Author Xelmnathar Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 6 hours ago, basil67 said: Yes, there is no law against expressing your feelings. However, it does not mean the other has to listen or work with you, particularly if you've only been together for a short time. I disagree. If someone does these things often enough, it does define them. I agree with you if we're talking about a new problem in a solid, long term relationship. But you were only with her for only four months. This early time is when we figure out if it could become a relationship. In this case, she recognised your behaviours as stuff she doesn't want to deal with. She was smart to walk away. Your expectations of a fledgling relationship are completely unrealistic. You raise valid points. I admit even as recent as December 14th, her telling my brother "when we have kids" and asking me to put a baby in her by month two, had me confused as to whether this was a solid, long term relationship. Intellectually, I understand love-bombing as an attempt to facilitate emotional closeness in a relationship when you are anxious, I, as the older person, should have been wiser. I admit I was lost in the sauce of love drug of the honeymoon phase. Likely, she was too, but came to an understanding and protected herself and her peace before me. As I said earlier, I think that the "smoking gun" for me, should have been her phantom ex, the love-bombing, and the invalidation of my feelings. Of course, I tried to talk to her about these, but she said she meant what she felt and that the guy was non-negotiable (even though I never tried to negotiate with her or ever asked her to change her behavior), but I think deep down she knew it bothered me. At month two, I should have recognized the relationship was unhealthy and walked away. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 11 hours ago, Gebidozo said: @basil67 is right. Your case is about boundaries and decisions, not about jealousy. Jealous behavior is always wrong. And trust me, no love can withstand ongoing jealousy. It’s just a matter of time when the other person is going to feel they cannot take it anymore. But this is not to say that your feeling of discomfort over your ex’s too close relationship with another man were wrong or unjustified. I imagine that I would feel the same way. I’d sit down with her and ask her to tone down that connection to something I’d be able to accept. If she then refuses to even try to do that for me, I’d know that our relationship isn’t as important to her as it is to me, and would break up with her. Jealousy, “territorial” stuff, or whatever past traumas have absolutely nothing to do with it. Of course, she was not in the wrong and not unjustified to fight fiercely for her friend. I just did not feel comfortable asking her to tone this relationship down because it obviously meant a lot to her, I just wanted to try to discuss feelings around emotional cheating and she would shut down the conversation and say that she felt "punished for doing nothing wrong" and then we would end up just talking about her feelings. She felt that her love wasn't good enough to make me not insecure, to which I told her that my insecurities have NOTHING to do with her and everything to do with my trauma. I should be able to express my feelings, but she felt responsible for them and this weighed on her. My understanding is that she had to start to withhold things or did not feel free to do as she pleased later on in the relationship out of fear that I would be jealous in other instances too. This caused her anxiety and I do feel awful that my feelings led to this. In the end my feelings stemmed from this subconscious fear that I wasn't safe in the relationship. Her emotional enmeshment with her phantom ex, my knowledge of her capability to lie to protect herself from others perceptions, her starting to pull away from me (avoidant tendencies) all weighed on me. I was too much in the danger zone or happy to receive whatever breadcrumbs or love she was able to give to see things clearly at the time. In truth, I am not jealous or territorial. I don't feel as if I "own" anyone and I have never sought to control or monitor anyone's behavior. I however can get insecure and triggered if my past trauma is activated, as I do not want it to happen again. This is something that is my responsibility to resolve, however, I do believe in a loving relationship, both partners can work together to address these issues and one could even make compromises for their partner. As @basil67 said, however, expecting this of a 25f who has had her share of trauma and emotional invalidation, in only 4 months was not realistic and unfair to her. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 6 hours ago, basil67 said: @Xelmnathar All that you write about expressing feelings, being heard, working through problems and commitment and "I feel" statements....is this coming from your therapist? If so, are the therapists aware that you're applying this to four months of dating a 25yo? If so, you need a new therapist! Have they ever talked to you about other people having the right to NOT work through your stuff or validate your feelings if they don't want to? Have they talked about how the women you date have the right to walk away without discussion if they don't want to deal with whatever stuff you've got going on? Have they told you that if the person you're dating describes you are a 'jealous person', that they they have a right to hold the view and express it? No, this is coming from my own emotional intelligence, which isn't perfect, but I do have levels of self-awareness. She does understand that the relationship was only 4 months long, and she says that I was being to accommodating and I give