It's me again 10 years in the making with the same girl on a 30 day NC initiated by her.

[Kavey]

If you remember my post from 10 years ago or read my post from 10 years ago, my girlfriend and I are on a 30 day NC initiated by her. I will try to go into as much detail I can in the points that matter. 10 years ago we were pretty much children we are now 30 and 27(almost 28) in almost the same but IMO healthier version of it. (Small similar history context) before we got back together 10 years ago she needed to find herself, realized she loved me and we forgave each other for everything we did to each other. Followed by a decade of mostly blissful and happy memories together soon to be engaged (she doesn't know as this was supposed to be a surprise) but something went wrong, we got in a argument, and for 10 years straight we always forgave and loved each after every argument we always apologized and acknowledged, this time something went wrong.  And before we get into making her the villain, she has grown to be a honest woman, but a woman who appears to have lost herself in the relationship, could be many reasons, little to no friends (1-2 girlfriends) , few hobbies, recently graduated college, and a job she's not really happy about, and depends on me for a lot (which I don't mind even though sometimes I do get frustrated but hey I am human,  anyways, I am the breadwinner and usually the person to fix a lot of problems in the relationship.

The situation

1. We got into an argument over her bailing on me to hangout with recently divorced sister last minute when we had already made plans. The fighting ensued over the phone and I lashed out and got upset with her saying you don't bail on your partner if you already made plans you should be mindful, I understand your sister recently got divorced but I am your partner and we should be considerate of each others plans.

2. We had to hang up the phone and said she will call me back, when she called me back we were still mad at each other,  we argued over moot points mainly how I've been mean sometimes and I make her feel small unintentionally, and that she still feels like she's too dependent on me and everyone around her for her age. She asked she wanted space or a break w.e and we both balled our eyes out, she saw the hurt in my eyes through facetime and she had a panic attack, hyperventilating saying that we need to stop talking right now I cant do this. She also asked me "Do you love yourself" I said so-so, and she said how?~ I gave my honest to earth reasoning in saying, by trying your best and knowing all other factors are out of your control. I tried to calm her down as I cried my eyes out and managed a bit to get her inside before we hung up. That night I texted " are we on a break?" 'she said no baby and I will call you tomorrow.

3. The next day, I called her in a panic as nothing was resolved from last night, she texted I know you're feeling really anxious talk but I need some space Im still really emotional can we talk this time tomorrow. Please respect my boundary baby, I just need this time, I love you. I begged and nothing changed. She then said we both need to learn how to soothe ourselves. Every time I soothe you, I sacrifice myself,  I need to prioritize my feelings and health. I am in love with you and we will talk tomorrow.

4. The final conversation by phone it started off as normal as it felt we were going to get through it and fix it but she hit me with Im asking for 30 days of space (not breaking up) then we will reconvene. Her reasons? That she doesn't know who she is besides being my partner, that she still feels like that immature 18 year old that depends on everyone, stating how could she love me when she cant love herself. Me as the  boyfriend took that space and reasoning as cliche in which most of the time means "HEY IM GONNA GO MEET OTHER PPL, WAIT FOR ME TO SEE WHICH I LIKE MORE" thats a deal breaker for me, I asked her if this is what she meant, and if she did, to let me know cause it is fair, but I won't be yours anymore ever. She stated my intention is to find myself and see who I am cause I don't know who she is, and it doesn't make sense for me to jump into another relationship or meet other people when I still love you and the problem is not the relationship but myself. The common reiteration was its not the relationship is not the problem but me, and I want to better myself to make the relationship stronger. To her words, she is not looking for sex, another person or another relationship. But to focus on her goals,  needs and happiness and that once again she is still in love with me. She is saying there nothing wrong with her trying to improve herself to make the relationship stronger. And ( I could always improve myself as well)

