Author unsureguy99 Posted July 16 Author Posted July 16 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Those good qualities are coming at a serious price to your mental health and emotional well-being, OP. You're not expecting too much of this woman. She sounds very unstable and takes it out on you. I am wondering, have you had a girlfriend before? Only a short relationshop when i was 20 years old. I was lonely for a very long time.
Sanch62 Posted July 16 Posted July 16 11 hours ago, unsureguy99 said: I'm not sure but she is serious She gets really dysregulated sometimes It may be manipulative but not deliberate But she's under pressure to get married Her family are super traditional I'm scared of leaving her shed be 29 and unmarried nearly 30? I feel really bad None of this is your issue to resolve. Either she’s a grown adult capable of seeking the professional help she needs, or she’s not even qualified to marry and manage childbearing and child raising. So it would be irresponsible to insert yourself into such an untenable situation. Often doing the right thing is the most difficult thing, but it’s right for good reason. Emotions are not facts. We’re allowed to feel lousy about doing difficult things. It’s counterproductive to compound the problem by talking yourself into feeling even worse about doing the right thing.
Author unsureguy99 Posted July 17 Author Posted July 17 4 hours ago, Sanch62 said: None of this is your issue to resolve. Either she’s a grown adult capable of seeking the professional help she needs, or she’s not even qualified to marry and manage childbearing and child raising. So it would be irresponsible to insert yourself into such an untenable situation. Often doing the right thing is the most difficult thing, but it’s right for good reason. Emotions are not facts. We’re allowed to feel lousy about doing difficult things. It’s counterproductive to compound the problem by talking yourself into feeling even worse about doing the right thing. Last night we had a fight. This has been a recurring issue in this relationship She wants to buy a house together But I'd prefer to rent first to see how we go living together Straight away she reacts and gets upset quest shuts down dysregulated questions my commitment. I'm so tired of this..we can never ever just talk through things.. she never seems interested or understanding It's just reactions. Is this what a relationship is meant to feel like? Why can't we ever just talk through it. Ok I get it weve better together 3 years maybe she wants more but it's more the fact whenever I speak my mind or be honest and mind you I try and be soft in the way I speak it's.never met with understanding
Gebidozo Posted July 17 Posted July 17 2 hours ago, unsureguy99 said: Is this what a relationship is meant to feel like? Not a good relationship, no. She’s been applying a lot of pressure to you and also emotionally manipulating you. It’s not normal that a relationship makes you feel scared. It’s also not normal that you’ve been made to feel guilty for potentially breaking up with a 29 year old woman because “she might not find anyone else” or some other manipulative rubbish like that.
Sanch62 Posted July 17 Posted July 17 17 hours ago, unsureguy99 said: Is this what a relationship is meant to feel like? Nope. Not even close. Quote Why can't we ever just talk through it. She's giving you the perfect reason to exit. I'd take it.
Acacia98 Posted July 17 Posted July 17 On 7/15/2026 at 2:31 AM, Anonymous said: But the 3 things I'm worried about (no order) 1) the distance and how it will work, I don't particularly like the area she lives in and don't want to move there. 2) lifestyle me heavily into fitness, sunlight, movement, clean eating, she likes to just relax in bed, dark rooms, comfort food etc doesn't exercise 3) conflict resolution/self improvement/growth mindset mismatch and not being able to communicate freely/walking on eggshells (...) I just feel really bad she's 29 now she's mentioned suicide and stuff when we have had conflict before I'm scared and worried I wish I felt certain she deserves that Based on the communication challenges alone, I feel your relationship doesn't have a chance of working out on the long term. Communication is the most basic ingredient of a good relationship. If you cannot communicate honestly (and respectfully) with each other, if you can't be honest about who you are and what you hope to get out of life and the relationship, then you are not really relating to each other. And I know it's not exactly the same as masking (which you have spoken of). But it strikes me as being similar: you're having to pretend to be someone you're not in order to fit into her world. On 7/16/2026 at 2:19 AM, unsureguy99 said: I'm neuodivergent and so is she. She doesn't judge me for my social anxiety or other OCD tendencies. I can be weird around her and not wear a mask like I do in day to day life around others. I think the majority of women won't want to stay with me. Prior to her I was indeed lonely for a long time. She's very family oriented, she's loyal she has many good traits. She isn't the type to gossip or play jealousy games or anything like that. She always makes an effort to see me, plan when we spend time together and is really invested in this. She'll always buy me clothes, shoes etc (even though I don't ask her to and often refuse her gifts I tell her to save her money) She also stuck by me and supported me when I had some really major health battles around the time we first started dating. She has a big family and it's given me a bit of a social life as we are always asked to hang out with her siblings / cousins etc when i spend time with her I just feel so guilty and conflicted. OnlineImage Galleries And these are wonderful qualities, indeed. But it doesn't automatically follow that she is compatible with you and you would have a healthy long-term relationship if you actually lived together. It is possible for someone to be a good person and to still not be the right person for you. And it goes both ways. Perhaps there are things about you that make you the wrong person for her. If, indeed, you are incompatible, there's bound to be someone out there who's a better fit for you and someone else who's a better fit for her. On 7/16/2026 at 10:37 AM, unsureguy99 said: She gets really dysregulated sometimes It may be manipulative but not deliberate But she's under pressure to