Should I meet my boyfriend's family now, or wait until he's moved out?

[heavenonearth]

Hi again folks,

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I'm 39 and he's 23. Despite the age gap, this is by far the healthiest and easiest relationship I've ever had. We communicate well, rarely have conflict, and are very happy together. After 4 months of dating he made it clear that he wanted a serious long-term relationship, and things have been going great so far.

The only issue that keeps coming up is his family situation. He still lives in the family home because he only recently finished his apprenticeship and has struggled to find work in his field. He starts his first career job in October and plans to move out once he is settled. His mother, who had cancer a few years ago, has changed significantly since then. From what my boyfriend has described, she has become very self-centered, manipulative, and difficult to deal with. He was heavily parentified growing up and still takes on a lot of responsibility for his two younger brothers. Even now, he often feels responsible for keeping things together at home and is frequently at his mother's beck and call. He is aware that these family dynamics have affected him and hopes to learn how to set healthier boundaries once he lives on his own.

Because of these family dynamics, he never told his parents about me. His reasoning was that he didn't want me dragged into the drama and worried his mother might use our relationship against him. I understood that and never pushed the issue. Last month, his mother moved out of the family home into her own apartment (which my boyfriend had originally hoped to move into himself), as the parents split. Despite that, she still shows up regularly and remains heavily involved in the family's day-to-day life.

Recently, however, he changed his mind and invited me over when nobody else was home for the weekend. He feels that now that his mother has moved out into her own apartment, it is "safe." The problem is that she still regularly shows up at the house unannounced. When I asked what would happen if she arrived while I was there, he said we'd deal with it then and that it might be a good opportunity to finally introduce me.

I told him I thought this was unwise. Based on everything I've heard, I share his original concerns about his mother potentially using our relationship as ammunition in future conflicts. I'm also aware that our age gap may become a source of criticism. To me, meeting her unexpectedly under those circumstances seems more likely to create problems than solve them.

I suggested waiting until he has moved out and can create some distance before introducing me to his family. He is disappointed because family is very important to him.

So my question is: would it be wiser to wait until he's living on his own before meeting his family, or am I being overly cautious? Has anyone dealt with a difficult future mother-in-law or a similar family situation?

[Alpacalia]

The specific scenario he's proposing, you're there for the weekend, she shows up unannounced, you meet her in his childhood kitchen on a random Saturday with zero preparation  is about the worst possible conditions for a first impression. No control, no context, no ability to set the tone. Just a 39-year-old woman standing in his kitchen when his complicated mother walks through a door she apparently still feels entitled to walk through whenever she likes. 

One question though...have you met any of his family at all, or is it specifically his mother/parents you haven't been introduced to? That changes the picture a little.

 

Edited 18 hours ago by Alpacalia

[heavenonearth]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The specific scenario he's proposing, you're there for the weekend, she shows up unannounced, you meet her in his childhood kitchen on a random Saturday with zero preparation  is about the worst possible conditions for a first impression. No control, no context, no ability to set the tone. Just a 39-year-old woman standing in his kitchen when his complicated mother walks through a door she apparently still feels entitled to walk through whenever she likes. 

One question though...have you met any of his family at all, or is it specifically his mother/parents you haven't been introduced to? That changes the picture a little.

 

I have not met his parents nor his brothers (who are 9 and 17). His 17 year old brother sort of figured out he has a girlfriend just by the fact he's gone each weekend, but that's about as far as it goes.

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

I have not met his parents nor his brothers (who are 9 and 17). His 17 year old brother sort of figured out he has a girlfriend just by the fact he's gone each weekend, but that's about as far as it goes.

I would feel a bit uncomfortable about not meeting any of his family at seven months with a man who's already said he wants something serious. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship, not as an accusation, just as information worth having.

He has to be the one to set the terms of how and when you're introduced. Letting circumstance make that decision for you both is exactly how you end up in a situation where she controls the narrative from the very first moment she knows you exist.

He's spent his whole life reacting to his mother rather than acting on his own terms. The introduction, whenever it happens, needs to be something he orchestrates, not something that just happens to him.

Have you pushed at all for meeting any of the family, not in a 'so when exactly am I going to exist to these people' kind of way, but just has it come up between you two as something you actually want, or have you been pretty content letting him lead the pace on it?

Edited 18 hours ago by Alpacalia

[Gebidozo]

Of course wait until he has moved out. Why create unnecessary complications and potential conflicts?

Better still, delay meeting his mother until it’s absolutely certain that she is fine with your relationship and won’t create any trouble.

Many, many relationships are still being ruined because people like bringing family members into their romantic relationships. My experience with this kind of thing has been overwhelmingly negative.

It is especially risky with couples who have different religions, ethnic backgrounds, social status, education level, or - as in your case - age gaps.

