being seeing a guy for 2 months and it's going well, but it seems like he doesn't want to commit

July 9

a year ago I got out of a toxic five year relationship where I constantly felt like I had to prove myself - always bending over backwards for him, never feeling like I was enough. I always sacrificed my needs to try to make him happy. I grew up in an emotionally neglectful home and moved around a lot as a kid, and my people pleasing tendencies were developed very early on. I have anxious avoidant tendencies.

I was single for almost a year and recently met someone on a dating app. Had very low expectations, and it’s been surprisingly great, but I can’t help but be anticipating the worst.

It’s been two months and we’ve seen each other twice a week since we’ve met, and we spend many hours together. He asked me to make a list of what I like to eat and do, remembers them, and plans dates around things, even the activities I mention offhandedly. I try to split the bill for meals but he usually doesn’t let me and pays for a lot of the activities we do. He remembers the things I’ve shared about myself or random comments I’ve made. He’s very physically affectionate, and I feel safe enough to reciprocate.

He’s not a great texter (not on his phone much and his job is really busy), though i do feel in the past 2 weeks he's been slower than usual and less warm.

The guessing game of whether he’s seeing other people was driving me nuts so asked him recently if he’s been seeing other people and he said no. And then I asked if he plans to and he said I don’t want to. One of my friends asked me to see his dating profile and when i went to pull it up it was gone. She said he either deactivated it or unmatched me deliberately to keep talking to other people.

yesterday i brought up the relationship situation, and the conversation wasn't really what i was expecting. so i told him that i like him a lot, and didnt really expect to like him so much. and then i said something along the lines of i dont want to date casually, i'd only want something long term. he said he's on the same page and thinks dating without intent is a waste of time. he said that in the past he's rushed into relationships and i asked why, is it he gets carried away by emotions, or did he just want to be in relationships, and he said both.

but he never really matched what i said about liking him a lot, he never confirmed he went off the dating apps. i'm conflicted about how to feel because he's done everything right except commit with words and the reticence to talk about the relationship feels weird to me. because very early on, maybe 2 weeks in, he did bring up questions like my ex, talked about what we expect in relationships. so clearly he is capable of talking about it.

July 9

Maybe you need to ask him direct questions to get the answers you seek.

July 9

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Maybe you need to ask him direct questions to get the answers you seek.

I did ask yesterday, but the conversation didn't really give me much clarity, just that he said he's on the same page and thinks dating without intent is a waste of time, and in the past he's rushed into relationships. so i don't really want to ask again either, because 2 weeks ago i also brought up exclusivity, which we are exclusive basically.

July 9

1 minute ago, palebluerug said:

I did ask yesterday, but the conversation didn't really give me much clarity, just that he said he's on the same page and thinks dating without intent is a waste of time, and in the past he's rushed into relationships. so i don't really want to ask again either, because 2 weeks ago i also brought up exclusivity, which we are exclusive basically.

Dating& Personals

Did you ask him if he was still on dating apps?

25 minutes ago, palebluerug said:

And then I asked if he plans to and he said I don’t want to.

Did you ask him to clarify this statement?

27 minutes ago, palebluerug said:

he said he's on the same page and thinks dating without intent is a waste of time.

Did you ask him specifically what his intention is for this relationship?

30 minutes ago, palebluerug said:

he said that in the past he's rushed into relationships and i asked why, is it he gets carried away by emotions, or did he just want to be in relationships, and he said both.

Has he asked you to be his girlfriend?

July 9

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you ask him if he was still on dating apps?

Did you ask him to clarify this statement?

Did you ask him specifically what his intention is for this relationship?

Has he asked you to be his girlfriend?

Haha to answer in order:

1. 2 weeks ago yes, he said he hasn't been seeing anyone else and when i asked if he plans to he said i dont want to. his profile is gone now

2. not really

3. no

4. no

lol, i guess i didn't really ask many clarifying questions, but he seemed reluctant to go into it much, so i didn't feel like i could ask many things either

July 10

Your statement that he's very physically affectionate and that you reciprocate sticks out. Pretty easy to tell what that means.

Sounds like he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Best thing to do if you are truly looking for something more serious is to take things slower. That will usually weed out the people who are mainly looking for some 'physical affection'.

July 10

Depending on my own stage of life, I’d handle this in one of two ways. If I were ready to find a serious committed relationship, I’d rule this guy out just based on my own discomfort with his lack of reciprocity and his shift from being open to seeming closed. That’s not long range material for me. I’d envision better for myself and I’d avoid my old pattern of trying to ‘win’ him.