5.My responses and thoughts: We are not broken up, this isn't a break , we are not seeing other people, all I know is its space away from each other from what I gathered. And 10 years ago I was in love with her , and today I still am and I have planned on finally getting engaged/married soon as I finally hit my goal in my career point where I could be the best version of myself to her and our hopeful children. But I am confused, I don't know what this means, Im trying to win her back in a sense but this was all meticulously planned by her. Why 30 days? What can possibly really change in 30 days in finding herself, after being together for over a decade? We share mainly happiness and things that we fight about that could be fixed and are considered trivial but she is equating the problem to herself and not me? I don't really suspect cheating or there being someone else, as we both have our locations on for each other, and have passwords to our phones. We trust each other. I also spoke to her recently divorced sister who I am very close to as well, as they were together when this fight happened and I was told " she really cares about you and loves you a lot, but rn she needs to focus on herself without the responsibility or emotional weight of a relationship and if its any reassurance, she has really expressed (a lot) to me that she does not want to meet anyone else and she only pictures her future with you. And that she's had hints of feeling this way before but never really talked about it, and I think the year and her turning older (28) this year has her realizing what she needs.

 

So love shack I am here once again 10 years later, asking what should I do, what should I expect, how can I win her back, what are the scenarios? You guys saved my relationship 10 years ago when I found bout GIGS, and you are all awesome for that as I initiated the NC and she cracked at 21 days which led us to 10 years of amazing bliss. Is this a quarter life crisis, depression? a lie to eventually leave me? They often say you'll never truly know the answer in relationships. I believed 10 years ago theres gotta be an answer, there always is and I still think that today. 

 

Other Key Details

-My close friends believe that time and space will heal this and she will come back to you if you respect her enough to honor the 30 days and that she might even crack before I do. 

-Keep in mind somewhere in our conversations she said 30 days to start, and when asked why? She stated 30 days feels like sufficient time.

- I am in heartache and agony, tears come and go,  and my mental state has been in state of anxiety filled with questions. I love her, I really do.

- I did have a quarter life crisis myself but I never really shared those struggles with my partner cause I knew it would hurt her, I did fix and overcome them and probably not in the most productive way but it did pass and is no longer a concern in my life.

 

Hope to hear some really great insight, and tools, as this time the NC is flipped on me. I will provide other smaller details from our social circle if needed or requested. Tried to condense this as much as possible.

So how cooked am I chat? or do I have fighting chance? 

Edited January 14 by Kavey
Extra detail

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Kavey said:

We got into an argument over her bailing on me to hangout with recently divorced sister last minute when we had already made plans. The fighting ensued over the phone and I lashed out and got upset with her saying you don't bail on your partner if you already made plans you should be mindful, I understand your sister recently got divorced but I am your partner and we should be considerate of each others plans.

This is the most important part of the story, but it's utterly lacking in detail.   What plans had you made?  Were there tickets already purchased, or you'd been on a restaurant wait list for six weeks?   Why did she deem her sister's plans more important?  Did she offer to try and reschedule the date she had with you?   When you "lashed out and got upset" what exactly did you say to her?  Do you have anger issues in general?   I get you were disappointed, but why "lash out" at her? 

If the things you fight about can be fixed, they would have been fixed already

Also you've been together for 10 years and haven't proposed.  If I were her, I'd think the excuse that you're waiting to be the best man you can be is just avoidance of marriage.  If you really wanted to secure her in your life, you'd marry her and grow at the same time.   What is her view on this?  Is she keen to get married?   Has she expressed frustration at the delay?

I strongly disagree that this is not a break, because there simply is no other name for 30 days of no contact.  And as this was on the back of you lashing out at her, part of her personal growth will involve considering whether you are the right person for her.   And bear in mind, had you married her, her leaving you would be far more difficult than it is now.

While she is reflecting on who she is and what she wants, you may want to reconsider some of your own views.  Particularly where you'd rather your personal growth than lock her down as your wife.....and that the things you fight about remain unsolved....and your temper

 

[Kavey]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

This is the most important part of the story, but it's utterly lacking in detail.   What plans had you made?  Were there tickets already purchased, or you'd been on a restaurant wait list for six weeks?   Why did she deem her sister's plans more important?  Did she offer to try and reschedule the date she had with you?   When you "lashed out and got upset" what exactly did you say to her?  Do you have anger issues in general?   I get you were disappointed, but why "lash out" at her? 