people the benefit of the doubt too much. Also that I should not expect people to handle conflict or relationships the same way I do. I try to see people who express feelings like anger, secrecy, or even jealousy as a symptom of pain rather than malice and would not hold it against me unless it was actively being used to hurt me. I would talk to them and see where it is coming from. However, I did not ever call her out on invalidating my feelings or dismissing my own concerns about her saying she wanted to "prioritize herself" or her phantom ex because the conversations quickly turned to her and her feelings. I should have had the self respect to stand up for my feelings the same way she did. As I said to @Gebidozo, I truly am not a jealous person and don't really see myself carrying these traits; if I could go back, I would have rather used the word "insecure", but I think the result would have been the same. Even though she said she loved me, wanted to marry me, shared me with her family, told me to put a baby in her, I believe the result would have been the same and her reaction to my feeling would have not matched by statement. She would have been defensive and dismissive and took my feelings as an attack on her integrity - to which she is absolutely entitled to feel. I just would have liked the opportunity to stand my ground and call her out for invalidating my feelings, told her I wanted an apology and to talk about it, or just left her at that point. I do also see your point, and her point, that these are just too many issues or too big of issues this early in a relationship. Likely, if we never addressed the root cause - our differences in attachment style, that we spend up our relationship way too fast and never took the time to "date" each other, and our incompatibility with what we want out of life at this point, it wouldn't matter. She deemed that it was too much for her and left. I have no ill will to her and still have deep compassion for her. She just wanted to feel safe to be herself, unfortunately, she could not out of fear of triggering me. To which I would say is a bit unfair, because if I just felt emotionally seen or if my needs were validated, likely I never would have ever expressed jealousy as I would have been secure in the relationship. The truth is, I never felt secure, because deep down I knew something was wrong - for various reasons. I don't think my therapist and I need d to have a discussion about other people having the right to walk away, because it is my understanding that if the relationship was hurting my ex, that she should walk away. Not only because she can do as she pleases, but because, I care enough about her to not want to see her in pain. Even though I tried to see if she wanted to talk through it, if she would not give up, that we could be stronger if we worked through this, offered couples counseling (she asked earlier in our relationship that, if we got married, if I would be open to it), asked her to not give up or leave the relationship (when earlier on she offered me the same opportunity to exit due to potential health concerns on her end). I may have tried to change her mind too much, but I wanted to fight for something I thought was salvageable because we have similar goals, values, and purpose in love. I accepted her breakup and have not once asked her to reconsider and have given her space. Thank you all and attention to my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for the objective feedback, although sometimes harsh, it is appreciated. I don't want to make any of my mistakes again in the future. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 3 hours ago, Acacia98 said: @Xelmnathar, There's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable that your girlfriend is maintaining a close relationship with a man she used to sleep with. She doesn't see anything wrong with doing that. You have a problem with it. You know what that means? It means you have different values around the issue of exes and boundaries. You are perfectly justified to bring it up in conversation. If she insists on maintaining that friendship as it is, that's her decision. But it doesn't mean you are wrong and should apologize. It means you two are incompatible and should break up. Incidentally, many of us are like you: we don't maintain close friendships with exes and we would feel uncomfortable if our significant others did that. The whole "close friends with exes" thing would definitely be a deal-breaker for me. I wouldn't even bother bringing it up in discussion. I would simply observe, recognize that I didn't belong, and remove myself from the situation. Now, the problem with continuing to date someone when you are so mismatched in this way is this: her actions will feel like cheating to you. And you will feel disrespected and emotionally neglected. You will definitely feel insecure, and jealousy will follow. (For the purposes of this response, I am giving your ex the benefit of the doubt and assuming she was not actually cheating on you.) There's no positive resolution to this situation. There's no way for you to "win" or pass her tests. The only healthy option you have is to end the relationship. I have a feeling you're too inclined to put other people's feelings before your own and have impossible standards regarding being a man. You are right. I should have recognized this in the first month and told her that we should just remain friends. Just with the love-bombing and grand gestures of live, I was sort of hooked. I was weak at that time and absolutely activated the anxious side of my attachment style. Full disclosure, she told me about this guy before we got involved and I also shared that I have a girl best friend who I had slept with a couple times. However