get married Her family are super traditional I'm scared of leaving her shed be 29 and unmarried nearly 30? I don't think you've mentioned any steps she has taken towards learning to self-regulate and becoming emotionally healthier, etc. Is she getting any form of therapy? Is she seeing any professional? If she isn't, why not? 23 hours ago, unsureguy99 said: Last night we had a fight. This has been a recurring issue in this relationship She wants to buy a house together But I'd prefer to rent first to see how we go living together Straight away she reacts and gets upset quest shuts down dysregulated questions my commitment. I'm so tired of this..we can never ever just talk through things.. she never seems interested or understanding It's just reactions. Is this what a relationship is meant to feel like? Why can't we ever just talk through it. Ok I get it weve better together 3 years maybe she wants more but it's more the fact whenever I speak my mind or be honest and mind you I try and be soft in the way I speak it's.never met with understanding Ordinarily, three years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone. But let's be honest. The long distance factor means you haven't spent that much time existing in the same space, sharing experiences. Despite that, you know enough about yourself and her to recognize that you are incompatible in ways that matter. You don't have to move in together to figure that out. Now, remember: Her biological clock is ticking. If she wants to get married and have kids, it's going to take time for her to do what she needs to do to become emotionally healthier, meet someone who is more compatible with her, and get to know him. You're taking that time away from her by being indecisive and hoping she's going to magically transform into a different person. If you choose to stay, you know how these situations sometimes work out, right? If you stay in a relationship where your emotional needs are not being met, you will eventually start to resent the other person. You could end up cheating on her and treating her with contempt, and then you'll hurt her more deeply than you imagined possible. 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18 Posted July 18 On 7/17/2026 at 2:11 AM, unsureguy99 said: Is this what a relationship is meant to feel like? You already know the answer to this. On 7/17/2026 at 2:11 AM, unsureguy99 said: Why can't we ever just talk through it. Because she is emotionally unstable. On 7/16/2026 at 9:39 AM, unsureguy99 said: Only a short relationshop when i was 20 years old. I was lonely for a very long time. I had a feeling that your loneliness was clouding your better judgement here. You say she has been accepting of your neurodivergence, but she aboslutely is not accepting of you as a person. 1
Author unsureguy99 Posted July 18 Author Posted July 18 (edited) 10 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Based on the communication challenges alone, I feel your relationship doesn't have a chance of working out on the long term. Communication is the most basic ingredient of a good relationship. If you cannot communicate honestly (and respectfully) with each other, if you can't be honest about who you are and what you hope to get out of life and the relationship, then you are not really relating to each other. And I know it's not exactly the same as masking (which you have spoken of). But it strikes me as being similar: you're having to pretend to be someone you're not in order to fit into her world. And these are wonderful qualities, indeed. But it doesn't automatically follow that she is compatible with you and you would have a healthy long-term relationship if you actually lived together. It is possible for someone to be a good person and to still not be the right person for you. And it goes both ways. Perhaps there are things about you that make you the wrong person for her. If, indeed, you are incompatible, there's bound to be someone out there who's a better fit for you and someone else who's a better fit for her. I don't think you've mentioned any steps she has taken towards learning to self-regulate and becoming emotionally healthier, etc. Is she getting any form of therapy? Is she seeing any professional? If she isn't, why not? Ordinarily, three years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone. But let's be honest. The long distance factor means you haven't spent that much time existing in the same space, sharing experiences. Despite that, you know enough about yourself and her to recognize that you are incompatible in ways that matter. You don't have to move in together to figure that out. Now, remember: Her biological clock is ticking. If she wants to get married and have kids, it's going to take time for her to do what she needs to do to become emotionally healthier, meet someone who is more compatible with her, and get to know him. You're taking that time away from her by being indecisive and hoping she's going to magically transform into a different person. If you choose to stay, you know how these situations sometimes work out, right? If you stay in a relationship where your emotional needs are not being met, you will eventually start to resent the other person. You could end up cheating on her and treating her with contempt, and then you'll hurt her more deeply than you imagined possible. Dam this has hit me really deep Thank you for your response I feel guilty have I wasted her time? As she's 29 now? I feel really bad. I think that's another issue she doesn't really work on herself. Yes she's gone to a therapist and was diagnosed with ADHD but outside of that she doesn't really self reflect and self improve. She doesn't really have that growth mindset. She does, towards her career and buying a house but not towards herself. I probably enable her behaviour too because I act too nice and accommodating. Edited July 18 by unsureguy99 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18 Posted July 18 3 hours ago, unsureguy99 said: She doesn't really have that growth mindset. She does, towards her career and buying a house but not towards herself. Growth mindset, or daydreaming? 3 hours ago, unsureguy99 said: I feel guilty have I wasted her time? As she's 29 now? Good heavens, she is only 29. And she is a big girl and just as capable of ending the relationship if she doesn't feel your future goals line up. It is up to her to manage her own life's timeline.