If the things you fight about can be fixed, they would have been fixed already

Also you've been together for 10 years and haven't proposed.  If I were her, I'd think the excuse that you're waiting to be the best man you can be is just avoidance of marriage.  If you really wanted to secure her in your life, you'd marry her and grow at the same time.   What is her view on this?  Is she keen to get married?   Has she expressed frustration at the delay?

I strongly disagree that this is not a break, because there simply is no other name for 30 days of no contact.  And as this was on the back of you lashing out at her, part of her personal growth will involve considering whether you are the right person for her.   And bear in mind, had you married her, her leaving you would be far more difficult than it is now.

While she is reflecting on who she is and what she wants, you may want to reconsider some of your own views.  Particularly where you'd rather your personal growth than lock her down as your wife.....and that the things you fight about remain unsolved....and your temper

 

We had plan to see Noseferatu and I had gotten tickets, and breakfast reservations the next day . Yes they could've probably been cancelled but it was a day prior, and this issue had happened 3 times already with her sister, and each time it happened again I got upset because I felt like my consideration wasnt being valued. The plan she went to do with her sister was originally to escape the fires in california, however there was no mandatory evacuation and I reassured her that the fires were not going to reach her area and if it came close, I would be there. (I was working at the time) When she left with her sister, I assumed her and her whole family did a whole evacuation because they all felt unsafe. Turns out it was only her who left with her sister, and when I called she was at karoake bar with her sister and it made me really mad because i thought this was all about safety. I lashed out in the way where I said  'babe I get your sister is going through a divorce and going through a phase right now of partying but you have a partner and you should be considerate of me, this was the 3rd time she had done this. I do have some anger issue in general, and I am actively trying to sort them out by seeking proper resources, in the grandscale of bad it is maybe a 7 out of 10.

 

The issues that I felt weren't resolved yet were bit of my anger and sometimes lack of patience, but this came in the last 2 years and not so much in the first 8 years. A lot of it stemmed from me being stuck financially and not so great in my career. However, we were both on the same page of not getting married yet, she and I both knew we weren't ready. However the idea was, that we would sooner than later.

I profusely stress that she procrastinates a lot, from health to financial and sometimes it takes a great a while for her to get sorted out without having to get a nudge or a reminder. For example, she just got her license last year at age 27 so you can see a bit of the gravity in not being ready to get married. And Which sometimes it did stress me out, but it was fine because its her flaw, and I love her regardless of her flaws. To make it clear I know that it is not good, but I still very much love her regardless of that, and it is something that can be worked on. In my relationship I have always sacrificed and made an attempt to strike a balance between her, my passions, and my personal growth. But in her case I only felt she really only seemed to focus on me. And as a partner I always encouraged her that I would supportive of her passions and dreams, but she just needs to actively work on them rather than be idle. I am looking into myself in this moment to see what I can change, I know my anger and lack of patience I once had could be one, and I am looking into anger management classes. I am willing to go to couples counseling as well if need, I am ready to do anything to save this relationship.

You said you strongly disagree that this is not a break? She did not explicitly say we are on break or breakup, and she used the word space. I feel like if she wanted to end the relationship she would have done it by now and not actively tell her sister she sees a future with only me. And truth be told in our recent lives, a lot of women around her have been very dependent on men, and are actively being left by their husbands (divorce) and those women are not only in emotional shambles, but financial and living wise as well. I know the point is moot, but I would never do such a thing to her but, in fact. I could even say I've had a fear of marriage because I felt like one day she would just wake up and not love me anymore. Kind of what just happened right now, but at every stop she continues to tell me she still loves me and is still in love? Could that be a lie to preserve me?

 

The last important detail about all of this, is all of this was done through phone and facetime. She explicitly states she can not see me in person because it would want to make her save me and backtrack, and I don't understand that. My response was that seeing me doesn't actively change whats in your heart, and if I feel that you are back tracking I would still give you the 30 days of NC because I want you to know I love you and be sure of yourself.

A similar problem happened when we were way younger in our relationship, and the only reoccurring pattern i noticed was, she was in a crappy job at that time, and she had barely graduated high-school a couple months later. Now she recently graduated college, and is a mediocre job, that I know is not exactly what she wants right now.

