Being assaulted was awful. The way my boyfriend reacted afterwards hurt even more

[88snow88]

I’m trying to get an outside perspective because I’m struggling to work out how much of this was me and how much was him.

A few days ago I was mugged/assaulted on a night out. I was followed by a man who repeatedly struck me in the back of the head. This wasn’t a misunderstanding or an argument that got out of hand. I was targeted, followed and attacked. The man is apparently already known locally for criminal behaviour in my small city, which made the whole thing even more unsettling.

One thing that keeps coming up is alcohol, so I want to clarify that although I had been drinking, I was not blackout drunk or incapable of functioning. I was coherent during the attack itself, I was able to speak clearly to the police afterwards, and I remember the events that happened. The attack wasn’t a result of me being passed out or unable to look after myself.

What upset me most is that I ended up walking alone at night because my boyfriend had stormed off in anger. The reason was that my male friend and I had danced together. I explained that this friend is gay, but my boyfriend was still jealous and angry about it. Because of that, I ended up walking by myself.

After the attack, my boyfriend initially picked me up, comforted me and helped me, which I do appreciate. However, even while he was helping me, I had a feeling that once the immediate crisis was over, he would become angry with me. Unfortunately that is exactly what happened.

Later, the focus seemed to shift from what had happened to me onto everything I had done wrong that night. I ended up being told that he hadn’t slept because of me, that I wasn’t worth the stress, and eventually that he didn’t love me anymore.

This wasn’t the only issue in the relationship. Earlier on, I told him that our first sexual experience frightened me. Instead of listening, he mostly insisted that my reaction was the problem. He was also rough when I had asked him not to be, and ejaculated inside me without first discussing contraception.

There were also trust issues. He repeatedly told me he didn’t use cocaine, but later admitted that he did and showed me cocaine himself. He also told me he no longer sold it, but later openly admitted that he had been selling it after all. What bothered me wasn’t just the drugs themselves, but the fact that I felt I was being lied to repeatedly about things that were important to me. It made it difficult to trust what he was telling me about other things in the relationship as well.

At the same time, I know I’m not perfect. I can be emotional, I seek reassurance when I feel insecure, and I know I can be intense when I’m upset. Part of me wonders whether I pushed him away by needing too much reassurance.

I genuinely wanted this relationship to work, so I’m trying to be honest about my own flaws as well.

My question is: does this sound like I was expecting too much from a partner after a traumatic event, or does his reaction sound unreasonable to you as well?

[Sanch62]

Nothing about the man sounds reasonable to me.

I wouldn't gaslight myself by staying with someone like this.

I'm sorry about the attack you suffered, and my heart goes out to you.

[teakitty]

I'm so sorry you were attacked.  You are not to blame.

Just reading about how bad your boyfriend has been to you is upsetting.  I was in an abusive relationship and all the signs are there.

You need to stay away from this man.  Run from him now!

Read up about the "Cycle of Abuse" and also "Codependency".

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to hear what happened to you. That is terrible and I hope you feel a bit better soon. 

As for your boyfriend? You should have gotten rid of him a while ago. He uses and deals drugs, ignores your sexual boundaries and acted like a jerk all around the night you were assaulted. Please take this time to yourself and ask yourself why any of this is good enough for you. He is not a decent man and I am concerned that you somehow think you are the problem. 

The only problem with you that I see here is that you don't value yourself very much. If you did, you would have run a mile from this guy ages go. You need to figure out why you didn't, and why you wanted to hang on to someone who's essentially a walking red flag. 

[Gebidozo]

Sorry that you were attacked.

Please get rid of your boyfriend now. He’s been acting like a petty, mean, possessive jerk throughout your relationship.

Work on restoring your self-esteem. It’s not normal that you nearly blame yourself for your boyfriend’s bad behavior.

[teakitty]

The BF is more than a jerk, therein lies evil.

OP, run from this man and seek professional help to overcome what compels you to stay.

[88snow88]

Thank you. I think that’s what I’ve been struggling with the most. I keep looking at my own mistakes and wondering if I pushed him away, but then I remember things like the cocaine lies, ignoring my sexual boundaries, and the way he treated me after I was attacked. I know I’m not perfect, but I don’t think I deserved that either.

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sorry to hear what happened to you. That is terrible and I hope you feel a bit better soon. 

As for your boyfriend? You should have gotten rid of him a while ago. He uses and deals drugs, ignores your sexual boundaries and acted like a jerk all around the night you were assaulted. Please take this time to yourself and ask yourself why any of this is good enough for you. He is not a decent man and I am concerned that you somehow think you are the problem. 

The only problem with you that I see here is that you don't value yourself very much. If you did, you would have run a mile from this guy ages go. You need to figure out why you didn't, and why you wanted to hang on to someone who's essentially a walking red flag. 

 

[88snow88]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Sorry that you were attacked.