the distinction is that my friend is in a loving relationship and I love her boyfriend; we hangout all together and I would never disrespect his connection with her by telling her I love her, nor would I accept emotional enmeshment from her. I tried to explain this boundary to my ex (maybe trying projecting my own onto her) and she was like "yeah I don't care what you do with her" and basically said she had 0 boundaries regarding it - this was a red flag to me; this former lover/best friend of hers was truly #1 in her heart and she would give me all the freedom in the world as long as I gave her the same to continue her codependency with him. It could also have meant that she was trying to tell me she trusted me deeply and did not ever want to control my behavior, which is okay, but I think that boundaries in a relationship, especially regarding the opposite sex - are important. @basil67 In terms of tests, she would make comments about how people at work were calling her pretty, she would bring up her ex or her sex with her ex multiple times (different guy from her bestfriend/former lover, I don't know if she ever got closure from that breakup), ask me deep questions about my sexual history, go through her photos with me and I would notice shirtless pictures of other guys in there from college (she said they were friends and it was some frat challenge - very suspect), shared that one of her male friends was going to come over drunk and stay up all night with her while she was doing a sleep test (she doesn't drink alcohol). I think 'tests' or 'vetting' can be okay when done with empathy and in real time - however, I got the sense she was using manipulation or intentionally doing things to verify if she could feel safe. This, at a subconscious level, eroded my feelings of emotional security in the relationship. But I never called her out on it, I should have. I will next time I feel like it becomes excessive. I will admit, at one point I did ask her to archive or delete a photo of her and her ex all dress up from her social media as, because we were now in a relationship (a secret one from everyone except our friends and family), I wasn't comfortable with her still having photos with him as it made me feel she was still holding on to him. I would approach this differently next time, however, I don't think it's unreasonable to want/ask your partner to remove any vestiges of their former relationship as they are building a new one; likewise if she still had a photo of them together on her mirror, I would say something about it. Maybe in the future I can ask the significant of the photo and see if she thinks its appropriate to hold on to these things. Call it controlling or paint me as a villain, if you want. Thank you @Acacia98 for the most thoughtful insight I have been given so far. Love isn't something you win (although I did feel like she was trying to compete with me at time). I should have ended it earlier, and, like everyone else in my life knows, I do put other people's feelings before my own. I do not have impossible standards for a man. I think I am allowed to feel vulnerable, share my feelings, and likewise receive the same. As long as my words and feelings aren't of malice - my expectation is to get back the same empathy and understanding I give. However, she was willing to compromise, or felt that she shouldn't have to because "she wasn't doing anything wrong"; and she wasn't. Truthfully, it is not wrong to hold on to a best-friend who is male, who you used to sleep with, who you talk to every day, who you tell I love you, who you take care of emotionally and practically. No matter how good you are to me, however, it does not mean I need to also be in a relationship with them. I felt like I was entering into a relationship with her and her best-friend, not just her. To the point she said he was non-negotiable in her life, she presented it defensively as a "take it or leave it" situation. I, coming from a place of lacking self-respect, took it. I just was so wound up in her words and grand gestures of love and affirmation. She may/may not have cheated physically, but there is emotional cheating. Also, I believe more so that towards the end she started to lie to me to protect her self-image/prevent me from feeling hurt/to avoid potential conflict. This is likely just a response to keep herself safe and I have compassion for this. I just wish she shared how she felt, but she was raised in a house where her feelings were invalidated constantly. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) This sounds like one of those bait and switch schemes. First, she came on heavy and strong and started lovebombing you and then does a 180 and says she’s in charge of her time, yadda yadda. Plus she has a bf (best friend, boyfriend) in the background. Gee, she sounds like a catch! I would’ve told her that we need to take it slow and while the gestures are nice she needs to calm down and take things very slowly. Now if she doesn’t like that then fine, leave. She sounds like a whackjob anyway from what you wrote here. Since she did all of this in 4 months that’s a red flag. Way too intense. I would’ve preferred if she did this in month 12. I would block and delete her out of my life. She doesn’t deserve a goodbye. Edited January 30 by Interstellar Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 8 hours ago, Interstellar said: This sounds like one of those bait and switch schemes. First, she came on heavy and strong and started lovebombing you and then does a 180 and says she’s in charge of her time, yadda yadda. Plus she has a bf (best friend, boyfriend) in the background. Gee, she sounds like a catch! I would’ve told her that we need to take it slow and while the gestures are nice she needs to calm down and take things very slowly. Now if she doesn’t like that then fine, leave. She sounds like a whackjob anyway from what you wrote here. Since she did all of this in 4 months that’s a red flag. Way too intense. I would’ve preferred if she did this in month 12. I would block and delete her out of my life. She doesn’t deserve a goodbye. We are working together from March-May...VERY CLOSELY. I blocked her on social media to protect my peace as I grieve this "relationship" however she will be in the classroom RIGHT next to mine as a long-term sub. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 If anyone is still reading or wants to chime in, or has been following this story for shits and giggles. Please learn from my mistakes: One of my biggest regrets...believing her and falling for the charm and "perfect girlfriend" thing she did. I honestly don't even really know her like that even though she shared so much of her life with me. It takes time to know someone. DON'T RUSH INTO LOVE. STOP TO ASK QUESTIONS AND GET CLARIFICATION. DON'T JUST GO ON FEELINGS ALONE. PLEASE READ THE BOOK "ATTACHED". I wish I had the tools I do now and more effectively communicate my needs and boundaries. I wish I didn't let her gaslight me or invalidate my feelings and just walked away earlier when she invalidated or ignored my feelings multiple times. It feels like ultimately, my needs for closeness were diametrically opposed to her needs for freedom and space to do her own thing. She just didn't know how to express that need of hers and just continued to find reasons to create distance between us. Likely, she would do better with a partner who knows what I know now and would be okay with naturally giving her the space she needs to do her own thing. I just didn't have the tools that I do now to understand this; I would have been more than content to give her that space as long as she made some effort to ensure that we were emotionally connected, however, each time she made space for herself, it felt like rejection. I know this, now, but it is over. it feels like a true tragedy. Truthfully, she likely did feel those things for me, but when she realized that she was signing up for a real commitment, she realized it would compromise true independence (which can exist in a committed relationship, but at the time I was unaware of how to guide us through this issue). We simply went too fast and never got a chance to actually "date" each other. We rushed into this idea of lifelong commitment - that our love was "something that statues are built for". I never asked for that, but absolutely indulged the idea. I think because of my age, she thought it was what I wanted to hear and she is a big people pleaser and wanted to make me happy. She even told my brother, unprompted, right before Christmas about our plans for "when we have kids"!!!! That was month 4! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Achelois Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 On 1/29/2025 at 3:41 AM, Xelmnathar said: Thank you. It is just so hard for me to reconcile this mistake of mine. I don't know if I can live with myself. It’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. It sounds to me like she was looking for any excuse. She wasn’t nice. If she really loved you she could have asked you nicely to trust her, so even if you hadn’t told her about you feeling, she was going to find another reason to leave unfortunately. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 42 minutes ago, Achelois said: It’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. It sounds to me like she was looking for any excuse. She wasn’t nice. If she really loved you she could have asked you nicely to trust her, so even if you hadn’t told her about you feeling, she was going to find another reason to leave unfortunately. She did ask me profusely to trust her. I did trust her. I never exhibited any controlling behaviors. However, even though we moved passed the conversations regarding her male best friend, she held on to the hurt and began to distrust me that I could be secure. Through therapy, I understand that my issue was a lack of emotional validation that she was either unwilling or unable to provide. Thank you for your support. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Achelois Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 2 hours ago, Xelmnathar said: I wish I didn't let her gaslight me or invalidate my feelings and just walked away earlier when she invalidated or ignored my feelings multiple times. I’m glad you realised that. It’s normal to feel the way you felt. It was nice from you to express your feelings and so horrible from her to respond like she did. I have unreasonable jealousy, my partner should have left me long time ago, but he’s so patient and supportive, I’m trying to change for him. Your jealous are normal, believe me. I hope you can find a wonderful woman who appreciates you and loves you so much. Edited January 30 by Achelois Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 (edited) 2 hours ago, Achelois said: I’m glad you realised that. It’s normal to feel the way you felt. It was nice from you to express your feelings and so horrible from her to respond like she did. I have unreasonable jealousy, my partner should have left me long time ago, but he’s so patient and supportive, I’m trying to change for him. Your jealous are normal, believe me. I hope you can find a wonderful woman who appreciates you and loves you so much. I understand. Thank you so much for this. I didn't think her reaction matched what I said either. She likely felt that she was losing her freedom, or she genuinely realized she didn't want to be with me. I think she thinks she can do better. Who knows, maybe she can. I know that I am a catch and would make an excellent partner for someone who is able to meet me halfway. Edited January 30 by Xelmnathar Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 2 hours ago, Xelmnathar said: I know that I am a catch and would make an excellent partner for someone who is able to meet me halfway. You, me and everyone else are only great catches or excellent partners for someone who agrees we are a good catch Someone shares our way of thinking. And where tinkering needs only to be done around the edges. But we are not a catch for those who don't share our view of life or agree how relationships will work. On meeting half way....in the case of this relationship, the halfway point was way too far between you both to be bridged and it was foolish to think otherwise. You were not a good catch for her, and she was not a good catch for you. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 20 hours ago, basil67 said: You, me and everyone else are only great catches or excellent partners for someone who agrees we are a good catch Someone shares our way of thinking. And where tinkering needs only to be done around the edges. But we are not a catch for those who don't share our view of life or agree how relationships will work. On meeting half way....in the case of this relationship, the halfway point was way too far between you both to be bridged and it was foolish to think otherwise. You were not a good catch for her, and she was not a good catch for you. I am starting to believe you. Seeing things more objectively, we were incompatible. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 Kindly, do you think that not knowing when to walk away is related to the past trauma you speak of? Do you have a history of trying to make unworkable things work? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 You need to accept this relationship is over. You were right to feel what you feel (I wouldn't feel comfortable if my partner wanted to spend a lot of solo time with someone of the opposite sex). But she is also right to want she needs (she seems to have a need to control the situation or have her guy friends in her life -- that's always going to be some conflicts in her future relationships, but that's her choice). Neither of you are wrong, this is a open and shut case of two people wanting very different things and you're just incompatible together. My advice - relationship is over. If you must work together, work together (and in that capacity only). Don't bring up old feelings or explain what happen - it will make your work environment uncomfortable. It is neither the right place or time. If you feel guilt or need to break it down the areas where you feel like you could improve on, work with a therapist. From the high level objective view, you're not wrong to feel what you feel. She's not wrong for wanting what she needs, and it's not you. And that's ok. When you meet the right person for you, everything just falls into place (not that there are no issues/conflicts, but you'd both invested to work it out together). She's not it for you, and you're not it for her. Work on moving on instead. Good luck. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted February 3 Author Share Posted February 3 On 1/31/2025 at 3:01 PM, basil67 said: Kindly, do you think that not knowing when to walk away is related to the past trauma you speak of? Do you have a history of trying to make unworkable things work? Thank you for asking kindly. I think I was coming from a place of truly believing it would work. That her words about having kids were real, that the love bombing was actual love. I think my main thing to take away is that I felt emotionally unsafe and that manifested in an insecurity that I would go and express. I didn't have the tools to directly understand this or directly express this and so it may have pushed her away. I don't have a history of trying to make unworkable things work; however, I have a history of not stating my needs and standing by my feelings - for instance, if I was upset and expressed it, I will immediately apologize and find reasons to explain why I shouldn't be instead of validating my own feelings; I seek emotional validation and that is something I need inside of myself. I should be able to rely on a partner for this as well, but she took my insecure comments as an attack rather than an opportunity to bridge understanding and get closer. I also have a history of shaving away at myself to accommodate others, because most things don't matter to me. I know what to do, now. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted February 3 Author Share Posted February 3 On 2/1/2025 at 1:18 PM, spiritedaway2003 said: You need to accept this relationship is over. You were right to feel what you feel (I wouldn't feel comfortable if my partner wanted to spend a lot of solo time with someone of the opposite sex). But she is also right to want she needs (she seems to have a need to control the situation or have her guy friends in her life -- that's always going to be some conflicts in her future relationships, but that's her choice). Neither of you are wrong, this is a open and shut case of two people wanting very different things and you're just incompatible together. My advice - relationship is over. If you must work together, work together (and in that capacity only). Don't bring up old feelings or explain what happen - it will make your work environment uncomfortable. It is neither the right place or time. If you feel guilt or need to break it down the areas where you feel like you could improve on, work with a therapist. From the high level objective view, you're not wrong to feel what you feel. She's not wrong for wanting what she needs, and it's not you. And that's ok. When you