I don't know what to do in my relationship

[unsureguy99]

I’m 32M and have been with my girlfriend, 29F, for around three years, mostly long distance. (1 hour flight)

I’ve seriously considered ending the relationship because of how conflict is handled. Small situations can become emotionally intense, and despite discussing this many times, I still often feel nervous about expressing myself honestly because I’m worried she’ll interpret it as rejection or a lack of care.

One example happened while I was working from her house. I briefly lay in bed with her during a break because I was tired. I then got up and lay on the couch near my work area because I had an upcoming call and needed to be close to my computer.

She became upset that I had chosen to lie on the couch instead of continuing to lie beside her. Later, she called me while I was working and the situation escalated into anger and yelling. My heart rate was through the roof, I repeatedly apologised, and she said she no longer wanted to go to a hotel we had booked and wasn’t excited about it anymore. This small event lead to a catastrophic reaction. It's very bad when she gets dysregulated.

Experiences like this make me feel as though I have to constantly consider how every minor action could affect her emotionally. She has ADHD and is sensitive.

We have tried talking about our conflict resolution, and things occasionally improve, but I’m concerned that I suppress my feelings and needs to keep the peace.

However, I recently worked from her house for three weeks, which made the decision much more confusing. This was the longest we've stayed together and felt like a true test for what life would be like together.

After a difficult first week, the relationship became genuinely enjoyable. We were affectionate, spent our evenings together, and disagreements seemed easier to overcome in person than over the phone. I became more attached to her and felt genuinely sad when it was time to leave.

She is a loving, loyal and caring person and her family treats me like a son. They cook for me, include me in everything and even created a comfortable place for me to work. I don’t take any of that lightly.

At the same time, I’m concerned about our long-term lifestyle compatibility. Health, exercise, sport, movement, sleep and eating reasonably well are important to me. She prefers spending a lot of time in bed, naps frequently, doesn’t enjoy exercise or sport, and generally lives a much less active lifestyle. I thought in the future I'd have a relationship where I could be active witb my partner do tennis together, walks eat healthy etc. But my partner isn't into things like this.

Also During the three weeks together, I went to bed later, exercised less, walked less and ate worse. I recognise that I was responsible for my own decisions, but I also felt that maintaining my normal routine was hard and not really supported.

This leaves me stuck between two possibilities.

Maybe we are genuinely much more compatible in person, and I’m at risk of giving up a loving relationship with a good woman and a wonderful family because I’m focusing too much on imperfections. 

Alternatively, maybe the three weeks only felt peaceful because I was accommodating her, avoiding difficult conversations and suppressing parts of myself. If that is the case, I worry I’ll eventually feel trapped or resentful. And additionally will the lifestyle mismatch make me feel miserable long term?

How can I tell the difference between normal relationship compromises and losing myself to keep a relationship stable? Are these issues realistically workable, or do the conflict pattern and lifestyle differences suggest a deeper incompatibility?

I can't just keep coasting through this relationship she doesn't deserve that but I feel so unsure of myself.

Edited July 13 by unsureguy99

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, unsureguy99 said:

How can I tell the difference between normal relationship compromises and losing myself to keep a relationship stable?

This is the question I’ve been asking myself a lot.

I wish there were an easy answer. I can only say that, for me, the answer depends on whether the compromises make me feel better or worse in the long run.

For example, my partner doesn’t like spending every night with me, she has elderly parents and half of the time she stays with them. At first I thought it was a deal breaker, because I believed that full cohabitation was an essential requirement. But then I discovered, to my surprise, that I genuinely liked the arrangement, enjoyed that supposedly “lonely” time, and noticed a positive effect it had on our relationship.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe you should give the “test run” a bit more time than just three weeks. See how things feel then. Maybe you’ll gradually become happy with those adjustments - or maybe not.

Edited July 13 by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, unsureguy99 said:

Maybe we are genuinely much more compatible in person, 

You discovered that you are not, though. 

2 hours ago, unsureguy99 said:

I’m at risk of giving up a loving relationship with a good woman and a wonderful family because I’m focusing too much on imperfections

I think you are minimizing what are actually glaring incompatibilites. You two don't have lifetsyles that work well together, argue a lot and have very different needs and expectations of each other in general. I don't see that somehow producing a wonderful family, nor do I see her a paricularly great partner. You couldn't even lie on the couch to avoid missing a work call without her losing her mind. How do you think she is going to handle life's true challenges with you? If anything, life together will likely be chaotic, stressful and unfulfilling for you. 

