Should I meet my boyfriend's family now, or wait until he's moved out?

[heavenonearth]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

realize this has been said a few times, but in what way do you think she would use his relationship against him? Has he been specific about what he fears she may say or do? I find the assertion rather vague so I am wondering if he painted a clearer picture of what using the relationship as ammunition may look like. 

 

Yes, I overlooked this. Basically, she tends to use things that are important to other people as leverage in conflicts. She has a habit of expecting a great deal from him while giving very little consideration to his own needs in return. For example, she frequently asks him to do things for her, for his younger brothers, or the grandmother on very short notice, and he is generally expected to drop everything and help. But when he asks for help himself, the answer is often no. Imagine him helping 9/10 times, and the one time he says "No, I already have plans", she tells him how disappointed she is in him and how irresponsible and useless he is. There is also a tendency to invoke her cancer history whenever conflicts arise. To be clear, I am not minimizing what she went through. From what my boyfriend has described, it sometimes feels as though her illness has become a shield against criticism, making it difficult for anyone to challenge her behavior without immediately feeling guilty. So the fear was less "she will stop us from being together" and more that she would use the relationship as another source of guilt, pressure, or criticism. Things like "you have time for your girlfriend but not for your family" or "you spend money on your girlfriend but not on me." Whether she would actually say those exact things, neither of us knows, but that was the concern. 

[heavenonearth]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

He doesn't see it as an issue now but with large age gaps the younger partner starts to feel it as they age.  Meaning at some point he's going to miss what he never had when he was young.

None of us can know what either of us will want years down the line. People in same-age relationships also may grow apart, develop regrets, or discover they want different things out of life. That's not something unique to age-gap relationships. As for "missing what he never had when he was young," I'm not entirely sure what that refers to?? He is 23 now and living the life he chooses to live. Being in a relationship with me does not prevent him from having friendships, hobbies, experiences, or making his own decisions. A relationship is not a life sentence! If at some point in the future either of us feels that we want different things out of life, we would address that then, just like any other couple would. The future may bring challenges, but that's true of every relationship. It does not really make sense to assume a particular outcome is inevitable simply because there's an age difference.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

None of us can know what either of us will want years down the line. People in same-age relationships also may grow apart, develop regrets, or discover they want different things out of life. That's not something unique to age-gap relationships. As for "missing what he never had when he was young," I'm not entirely sure what that refers to?? He is 23 now and living the life he chooses to live. Being in a relationship with me does not prevent him from having friendships, hobbies, experiences, or making his own decisions. A relationship is not a life sentence! If at some point in the future either of us feels that we want different things out of life, we would address that then, just like any other couple would. The future may bring challenges, but that's true of every relationship. It does not really make sense to assume a particular outcome is inevitable simply because there's an age difference.

I'm going to go against the grain here and agree with what you wrote. But it does seem concerning that in 7 months you've met NONE of his family, despite what his mother may or may not do. His mother has moved out. His dad is there, his brothers are there.

What about his friends, have you met any of them?

 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

As for "missing what he never had when he was young," I'm not entirely sure what that refers to?? He is 23 now and living the life he chooses to live.

Obviously I can’t speak for him, but, as a 50 year old man looking back at myself and all my friends when we were 23, I’d say that we were way too inexperienced romantically, relationship-wise, and also sexually. For most people, there is a certain “playing the field” period that goes beyond the age of 23, sometimes much beyond.

Also, as someone who has been in more than one relationship with a very similar age gap (I was the older one), I just have to tell you bluntly that the odds are not in your favor. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you or isn’t genuinely committed, and I’m not saying that it’s impossible for you to stay together forever, but it’s going to be difficult.

[heavenonearth]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Obviously I can’t speak for him, but, as a 50 year old man looking back at myself and all my friends when we were 23, I’d say that we were way too inexperienced romantically, relationship-wise, and also sexually. For most people, there is a certain “playing the field” period that goes beyond the age of 23, sometimes much beyond.

Also, as someone who has been in more than one relationship with a very similar age gap (I was the older one), I just have to tell you bluntly that the odds are not in your favor. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you or isn’t genuinely committed, and I’m not saying that it’s impossible for you to stay together forever, but it’s going to be difficult.

I think we're both working with anecdotes here. For every age-gap relationship that ultimately didn't work out, there is another one that did. My own parents, for example, have a 14-year age gap and have been happily together for over 40 years. As for the idea that he may eventually feel he missed out on "playing the field," it is not something he currently expresses. In fact, he has had considerably more dating and sexual experience at 23 than I had at his age and has told me quite openly that he is not interested in further exploration for its own sake. Ultimately, none of us can predict the future. Perhaps we will be together for decades, perhaps we won't. The same is true of any relationship. For now, all I can really do is evaluate the relationship that actually exists rather than hypothetical future scenarios.