I am reflecting on myself, but as I mentioned I have always tried to work on my personal growth while being in the relationship, work, health, passions, friends. I see now that my outlook and patience is now something I have to rebuild again.

[basil67]

OK, if you've got tickets to a show, then she should be there unless her sister needs help with an evacuation.   Your concerns were ligitimate sound like you spoke to her respectfully.  I'm glad you're seeking help for your anger.  7/10 is not good!

Good to know that you're both not ready to marry, but I fear that you're looking at her as a project which still needs fine tuning.  Is she actually addressing her procrastination, or is it something you want her to do?  Does she care that she's a procrastinator?   And if she wants to focus more on you than her personal development, this is her prerogative.  You really shouldn't have a say in how hard she focuses.   Instead, you simply look at her how she is and decide if she's the perfect one for you.

Regarding the definition of space vs break, I really see no difference.   Either way, she'd be out of contact with you

 

[Kavey]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK, if you've got tickets to a show, then she should be there unless her sister needs help with an evacuation.   Your concerns were ligitimate sound like you spoke to her respectfully.  I'm glad you're seeking help for your anger.  7/10 is not good!

Good to know that you're both not ready to marry, but I fear that you're looking at her as a project which still needs fine tuning.  Is she actually addressing her procrastination, or is it something you want her to do?  Does she care that she's a procrastinator?   And if she wants to focus more on you than her personal development, this is her prerogative.  You really shouldn't have a say in how hard she focuses.   Instead, you simply look at her how she is and decide if she's the perfect one for you.

Regarding the definition of space vs break, I really see no difference.   Either way, she'd be out of contact with you

 

Problem is I sounded mean about it so it was a lash out, but they were valid reasons to be upset imo. And I dont think she has addressed her procrastination, theres a lot of situations where I need to remind her of what she has to do but she herself has said it before its something she knows she has a problem with. Well the problem with her wanting to focus on me too much is now the situation we're in as she says theres nothing wrong with the relationship but rather something within herself. She doesnt know who she is?? She still feels like a kid and doesnt love herself. I already have decided she is the perfect one for me, its why I've put up with so much to this point. And dealing with that constantly could wear on anyones patience, I am human but regardless of how annoyed I may get, I still show up for her.

 

Yeah I suppose so, I guess what Im wondering is if I should fight for her differently and break her request for time away each other differently, for example I know she wants no NC but cant we start that after we talk in person? This whole fight has been through phone! It leaves my mind open to worst case scenario in the sense in why can't she tell me all this face to face? It has been so hard and painful for me, and this is day 3.  Do you think we still have a chance of being together? How should I approach this NC without having discussed these terms in person yet. She has explicitly told me if I go see her it starts the 30 days again and I dont want that. Ive thought bout just dropping off flowers or a little plush she likes at her door step in 2 weeks to show I am still thinking of her.  

Like I mean, does she not miss me? Cause I sure as hell miss her. 

 

If she really is unsure and doesnt want to be with me, why not break up with me then and there? why put off the inevitable? Why prolong pain?

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, Kavey said:

And I dont think she has addressed her procrastination, theres a lot of situations where I need to remind her of what she has to do but she herself has said it before its something she knows she has a problem with.

Your girlfriend is a procrastinator.  She's always going to be a procrastinator.  Can you love her for who she is?

Re the break/space: There are no terms to be negotiated.  She doesn't want to speak with you and you can either run with it, or break up with her.   And if you have to 'fight' for her, the battle is already lost.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Kavey said:

 'babe I get your sister is going through a divorce and going through a phase right now of partying but you have a partner and you should be considerate of me

You said that you were mean about what you said, hence calling it 'lashing out'.  What you said here isn't mean.     Or did you not give the full story?

[Kavey]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You said that you were mean about what you said, hence calling it 'lashing out'.  What you said here isn't mean.     Or did you not give the full story?