[heavenonearth]

43 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He has to be the one to set the terms of how and when you're introduced. Letting circumstance make that decision for you both is exactly how you end up in a situation where she controls the narrative from the very first moment she knows you exist.

He's spent his whole life reacting to his mother rather than acting on his own terms. The introduction, whenever it happens, needs to be something he orchestrates, not something that just happens to him.

Have you pushed at all for meeting any of the family, not in a 'so when exactly am I going to exist to these people' kind of way, but just has it come up between you two as something you actually want, or have you been pretty content letting him lead the pace on it?

That is a good point, about him setting the terms. Because the age gap, I have been mostly taking the back seat about decisions in our relationship and letting him lead, not as to unwillingly coerce him into anything. But I noticed he's got a good head on his shoulders and he's certainly not a pushover, despite being a people-pleaser. He knows what he wants and has clear goals and knows how to voice them.

I have told him that it feels a bit odd to be "a secret" but that I do understand why... and as of late, I have been the one to even push for waiting with an introduction. I could imagine just meeting the dad and middle brother first, when the mom is not around, but tbh, I feel even that could become something she may twist into an issue ("why was i left out", "why do you keep secrets from me", "so everyone was invited but me" - this is sort of her usual modus operandi) and lead to her hating me.

At this point, I am not even sure she can be happy for him. This is just my assumption based on what he told me and life experience with other people, but I can't possibly know for sure. 

[heavenonearth]

31 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course wait until he has moved out. Why create unnecessary complications and potential conflicts?

Better still, delay meeting his mother until it’s absolutely certain that she is fine with your relationship and won’t create any trouble.

Many, many relationships are still being ruined because people like bringing family members into their romantic relationships. My experience with this kind of thing has been overwhelmingly negative.

It is especially risky with couples who have different religions, ethnic backgrounds, social status, education level, or - as in your case - age gaps.

I doubt it would ruin our relationship but I can imagine it may strain the already distorted family dynamics much more.

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

I have told him that it feels a bit odd to be "a secret" but that I do understand why... and as of late, I have been the one to even push for waiting with an introduction. I could imagine just meeting the dad and middle brother first, when the mom is not around, but tbh, I feel even that could become something she may twist into an issue ("why was i left out", "why do you keep secrets from me", "so everyone was invited but me" - this is sort of her usual modus operandi) and lead to her hating me.

At this point, I am not even sure she can be happy for him. This is just my assumption based on what he told me and life experience with other people, but I can't possibly know for sure. 

That is a good point as well.

You're in a tough spot -- if she can't even be happy for her own son that doesn't bode well.

It does feel strange to be kept a secret, and it’s good that you’ve been honest with him about that. But given the way his mom operates, it also makes total sense that you’ve become the one saying, “Let’s hold off for now.” 

Meeting his dad and brother first sounds harmless on paper, but with someone like his mother, even that can turn into a whole narrative about being excluded or betrayed. 

Based on what he’s told you, it’s fair to assume she might not be in a place where she can see his happiness without filtering it through her own issues. 

The safest move is exactly what you’re already leaning toward: wait until he’s living on his own, with some emotional and physical distance, so the introduction happens on your terms, not in the middle of her chaos.

[basil67]

This is a tricky situation indeed. 

I can't help but wonder if he's worried about her reaction to the age difference.   And to be fair to her, plenty of parents would get worried/concerned about their 23yo dating someone who's so much older.  I certainly wouldn't have been impressed if my daughter came home with a 39yo guy when she was 23.  It's the whole creep factor thing:  An acceptable age difference is considered to be 'half your age, plus 7.  So to not be seen as a creep, the youngest man you should date would be about 26

I'm glad you're being careful to not push him, but that doesn't mean his greater family will be OK with it.

 

[introverted1]

I think your bf needs to talk to his mother about you before he tries to have the two of you meet.  The age gap you have is huge -- you could have a child the same age as your bf if you'd been precocious as a teen. How old is his mother?

So yes, wait until he has moved out and wait also until he has at least told his family about you. 

[Sony12]

To be honest I am not sure he is all that serious about the situation if he has been dating someone for seven months and hasn't bothered to tell his parents about her yet. Early 20 something year old men usually aren't involved with 40 year old women because they want to get real serious with them. 

[Sanch62]

I'd get realistic about this early. The mom is already a $#!T show. She'll be a monster no matter who her son dates, and he knows this, so he's skulking around like an adolescent rather than simply telling her he's dating someone and asking when she'd like to meet you.

Look, no matter how you slice this, those chips are going to fall. She's not going to magically transform into a loving, respectful mother who can tolerate sharing her son with another grown woman. I would just write this off as a big pain management challenge, get it out of the way early, then step back and observe how BF handles it over time. If she has enough power over him to break you up, then you'll thank yourself for not wasting precious time trying to plot a fantasy scenario where Mommy Dearest becomes who she is not and will never be.