And again, people keep evaluating whether my relationship should exist at all. The age difference is not a topic either of us has approached naively or without thought. Yet many of the responses seem to assume that we haven't considered these questions ourselves. While I understand that people may have different experiences with age-gap relationships, that wasn't the advice I was seeking. 

[heavenonearth]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm going to go against the grain here and agree with what you wrote. But it does seem concerning that in 7 months you've met NONE of his family, despite what his mother may or may not do. His mother has moved out. His dad is there, his brothers are there.

What about his friends, have you met any of them?

 

Yes I have met a bunch of his friends. 
 

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you think he is concerned that his mother will have a problem with the age gap?

[Sony12]

4 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

I think we're both working with anecdotes here. For every age-gap relationship that ultimately didn't work out, there is another one that did. My own parents, for example, have a 14-year age gap and have been happily together for over 40 years. As for the idea that he may eventually feel he missed out on "playing the field," it is not something he currently expresses. In fact, he has had considerably more dating and sexual experience at 23 than I had at his age and has told me quite openly that he is not interested in further exploration for its own sake. Ultimately, none of us can predict the future. Perhaps we will be together for decades, perhaps we won't. The same is true of any relationship. For now, all I can really do is evaluate the relationship that actually exists rather than hypothetical future scenarios.

And again, people keep evaluating whether my relationship should exist at all. The age difference is not a topic either of us has approached naively or without thought. Yet many of the responses seem to assume that we haven't considered these questions ourselves. While I understand that people may have different experiences with age-gap relationships, that wasn't the advice I was seeking. 

Any guy who is good at seducing women is going to tell her that he isn't interested in anyone else. 

Rather you want to admit it or not there is a reason very few people who have a certain age gap (especially in regards to older women and younger men) choose to become serious with one another. They are usually just in different stages of life. People in their 40's are usually more settled down then people in their early 20's.

You have come on here and created long threads about a lot of different men. You just came on here and updated a thread that you made about a guy about a year ago and there are threads you made about men before that. It seems you often say the same thing every single time as well. How great he is but there are a couple questions you have about it.  I feel like you are creating threads moreso for the drama of it all then to get any actual advice from people here. Because usually unless people give you the exact response you want to hear you become argumentative.

[heavenonearth]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Any guy who is good at seducing women is going to tell her that he isn't interested in anyone else. 

Rather you want to admit it or not there is a reason very few people who have a certain age gap (especially in regards to older women and younger men) choose to become serious with one another. They are usually just in different stages of life. People in their 40's are usually more settled down then people in their early 20's.

You have come on here and created long threads about a lot of different men. You just came on here and updated a thread that you made about a guy about a year ago and there are threads you made about men before that. It seems you often say the same thing every single time as well. How great he is but there are a couple questions you have about it.  I feel like you are creating threads moreso for the drama of it all then to get any actual advice from people here. Because usually unless people give you the exact response you want to hear you become argumentative.

I find it odd that we're now discussing my posting history rather than the topic I asked about. I've been an engaging member of this forum for nearly nine years. Yes, during that time I have dated different people, had different relationships, and asked for advice on different situations. I'm not sure what conclusion I'm supposed to draw from that other than that nine years is a long time. I also don't think disagreeing with certain comments means I'm unwilling to hear advice. There are several responses in this thread that I found thoughtful and useful. What I tend to push back against are assumptions about my boyfriend's motives, assumptions about my relationship, or arguments that don't really address the question I asked. Throughout this thread I have done my best to remain courteous, even when people have made assumptions about me, my boyfriend, or our relationship. For that reason, I don't think suggestions that I am "creating drama" or only looking for a particular answer are fair or warranted. If discussing a relationship on a relationship forum is considered "creating drama," then I'm not entirely sure what purpose the forum serves. At this point the discussion has crossed into personal assumptions about my character rather than the topic itself, which I don't think is appropriate, so I won't be engaging further on that aspect of the conversation.

[heavenonearth]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you think he is concerned that his mother will have a problem with the age gap?

Yes, I do think the age gap is part of what worried him, although not because he personally sees it as a problem. We talked about it again last night and he said that yes, he has thought about how his mother may react to it, but he was hoping it would not become the focus of a first meeting.

Most responses now have reinforced my original instinct that it is probably wiser to wait until he has moved out and has established a bit more independence before I meet his family. That seems like the least complicated approach for everyone involved and we will stick with that!