Well my voice was raised, cause I was upset but that is what I said. I also told her that you would think it'd be a redflag too if I ditched you last minute to hangout with my bachelor friends 3 times on weekend at some karoake bar or dance place. and no I wasnt insinuating she was doing something wrong at those events, but to remember she is in a committed relationship 

[basil67]

OK, yeah - raised voices don't achieve anything positive.  

The upshot is that she preferred to spend time with her sister than go to a concert with you.   So it makes perfect sense that she reassess how she's feeling about it all.  Though I don't know why she needs a month to do it.   She should either just break up or commit to working on this with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she hasn't yet worked up the courage to break up with you, but I would brace yourself for it. 

I'm sorry. 

[Interstellar]

One of the things i learned after years on planet earth is to never make a decision or say something in a highly emotional state. When i encounter a situation before i say or do something that could have potential consequences i back off. Whether it’s something someone did or say or write. If it’s email or text i set it aside and wait one day or two or three days even and really think about what i’m going to say before I reply. If someone did something, i back off and simply don’t say anything for the time being and look at the situation as objectively as i can. In the third person. 
 

What was the reasons on the previous times she broke her date with you? I would’ve simply said that hey you know i reserved this date for us and I’m disappointed that you broke our date. Next time let me know ahead that you can’t make it because i’ve planned and reserved everything. 
 

Women don’t use the word “space” if their interest in the guy is high. It sounds like you’re hanging by a very thin thread my friend. Give her the space she needs and go full no contact. Let her miss you. Drop off the face of the earth. No emails, no text, no social media, etc. And after she contacts you, wait one day before replying, and only use texting to set up dates with her. Only see her once a week and no more endless texting about your day. Just use it to set up dates. When she decides to meet keep your hands to yourself and don’t initiate sex or any form of touching with her. Let her initiate the touching, when she touches you don’t reciprocate. Let her continue touching you. When you cut off the supply (you) then demand can go up IF her interest in you hasn’t fallen way below the mason dixon line. If you get back together and chances are very low you have to keep it light, positive and funny and no negatives and no put downs from now on. Never talk about your exes, or how bad your day is or how your boss is awful or the news. Don’t make her your therapist or your mother. Continue dating her and surprising her with a small gift every week or a few days and give her a compliment at least once a day. I’d only see her three times a week from then on. 

Edited January 15 by Interstellar

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Kavey said:

I also told her that you would think it'd be a redflag too if I ditched you last minute to hangout with my bachelor friends 3 times on weekend at some karoake bar or dance place.

So, is it correct to assume she's been spending more and more time out with friends? 

[flitzanu]

just my input on "wanting space" as the others have indicated, the most common thing that happens from this is that the person initiating "space" or "break" or whatever you call it ends up leaving the relationship.  that's the highest probability.

that's my experience, as i've had the "i just want to take time to find myself" from multiple girls that all ended up being breakups but they were too nervous to actually do it.

pay attention to the action, not the tiny words.  she's cutting you off for 30 days.  that's huge.  

if your job told you "hey we want you to continue coming to work, but we aren't going to pay you for 30 days so you just work for free" would you do that? 

 

[Kavey]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, is it correct to assume she's been spending more and more time out with friends? 

Just her sister, as shes going through a divorce. She has one other friend who's shes not too happy with right now either.

[Kavey]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

just my input on "wanting space" as the others have indicated, the most common thing that happens from this is that the person initiating "space" or "break" or whatever you call it ends up leaving the relationship.  that's the highest probability.

that's my experience, as i've had the "i just want to take time to find myself" from multiple girls that all ended up being breakups but they were too nervous to actually do it.

pay attention to the action, not the tiny words.  she's cutting you off for 30 days.  that's huge.  

if your job told you "hey we want you to continue coming to work, but we aren't going to pay you for 30 days so you just work for free" would you do that? 

 

I know i know...Im thinking... its very extreme.. But I dont understand why she would tell other people that she still loves me, and still sees a future for me, and she wants to improve herself to make the relationship stronger as she is not happy with herself. The day we fought she asked, 'do you love yourself, and how do you do it' Something in my head indicates its not the relationship. And when she initiated the idea, I was calm, nice and understanding, but very damn sad.  She reiterated to me multiple times nothing is wrong with the relationship but it is all her.