meet the right person for you, everything just falls into place (not that there are no issues/conflicts, but you'd both invested to work it out together). She's not it for you, and you're not it for her. Work on moving on instead. Good luck. I am close to this acceptance. We both had a right to feel how we felt. I think I was just ready for a committed relationship where we met each other halfway and she was not. She needed things to be on her terms and would only meet me halfway when it was convenient to her. I am a consummate professional and value our professional relationship. I do not want her to feel alienated or ostracized when she works with me again. I just deeply wish her words about having kids (not during sex) and the commitment she said she had were true. They were true for me and I was willing to compromise and talk to make things work - to do the work of being in a relationship and not just enjoy the benefits. For her, the work of a relationship was too much or too triggering. This is entirely valid and she doesn't need to be in a relationship where she feels like no matter what she does, I will feel jealous/insecure about her prioritizing herself and others over me. She knew it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with my trauma being triggered. Either way, it is over and I will move and with more self-awareness and the tools to effectively communicate in the future. She will meet someone who triggers her less. I just wish I could have been stronger, or that person for her. She really did show me a lot of love and affection and what kills me is that it wasn't enough for me to feel secure. Her relationship with her male friend, her invalidation of my feelings, putting our relationship on the back burner wasn't okay, but I was willing to work through those things. She was not willing to work through my issues. This is okay and she is not obligated to do these things. Thank you for reading and any response or constructive advice for the future. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 (edited) 8 hours ago, Xelmnathar said: For her, the work of a relationship was too much or too triggering. You didn't have a relationship!!! She was just a girlfriend of four months who quite understandably walked away when it became clear that your 'seeking validation' was a thinly veiled attempt at having her change. Here are my views for the future: 1. Please reassure me that you don't use therapy speak outside of LoveShack or your therapist's room. Unless a woman has also undergone a shitload of therapy a likes to speak like a therapist, I guarantee it will send her running in the other direction. 2. Discuss with your therapist: a. your idea that someone who knows you for only a few months should be working to meet you half way on large differences of opinion related to behaviour b. more broadly, the difference between a new girlfriend and a long term partner and what to expect in terms of working together on an issue c. the need to keep repeating the same feelings and seeking validation when you know nothing is going to change d. knowing when to end a relationship. In this case, you are fortunate that she was able to do it on your behalf. Edited Monday at 09:32 PM by basil67 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted Monday at 10:28 PM Author Share Posted Monday at 10:28 PM Just now, basil67 said: You didn't have a relationship!!! She was just a girlfriend of four months who quite understandably walked away when it became clear that your 'seeking validation' was a thinly veiled attempt at having her change. Here are my views for the future: 1. Please reassure me that you don't use therapy speak outside of LoveShack or your therapist's room. Unless a woman has also undergone a shitload of therapy a likes to speak like a therapist, I guarantee it will send her running in the other direction. 2. Discuss with your therapist: a. your idea that someone who knows you for only a few months should be working to meet you half way on large differences of opinion related to behaviour b. more broadly, the difference between a new girlfriend and a long term partner and what to expect in terms of working together on an issue c. the need to keep repeating the same feelings and seeking validation when you know nothing is going to change d. knowing when to end a relationship. In this case, you are fortunate that she was able to do it on your behalf. Well, what do you define as a relationship? believe we did have one due to the level of intimacy shared, talks of the future, meeting each others family. Although she love bombed me and trauma bombed me, I do believe what we had was a relationship. My understanding is that when you are in one, you make considerations as to how your behavior impacts that person and she was unwilling to do this as it would lower her independence. We were just incompatible at this time as I believe if you wan't something to work, you make those small changes. I never asked nor would want her to make major changes to who she is a person. 