being seeing a guy for 2 months and it's going well, but it seems like he doesn't want to commit

[palebluerug]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Yeah. He's def not ready to put a label on it. Don't chase him, don't have another "what are we?" conversation, just let his actions answer the question. If he reaches out, makes concrete plans, and returns to his previous level of effort, then this was likely just a busy period. If the silence continues and the lower effort becomes the new normal, then you have your answer without having to decode mixed signals.

The thing is though, you want to be exclusive and he's been dodging the question so you're not on the same page. Don't wait indefinitely for him to get there.

the only real answer i got about exclusivity was i asked him about 3 weeks ago now if he's been seeing anyone else and he said no, and then i asked if he plans to and he said "i dont want to" and then when my friend asked me to see his dating profile awhile ago i found it was gone.

so basically we have been exclusive but again, not much clarity or anything set from him. i'll give it another week i guess, but for now i'm focusing on detaching a little emotionally. 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, palebluerug said:

the only real answer i got about exclusivity was i asked him about 3 weeks ago now if he's been seeing anyone else and he said no, and then i asked if he plans to and he said "i dont want to" and then when my friend asked me to see his dating profile awhile ago i found it was gone.

Datingtips guide

 

so basically we have been exclusive but again, not much clarity or anything set from him. i'll give it another week i guess, but for now i'm focusing on detaching a little emotionally. 

Oh, so he basically said that he's only seeing you. That's a good sign.

What I'd avoid doing, though, is treating this next week like a deadline you've set in your head. Just watch what he does. If he reaches out, makes plans, and gets back to the level of consistency he's shown over the last two months, then I'd chalk this up to a stressful week. If he doesn't, then you'll know the shift wasn't temporary.

I do think emotionally detaching a little is healthy not as a way to play games, but as a way to protect yourself. Let him meet you halfway. You've already been clear about what you're looking for. At this point, there's nothing more you need to say. His next move will tell you a lot more than another conversation would.

[palebluerug]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Oh, so he basically said that he's only seeing you. That's a good sign.

What I'd avoid doing, though, is treating this next week like a deadline you've set in your head. Just watch what he does. If he reaches out, makes plans, and gets back to the level of consistency he's shown over the last two months, then I'd chalk this up to a stressful week. If he doesn't, then you'll know the shift wasn't temporary.

I do think emotionally detaching a little is healthy not as a way to play games, but as a way to protect yourself. Let him meet you halfway. You've already been clear about what you're looking for. At this point, there's nothing more you need to say. His next move will tell you a lot more than another conversation would.

yeah, i mean it's possible he was lying, but he's a busy guy and i don't think he would've had the time to see more people than me given we were seeing each other twice a week, and spending the whole day together on weekends. he also doesn't seem like a shitty enough guy to lie about that, lol. he does seem genuine and calm in person, which is what i liked about him.

i really hate waiting, but that's kind of all you can do when you're dealing with other people. i'll just leave it and won't text him unless he messages me first. thanks for your inputs, it's been helpful! 

[Sony12]

11 hours ago, palebluerug said:

so strange how men do this honestly. he's affectionate out in public outside sex too, but i guess men will be men lol 

i don't think he's an awful person or anything, but the past few days have definitely changed my opinion of him too. if he wanted to reach out and at least communicate the next time to see each other after he figures out all his job stuff, he would've. i was quite upset the last few days but today i see it more clearly. disappointing, but it is what it is.

Standardized& Admissions Tests

Men like sex with women who seem to want it just as much as they do. Women who chase them just as much or more then they chase her. From the way you describe your time together it sounds like you two have had sex or at least had some form of heavy sexual interaction practically every single time you have seen one another.

Guys will try to keep that going when they have it because unless he is a star athlete who will get paid big bucks for it or is a movie star not every woman they meet will treat them that way. So until she starts making him feel uncomfortable he will tell her what he needs to to keep her acting like that.

[Lauriebell82]

12 hours ago, palebluerug said:

so strange how men do this honestly. he's affectionate out in public outside sex too, but i guess men will be men lol 

i don't think he's an awful person or anything, but the past few days have definitely changed my opinion of him too. if he wanted to reach out and at least communicate the next time to see each other after he figures out all his job stuff, he would've. i was quite upset the last few days but today i see it more clearly. disappointing, but it is what it is.

It's not all men, it's just the avoidants that we attract who tend to behave like this early on. It's really hard to catch because they are very good at trying to keep their behavior very consistent for the first couple months as to NOT raise any red flags and be on their best behavior. It's when we start to notice the cracks (and we as anxious types are usually very aware of these nuances) and start to have these conversations that it starts what is known as the "push/pull cycle" where they more we call them out on their behavior or ask them where things are going, the more they uncomfortable they get because their nervous systems recognize that as intimacy building and they retreat. 

I think the fact that you are seeing it so clearly now is a good thing because I WISH I would have seen it early in some of my previous relationships and not spent years with non-committal men who appeared committal. Also I find it really helpful to read up on anxious attachment and how to flip that to secure so that you stop attracting the avoidants of the world and start attracting secure men instead! They have lots of books for us out there to help on this topic. One really good one is "Anxious Attachment Rewired" by Shay Nataila. 

[Lauriebell82]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Men like sex with women who seem to want it just as much as they do. Women who chase them just as much or more then they chase her. From the way you describe your time together it sounds like you two have had sex or at least had some form of heavy sexual interaction practically every single time you have seen one another.

Guys will try to keep that going when they have it because unless he is a star athlete who will get paid big bucks for it or is a movie star not every woman they meet will treat them that way. So until she starts making him feel uncomfortable he will tell her what he needs to to keep her acting like that.

Yep. 100%.

I tend to go for men like to this, mistaking sexual connection for something more. But unfortunately there isn't really anything there other then the sexual connection so then later in the relationship when the sex eases up (and it almost always does) and try to build off the emotional connection-SURPRISE, there is nothing there so we have to go back to having sex to have anything there. The reason for this is because the guy is an avoidant so they prioritize sex over emotional connection and the anxiously attached (like myself) of the world go along with their at the beginning because we feel that they are sort of fulfilling our little fantasy of them romancing us and sweeping us off our feet. So it works temporarily and both parties know this. Until it switches and boom the anxious/avoidant trap ignites. It always happens because obviously it's difficult to build a long term serious relationship on just sex, most women are eventually going to want something more than that and men know this, they just hope to hell that they can be so amazing and satisfy their women enough to prevent them from saying anything about it.

I'd say my last ex was pretty good though, it took me years to really get fed up with his behavior enough for me to start getting irritated.

Edited 7 hours ago by Lauriebell82

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, palebluerug said:

yeah, i mean it's possible he was lying, but he's a busy guy and i don't think he would've had the time to see more people than me given we were seeing each other twice a week, and spending the whole day together on weekends. he also doesn't seem like a shitty enough guy to lie about that, lol. he does seem genuine and calm in person, which is what i liked about him.

Standardized& Admissions Tests

 

i really hate waiting, but that's kind of all you can do when you're dealing with other people. i'll just leave it and won't text him unless he messages me first. thanks for your inputs, it's been helpful! 

I'm glad you've found my comments helpful and I hope he's not doing the slow fade, if you don't hear from him soon it's okay to chalk this up to that he's no longer interested.

Even though it's hurtful, you don't want to wait around for someone that isn't as invested as you are. I would think he could take a couple minutes out of his day to say hi. 

You've know him for two months, he's still essentially a man that you know little about.

It's daunting when you have to start all over again after something that seemed promising. 

Keep us posted!

Edited 5 hours ago by Alpacalia