Her sister called me and confirmed all these things almost verbatim from her and I am fairly close to the sister as well. We're friends and I know she's looking out for me.

[Kavey]

8 hours ago, Interstellar said:

One of the things i learned after years on planet earth is to never make a decision or say something in a highly emotional state. When i encounter a situation before i say or do something that could have potential consequences i back off. Whether it’s something someone did or say or write. If it’s email or text i set it aside and wait one day or two or three days even and really think about what i’m going to say before I reply. If someone did something, i back off and simply don’t say anything for the time being and look at the situation as objectively as i can. In the third person. 
 

What was the reasons on the previous times she broke her date with you? I would’ve simply said that hey you know i reserved this date for us and I’m disappointed that you broke our date. Next time let me know ahead that you can’t make it because i’ve planned and reserved everything. 
 

Women don’t use the word “space” if their interest in the guy is high. It sounds like you’re hanging by a very thin thread my friend. Give her the space she needs and go full no contact. Let her miss you. Drop off the face of the earth. No emails, no text, no social media, etc. And after she contacts you, wait one day before replying, and only use texting to set up dates with her. Only see her once a week and no more endless texting about your day. Just use it to set up dates. When she decides to meet keep your hands to yourself and don’t initiate sex or any form of touching with her. Let her initiate the touching, when she touches you don’t reciprocate. Let her continue touching you. When you cut off the supply (you) then demand can go up IF her interest in you hasn’t fallen way below the mason dixon line. If you get back together and chances are very low you have to keep it light, positive and funny and no negatives and no put downs from now on. Never talk about your exes, or how bad your day is or how your boss is awful or the news. Don’t make her your therapist or your mother. Continue dating her and surprising her with a small gift every week or a few days and give her a compliment at least once a day. I’d only see her three times a week from then on. 

I am on day 4 and about to be day 5 and today is the day I feel closest to cracking and going to drive to her house so we can talk in person.. Everyone of my friends is advising against this but my heart is telling me to go do it to remind her she still loves me. She did not want to initiate any of this in person because she thinks by seeing me her , I will make her want to save me. I explained to her that I dont want that if you dont feel it your heart and I would initiate 30 days NC myself even if I saw you in person.

 

Is really the best course of action to continue on this 30 day NC, 10 years ago when we had another rough patch, I dropped off the face of the planet with NC but I did not let her know or tell her. And after 21 days she cracked and messaged me. and it was the start of us loving each other again. I am scared this time it wont work as she was the one to set this up.

I want to make it to clear everyone that in her head she knows if we're over, she'll never see me again. She is under the thought that I will cease to exist if she breaks my heart, there will be no friends, no answer, no coming back and I will not stand to see her date a single another person. This is in an sense an ultimatum that I instilled in her head while we were happy and together. She knows we've had more good times than bad, we've just hit a rough patch in the recent year or 2

[basil67]

Re the bolded, this is quite normal for a break up.  What makes you think she'd expect  a different outcome

I understand that she's taking this time to sort her own head out, but do you realise that an ongoing rough patch will make someone feel bad in their own head?  Space will help her figure this out

 And what of her wanting to spend more time with her sister instead of you.  If you beg someone to come back, then they come back on their terms, not yours

[Interstellar]

30 minutes ago, Kavey said:

I am on day 4 and about to be day 5 and today is the day I feel closest to cracking and going to drive to her house so we can talk in person.. Everyone of my friends is advising against this but my heart is telling me to go do it to remind her she still loves me. She did not want to initiate any of this in person because she thinks by seeing me her , I will make her want to save me. I explained to her that I dont want that if you dont feel it your heart and I would initiate 30 days NC myself even if I saw you in person.

 

Is really the best course of action to continue on this 30 day NC, 10 years ago when we had another rough patch, I dropped off the face of the planet with NC but I did not let her know or tell her. And after 21 days she cracked and messaged me. and it was the start of us loving each other again. I am scared this time it wont work as she was the one to set this up.