[unsureguy99]

43 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You discovered that you are not, though. 

I think you are minimizing what are actually glaring incompatibilites. You two don't have lifetsyles that work well together, argue a lot and have very different needs and expectations of each other in general. I don't see that somehow producing a wonderful family, nor do I see her a paricularly great partner. You couldn't even lie on the couch to avoid missing a work call without her losing her mind. How do you think she is going to handle life's true challenges with you? If anything, life together will likely be chaotic, stressful and unfulfilling for you. 

EducationalResources

 

Yea I think that's what my biggest concern was how can we handle life together if we can't just talk calmly through conflict and things blow up. I'm not perfect myself but I try hard to reflect/ self improve and problem solve ..but she doesn't really have that same mind set as me which hurts.

I'm not sure if during my 3 week stay with her (in the past we'd only stay together for a week tops)  that things got better because her nervous system calmed a bit or because I was just minimising myself to maintain the peace 

 

Probably a combination of both 

 

To me like communication conflict resolution etc are so important I kind of wish I had a partner who shared that mind set of wanting to try and reflect and problem solve and workout how we can be better and not have the same issues reoccur etc but when ive tried  to talk to her about this she just shuts down.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, unsureguy99 said:

but she doesn't really have that same mind set as me which hurts.

It's also completely unsustainable in the long-term. 

It deosn't sound like you two have spent much time together person. Think carefully about what these early red flags are telling you. 

[unsureguy99]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's also completely unsustainable in the long-term. 

It deosn't sound like you two have spent much time together person. Think carefully about what these early red flags are telling you. 

Is it that bad? I miss her.

 

We are both neurodivergent

Dating is super tough for me..I appreciate her despite the issues. Being with soemoen who understands my social anxiety for example and doesn't judge me 

[Sanch62]

You were on your best behavior for 3 weeks, and it’s likely that so was she. That’s not a test of time.

I would not be willing to force a fit with someone I could not trust to keep a sound mind during life’s hard knocks, especially in terms of raising children. If she comes undone over minor nits, would you want your child to be raised with that?

Some people are best loved from far away.

[unsureguy99]

3 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

You were on your best behavior for 3 weeks, and it’s likely that so was she. That’s not a test of time.

I would not be willing to force a fit with someone I could not trust to keep a sound mind during life’s hard knocks, especially in terms of raising children. If she comes undone over minor nits, would you want your child to be raised with that?

Some people are best loved from far away.

Yes it's a huge concern for me

I remember whilst I was with her and she was upset because of what happened with the couch incident.

When she came home from work she just lied on her bed and shut down it was up to me to try talk her out of it and repair things.

It's such a frustrating process when it happens.

 

I straight up asked her, calmly afterwards if we had children etc and you were upset at me  would you shutdown and just lay in your bed whilst I look after the kids

 

She said she wouldn't neglect them.

But still I don't know. It's concerning.. 

Things seemed better the longer I was there though so now I'm confused.

Her emotional dysregulation has been a constant pattern for years, that doesn't seem to get better and due to this I hesitate to progress thigns forward which in turn makes her more dysrgulated.

But maybe the distance just amplifies everything ..maybe be being there for an extended time helps her nervous system?

 

I don't know what to do I feel, sad confused unsure missing her a lot, having withdrawals.

 

[Sanch62]

Well, being there for another two weeks may have kept her calm because you walked on eggshells to cater to her. 
Do you want an equal partner, with whom you can enjoy simpatico, or do you want a patient to tiptoe around for the rest of your life?

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again. I’d make a decision sooner rather than later.

[unsureguy99]

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

Well, being there for another two weeks may have kept her calm because you walked on eggshells to cater to her. 
Do you want an equal partner, with whom you can enjoy simpatico, or do you want a patient to tiptoe around for the rest of your life?

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again. I’d make a decision sooner rather than later.

I was there for 3

Yes I do admit I was scared to say how I truly felt sometimes

[Sanch62]

31 minutes ago, unsureguy99 said:

I was there for 3

Yes I do admit I was scared to say how I truly felt sometimes

Okay, is that how you want to live?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, unsureguy99 said:

Is it that bad? 

For me, it is, yes. This would not be good enough for me and I would not continue dating someone who behaves this way. 

However, I am not you. It is up to you to set your own standards for dating and your life in general. 