If I were in a transitional stage or beyond that, settled into comfort and happiness with who I am, and without concern for finding my forever partner or seeking to start a family, then I could relax about his limitations and consider him a fun but temporary friend with whom I can go on play dates and learn more over time whether any kind of closer bond might develop without a need to influence that.

But the latter would be too dangerous for me to attempt had I experienced the kind of relationship with an ex that you described. Staying with anyone who confuses you or trips that trigger to please and hope for change would squelch my healing and harm my self respect. So I would ditch all attempts to influence this man to become a good match for me. I’d stop seeing him, take some time to regroup, and reward myself for putting my own self care in front of trying to force a fit with someone who doesn’t feel like a positive match.

July 10

23 hours ago, palebluerug said:

The guessing game of whether he’s seeing other people was driving me nuts so asked him recently if he’s been seeing other people and he said no. And then I asked if he plans to and he said I don’t want to. One of my friends asked me to see his dating profile and when i went to pull it up it was gone. She said he either deactivated it or unmatched me deliberately to keep talking to other people.

yesterday i brought up the relationship situation, and the conversation wasn't really what i was expecting. so i told him that i like him a lot, and didnt really expect to like him so much. and then i said something along the lines of i dont want to date casually, i'd only want something long term. he said he's on the same page and thinks dating without intent is a waste of time. he said that in the past he's rushed into relationships and i asked why, is it he gets carried away by emotions, or did he just want to be in relationships, and he said both.

It's been two months and he has stated he is not seeing other people and that he doesn't want to. He also said he's on the same page as you with regard to dating with something long term in mind. He elaborated that he has a history of rushing into relationships, which provides context around taking things slower... although I think his pace at 2 months in seems pretty reasonable.

What exactly are you wanting him to say/do?

July 11

On 7/9/2026 at 9:10 PM, Sony12 said:

Your statement that he's very physically affectionate and that you reciprocate sticks out. Pretty easy to tell what that means.

Sounds like he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Best thing to do if you are truly looking for something more serious is to take things slower. That will usually weed out the people who are mainly looking for some 'physical affection'.

I think it's valid to want to take things slower, and I can't tell if I would want the same thing if I wasn't feeling so anxious about it, if that makes sense. He did early on say that he doesn't want to be with me just for sex, but hasn't mentioned it since. He is very affectionate outside the bedroom too, just when we're in public or hanging around.

Do you think he told me what he thinks I want to hear out of just wanting to keep me around for company but not committing?

July 11

23 hours ago, introverted1 said:

It's been two months and he has stated he is not seeing other people and that he doesn't want to. He also said he's on the same page as you with regard to dating with something long term in mind. He elaborated that he has a history of rushing into relationships, which provides context around taking things slower... although I think his pace at 2 months in seems pretty reasonable.

What exactly are you wanting him to say/do?

I think a clearer commitment or indication of intent would be good, although these past 2 conversations because I initiated them and he didn't seem that keen on having the conversations, it made me hesitant about his intentions. People say look at actions and not words, but there are very few words, lol

The past week he's also been less responsive, taken less initiative to make plans. So I'm not sure how I feel about it right now.

July 11

On 7/10/2026 at 10:13 AM, Sanch62 said:

Depending on my own stage of life, I’d handle this in one of two ways. If I were ready to find a serious committed relationship, I’d rule this guy out just based on my own discomfort with his lack of reciprocity and his shift from being open to seeming closed. That’s not long range material for me. I’d envision better for myself and I’d avoid my old pattern of trying to ‘win’ him.

If I were in a transitional stage or beyond that, settled into comfort and happiness with who I am, and without concern for finding my forever partner or seeking to start a family, then I could relax about his limitations and consider him a fun but temporary friend with whom I can go on play dates and learn more over time whether any kind of closer bond might develop without a need to influence that.

But the latter would be too dangerous for me to attempt had I experienced the kind of relationship with an ex that you described. Staying with anyone who confuses you or trips that trigger to please and hope for change would squelch my healing and harm my self respect. So I would ditch all attempts to influence this man to become a good match for me. I’d stop seeing him, take some time to regroup, and reward myself for putting my own self care in front of trying to force a fit with someone who doesn’t feel like a positive match.

I can't tell which option is better for me, I do think they're both valid choices. I'm not looking to settle and start a family anytime soon, but I do generally like to date seriously when I do and date with the intention of potentially finding a life partner. So the lack of clarity on his intention here is also making me anxious, I've been feeling more drained than I do happy the past week. The only real out is to bring up the conversation again, but he's been so tepid the last two times I've spoken about it that I'm hesitant.