I want to make it to clear everyone that in her head she knows if we're over, she'll never see me again. She is under the thought that I will cease to exist if she breaks my heart, there will be no friends, no answer, no coming back and I will not stand to see her date a single another person. This is in an sense an ultimatum that I instilled in her head while we were happy and together. She knows we've had more good times than bad, we've just hit a rough patch in the recent year or 2

Well it worked before didn’t it? she cracked after 21 days and that’s not even your problem. Your problem is that you’re weak and you’re talking about cracking and driving to her house and talking to her in person and doing all of this and all of that. Yawn. Save your energy and your gas money. Give her space. Space that she asked for. 

Edited January 15 by Interstellar

[basil67]

47 minutes ago, Kavey said:

10 years ago when we had another rough patch, I dropped off the face of the planet with NC but I did not let her know or tell her. And after 21 days she cracked and messaged me. and it was the start of us loving each other again. I am scared this time it wont work as she was the one to set this up.

I got distracted by the bolded and missed this.  It sounds like the two of you have a dysfunctional relationship, and perhaps dramas, fights, disregarding each other's needs, anger and breaks and chasing are your 'normal'.  

I've been giving advice based on how a functional and respectful relationship looks.  But this isn't the kind of relationship you have....so it's entirely possible she's playing games waiting for you to chase her.  So if that's your dynamic, feel free to disregard her stated wishes and go chase her.  Perhaps she wants this

[Ganz7]

Sorry to hear about that mate.  Just to gonna throw in my little experience in here for what its worth.  Some of this you may not want to read - just as I felt when I posted over 10 years ago on here - hard truths that at the end of the day are not going to kill you but make you wiser definitely stronger.

 

You looked back on how you were pretty much children when you first met and now your both 30 and 27 - well, that is still pretty young.  I am 61 now and met a young woman who was 24 when I was 39.  We stayed together for nearly 12 years and then she left - cheated on me and found another dude. 

 

The main reasons why she left was: 1. I didn't get round to marrying her - she was set on marriage when I first met her - I could have and should have done it then at least the 12 years would not been wasted - I like to think..  Secondly, her body clock was ticking.  She was pushing 35+ years of age when she left and if a woman wants to have kids there is a finite time to do it - whilst myself, I was happy to chug along doing what we been doing for years before committing to a family - when I did finally want to commit it was too late - she had lost interest with having a family with me.  Blokes always think they got more choices until you hit 60 and then, gulp, no one looks at you anymore. Third and final reason she left me was the biggest surprise of all and I didn't see this coming or indeed had a response was what she said to me the last night she announced she was leaving.  She said: I am not the same person I am now as when I met you - meaning between 24 and 34 she had grown and changed.  I had no answer to this because I knew deep inside what she said was true - when I look back at myself at 30 even compared to being 40 its like looking back a stranger's life.  Yes it still me but its not me anymore if you know what I mean. That is what I think it is.

 

Mate you are still very young and will have loads more opportunities than you can imagine ahead of you.   Follow the advise of NC on here.  She may well come back but don't sweat it.  

Edited January 15 by Ganz7

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Kavey said:

 

I want to make it to clear everyone that in her head she knows if we're over, she'll never see me again. She is under the thought that I will cease to exist if she breaks my heart, there will be no friends, no answer, no coming back and I will not stand to see her date a single another person. This is in an sense an ultimatum that I instilled in her head while we were happy and together. 

Hm.  Something about this troubles me.   

Why were you instilling ultimatums in her head when you were both happy together?

This sounds like manipulation.  Threats.  

You posted that she doesn't have much of a life outside of you,  barely has friends, nothing going on for herself.

I agree that she was wrong to blow off your plans when you had bought tickets, but it really seems clear that this woman is trying to figure out how to have a life.  Finally.

From the bolded above - particularly the "ultimatum"  that you "instilled in her head," I have the impression that you've been fairly invested in her dependence upon you and lack of motivation on her own behalf.   There are other things you mention (like "lashing out") in this thread as well.

Anyway - I guess only time will tell what will happen next.   I do hope that if you do get back together you maintain some awareness that it's in her best interests to grow up and find her independence, even if it makes you uncomfortable.  