[Alpacalia]

On 7/12/2026 at 8:32 PM, unsureguy99 said:

I’m 32M and have been with my girlfriend, 29F, for around three years, mostly long distance. (1 hour flight)

I’ve seriously considered ending the relationship because of how conflict is handled. Small situations can become emotionally intense, and despite discussing this many times, I still often feel nervous about expressing myself honestly because I’m worried she’ll interpret it as rejection or a lack of care.

One example happened while I was working from her house. I briefly lay in bed with her during a break because I was tired. I then got up and lay on the couch near my work area because I had an upcoming call and needed to be close to my computer.

She became upset that I had chosen to lie on the couch instead of continuing to lie beside her. Later, she called me while I was working and the situation escalated into anger and yelling. My heart rate was through the roof, I repeatedly apologised, and she said she no longer wanted to go to a hotel we had booked and wasn’t excited about it anymore. This small event lead to a catastrophic reaction. It's very bad when she gets dysregulated.

Experiences like this make me feel as though I have to constantly consider how every minor action could affect her emotionally. She has ADHD and is sensitive.

We have tried talking about our conflict resolution, and things occasionally improve, but I’m concerned that I suppress my feelings and needs to keep the peace.

However, I recently worked from her house for three weeks, which made the decision much more confusing. This was the longest we've stayed together and felt like a true test for what life would be like together.

After a difficult first week, the relationship became genuinely enjoyable. We were affectionate, spent our evenings together, and disagreements seemed easier to overcome in person than over the phone. I became more attached to her and felt genuinely sad when it was time to leave.

She is a loving, loyal and caring person and her family treats me like a son. They cook for me, include me in everything and even created a comfortable place for me to work. I don’t take any of that lightly.

At the same time, I’m concerned about our long-term lifestyle compatibility. Health, exercise, sport, movement, sleep and eating reasonably well are important to me. She prefers spending a lot of time in bed, naps frequently, doesn’t enjoy exercise or sport, and generally lives a much less active lifestyle. I thought in the future I'd have a relationship where I could be active witb my partner do tennis together, walks eat healthy etc. But my partner isn't into things like this.

Also During the three weeks together, I went to bed later, exercised less, walked less and ate worse. I recognise that I was responsible for my own decisions, but I also felt that maintaining my normal routine was hard and not really supported.

This leaves me stuck between two possibilities.

Maybe we are genuinely much more compatible in person, and I’m at risk of giving up a loving relationship with a good woman and a wonderful family because I’m focusing too much on imperfections. 

Family

 

Alternatively, maybe the three weeks only felt peaceful because I was accommodating her, avoiding difficult conversations and suppressing parts of myself. If that is the case, I worry I’ll eventually feel trapped or resentful. And additionally will the lifestyle mismatch make me feel miserable long term?

How can I tell the difference between normal relationship compromises and losing myself to keep a relationship stable? Are these issues realistically workable, or do the conflict pattern and lifestyle differences suggest a deeper incompatibility?

I can't just keep coasting through this relationship she doesn't deserve that but I feel so unsure of myself.

Well, there's the walking on eggshells anytime your attention is diverted from her.

Then there's the differences in lifestyles, which, are important because they create connectedness but it's also not ESSENTIAL for couples to have the same hobbies and do everything together. It boils down to how much it matters to you that you are able to do these things together versus apart. Sounds like you're at cross roads and there's no easy answer. You say you love her but is it enough?

I will say that a relationship isn't heading in the right direction if it makes you feel so unsure of yourself. 

[Anonymous]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, there's the walking on eggshells anytime your attention is diverted from her.

Then there's the differences in lifestyles, which, are important because they create connectedness but it's also not ESSENTIAL for couples to have the same hobbies and do everything together. It boils down to how much it matters to you that you are able to do these things together versus apart. Sounds like you're at cross roads and there's no easy answer. You say you love her but is it enough?

I will say that a relationship isn't heading in the right direction if it makes you feel so unsure of yourself. 

Yea that's fair

 

I feel so horrible and guilty she will say things like we should buy x/y/z furniture for when we move out and live together in the future and I feel horrible because I agree but deep down I'm indescisve.

I'm super attached to her.

But the 3 things I'm worried about (no order)

1) the distance and how it will work, I don't particularly like the area she lives in and don't want to move there.