Please get rid of your boyfriend now. He’s been acting like a petty, mean, possessive jerk throughout your relationship.

Work on restoring your self-esteem. It’s not normal that you nearly blame yourself for your boyfriend’s bad behavior.

Thank you. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to work out. I know I can be emotional and seek reassurance when I’m upset, so I’ve been questioning myself a lot. But after reading everyone’s replies, I think I’ve been focusing so much on my own flaws that I’ve stopped looking objectively at how I was treated.

[Finest_Marksman]

He stormed off and left you exposed, then blamed you for the assault. That’s not love - that’s punishment. Add the lies about drugs + ignoring consent, and the pattern is clear…he can’t hold you when things get hard.

You’re not “too emotional” or “intense.” You’re human. You survived an attack. You deserve belief, comfort, and gentleness, not guilt.

This wasn’t your fault. You deserve better

[88snow88]

5 minutes ago, Finest_Marksman said:

He stormed off and left you exposed, then blamed you for the assault. That’s not love - that’s punishment. Add the lies about drugs + ignoring consent, and the pattern is clear…he can’t hold you when things get hard.

You’re not “too emotional” or “intense.” You’re human. You survived an attack. You deserve belief, comfort, and gentleness, not guilt.

This wasn’t your fault. You deserve better

thanks. what hurts the most is, all his friends think sunshine shines out of his arse and say what a good person he is. Makes me question myself

[Finest_Marksman]

4 minutes ago, 88snow88 said:

thanks. what hurts the most is, all his friends think sunshine shines out of his arse and say what a good person he is. Makes me question myself

I get why the cut is so deep… when everyone else sees “Mr. Nice Guy” and you’re left holding the real version.

His friends get the performance…. You got the truth… Abusers save their worst for the person behind closed doors. 

You’re not crazy for doubting yourself. That’s the gaslighting talking…. But you lived it…he left you exposed, blamed you for the assault, lied, ignored consent. That’s not a “good person” move, no matter what they say.

Trust what you experienced, not their applause. 

You’re not the problem here

Edited Tuesday at 08:41 PM by Finest_Marksman

[88snow88]

1 hour ago, Finest_Marksman said:

I get why the cut is so deep… when everyone else sees “Mr. Nice Guy” and you’re left holding the real version.

His friends get the performance…. You got the truth… Abusers save their worst for the person behind closed doors. 

You’re not crazy for doubting yourself. That’s the gaslighting talking…. But you lived it…he left you exposed, blamed you for the assault, lied, ignored consent. That’s not a “good person” move, no matter what they say.

Trust what you experienced, not their applause. 

You’re not the problem here

Thank you The difficult thing is that I still love him and miss him. I know there were things that hurt me, but there were also many times when he was kind and made me feel loved. I’m finding it hard to reconcile those two versions of him.

He worked incredibly hard, often doing 12-hour shifts 6–7 days a week, and looking back I think there were times when I needed more reassurance and emotional support than he had the capacity to give. We both had our flaws and neither of us handled everything perfectly.

 

I keep replaying everything in my head and wondering if I could have been calmer, less anxious, less demanding, or handled certain situations differently. Part of me feels angry and hurt, but another part of me just misses him terribly and wishes things had worked out.

 

I know there were things he did that upset me, but there were also many times when he was kind, loving and supportive. That’s why I’m struggling so much. If he had been awful all the time, it would be much easier to let go.

 

Right now I just feel heartbroken and wish I could have him back.

[teakitty]

@88snow88

Have you ever thought of talking it through with a therapist?

[88snow88]

4 minutes ago, teakitty said:

@88snow88

Have you ever thought of talking it through with a therapist?

I don’t believe in therapy 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, 88snow88 said:

I know there were things that hurt me, but there were also many times when he was kind and made me feel loved. I’m finding it hard to reconcile those two versions of him.

Most abusers can act very kind and make their partners feel loved when they want to. That’s why women get attracted to them in the first place.

People aren’t neatly divided into saints and villains. Everyone has good and bad sides. The problem with your boyfriend is that he let his bad side win. And the worst part of it is that he let you believe that it was your fault.

This is called victim blaming. And if you start believing that as well, then I think you should find a good therapist to help you fix that. Or, at the very least, cut off all contact with your now-ex boyfriend and take a long time to heal properly and get in touch with reality. Your mind is too blurred now, and you’re emotionally shattered, which makes you weak and prone to be abused again.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, 88snow88 said:

I don’t believe in therapy 

Why not?

Your self-esteem is in tatters and your standards are far too low. Is a drug-dealing man with an anger problem really the best you can do? I sincerely doubt that. So why are you settling for this? 

[88snow88]

Honestly, the drugs aren’t what I’m struggling with.

 

What I’m struggling with is that I loved him and I genuinely believe there were good parts of him too. He worked incredibly hard, made time for me despite working long hours, and at one point told me he’d never loved a girl this much. I loved him a lot too.