July 11

1 hour ago, palebluerug said:

Do you think he told me what he thinks I want to hear out of just wanting to keep me around for company but not committing?

Yes it's extremely common for men to essentially tell women who seem very willing to sexually satisfy them what they want to hear so they keep on giving them what they want. They know that the women will catch on eventually but in the meantime they will be getting blown, screwed, and having her take her clothes off for him pretty much whenever he wants it.

July 11

One thing I have learned....what you see is what you get. Don't like what you see, you simply move on. Like I always say, you date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. If you have to have a "conversation" only at two months of dating, it not going to work out.

July 11

4 hours ago, palebluerug said:

I've been feeling more drained than I do happy the past week.

What does this tell you?

Quote

The only real out is to bring up the conversation again, but he's been so tepid the last two times I've spoken about it that I'm hesitant.

What good would that do? If he's tepid a third time, is that what it would take to squelch an idea that he might suddenly bounce back into warmth and excitement for you?

Do you believe that tepid is all you deserve to settle for, or do you owe it to yourself to find the right match with whom you can click and bliss out over simpatico?

This guy is not him. I'd toss him back into the pond.

July 11

The conversation has been too vague. If you want clear answers, make your questions more direct "I'm really enjoying spending time with you. I want to check that you feel the same way and are open to being exclusive"

July 12

Hmmm.

His behavior over the past two months has been consistently thoughtful and relationship-oriented. He sees you twice a week, plans dates around things you've mentioned, remembers the little details, is physically affectionate, and told you he isn't seeing anyone else and doesn't want to. He also said he believes dating without the intention of a long-term relationship is a waste of time.

Those actions all point in the same direction.

I can understand why you felt disappointed when you told him you like him a lot and he didn't respond with the same level of verbal reassurance. But his response may have less to do with a lack of feelings and more to do with what he shared about his past. He admitted that he's rushed into relationships before because he got carried away by his emotions and liked being in relationships. If he's trying to avoid repeating that pattern, it makes sense that he'd be more intentional about putting a label on things.

That doesn't mean your concerns aren't valid, but two months is still relatively new.

19 hours ago, palebluerug said:

The past week he's also been less responsive, taken less initiative to make plans. So I'm not sure how I feel about it right now.

I'd keep an eye on that, but I also wouldn't let one quieter week outweigh the previous two months of consistent effort.

You're also bringing up the "what are we?" conversation fairly early, and from what you've described, he's been consistent in saying he wants a long-term relationship while also being cautious about rushing into one. Those two things can coexist.

I'd pay closer attention to what happens over the next couple of weeks than to one conversation or one quieter week. If the lower effort becomes the new normal, then that's useful information. But if he returns to the pattern he's shown for the past two months, I'd be more inclined to see this as someone trying to build a relationship deliberately rather than someone pulling away.

I know it's an anxious time for you, but you have to allow some space for things to develop naturally. Not every relationship follows the same timeline, and after only two months it's reasonable that he's still figuring out how he feels, especially if he's trying not to repeat his pattern of rushing into relationships. Watch whether his actions continue to match his words over the next few weeks. That will tell you far more than trying to force clarity before either of you is ready.

Edited July 12 by Alpacalia

July 13

On 7/12/2026 at 8:59 AM, Alpacalia said:

Hmmm.

His behavior over the past two months has been consistently thoughtful and relationship-oriented. He sees you twice a week, plans dates around things you've mentioned, remembers the little details, is physically affectionate, and told you he isn't seeing anyone else and doesn't want to. He also said he believes dating without the intention of a long-term relationship is a waste of time.

Those actions all point in the same direction.

I can understand why you felt disappointed when you told him you like him a lot and he didn't respond with the same level of verbal reassurance. But his response may have less to do with a lack of feelings and more to do with what he shared about his past. He admitted that he's rushed into relationships before because he got carried away by his emotions and liked being in relationships. If he's trying to avoid repeating that pattern, it makes sense that he'd be more intentional about putting a label on things.

That doesn't mean your concerns aren't valid, but two months is still relatively new.

I'd keep an eye on that, but I also wouldn't let one quieter week outweigh the previous two months of consistent effort.

You're also bringing up the "what are we?" conversation fairly early, and from what you've described, he's been consistent in saying he wants a long-term relationship while also being cautious about rushing into one. Those two things can coexist.

I'd pay closer attention to what happens over the next couple of weeks than to one conversation or one quieter week. If the lower effort becomes the new normal, then that's useful information. But if he returns to the pattern he's shown for the past two months, I'd be more inclined to see this as someone trying to build a relationship deliberately rather than someone pulling away.

