.  From the beginning of 2022, she started feeling that she needed to end the relationship.

She says this was extremely painful for her because she still loved him and was emotionally attached to him. However, she also believed that continuing the relationship would eventually mean choosing between him and her family.   She believed that if she married him, she might have to leave her family permanently. She also believed that interreligious marriages in her society often face serious family and social difficulties, and that women can sometimes suffer particularly badly in such situations. We are from south asian country.  So she eventually decided that she had to end the relationship.

The breakup and his reaction

Around the middle of 2022, she told him for the first time that she wanted to break up and explained the religious/family incompatibility as the reason.  Her ex was shocked. She apparently expected him to understand her reasoning, but instead he became extremely distressed and tried to convince her to stay.  He argued that she did not necessarily have to change her religion and could continue practicing her own religion. He also believed that if he became financially successful and powerful enough, society would eventually accept them.

My fiancée sometimes found his argument convincing for a short period. She would think that perhaps there might actually be a way to make the relationship work.  However, this understanding never lasted very long—usually one or two months at most. She would again see things happening around her and become convinced that the practical difficulties were too significant.   The breakup therefore became extremely complicated.

His self-harm and her guilt

Her ex began reacting very intensely whenever she talked about breaking up.  On some occasions, he threatened suicide or self-harm.  He sent her a video of himself hurting his legs with a large needle, with blood visible. On another occasion, he sent her a video of himself taking sleeping pills.  My fiancée became extremely frightened and guilty. She felt that she was responsible for his condition and feared that he might actually kill himself.

She repeatedly tried to explain the situation to him. She apologized and even told him that perhaps it was her fault for entering the relationship in the first place.  She tried to convince him to accept the breakup and move forward with his life.  However, whenever she again tried to end the relationship, he would tell her that he could not accept the breakup and sometimes threatened to do something serious to himself.

From 2022 to 2024, according to her description, she repeatedly went back and forth emotionally.  One moment she would feel strongly that she needed to leave the relationship; another moment she would feel weak and guilty because of his condition and her attachment to him.  

Attempts to block him: During this period, she blocked him several times.  However, after being blocked, he would contact her best friend, send emotional messages, and create another crisis.  On one occasion, after she blocked him, he became physically ill and was admitted to the hospital. He also had a pre-existing heart condition that became worse during periods of stress.  After seeing his self-harm, emotional breakdowns, and health problems, my fiancée would feel guilty and eventually unblock him.  This cycle happened several times.

Eventually, in 2025, she realized that she could not escape the relationship by repeatedly trying to convince him to accept the breakup.  Her thinking became:  “If he has not understood after all these years, he probably will not understand simply because I explain it again. I have to leave regardless of whether he accepts it.”  She also believed that he would continue contacting her until she eventually married someone else. feelings for him and that her remaining contact was mainly due to guilt, fear, and concern that he might harm himself means. tually, She was able to block him recently with my suggestion and support.

My questions

I am now trying to understand the situation ethically and objectively.

1. Based on this entire timeline, do you think my fiancée manipulated her ex?

2. Do you think she intentionally caused him harm or deliberately kept him attached to him?

3. Do you think she used him as a “shield” because safety was one of the reasons she initially entered the relationship?

4. Most importantly: did she cheat on her ex?

I am not asking whether I should marry her. I am trying to understand what her behavior actually means please help me here.

Edited 12 hours ago by a LoveShack.org Moderator
readability

[Gebidozo]

59 minutes ago, A Native said:

1. Based on this entire timeline, do you think my fiancée manipulated her ex?

What? It looks like your ex manipulated your fiancée.

 

59 minutes ago, A Native said:

2. Do you think she intentionally caused him harm or deliberately kept him attached to him?

Again… what? No, he intentionally caused himself harm to deliberately keep her attached to him.

 

59 minutes ago, A Native said:

3. Do you think she used him as a “shield” because safety was one of the reasons she initially entered the relationship?

Who knows - and who cares? She wanted to be with him, he became abusive, she tried to leave, he became even more abusive. Of course she should have left much earlier. But better late than never, of course.

 

59 minutes ago, A Native said:

4. Most importantly: did she cheat on her ex?

Why are you asking us that? You should ask her. Did you? If she said she cheated on her ex, then she did. If she said she didn’t cheat, then she didn’t.

I find your questions somewhat baffling. 

 

[A Native]

49 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

What? It looks like your ex manipulated your fiancée.

 

Again… what? No, he intentionally caused himself harm to deliberately keep her attached to him.

 

Who knows - and who cares? She wanted to be with him, he became abusive, she tried to leave, he became even more abusive. Of course she should have left much earlier. But better late than never, of course.

 

Why are you asking us that? You should ask her. Did you? If she said she cheated on her ex, then she did. If she said she didn’t cheat, then she didn’t.

I find your questions somewhat baffling. 

 

Actually I asked this question as it involved personal purpose life safety. So my mind is spiralling over was it manipulation or deception?  So I asked this question

[Sanch62]

Everyone has a mix of complex emotions and reasons for going into a relationship. All relationships being voluntary, each person is entitled to end a relationship regardless of whether the other agrees.

There are no judges or juries who must approve of a person’s decision to end a relationship. Breakups are not a democracy. If one person wants out, the other has no right to harass or bully or manipulate or blackmail that person into staying. That’s abusive, and inexcusable.

Nobody is owed a relationship with another, and nobody needs to build a good enough case to get out of one. If you don’t trust this woman, then walk away and find another. She does not owe you a position of judge of her past, and I’m surprised she has tolerated your scrutiny to this degree.

[A Native]

Actually I have ocd. Thats why she tolerate it. 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, A Native said:

Actually I have ocd. Thats why she tolerate it. 

Well, don’t be surprised when being the target of that grows old and exhausting. Either you trust her, or you don’t, but turning her into a thing to pick apart is not love. Obsessing over a past she can do nothing about is cruel and unusual. Decide where you stand on trust, and get treated.

[A Native]

Thank you

[basil67]

Your fiance was manipulated by her ex.  Had she written here asking for advice, we would have told her to call police or ambulance when he threatened to hurt himself and then leave him blocked.

I can't see where she may have cheated on him.  What did I miss?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't get why you think she might have manipulated him. If anything, it was the other way around. 

You know an awful lot about their relationship. How many conversations have you had about this? Some of it is really none of your business. Are you looking for an exit out of this relationship? 

 

[A Native]

No. I am not seeing any exit

[ExpatInItaly]

Then what are you trying to achieve with this line of questioning? 

[A Native]

5 hours ago, A Native said:

No. I am not seeing any exit

 

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then what are you trying to achieve with this line of questioning? 

Actually, I wanted to know about it. I have ocd and this things have been spiralling over months in my head. So I was trying to get neutral fresh perspective. Also, this is my first relationship. I was never been in any relationship before. The relationship of mt fiancee was messy. It caused me a lot of distress. Thats why i am here.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, A Native said:

I have ocd and this things have been spiralling over months in my head.

Then you are not ready to be in a relationship. The more respectuful move here would be to let your fianceé go so you don't subject her to this level of unfair scrutiny. 

I don't get why you are even wondering if she cheated - where are you getting that from?