Sanch62 Posted July 19 Posted July 19 14 hours ago, unsureguy99 said: Dam this has hit me really deep Thank you for your response I feel guilty have I wasted her time? As she's 29 now? I feel really bad. I think that's another issue she doesn't really work on herself. Yes she's gone to a therapist and was diagnosed with ADHD but outside of that she doesn't really self reflect and self improve. She doesn't really have that growth mindset. She does, towards her career and buying a house but not towards herself. I probably enable her behaviour too because I act too nice and accommodating. There is no time like the present to stop enabling and set her free to do whatever she wants to do about managing her own needs. Breakups are common events. You don’t owe anyone a shard future once you learn that they are not the right match for the kind of relationship you envision for your own future. Go pursue that, and it’s the kindest thing you can do for this woman. It may prompt her to do the work that can benefit her. 2
Alpacalia Posted July 19 Posted July 19 On 7/18/2026 at 3:45 AM, unsureguy99 said: Dam this has hit me really deep Thank you for your response I feel guilty have I wasted her time? As she's 29 now? I feel really bad. I think that's another issue she doesn't really work on herself. Yes she's gone to a therapist and was diagnosed with ADHD but outside of that she doesn't really self reflect and self improve. She doesn't really have that growth mindset. She does, towards her career and buying a house but not towards herself. I probably enable her behaviour too because I act too nice and accommodating. Set her free. Let her find someone better suited for her and you do the same. It's better than coasting along. Continuing the relationship primarily because she's 29 would likely take away more time, not less. Good qualities don't erase incompatibility. It's possible for someone to be kind, loyal, and caring, and still not be the right long-term partner for you. 2
Acacia98 Posted July 20 Posted July 20 On 7/18/2026 at 1:45 PM, unsureguy99 said: Dam this has hit me really deep Thank you for your response I feel guilty have I wasted her time? As she's 29 now? I feel really bad. I think that's another issue she doesn't really work on herself. Yes she's gone to a therapist and was diagnosed with ADHD but outside of that she doesn't really self reflect and self improve. She doesn't really have that growth mindset. She does, towards her career and buying a house but not towards herself. I probably enable her behaviour too because I act too nice and accommodating. I think you're both responsible for having kept an unhealthy relationship alive. She's played her part; you've played yours. Please don't make the mistake of blaming yourself for the entire thing. Acknowledge your role, and make the best decision you can, knowing what you now know about the situation. Let her take responsibility for her part. She decided she was old enough and mature enough to be in a romantic relationship, so she has to be ready to deal with whatever comes with that, including the understanding that she should actually care about your feelings and needs, consider whether you're truly compatible, and, ultimately, break up if the relationship is not working. If she can't handle any of that, then she shouldn't be in a relationship at all. It's not your job to protect her from the fact of being a grownup. 2
Sanch62 Posted July 20 Posted July 20 21 hours ago, Acacia98 said: It's not your job to protect her from the fact of being a grownup This is the key takeaway. Either she’s capable of being an adult or not. If not, she has no business being in an adult relationship, and you’re not beholden to her. You’re free to exit on the grounds that she’s not adult relationship material. If she is capable, then you are free to exit given her responsibility for seeking her own self care to deal with her problems responding to realistic and reasonable conversations about inevitable stuff in relationships. Either way, your path to liberation is clear, it’s just a matter of whether you’re willing to take it. 1
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