Why do straight guys pursue women they have no romantic interest in?

June 6

Hello all,

I’d like some advice. I met a guy a few months ago through mutual friends. He’s early 30s, I’m mid 30s. In this time he has expressed ‘friendly’ interest in me- texting me, initiating 1:1 hangouts, finding me at group events where he talks to me more than to others despite being acquainted with most people there.

There is nothing romantic about any of this- for example, he has never offered to pay for a single coffee that I’ve had when we’ve hung out. He has never checked that I’ve got back home ok afterwards despite it being late into the night when we’ve parted. This is all despite him being vocal about choosing a ‘nice cafe/ bar that I may like’ each time- that’s as far as the care from him has seemed to go.

For our last 1:1 meet which he initiated, he asked if I’d like to get dinner. This made me question whether his intentions were indeed platonic since in my experience, it’s not often that a straight guy asks a woman whom he’s only met a handful of times if she’d like to go out for dinner without having some intention of it being a date. I was open to the prospect of this potentially having romantic motives this time, since I do find him attractive.

But I didn’t want to be offended if it turned out that this was not his intention after all. So I did what some might call ‘test the water’- I said to him that while I’d have liked to get food, I’m currently skint (partly true) so perhaps if he could choose somewhere not too pricey that I can afford this time it would be great.

I was seeing whether in his response, he’d hint at ‘oh I can get this, you can treat me next time!’ or something to that effect which may indicate that his intention was to take me out this time. But he simply responded by finding “reasonably priced” places for me as he called them, sending me links to them so that I could check whether they were affordable for me. I was secretly a little upset that his intentions were clearly platonic this time too, so I politely said to him that it might be best for us to just get drinks rather than dinner this time like before, which is what we did. I ended up paying for the both of us- he didn’t offer despite knowing that I’m skint!

During our hangout, he spent a fair bit of time ogling other women. This was especially disconcerting since it was during the times that I was opening up about my life that he was distracted in this way - it was clear that he did not care to get to know me at all. When we parted, I gave him a hug, just as I hug all friends that I meet up with, but he hardly reciprocated this, at best giving me a half-hug back. I came home virtually in tears because it was very clear to me that the hopes I had of this hangout having romantic intentions from him were once again not what it was.

And lo and behold, the next day he texted me again, and has been watching all my stories on social media.

It is not healthy for me to keep this connection since there are unrequited feelings here, so I have decided to detach from it. But I would love some insights from members, particularly straight men, as to what the agenda could have been here. Why a straight guy would actively ‘pursue’ a woman when he has no interest in dating her?’ Thank you!

Edited June 6 by babybrowns

June 6

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

But I would love some insights from members, particularly straight men, as to what the agenda could have been here. Why a straight guy would actively ‘pursue’ a woman when he has no interest in dating her?’

But you said it yourself, he didn’t pursue you romantically.

I agree that he made it very clear that he has no romantic intentions. He probably just wants to hang with you because he likes you as a person. That’s totally normal. I also like spending time with female friends, and I did it quite a bit when I was single, without wanting anything sexual from them.

I understand that you’re disappointment because you’re catching feelings for him, but there is nothing you can do besides cutting off contact with him.

June 6

I'm not a guy, but you are feeding his ego and he enjoys the "narcissistic supply"... not only "free of charge", but he gets free drinks to boot. So that's why he's keeping you around, in case he is bored or needs an ego boost.

I'd cut off all contact with him.

He is a real jerk.

You don't act like he's done even with platonic friends.

Read Natlie Lue's blog, "Baggage Reclaim" about ass-clowns, etc.

It sounds like you are hoping he will change and end up "liking you". He won't.

It really sucks... but you are better off alone than in poor company.

June 6

3 minutes ago, teakitty said:

You don't act like he's done even with platonic friends.

Thanks for your post and yes I agree with this statement in particular. When seeing my female friends or my gay male friends, I never ogle other people when they’re opening up to me about something, it is disrespectful when they’ve given up their time to see me upon my invitation, especially if it’s a budding connection. Also, if I had an indication that they were financially struggling, I would not let them pay for my drink in addition to theirs- I’d offer to buy them their drink too.

I’d happily cut this person off but he runs an important organisation that I’m part of (not work-related, thank goodness!) which I may risk losing if I do that. But it’s been an unpleasant ordeal to hang out with him to say the least. He even rearranged his schedule to see me at a time which suited me which further led me to have hope that he liked me beyond the platonic level. I may just choose to not engage with him for a few weeks while any caught feelings have a chance to subside

June 6

32 minutes ago, teakitty said:

He is a real jerk.

Why?

He made it clear he wasn’t interested romantically. He didn’t mislead or use the OP.

June 6

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why?

