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It's me again 10 years in the making with the same girl on a 30 day NC initiated by her.


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37 minutes ago, Kavey said:

Is it really a strange question? There's 2 scenarios, we either work it out or we dont. The point of this is not to let her have all the power and control. There are dynamics, me presenting myself as a wreck paints a different picture, and more of a weak man and also shows how much I've been hurting while she's gone. Me presenting myself as happy and confident, shows I have composure, despite all the pain and shows I am open to working stuff out.

You're vastly over estimating how much say you've got in this. 

She will have decided what she wants to do before you arrive.   If she cautiously wants to work things out, she will likely express conditions she wants met if she returns.   If you don't want to meet her requests, she will probably choose to walk away.   If you play the childish game of ignoring her getting in contact with you for a few days, she'll probably choose to walk away.   You're dealing with someone who's dangling by a thread here. 

Onn the other hand, if she is firm in her decision to break up, it is her decision - and her decision only.   You have absolutely no say in it whatsoever.

For a relationship to succeed, it needs two enthusiastic 'yes' votes.  If it is to end, it only needs one 'no' vote.  

 

 

 

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15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're vastly over estimating how much say you've got in this. 

She will have decided what she wants to do before you arrive.   If she cautiously wants to work things out, she will likely express conditions she wants met if she returns.   If you don't want to meet her requests, she will probably choose to walk away.   If you play the childish game of ignoring her getting in contact with you for a few days, she'll probably choose to walk away.   You're dealing with someone who's dangling by a thread here. 

Onn the other hand, if she is firm in her decision to break up, it is her decision - and her decision only.   You have absolutely no say in it whatsoever.

For a relationship to succeed, it needs two enthusiastic 'yes' votes.  If it is to end, it only needs one 'no' vote.  

 

 

 

So be it.

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ExpatInItaly

Stop trying to plan out what you should say or do after the 30 days, man. 

Stop trying to plan when to respond. See how you feel in the moment. Cross that bridge when you come to it. For all you know, she will have already decided if she wants to move forward with you or not. She is the one who wanted time away from you, so chances are she will have made a choice by then anyway. See what she has to say. 

In the meantime, do not show up at her house. Don't go dropping off gifts. She asked you for space, so you would be wise to honour that. She doesn't need to be reminded that she loves you. She knows her own heart and mind better than you do, so you have got to stop trying to control the outcome here. I konw it's hard when you feel helpless and you don't want this to end, but it's her prerogative to break up if that's what she ulimately wants. 

What I think is going on here is actually simply that she has been with you a long time and has outgrown the relationship. It doesn't sound as though she has much other experience outside of you, and these long relationships that begin when one of both parties are quite young usually have an expiration date. It doesn't mean either of you has done something wrong, but what we want when we're young often changes as we grow into adulthood. Feelings sometimes change as we figure out who we are. If that's the case, there isn't anything you can do. It would mean that it's just run its course for her. 

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ExpatInItaly
11 hours ago, Kavey said:

I want to make it to clear everyone that in her head she knows if we're over, she'll never see me again. She is under the thought that I will cease to exist if she breaks my heart, there will be no friends, no answer, no coming back and I will not stand to see her date a single another person. This is in an sense an ultimatum that I instilled in her head while we were happy and together. She knows we've had more good times than bad, we've just hit a rough patch in the recent year or 2

What is your point? That's a sincere question. 

She knows the above, yes, and she has still opted to take time away from you. She isn't afraid to lose you anymore. If she were, well, you wouldn't be here now. 

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2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What is your point? That's a sincere question. 

She knows the above.;.....

Everyone knows the above!   It the basic rule of breakups.

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22 hours ago, Kavey said:

I know i know...Im thinking... its very extreme.. But I dont understand why she would tell other people that she still loves me, and still sees a future for me, and she wants to improve herself to make the relationship stronger as she is not happy with herself. The day we fought she asked, 'do you love yourself, and how do you do it' Something in my head indicates its not the relationship. And when she initiated the idea, I was calm, nice and understanding, but very damn sad.  She reiterated to me multiple times nothing is wrong with the relationship but it is all her.

Her sister called me and confirmed all these things almost verbatim from her and I am fairly close to the sister as well. We're friends and I know she's looking out for me.

again just my personal experience, the multiple times this happened to me...the girls ALWAYS claimed they loved me and wanted to be with me and no one else.  then days later...in bed with other dudes. 

again, her words don't matter as much as her actions right now, the actions being separated from you by her choice. 

just keep your guard up.

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Upon leaving my ex-h, the biggest epiphany I had was that I was no longer in love with him, and that realisation really only came about because one of the feelings I had after leaving, was one of relief that I'd gone.   

There are so many posts here from women (and some men) who detail being utterly miserable in the relationship and then finish up by saying "but I love him!".  My response is to suggest they make a list of all the things they find so lovable about the partner, about why he is such a great partner to have.   They almost never come back with an answer

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Kavey, consider taking the 30 days to take stock of your life and focus on yourself.

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@Kavey You talk about not handing over all the power and control to her.  Do you realise that you don't have to accept her wanting a break if you don't want to?   You  have the choice to tell her that if she stays away, there will be no relationship at the end of it.   Or you can tell her that you're not interested in continuing a relationship with someone who can't figure it out while they are still together with you.   

Don't you think it's rather selfish of her to take a break and expect you to be there waiting for her if she chooses to return?  Why do you want her back if she's willing to do this to you?

Remember that it's called a break because the relationship is already broken

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