I know it's an anxious time for you, but you have to allow some space for things to develop naturally. Not every relationship follows the same timeline, and after only two months it's reasonable that he's still figuring out how he feels, especially if he's trying not to repeat his pattern of rushing into relationships. Watch whether his actions continue to match his words over the next few weeks. That will tell you far more than trying to force clarity before either of you is ready.

yeah that makes sense, thanks for sharing your thoughts. i do understand the validity of taking time to be sure about someone.

so we were supposed to meet this weekend but on saturday he texted me saying he has a lot of job stuff to take care of, he's in the middle of a career change. i wished him good luck, and it's monday now and i haven't heard from him since. this is definitely unusual for him but now i'm not sure now long to give it before i consider it over, i wonder if it's also kind of an excuse to pull back and not put effort in.

July 13

1 minute ago, palebluerug said:

yeah that makes sense, thanks for sharing your thoughts. i do understand the validity of taking time to be sure about someone.

so we were supposed to meet this weekend but on saturday he texted me saying he has a lot of job stuff to take care of, he's in the middle of a career change. i wished him good luck, and it's monday now and i haven't heard from him since. this is definitely unusual for him but now i'm not sure now long to give it before i consider it over, i wonder if it's also kind of an excuse to pull back and not put effort in.

90% of the time these reasons they give are usually just an excuse. It's possible there is some truth in it but it's just as likely he is just saying that because he doesn't want to get together. Just remember when people truly want to get together with someone they will find time no matter how busy they are.

It's pretty clear you have already given him what he was looking for and now he is likely doing the slow fade because he thinks you are taking things more seriously then he is comfortable with.

July 13

44 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

90% of the time these reasons they give are usually just an excuse. It's possible there is some truth in it but it's just as likely he is just saying that because he doesn't want to get together. Just remember when people truly want to get together with someone they will find time no matter how busy they are.

It's pretty clear you have already given him what he was looking for and now he is likely doing the slow fade because he thinks you are taking things more seriously then he is comfortable with.

yeah i guess i just have to wait and see so tired of all this bullshit

July 13

7 hours ago, palebluerug said:

this is definitely unusual for him but now i'm not sure now long to give it before i consider it over, i wonder if it's also kind of an excuse to pull back and not put effort in.

When is the last time you saw him?

Yes, he could be pulling back. It does sound like a blow off so I would not reach out to him unless he makes an effort to see you again.

I wouldn't chase him or have another "what are we?" conversation. The ball is in his court. Give him some space and see what he does next.

Edited July 13 by Alpacalia

July 13

6 hours ago, palebluerug said:

yeah i guess i just have to wait and see so tired of all this bullshit

I wouldn't bother. You're basically single at this point and you're sensing (correctly) the inevitable pulling away because he knows you are over the faux relationship status. You don't need to waste time waiting for him to decide or keep deflecting the question with vague answers. There are other great men out there who are more decisive and know what they want and don't lean on the crutch of being hurt in the past. That excuse only works if you go along with it.

In your shoes, I'd politely let him know that you liked him but don't think this is going anywhere and that you are going to start dating other people. I know it is hard, but it sets a clear expectation, not only to him, but also to yourself going forward.

Wishing you good luck whatever you decide to do.

July 13

On 7/9/2026 at 9:10 PM, Sony12 said:

Your statement that he's very physically affectionate and that you reciprocate sticks out. Pretty easy to tell what that means.

Sounds like he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Best thing to do if you are truly looking for something more serious is to take things slower. That will usually weed out the people who are mainly looking for some 'physical affection'.

I would agree with this. It's also been my experience that early on a guy will tell you what he wants without you having to play a bunch of guessing games. Perhaps you can benefit from my experience because your guy sounds like every ex I have ever had. I'm also anxiously attached and attract avoidants like wildfire and yes I think you'd got an avoidant here. Unfortunately we can't and don't spot them in the beginning because they are excellent at snowballing us and putting on a good front. But of course that changes.

For example, I just came out of a 9 year relationship and a few things stand out to me from the very beginning. My ex boyfriend at the beginning did tell me he wanted a long term relationship, yet he did not say what kind (there are several kinds of long term relationships ranging from casual weekend encouters and living together apart all the way to marriage-he didn't specific which he was looking for, but others I dated before him said EXACTLY what they wanted like marriage, specified a timeline, ect). Turns out he was not really looking for a real super serious relationship but moreso a living together apart VERY long term situation (9 years in fact) with no future plans and basically never spending anymore time together then just the weekends. He was also a very bad texter and caller (I did most of the initiating) and that was from very early on I noticed that.