 

2) lifestyle me heavily into fitness, sunlight, movement, clean eating, she likes to just relax in bed, dark rooms, comfort food etc doesn't exercise

 

3) conflict resolution/self improvement/growth mindset mismatch and not being able to communicate freely/walking on eggshells feeling

 

 

I just feel really bad she's 29 now she's mentioned suicide and stuff when we have had conflict before I'm scared and worried I wish I felt certain she deserves that

[unsureguy99]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

Yea that's fair

 

I feel so horrible and guilty she will say things like we should buy x/y/z furniture for when we move out and live together in the future and I feel horrible because I agree but deep down I'm indescisve.

I'm super attached to her.

But the 3 things I'm worried about (no order)

1) the distance and how it will work, I don't particularly like the area she lives in and don't want to move there.

 

2) lifestyle me heavily into fitness, sunlight, movement, clean eating, she likes to just relax in bed, dark rooms, comfort food etc doesn't exercise

 

3) conflict resolution/self improvement/growth mindset mismatch and not being able to communicate freely/walking on eggshells feeling

 

 

I just feel really bad she's 29 now she's mentioned suicide and stuff when we have had conflict before I'm scared and worried I wish I felt certain she deserves that

Why did this post as anonymous?

 

What do I do I feel so guilty 

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, unsureguy99 said:

Why did this post as anonymous?

 

What do I do I feel so guilty 

Not sure why it posted as anonymous, maybe you weren't logged in.

Your girlfriend sounds depressed.

You mention she likes to just relax in bed, dark rooms, comfort food etc doesn't exercise and that I am sure kills your attraction towards her.

You feel guilty because you care about her and love her but we can't squash our own feelings to accommodate indefinitely just to accommodate someone else's needs. You can have compassion for her but not at the expense of your own feelings. If you continue to squash your feelings you're just going to end up resentful and that in itself is a relationship killer and not fair to either of you. Let her be free to find someone that is more suitable for her and you do the same.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am curious what attracted you to this person to begin with, OP. 

You seem to have almost nothing in common and don't get along very well. You are also a plane-ride away. Were you feeling particularly lonely when you met her?

[Alpacalia]

ExpatInItaly makes a good point, and I wonder if part of what drew you to her was that  you connected on things that have always been hard for you to find in dating. 

Maybe because dating has been difficult, you've been more willing to overlook problems that you wouldn't normally accept.

I know you miss her a lot, which is what makes this so confusing. If you didn't care so deeply, I think this decision would actually be much easier.

[unsureguy99]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

ExpatInItaly makes a good point, and I wonder if part of what drew you to her was that  you connected on things that have always been hard for you to find in dating. 

Maybe because dating has been difficult, you've been more willing to overlook problems that you wouldn't normally accept.

I know you miss her a lot, which is what makes this so confusing. If you didn't care so deeply, I think this decision would actually be much easier.

 

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am curious what attracted you to this person to begin with, OP. 

Forum& Chat Providers

 

You seem to have almost nothing in common and don't get along very well. You are also a plane-ride away. Were you feeling particularly lonely when you met her?

I guess I didn't really include what makes her great.

The biggest for me is she's a good person doesn't judge my neurodivergence.

I'm neuodivergent and so is she. She doesn't judge me for my social anxiety or other OCD tendencies. I can be weird around her and not wear a mask like I do in day to day life around others. I think the majority of women won't want to stay with me. Prior to her I was indeed lonely for a long time. 

 

She's very family oriented, she's loyal she has many good traits. She isn't the type to gossip or play jealousy games or anything like that. She always makes an effort to see me, plan when we spend time together and is really invested in this. She'll always buy me clothes,  shoes etc (even though I don't ask her to and often refuse her gifts I tell her to save her money)

She also stuck by me and supported me when I had some really major health battles around the time we first started dating.

She has a big family and it's given me a bit of a social life as we are always asked to hang out with her siblings / cousins etc when i spend time with her

I just  feel so guilty and conflicted. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

44 minutes ago, unsureguy99 said:

I guess I didn't really include what makes her great.

The biggest for me is she's a good person doesn't judge my neurodivergence.

I'm neuodivergent and so is she. She doesn't judge me for my social anxiety or other OCD tendencies. I can be weird around her and not wear a mask like I do in day to day life around others. I think the majority of women won't want to stay with me. Prior to her I was indeed lonely for a long time. 