 

I know there were things in the relationship that weren’t healthy, and I know there were times he hurt me. I also know I wasn’t perfect and brought my own issues into the relationship.

 

Right now I’m not trying to justify everything he did. I’m trying to make sense of how someone I loved so much, and who I believe loved me at one point, became someone I lost.

[88snow88]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Most abusers can act very kind and make their partners feel loved when they want to. That’s why women get attracted to them in the first place.

People aren’t neatly divided into saints and villains. Everyone has good and bad sides. The problem with your boyfriend is that he let his bad side win. And the worst part of it is that he let you believe that it was your fault.

This is called victim blaming. And if you start believing that as well, then I think you should find a good therapist to help you fix that. Or, at the very least, cut off all contact with your now-ex boyfriend and take a long time to heal properly and get in touch with reality. Your mind is too blurred now, and you’re emotionally shattered, which makes you weak and prone to be abused again.

Maybe you’re right that I’m blaming myself too much.

 

The problem is that I miss him terribly. It’s hard to reconcile some of the things that happened with the person who told me he’d never loved a girl this much, made time for me despite working ridiculous hours, and seemed genuinely proud of me.

 

I’m not ready to see everything in black and white yet. At the moment I’m just heartbroken and trying to make sense of it all.

[flitzanu]

6 hours ago, 88snow88 said:

The problem is that I miss him terribly. It’s hard to reconcile some of the things that happened with the person who told me he’d never loved a girl this much, made time for me despite working ridiculous hours, and seemed genuinely proud of me.

 

he told you it's your fault you got mugged and attacked.  

that's not someone that cares about you.

[88snow88]

6 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

he told you it's your fault you got mugged and attacked.  

that's not someone that cares about you.

he said he knew it wasn’t my fault I got mugged, but that he lost sleep that night, and he was pissed off the police tried to question him too. And that the neighbours complained about me crying, I was too in shock to realize how loud I was being

Edited 10 hours ago by 88snow88

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, 88snow88 said:

he said he knew it wasn’t my fault I got mugged, but that he lost sleep that night, and he was pissed off the police tried to question him too. And that the neighbours complained about me crying, I was too in shock to realize how loud I was

being

If the tables were turned, would you have told him the same things? 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, 88snow88 said:

Honestly, the drugs aren’t what I’m struggling with.

This is part of the problem - you're not connecting the dots and seeing the bigger picture about this man. 

Someone with sound judgement, rational decision-making skills and emotional maturity is not likely to get caught up in dealig drugs. The same applies to how he handled this situation. This is all very much part of who he is. It's incredibly troubling that this is what you are gravitating towards. 

What were your past relationships like? Have you got a history of choosing men who mistreat you or otherwise come with a host of red flags? 

[88snow88]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is part of the problem - you're not connecting the dots and seeing the bigger picture about this man. 

Someone with sound judgement, rational decision-making skills and emotional maturity is not likely to get caught up in dealig drugs. The same applies to how he handled this situation. This is all very much part of who he is. It's incredibly troubling that this is what you are gravitating towards. 

What were your past relationships like? Have you got a history of choosing men who mistreat you or otherwise come with a host of red flags? 

I think you’re probably right that I need to look at why I gravitate towards these situations. Honestly, a big part of it is that I felt disposable a lot of the time and I desperately wanted to be good enough. I spent so much energy trying to be less jealous, less emotional, less needy, more understanding, more easy-going, because I thought if I could just get it right then I’d finally feel secure in the relationship.

 

I’m not saying I was a perfect girlfriend either. Looking back, I can see my own flaws and I know I wasn’t always easy to be with. But I think I became so focused on trying to earn love and approval that I stopped asking whether I was actually being treated the way I deserved. I just miss him so much and miss being chosen and told Im beautiful and that he’s happy with me but he was so bipolar, I once said ‘if you ever change your mind about me, let me know’ which is what he told me word for word a few days prior, he lost his s***, and I reminded him that he said exactly the same thing to me and it wasn’t anything bad I felt always one mistake away from losing him he always said he gives me ‘chances’ like Im some sort of child but I do realize I am paranoid and jealous sometimes but Im easy to calm and keep happy

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, 88snow88 said:

I just miss him so much and miss being chosen and told Im beautiful and that he’s happy with me

Do you realize that saying those things costs absolutely nothing and absolutely anyone can say it to anyone?

 

4 hours ago, 88snow88 said:

I once said ‘if you ever change your mind about me, let me know’ which is what he told me word for word a few days prior, he lost his s***, and I reminded him that he said exactly the same thing to me and it wasn’t anything bad I felt always one mistake away from losing him he always said he gives me ‘chances’ like Im some sort of child

Do you realize this is emotional abuse?

You can’t see reality clearly anymore. Please cut off all contact with him and seek therapy.