Being assaulted was awful. The way my boyfriend reacted afterwards hurt even more

[88snow88]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then you are in a bad relationship. 

None of what you describe here is healthy. It's just you scrambling to prove yourself to...yourself. You have chosen the wrong man here and it won't get better. 

I would urge you to reconsider your stance because, girl, you need it. 

I know how this probably sounds from the outside. The frustrating thing is that I can see a lot of the unhealthy parts now, but I still miss him terribly.

 

Part of me wishes he’d unblock me, even though I know we’d have a lot of issues to work through. When it ended, all of my hurt and frustration came out at once. I called him horrible names and said a lot of things I’d been bottling up for months. Some of it was anger, some of it was genuine resentment, and some of it was just heartbreak.

 

The truth is that I loved him very much. I wasn’t perfect either. I could be jealous, needy and overly sensitive at times. I just wanted to feel important to him. I wanted to feel like he was interested in my life and happy to have me around. Instead, I often felt like I was one mistake away from losing him, and over time that really affected me.

 

Maybe you’re right that the relationship wasn’t healthy. I just haven’t caught up emotionally to what my head is starting to understand.

[88snow88]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Do you realize that saying those things costs absolutely nothing and absolutely anyone can say it to anyone?

 

Do you realize this is emotional abuse?

You can’t see reality clearly anymore. Please cut off all contact with him and seek therapy.

I think that’s the hardest part for me. I keep wishing I could have been the kind of girl he wanted - confident, easy-going, happy all the time, someone who didn’t overthink everything or need so much reassurance.

 

Part of me keeps thinking that if I’d just been less jealous, less anxious, less emotional, maybe we’d still be together and everything would have been okay.

 

But another part of me knows I was trying to be loved for who I actually am, not for some version of myself that never gets scared, insecure or upset. I wasn’t perfect, but I loved him very deeply. I just wish he’d thought I was worth fighting for too.

I didn’t realise at the time that some people would view parts of this relationship as emotional abuse. I thought I was just being too sensitive and that everything was my fault. Looking back, constantly feeling one mistake away from being left, and being so afraid of upsetting him, had a much bigger impact on me than I realised.