I also want to say one final thing before I bow out of the discussion. While I appreciate the people who genuinely responded, I was surprised by the number of responses that shifted from discussing the family situation to making assumptions about my relationship, my boyfriend's motives, or even my character. Not being a fan of age-gap relationships is one thing. Suggesting that my boyfriend is simply telling me what I want to hear in order to have sex with me, or that I am somehow creating drama because I have discussed different relationships over the course of nearly a decade on this forum, is another. My boyfriend and I have spent nearly eight months discussing our relationship, our age difference, future plans, and the realities that come with them. I think some people underestimate how much thought has already gone into these questions.

In any case, thank you to those who offered constructive advice.

[Sony12]

8 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

I find it odd that we're now discussing my posting history rather than the topic I asked about. I've been an engaging member of this forum for nearly nine years. Yes, during that time I have dated different people, had different relationships, and asked for advice on different situations. I'm not sure what conclusion I'm supposed to draw from that other than that nine years is a long time. I also don't think disagreeing with certain comments means I'm unwilling to hear advice. There are several responses in this thread that I found thoughtful and useful. What I tend to push back against are assumptions about my boyfriend's motives, assumptions about my relationship, or arguments that don't really address the question I asked. Throughout this thread I have done my best to remain courteous, even when people have made assumptions about me, my boyfriend, or our relationship. For that reason, I don't think suggestions that I am "creating drama" or only looking for a particular answer are fair or warranted. If discussing a relationship on a relationship forum is considered "creating drama," then I'm not entirely sure what purpose the forum serves. At this point the discussion has crossed into personal assumptions about my character rather than the topic itself, which I don't think is appropriate, so I won't be engaging further on that aspect of the conversation.

If you want to create threads about a guy who is in the same age group as people still going to school that is your choice. But you shouldn't really start a thread about a relationship with someone that young and expect there to not be any push back about the age difference. Especially when you are clearly talking seriously about him.

[heavenonearth]

13 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If you want to create threads about a guy who is in the same age group as people still going to school that is your choice. But you shouldn't really start a thread about a relationship with someone that young and expect there to not be any push back about the age difference. Especially when you are clearly talking seriously about him.

At this point, I don't think a constructive discussion between us is possible, as the focus of the conversation keeps shifting. We started with the family situation, then moved to the age gap, then to my boyfriend's motives, then to my posting history, my character, and now to whether I should have expected criticism in the first place. Additionally, I don't feel that most of the points I have raised are being directly addressed.

Lastly, I firmly object to assumptions about my boyfriend's intentions or about my own character that go well beyond the information available. 

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

Yes, I do think the age gap is part of what worried him, although not because he personally sees it as a problem. We talked about it again last night and he said that yes, he has thought about how his mother may react to it, but he was hoping it would not become the focus of a first meeting.

Given that she seems likely to have a problem with any relationship, I think it's highly probable she will not view the age gap favourably. It could serve as "ammo" for her, so to speak. So yes, I would avoid meeting her until he is no lonher living there. 

Having said, does he think his dad would be open to meeting you? 

[heavenonearth]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Given that she seems likely to have a problem with any relationship, I think it's highly probable she will not view the age gap favourably. It could serve as "ammo" for her, so to speak. So yes, I would avoid meeting her until he is no lonher living there. 

Having said, does he think his dad would be open to meeting you? 

Yeah, his dad would probably be much more open. From everything I've heard, his dad seems to be kind and non-confrontational. I think meeting him and my boyfriend's brothers would be much more calm and positive of an experience  But it is unlikely that news about "the new girlfriend" would not get through to the mom, and then she would likely use her being excluded from the meeting as new fodder for conflict... 

 

[Sanch62]

I’ll stick to the topic as I have done above. What, exactly, would you hope to accomplish with a delay? Yes, the family has built a glass house around Mom, but how is does a delay protect anyone from the fallout? It will keep you operating like you’re a secret affair, and for what purpose?

Having lived that way outside of a BF’s family before, I can only look back and tell you that it’s no way to live. It’s not going to change the outcome, and it deprives you of valuable information about how you and BF will handle the matter going forward.

Do the two of you plan on having children together? If so, aren’t you interested in how BF will navigate your relationship with his child’s grandmother?

Keeping yourself in the dark even longer will only delay learning how this will turn out. Why not just lean in and gain the information you’ll need to navigate forward?

[introverted1]

When you post on a public forum it's reasonable to assume that people will look at your situation in its totality, not just the isolated piece of information you want to focus on.  In addition, it's logical for people to reference your past threads, since they provide context and information to the overall picture of you as a poster.  If these things upset you, and it appears they do, then perhaps seeking advice on a public forum isn't for you.