I think your guy is avoidant and is in it for the sex sorry to say. That was my ex boyfriend too. He was REALLY physically affectionate and planned everything early on (plus paid for everything) then at our one year anniversary he blew up at me for keeping him in a one sided relationship! (meaning I "let him" pay for everything). Of course I should have seen this as a big red flag but I excused it at the time and he came up with a very strict rule that we would alternate (and I mean he got obsessive about it where he refused to pay if it wasn't "his turn") and that got old quickly. That's just one of about a billion stories I have. Please PM me if you would like to chat more I honestly am always willing to help those on here as I have been in these types of relationships and they suck. It's really hard to see the red flags early!

Edited July 13 by Lauriebell82

July 14

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

When is the last time you saw him?

Yes, he could be pulling back. It does sound like a blow off so I would not reach out to him unless he makes an effort to see you again.

I wouldn't chase him or have another "what are we?" conversation. The ball is in his court. Give him some space and see what he does next.

last time was wednesday evening. usually wednesdays and saturdays are our days to meet up and i'm assuming if he doesn't reach out by tomorrow evening about a wednesday plan i can safely assume it's over.

i also don't feel like talking to him or having another conversation, i've given him the opportunity twice now and silence is an answer too.

July 14

2 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

I would agree with this. It's also been my experience that early on a guy will tell you what he wants without you having to play a bunch of guessing games. Perhaps you can benefit from my experience because your guy sounds like every ex I have ever had. I'm also anxiously attached and attract avoidants like wildfire and yes I think you'd got an avoidant here. Unfortunately we can't and don't spot them in the beginning because they are excellent at snowballing us and putting on a good front. But of course that changes.

For example, I just came out of a 9 year relationship and a few things stand out to me from the very beginning. My ex boyfriend at the beginning did tell me he wanted a long term relationship, yet he did not say what kind (there are several kinds of long term relationships ranging from casual weekend encouters and living together apart all the way to marriage-he didn't specific which he was looking for, but others I dated before him said EXACTLY what they wanted like marriage, specified a timeline, ect). Turns out he was not really looking for a real super serious relationship but moreso a living together apart VERY long term situation (9 years in fact) with no future plans and basically never spending anymore time together then just the weekends. He was also a very bad texter and caller (I did most of the initiating) and that was from very early on I noticed that.

I think your guy is avoidant and is in it for the sex sorry to say. That was my ex boyfriend too. He was REALLY physically affectionate and planned everything early on (plus paid for everything) then at our one year anniversary he blew up at me for keeping him in a one sided relationship! (meaning I "let him" pay for everything). Of course I should have seen this as a big red flag but I excused it at the time and he came up with a very strict rule that we would alternate (and I mean he got obsessive about it where he refused to pay if it wasn't "his turn") and that got old quickly. That's just one of about a billion stories I have. Please PM me if you would like to chat more I honestly am always willing to help those on here as I have been in these types of relationships and they suck. It's really hard to see the red flags early!

so strange how men do this honestly. he's affectionate out in public outside sex too, but i guess men will be men lol

i don't think he's an awful person or anything, but the past few days have definitely changed my opinion of him too. if he wanted to reach out and at least communicate the next time to see each other after he figures out all his job stuff, he would've. i was quite upset the last few days but today i see it more clearly. disappointing, but it is what it is.

July 14

13 minutes ago, palebluerug said:

last time was wednesday evening. usually wednesdays and saturdays are our days to meet up and i'm assuming if he doesn't reach out by tomorrow evening about a wednesday plan i can safely assume it's over.

i also don't feel like talking to him or having another conversation, i've given him the opportunity twice now and silence is an answer too.

Yeah. He's def not ready to put a label on it. Don't chase him, don't have another "what are we?" conversation, just let his actions answer the question. If he reaches out, makes concrete plans, and returns to his previous level of effort, then this was likely just a busy period. If the silence continues and the lower effort becomes the new normal, then you have your answer without having to decode mixed signals.

The thing is though, you want to be exclusive and he's been dodging the question so you're not on the same page. Don't wait indefinitely for him to get there.

Sign In

being seeing a guy for 2 months and it's going well, but it seems like he doesn't want to commit

Recommended Posts

palebluerug

stillafool

palebluerug

stillafool

palebluerug

Sony12

Sanch62

introverted1

palebluerug

palebluerug

palebluerug

Sony12

smackie9

Sanch62

basil67

Alpacalia

palebluerug

Sony12

palebluerug

Alpacalia

La.Primavera

Lauriebell82

palebluerug

palebluerug

Alpacalia

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...