being seeing a guy for 2 months and it's going well, but it seems like he doesn't want to commit

[palebluerug]

a year ago I got out of a toxic five year relationship where I constantly felt like I had to prove myself - always bending over backwards for him, never feeling like I was enough. I always sacrificed my needs to try to make him happy. I grew up in an emotionally neglectful home and moved around a lot as a kid, and my people pleasing tendencies were developed very early on. I have anxious avoidant tendencies.

I was single for almost a year and recently met someone on a dating app. Had very low expectations, and it’s been surprisingly great, but I can’t help but be anticipating the worst.

It’s been two months and we’ve seen each other twice a week since we’ve met, and we spend many hours together. He asked me to make a list of what I like to eat and do, remembers them, and plans dates around things, even the activities I mention offhandedly. I try to split the bill for meals but he usually doesn’t let me and pays for a lot of the activities we do. He remembers the things I’ve shared about myself or random comments I’ve made. He’s very physically affectionate, and I feel safe enough to reciprocate.

He’s not a great texter (not on his phone much and his job is really busy), though i do feel in the past 2 weeks he's been slower than usual and less warm.

The guessing game of whether he’s seeing other people was driving me nuts so asked him recently if he’s been seeing other people and he said no. And then I asked if he plans to and he said I don’t want to. One of my friends asked me to see his dating profile and when i went to pull it up it was gone. She said he either deactivated it or unmatched me deliberately to keep talking to other people.

yesterday i brought up the relationship situation, and the conversation wasn't really what i was expecting. so i told him that i like him a lot, and didnt really expect to like him so much. and then i said something along the lines of i dont want to date casually, i'd only want something long term. he said he's on the same page and thinks dating without intent is a waste of time. he said that in the past he's rushed into relationships and i asked why, is it he gets carried away by emotions, or did he just want to be in relationships, and he said both.

but he never really matched what i said about liking him a lot, he never confirmed he went off the dating apps. i'm conflicted about how to feel because he's done everything right except commit with words and the reticence to talk about the relationship feels weird to me. because very early on, maybe 2 weeks in, he did bring up questions like my ex, talked about what we expect in relationships. so clearly he is capable of talking about it. 

 

 

[stillafool]

Maybe you need to ask him direct questions to get the answers you seek.

[palebluerug]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Maybe you need to ask him direct questions to get the answers you seek.

I did ask yesterday, but the conversation didn't really give me much clarity, just that he said he's on the same page and thinks dating without intent is a waste of time, and in the past he's rushed into relationships. so i don't really want to ask again either, because 2 weeks ago i also brought up exclusivity, which we are exclusive basically.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, palebluerug said:

I did ask yesterday, but the conversation didn't really give me much clarity, just that he said he's on the same page and thinks dating without intent is a waste of time, and in the past he's rushed into relationships. so i don't really want to ask again either, because 2 weeks ago i also brought up exclusivity, which we are exclusive basically.

Dating& Personals

 

Did you ask him if he was still on dating apps?

25 minutes ago, palebluerug said:

And then I asked if he plans to and he said I don’t want to.

Did you ask him to clarify this statement?

 

27 minutes ago, palebluerug said:

he said he's on the same page and thinks dating without intent is a waste of time.

Did you ask him specifically what his intention is for this relationship?

 

30 minutes ago, palebluerug said:

he said that in the past he's rushed into relationships and i asked why, is it he gets carried away by emotions, or did he just want to be in relationships, and he said both.

Has he asked you to be his girlfriend?

[palebluerug]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you ask him if he was still on dating apps?

Did you ask him to clarify this statement?

 

Did you ask him specifically what his intention is for this relationship?

 

Has he asked you to be his girlfriend?

Haha to answer in order:

1. 2 weeks ago yes, he said he hasn't been seeing anyone else and when i asked if he plans to he said i dont want to. his profile is gone now

2. not really 

3. no

4. no 

lol, i guess i didn't really ask many clarifying questions, but he seemed reluctant to go into it much, so i didn't feel like i could ask many things either