He made it clear he wasn’t interested romantically. He didn’t mislead or use the OP.

He oogled people when she was opening up.

He didn't offer to buy her drink, even though she said she was skint.

To me, that is jerk-like behaviour. YMMV

June 6

43 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

He made it clear he wasn’t interested romantically. He didn’t mislead or use the OP.

I think it would benefit any straight man who sees this post and agrees with this comment that actually, yes there was misleading going on here, even if it was unintentional. When a guy rearranges his schedule to be able to see a woman that he’s invited to go out with him, it signifies a certain degree of interest and can mess with her head. He will end up losing her as a friend altogether.

June 6

38 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why?

He made it clear he wasn’t interested romantically. He didn’t mislead or use the OP.

Woman here, and I agree.

If I had a friend who said he or she were skint but still agreed to go out, I would assume she at least had enough money to do so and wouldn't have come loaded with the expectation that drinks were on me. That's presumptuous and rather entitled. If my friend were that skint and secrectly expected me else to pay, he or she shouldn't have gone at all.

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I never ogle other people when they’re opening up to me about something

Was it really the time and place to open up about something, though? It seems this was another test of yours, to be honest. You two were out for drinks and you're just friends. While I can appreciate you would have liked more of his attention on you, you also could likely have chosen a better moment to share something than over a friendly drink at a bar or restuarant or wherever you were.

I recall your other threads and you frequently seem to "test" the men you date. You made some bizarre street-fight scenarios and carry-me-up-the-stairs situations for your ex to try to prove his masculinity to you, as I remember. I am not saying this current guy couldn't make positive changes, but you also lack a lot of insight into your role in your own distress in dating.

June 6

I can understand why you feel disappointed by what happened. However, in time you may actually see this as a good learning lesson.

Firstly, any man or woman who has a drink with someone they know is skint, should never agree to let that person pay for their drink. The fact that he did, means he is not good boyfriend material. Think about the type of man you want to be with. What's his character? This guy showed you upfront what he is like. He gave you useful intel to save yourself a lot of time and disappointment in the future.

Secondly, the ogling other women. If he was interested in you and still couldn't give you attention, imagine how much worse it would be in a long term relationship when things get a bit predictable. That being said, you might want to consider whether you were oversharing a bit. It is possible he felt uncomfortable which may explain why he was looking around the room. I could be wrong, but it might be something to reflect on as well.

Thirdly, self reflection. So much of situation comes down to your lack of communication to avoid feeling uncomfortable in the moment. It would have been perfectly reasonable for you to clarify whether it was date. A simple, "Are you asking me out on a date or just as a friend?" would have cleared it up in seconds and avoid any confusion about his intentions. You also should not have paid for his drink and politely made it clear you would only pay for yours. This might take some practice, but being more assertive and having boundaries will help with your confidence in the long run.

Regarding your concern about continuing to associate with him. I think you can casually/professionally, but the "dates" should stop. I would avoid anything 1-1 because he doesn't have boyfriend potential. That's just my impression anyway.

June 7

9 hours ago, teakitty said:

He oogled people when she was opening up.

Maybe it was his way to get out of an uncomfortable situation that he didn’t cause and communicate the fact he wasn’t interested in her romantically?

9 hours ago, teakitty said:

He didn't offer to buy her drink, even though she said she was skint.

Are you saying that if a woman I have no intention of being with romantically tells me she is skint I must offer to buy her a drink, and if I don’t, I’m a jerk?

That’s strange ethics…

June 7

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I recall your other threads and you frequently seem to "test" the men you date. You made some bizarre street-fight scenarios and carry-me-up-the-stairs situations for your ex to try to prove his masculinity to you, as I remember.

Oh my goodness, so this OP is that girl…

Yes, OP, looks like the problems go way beyond a failed attempt at romance with this one guy. You should really stop testing people like that. It’s very off-putting. You wanted the opinion of a straight man, so here it is.

June 7

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

When a guy rearranges his schedule to be able to see a woman that he’s invited to go out with him, it signifies a certain degree of interest and can mess with her head.

I’m sorry, but that’s just not true.

I rearranged my schedule and went out on dozens of dates with women I simply liked to hang with. Yes, sometimes those women expected more, so I just made it clear I wasn’t interested. But most of the times, we just hanged and talked casually, nobody expecting anything. It’s completely normal.

I understand that you feel upset because he didn’t reciprocate your feelings. But there is no need to get angry at him for something he didn’t do. It’s even worse if you keep assuming things like that, it will only bring more disappointments to you in the future.

June 7

32 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Maybe it was his way to get out of an uncomfortable situation that he didn’t cause and communicate the fact he wasn’t interested in her romantically?