1. I assure you. 2. I will discuss these things, however some clarification. a. This goes both ways and I don't see where I asked her to meet me halfway on her behavior. I only wanted my feelings to be validated so that we could move on; she never offered this. b. If you are going to tell my brother "when we have kids", while stone cold sober, tell me you talked to your doctor about your health regarding kids, tell me to "make me mom" - I am going to assume we are long term partners; unless she was lying about her intentions. c. I only used the words "I feel jealous" one time in the relationship. I did try to express concerns or try to have conversations about her boundaries with her male best friend on numerous occasions but was shut down each time (I should have walked away then). She is emotionally enmeshed with this person far past healthy levels, regardless of their gender. However, I realized it is not my responsibility to worry about this and left it alone and did not want to discuss it anymore. d. I will discuss this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted Monday at 10:57 PM Share Posted Monday at 10:57 PM 15 minutes ago, Xelmnathar said: a. This goes both ways and I don't see where I asked her to meet me halfway on her behavior. I only wanted my feelings to be validated so that we could move on; she never offered this. Move on to what? 15 minutes ago, Xelmnathar said: b. If you are going to tell my brother "when we have kids", while stone cold sober, tell me you talked to your doctor about your health regarding kids, tell me to "make me mom" - I am going to assume we are long term partners; unless she was lying about her intentions. This is nutty behaviour on her part and would send any sensible man running in the other direction. That you you didn't see this as a red flag is something else you need to discuss with your therapist 15 minutes ago, Xelmnathar said: c. I only used the words "I feel jealous" one time in the relationship. I did try to express concerns or try to have conversations about her boundaries with her male best friend on numerous occasions but was shut down each time (I should have walked away then). She is emotionally enmeshed with this person far past healthy levels, regardless of their gender. However, I realized it is not my responsibility to worry about this and left it alone and did not want to discuss it anymore. I have ruled out the irrelevant parts. Yes, you should have walked away, but go talk with your therapist about why you chose to stay after she shut you down the first time Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted Monday at 11:10 PM Share Posted Monday at 11:10 PM I wanted to add: most of your experience here happened because you lacked boundaries. To be clear, boundaries are not things which get discussed and negotiated and met half way - a boundary is a dealbreaker. When she was messing about with this guy you tell her ONCE that you are not OK with it. If she says "OMG, I'm so sorry - I didn't consider this from your POV. I won't do it again" then you continue forward. But if she doesn't say this, then you enforce your boundary and end it immediately 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted Monday at 11:26 PM Share Posted Monday at 11:26 PM On 1/28/2025 at 9:41 AM, Xelmnathar said: Thank you. It is just so hard for me to reconcile this mistake of mine. I don't know if I can live with myself. You didn’t make a mistake. The only mistake is pining after someone who didn’t care about you and the way their actions were hurting you. she is cold and displays qualities of an unfit partner! be glad you dodged a bullet! she never considered you at any point in that 4 month debacle! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted Monday at 11:27 PM Share Posted Monday at 11:27 PM Just now, S2B said: You didn’t make a mistake. The only mistake is pining after someone who didn’t care about you and the way their actions were hurting you. she is cold and displays qualities of an unfit partner! be glad you dodged a bullet! she never considered you at any point in that 4 month debacle! This ^ And instead of discussing your feelings, you should have left her 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted Tuesday at 12:33 AM Author Share Posted Tuesday at 12:33 AM 1 hour ago, basil67 said: I wanted to add: most of your experience here happened because you lacked boundaries. To be clear, boundaries are not things which get discussed and negotiated and met half way - a boundary is a dealbreaker. When she was messing about with this guy you tell her ONCE that you are not OK with it. If she says "OMG, I'm so sorry - I didn't consider this from your POV. I won't do it again" then you continue forward. But if she doesn't say this, then you enforce your boundary and end it immediately I wanted to be accommodating to her as this guy relies on her as a support system and she swore she wasn’t “doing anything wrong”. She used to sleep with him but he lives in a different state. I wasn’t comfortable with it, but I can’t realistically expect her to cut out someone so important to her life. We never got a place where she explained her boundaries with him, because she got dismissive and defensive about . i understand what boundaries are. and I am working on why I decided to stay even though I felt unsafe. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted Tuesday at 12:35 AM Author Share Posted Tuesday at 12:35 AM 1 hour ago, S2B said: You didn’t make a mistake. The only mistake is pining after someone who didn’t care about you and the way their actions were hurting you. she is cold and displays qualities of an unfit partner! be glad you dodged a bullet! she never considered you at any point in that 4 month debacle! I know everyone tells me I dodged a bullet. From her perspective though, she feels like she dodged a bullet. I am trying to work and understand it wasn’t all my fault because I keep getting back to this statement. If I was more secure and trusting, we would have stayed together and my hope is that through time we would done better. However, this is all contingent on the fact that she was willing to do the work of the relationship. My friends tell me “she wanted her cake and wanted to eat it too”. She really did show me an huge amount of love and I did return it in kind. I have to recognize there is someone better for me out there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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