Edited January 16 by NuevoYorko

[Kavey]

26 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Hm.  Something about this troubles me.   

Why were you instilling ultimatums in her head when you were both happy together?

This sounds like manipulation.  Threats.  

You posted that she doesn't have much of a life outside of you,  barely has friends, nothing going on for herself.

I agree that she was wrong to blow off your plans when you had bought tickets, but it really seems clear that this woman is trying to figure out how to have a life.  Finally.

From the bolded above - particularly the "ultimatum"  that you "instilled in her head," I have the impression that you've been fairly invested in her dependence upon you and lack of motivation on her own behalf.   There are other things you mention (like "lashing out") in this thread as well.

Anyway - I guess only time will tell what will happen next.   I do hope that if you do get back together you maintain some awareness that it's in her best interests to grow up and find her independence, even if it makes you uncomfortable.  

Because 10 years ago we had a similar problem , although a more childish one. It's not a threat, its the truth. My heart will not forgive her for going to test out 'other waters" and to see if the grass is greener.  I lashed out cause I was frustrated and really upset. And yes barely anything going on for herself, but do you know how many times I told her to foster her other relationships besides me? I always said go hang out with your friends, im sure they miss you, text them. OR always say hey i know you want to start working on your art page, why not work on that?  There has never been a time where I have withheld her from chasing any aspirations , dreams, health or choice. The only thing I feel is valid is asking for is her loyalty and love to the relationship. Had she told me days in advanced that she was planning to hangout with her sister, I would've been supportive and it wouldnt have been a problem. My reaction came from the 3rd time of her flipping plans on me last minute when I already went through the effort of setting the weekend up around her.

I do hope we get back together, I encourage her independence, and I am firm believer that you can keep your independence in a relationship. I workout, have ton of friends, work on creative projects, spend time with her , I literally do it all or least try! I think she can do it too but she chooses not to, and I cant force that.

 

I have cooled off today and decided not to go see her, I was about to, to finally get an answer and read her face and emotions in person. I am heading towards day 5. I will let you guys know how this turns out in 30 days I suppose.

Now my questions is, how should I present myself when she reaches back to me in 30 days. Happy, positive, and light hearted? Angry, sad upset that this happened? 

 

And also how fast should I reach out to her when she gets back to me..dont respond for a day or a few? 

I know demeanor matters, when reconnecting after some time.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Kavey said:

Now my questions is, how should I present myself when she reaches back to me in 30 days. Happy, positive, and light hearted? Angry, sad upset that this happened? 

 

And also how fast should I reach out to her when she gets back to me..dont respond for a day or a few? 

I know demeanor matters, when reconnecting after some time.

What a strange question!  Why would you plan how to act when you don't yet know what she's going to say?

If you take time reaching out to her when she makes contact, it is just another sign of dysfunction and game playing in the relationship

 

 

[Kavey]

Is it really a strange question? There's 2 scenarios, we either work it out or we dont. The point of this is not to let her have all the power and control. There are dynamics, me presenting myself as a wreck paints a different picture, and more of a weak man and also shows how much I've been hurting while she's gone. Me presenting myself as happy and confident, shows I have composure, despite all the pain and shows I am open to working stuff out.

There is no game playing, and I dont think you're really getting the dynamic of our relationship.  We are not playing games type. We had a rough patch once when we are younger, but we are different people know and present issues differently.

[NuevoYorko]

Your post above, again, demonstrates a significant lean towards control in your approach to this relationship.   You ARE talking about game playing when you are planning your demeanor in order to get a specific reaction out of your ex.   Why not just be real.  

If she does reach out to you after 30 days, I think you should completely abandon all plans of controlling the situation by playing any type of a role.  Just ask her how she's doing,   and ask her what conclusions she's come to after this break.   LISTEN to her and take what she says seriously.   If you need time to digest any of it, take that  time.   

I don't think you have any legs to stand on if you want to hold her accountable to you for anything she might have been doing during this break.   If she wants to be with you, and you want to be with her, I suggest that you take it as a clean slate, fresh start type of thing.  

 

Edited January 16 by NuevoYorko