 

She's very family oriented, she's loyal she has many good traits. She isn't the type to gossip or play jealousy games or anything like that. She always makes an effort to see me, plan when we spend time together and is really invested in this. She'll always buy me clothes,  shoes etc (even though I don't ask her to and often refuse her gifts I tell her to save her money)

She also stuck by me and supported me when I had some really major health battles around the time we first started dating.

She has a big family and it's given me a bit of a social life as we are always asked to hang out with her siblings / cousins etc when i spend time with her

I just  feel so guilty and conflicted. 

Dictionaries& Encyclopedias

 

You genuinely love aspects of her. No doubt, but it doesn't sound like it's enough for you. And you did mention prior to her you were lonely for a long time so I'm sure it feels good to find someone that accepts you. But, you're not accepting of her in the same way based on everything you wrote and that's not really fair to her.

I think you're staying because you're weighing those problems against someone who has shown you acceptance during a lonely period of your life, and because you're afraid of hurting someone you care about.

[unsureguy99]

42 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You genuinely love aspects of her. No doubt, but it doesn't sound like it's enough for you. And you did mention prior to her you were lonely for a long time so I'm sure it feels good to find someone that accepts you. But, you're not accepting of her in the same way based on everything you wrote and that's not really fair to her.

I think you're staying because you're weighing those problems against someone who has shown you acceptance during a lonely period of your life, and because you're afraid of hurting someone you care about.

Yes I think you're right.. another part of me thinks maybe im expecting too much 

I do have perfectionism tendencies, sometimes I wonder it wouldn't matter who I was with I'd probably find faults in them or expect more.

It's really hard because everyday she'd always talk about future things holidays plans to move in I just agree because  half I'm scared and unsure  half I do want that

I'm too afraid to say otherwise  she's super sensitive to any sense of rejection and had talked about suicide before and if we ever broke up she would have great shame and embaressment In her family

She doesn't really have hobbies and it feels like her happiness is very dependent on this relationship. It's scary. I'm scared . I feel sorry for her  I don't know. 

[Alpacalia]

19 minutes ago, unsureguy99 said:

Yes I think you're right.. another part of me thinks maybe im expecting too much 

I do have perfectionism tendencies, sometimes I wonder it wouldn't matter who I was with I'd probably find faults in them or expect more.

It's really hard because everyday she'd always talk about future things holidays plans to move in I just agree because  half I'm scared and unsure  half I do want that

I'm too afraid to say otherwise  she's super sensitive to any sense of rejection and had talked about suicide before and if we ever broke up she would have great shame and embaressment In her family

She doesn't really have hobbies and it feels like her happiness is very dependent on this relationship. It's scary. I'm scared . I feel sorry for her  I don't know. 

We all have deal breakers when it comes to dating and these ones here look pretty clear. Staying because you feel sorry for her is not really a good reason though. It does not seem fair to either person and nobody wants someone around just out of pity.

Agreeing to move in together and plan holidays and all these big things when you are not sure feels like being trapped more than anything else. Maybe that part gets overlooked sometimes. It is not really about wanting everything perfect. And you're coasting along, while not being honest with her, that it isn't what you really want.

I think talking to a therapist might be worth trying here because this stuff can get messy fast. 

This relationship is clearly stressing you out and you need help figuring out what's your responsibility and what's not.

Edited July 16 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

Those good qualities are coming at a serious price to your mental health and emotional well-being, OP. 

You're not expecting too much of this woman. She sounds very unstable and takes it out on you. I am wondering, have you had a girlfriend before? 

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, unsureguy99 said:

I'm too afraid to say otherwise  she's super sensitive to any sense of rejection and had talked about suicide before and if we ever broke up she would have great shame and embaressment In her family

She doesn't really have hobbies and it feels like her happiness is very dependent on this relationship. It's scary. I'm scared . I feel sorry for her  I don't know. 

Sounds like she’s using emotional blackmail to keep you in place and keep you in line. That’s the stuff healthy people get away from quickly.

Sticking around for that will wreck your life. Dodge the bullet.

[unsureguy99]

32 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Sounds like she’s using emotional blackmail to keep you in place and keep you in line. That’s the stuff healthy people get away from quickly.

Sticking around for that will wreck your life. Dodge the bullet.

I'm not sure but she is serious 

She gets really dysregulated sometimes 

It may be manipulative but not deliberate 

But she's under pressure to get married 

Her family are super traditional 

 

I'm scared of leaving her shed be 29 and unmarried nearly 30?

 

I feel really bad