Why do straight guys pursue women they have no romantic interest in?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I’d like some advice. I met a guy a few months ago through mutual friends. He’s early 30s, I’m mid 30s. In this time he has expressed ‘friendly’ interest in me- texting me, initiating 1:1 hangouts, finding me at group events where he talks to me more than to others despite being acquainted with most people there.

There is nothing romantic about any of this- for example, he has never offered to pay for a single coffee that I’ve had when we’ve hung out. He has never checked that I’ve got back home ok afterwards despite it being late into the night when we’ve parted. This is all despite him being vocal about choosing a ‘nice cafe/ bar that I may like’ each time- that’s as far as the care from him has seemed to go.

For our last 1:1 meet which he initiated, he asked if I’d like to get dinner. This made me question whether his intentions were indeed platonic since in my experience, it’s not often that a straight guy asks a woman whom he’s only met a handful of times if she’d like to go out for dinner without having some intention of it being a date. I was open to the prospect of this potentially having romantic motives this time, since I do find him attractive.

But I didn’t want to be offended if it turned out that this was not his intention after all. So I did what some might call ‘test the water’- I said to him that while I’d have liked to get food, I’m currently skint (partly true) so perhaps if he could choose somewhere not too pricey that I can afford this time it would be great.

I was seeing whether in his response, he’d hint at ‘oh I can get this, you can treat me next time!’ or something to that effect which may indicate that his intention was to take me out this time. But he simply responded by finding “reasonably priced” places for me as he called them, sending me links to them so that I could check whether they were affordable for me. I was secretly a little upset that his intentions were clearly platonic this time too, so I politely said to him that it might be best for us to just get drinks rather than dinner this time like before, which is what we did. I ended up paying for the both of us- he didn’t offer despite knowing that I’m skint!

During our hangout, he spent a fair bit of time ogling other women. This was especially disconcerting since it was during the times that I was opening up about my life that he was distracted in this way - it was clear that he did not care to get to know me at all. When we parted, I gave him a hug, just as I hug all friends that I meet up with, but he hardly reciprocated this, at best giving me a half-hug back. I came home virtually in tears because it was very clear to me that the hopes I had of this hangout having romantic intentions from him were once again not what it was.

And lo and behold, the next day he texted me again, and has been watching all my stories on social media.

It is not healthy for me to keep this connection since there are unrequited feelings here, so I have decided to detach from it. But I would love some insights from members, particularly straight men, as to what the agenda could have been here. Why a straight guy would actively ‘pursue’ a woman when he has no interest in dating her?’ Thank you!

 

Edited 7 hours ago by babybrowns

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

But I would love some insights from members, particularly straight men, as to what the agenda could have been here. Why a straight guy would actively ‘pursue’ a woman when he has no interest in dating her?’

But you said it yourself, he didn’t pursue you romantically.

I agree that he made it very clear that he has no romantic intentions. He probably just wants to hang with you because he likes you as a person. That’s totally normal. I also like spending time with female friends, and I did it quite a bit when I was single, without wanting anything sexual from them.

I understand that you’re disappointment because you’re catching feelings for him, but there is nothing you can do besides cutting off contact with him.

[teakitty]

I'm not a guy, but you are feeding his ego and he enjoys the "narcissistic supply"... not only "free of charge", but he gets free drinks to boot.  So that's why he's keeping you around, in case he is bored or needs an ego boost.

I'd cut off all contact with him.

He is a real jerk.

You don't act like he's done even with platonic friends.

Read Natlie Lue's blog, "Baggage Reclaim" about ass-clowns, etc.

It sounds like you are hoping he will change and end up "liking you".  He won't.

It really sucks... but you are better off alone than in poor company.

[babybrowns]

3 minutes ago, teakitty said:

You don't act like he's done even with platonic friends.

Thanks for your post and yes I agree with this statement in particular. When seeing my female friends or my gay male friends, I never ogle other people when they’re opening up to me about something, it is disrespectful when they’ve given up their time to see me upon my invitation, especially if it’s a budding connection. Also, if I had an indication that they were financially struggling, I would not let them pay for my drink in addition to theirs- I’d offer to buy them their drink too.

I’d happily cut this person off but he runs an important organisation that I’m part of (not work-related, thank goodness!) which I may risk losing if I do that. But it’s been an unpleasant ordeal to hang out with him to say the least. He even rearranged his schedule to see me at a time which suited me which further led me to have hope that he liked me beyond the platonic level. I may just choose to not engage with him for a few weeks while any caught feelings have a chance to subside

[Gebidozo]

32 minutes ago, teakitty said:

He is a real jerk.

Why?

He made it clear he wasn’t interested romantically. He didn’t mislead or use the OP.

 

[teakitty]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why?

He made it clear he wasn’t interested romantically. He didn’t mislead or use the OP.

 

He oogled people when she was opening up.

He didn't offer to buy her drink, even though she said she was skint.

To me, that is jerk-like behaviour.  YMMV

[babybrowns]

43 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

He made it clear he wasn’t interested romantically. He didn’t mislead or use the OP.

 

I think it would benefit any straight man who sees this post and agrees with this comment that actually, yes there was misleading going on here, even if it was unintentional. When a guy rearranges his schedule to be able to see a woman that he’s invited to go out with him, it signifies a certain degree of interest and can mess with her head. He will end up losing her as a friend altogether.

[ExpatInItaly]

38 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why?

He made it clear he wasn’t interested romantically. He didn’t mislead or use the OP.

Woman here, and I agree. 

If I had a friend who said he or she were skint but still agreed to go out, I would assume she at least had enough money to do so and wouldn't have come loaded with the expectation that drinks were on me. That's presumptuous and rather entitled. If my friend were that skint and secrectly expected me else to pay, he or she shouldn't have gone at all. 

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I never ogle other people when they’re opening up to me about something

Was it really the time and place to open up about something, though? It seems this was another test of yours, to be honest. You two were out for drinks and you're just friends. While I can appreciate you would have liked more of his attention on you, you also could likely have chosen a better moment to share something than over a friendly drink at a bar or restuarant or wherever you were. 

I recall your other threads and you frequently seem to "test" the men you date. You made some bizarre street-fight scenarios and carry-me-up-the-stairs situations for your ex to try to prove his masculinity to you,  as I remember. I am not saying this current guy couldn't make positive changes, but you also lack a lot of insight into your role in your own distress in dating.