Are you saying that if a woman I have no intention of being with romantically tells me she is skint I must offer to buy her a drink, and if I don’t, I’m a jerk?

That’s strange ethics…

Yes, he was the one who suggested going out and she said she was skint, yet he allowed her to pay for his drink as well as her own. She shouldn't have offered to pay for his drink, btw, but even a platonic friendship (say 2 girlfriends) one could cough up the the change for the other's drink, and the other could pay next time when she was a little more flush with cash.

RE: his way of getting out of an uncomfortable situation is to ogle people??? Yeah, right. That's the ticket!! LOL

June 7

Maybe some of the sting would have been removed had you simply taken the check, calculated the division, and told him what his half came to?

June 7

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Oh my goodness, so this OP is that girl…

She is, yes.

All your past threads about men reveal a pattern, OP. I am not saying all these men are angels and without their faults, to be clear, but you put men through some weird and unfair tests a lot and get upset or even demeaning about it when they don't pass with flying colours. This follows an uncomfortale pattern of behaviour with you, too. Your problems with your love life are not all on them; you are playing your role as well and you don't seem to see that at all.

Even here, I have no idea why you would pick up the tab for both of you if you were so put off by the fact that he didn't offer to pay. That was a strange choice but I am guessing you wanted more "ammo" to fuel your disappointment in him and prove your own point to support the narrative.

Edited June 7 by ExpatInItaly

June 7

17 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

I can understand why you feel disappointed by what happened. However, in time you may actually see this as a good learning lesson.

Firstly, any man or woman who has a drink with someone they know is skint, should never agree to let that person pay for their drink. The fact that he did, means he is not good boyfriend material. Think about the type of man you want to be with. What's his character? This guy showed you upfront what he is like. He gave you useful intel to save yourself a lot of time and disappointment in the future.

Secondly, the ogling other women. If he was interested in you and still couldn't give you attention, imagine how much worse it would be in a long term relationship when things get a bit predictable. That being said, you might want to consider whether you were oversharing a bit. It is possible he felt uncomfortable which may explain why he was looking around the room. I could be wrong, but it might be something to reflect on as well.

Thirdly, self reflection. So much of situation comes down to your lack of communication to avoid feeling uncomfortable in the moment. It would have been perfectly reasonable for you to clarify whether it was date. A simple, "Are you asking me out on a date or just as a friend?" would have cleared it up in seconds and avoid any confusion about his intentions. You also should not have paid for his drink and politely made it clear you would only pay for yours. This might take some practice, but being more assertive and having boundaries will help with your confidence in the long run.

Regarding your concern about continuing to associate with him. I think you can casually/professionally, but the "dates" should stop. I would avoid anything 1-1 because he doesn't have boyfriend potential. That's just my impression anyway.

Thank you, yes I do feel that situations like this expose someone’s true character, ie how they treat those whom they don’t want something from. It shouldn’t be a man’s romantic interest in a woman that incentivises him to be decent, but rather simple regard for other human beings. He values me enough to want to keep texting me and asking to hang out with me, so a minimal level of decency would have been to his advantage here as to not lose my good opinion in the way that he has.

10 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Maybe some of the sting would have been removed had you simply taken the check, calculated the division, and told him what his half came to?

This is not the point, I’m very happy to pay for things without being bothered about petty things like calculating a check. This was more the gesture- he invited me out, he chose the venue, and yet again he didn’t pay for me. I am glad that I broke the cycle in a way since it exposed his true character in letting a woman pay for him when he knows she’s not in a financially strong position currently.

June 7

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

He values me enough to want to keep texting me and asking to hang out with me...

I don't think he values you. Sorry to say. He is just keeping you as a backup social option when he is bored and to feed his ego.

Do check out Natalie Lue's blog called Baggage Reclaim.

June 7

3 hours ago, teakitty said:

I don't think he values you. Sorry to say. He is just keeping you as a backup social option when he is bored and to feed his ego.

Do check out Natalie Lue's blog called Baggage Reclaim.

Yea I meant that more as a ‘values my role in his life’ enough to want to engage with me - he’s lost that privilege now. I’m doing just enough to keep in his good books since he runs the organisation! Being ‘cool’ but no longer engaging much with his texts or invites to hang out 1:1.

Thanks everyone again for your inputs

June 7

I think your question is irrelevant and almost risky to focus on. You don't really want to ask why someone treated you in a way that confused you. Now, I am involved in storytelling and creative writing and I ask those kinds of questions just as part of a project to figure out different characters.

That's not the right question to ask when it comes to dating.

The main question--really the only question you want to ask is: did you like him? And if yes, why? This guy gave you very confusing or awkward signals, so really you want to not form any desire to spend time with him. Instead, you're jumping into what he thinks--which is putting yourself down. Sounds to me, he didn't pass your first test. He failed to show reasonably savvy behavior of the sort you want in a potential partner.

I can say this: any time I tried to figure out someone's unsatisfying and distancing behavior, nothing good ever came from this. Because behind that question is an assumption, something like this. Well maybe he really likes me (maybe she really likes me in my case) and I just need to give it more time or just understand why he is treating me this way. All that thinking did for me is to get me to shut down and tolerate behavior that was a clear signal the person didn't have the dating skills and basic maturity to qualify as a good potential partner. In other words, asking the question you're asking only sets you up for getting into bad relationships.

The only question worth asking, did I really like this person and did they treat me like I really like being treated? The answer should be a wildly enthusiastic yes! If not, maybe go on a second date, but really move on.

Now I'll give you some possible answers to your question and some of these come from when I asked this question or more likely, when I hung around long enough (painfully) and finally got an answer. Honestly, sometimes the odd behavior turned out to be that the person had a major personality disorder, or a major mental illness, or major trauma or major social awkwardness--often a combination of several of those things. In the case of this guy, the sky is the limit. He might have been trying out a new way of dating with the idea that if he treated you poorly and distantly, maybe you'd have sex him and put up with cold, distant behavior. Some guys are trying to find insecure women who will not demand much. Could be that he was in the midst of trying to develop attraction to women who were not like previous women he dated (that he found harmful). So he goes up to you because you look different than his previous partners.

The number of possible answers is infinite–and all of them require a lot of time wasting to get to. And half the time, the answer will make no sense to you.

Back to the bottom line. This guy wasn’t a good date, failed in multiple ways. Move on!

June 8

OP. you might want to check out Mel Robbins' book "Let Them". It was recommended to me as being very helpful in terms of navigating a myriad of different relationships.

June 8

I can't see anything in your description would would fall under the heading of 'pursuing you'. He simply likes your company as a friend.

You don't have to keep seeing him if you don't want to, but he hasn't been leading you on or doing anything inappropriate

Edited June 8 by basil67

June 8

On 6/7/2026 at 10:05 AM, teakitty said:

Yes, he was the one who suggested going out and she said she was skint, yet he allowed her to pay for his drink as well as her own. She shouldn't have offered to pay for his drink, btw, but even a platonic friendship (say 2 girlfriends) one could cough up the the change for the other's drink, and the other could pay next time when she was a little more flush with cash.

RE: his way of getting out of an uncomfortable situation is to ogle people??? Yeah, right. That's the ticket!! LOL

There is no doubt the guy could have handled it better.

But you called him a “jerk”, which I think is too harsh.

June 8

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is no doubt the guy could have handled it better.

But you called him a “jerk”, which I think is too harsh.

On 6/7/2026 at 2:34 AM, Gebidozo said:

I rearranged my schedule and went out on dozens of dates with women I simply liked to hang with. Yes, sometimes those women expected more

Hi Gebidozo, thanks for the support you’ve given on my thread but I think you may want to check in with your own thoughts on this one as to not inadvertently do things yourself which lead women on- respectfully you appear to be oblivious to how this can happen with such behaviours.

Inviting a woman to dinner and rearranging your schedule to make it a time that suits her may seem casual to you, but not many straight men do this. Maybe in ten years’ time or so, it may be more of the done thing. But currently it very much sits in the ‘leading on’ boat IMO. Be wary of not leading on too many ladies!

Edited June 8 by babybrowns

June 8

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

I can't see anything in your description would would fall under the heading of 'pursuing you'. He simply likes your company as a friend.

Agreed. I don't think he's done anything that awful.

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

But you called him a “jerk”, which I think is too harsh.

I also agree on this. He shouldn't have let OP pick up the tab, but other than that, I don't see true jerk behaviour.

June 8

On 6/6/2026 at 4:33 AM, babybrowns said:

But I didn’t want to be offended if it turned out that this was not his intention after all. So I did what some might call ‘test the water’- I said to him that while I’d have liked to get food, I’m currently skint (partly true) so perhaps if he could choose somewhere not too pricey that I can afford this time it would be great.

I was seeing whether in his response, he’d hint at ‘oh I can get this, you can treat me next time!’ or something to that effect which may indicate that his intention was to take me out this time. But he simply responded by finding “reasonably priced” places for me as he called them, sending me links to them so that I could check whether they were affordable for me. I was secretly a little upset that his intentions were clearly platonic this time too, so I politely said to him that it might be best for us to just get drinks rather than dinner this time like before, which is what we did. I ended up paying for the both of us- he didn’t offer despite knowing that I’m skint!

but you weren't "skint" because you said right here that this was simply a test to get him to agree to pay.

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