Irreconcilable Differences

[Xelmnathar]

Hello all, I hope you are doing well.

I (34) dated this women (25) for 4 months and its the first real relationship I had in about 12 years. We met at work and she immediately started oversharing, and love bombing me. Making grand gestures, introducing me to her family, telling me she loved me. We talked about having kids, marriage, plans for the future. I fell for it and opened my heart. What I didn't know is that I require a certain amount of emotional validation that I didn't know I needed. 

When she went to work at a different place, I started seeing her less and less. She started packing her schedule with things other than time together and I felt her pull away. She started saying how she wanted to travel abroad and live their for a couple years. I said I would make it work. She said she was the CEO of her time and would not compromise on how often she could see me.

She had a male best-friend that she used to sleep with and I tried my best to feel comfortable with it, however I expressed that I felt jealous. I think I used the wrong word, because I am not jealous of their connection, but that it made me uncomfortable. I would make infrequent jealous remarks. I really believe it all stemmed from this thought in the back of my head that I was not a priority for her.  It all came to ahead NYE when she told me she was spending it alone with another male childhood bestfriend. I told her I felt jealous (rather than using the word uncomfortable). She said that these male friends of hers are non-negotiables and didn't want to hear my side of it. I expressed that it wasn't her actions that caused these feelings, but they were trauma responses from previous betrayals. 

She told me she will continue to work with and make friends with anyone she wants, and its her right. I told her I would seek help and work towards getting better. But with the precedent I set, she couldn't see me in any other light than hurt. She couldn't reconcile that she would have to think twice before doing something and that it would potentially hurt me. She didn't want to communicate. Talk it through. Nothing. She said she needed to do this for herself.

She said she had to prioritize her happiness first and I totally understand. I am not angry at her. She isn't a bad person. I just hate myself for ruining this relationship. I am not putting her on a pedestal, but I feel like I ruined a chance that God gave for me to be with someone. 

I'm just lost. I'm doing NC and its doing well. I muted her on social media because we will be working together again in March and she still checks my story. I refuse to look at hers. I just needed some time to figure out my trauma and why I kept feeling insecure with her. I think my heart just knew deep down it wouldn't work and that she wasn't in love with me, but that she just loved me.

I wanted her to choose us, but she chose herself. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Xelmnathar said:

I told her I would seek help and work towards getting better.

This has been a difficult time for you, but consider it a learning experience..... but not on the way you think.   The help you should seek is in finding your boundaries and maintaining them.   I'm a woman and I'll tell you straight up that she's a selfish cow and no man in his right mind would have continued dating her after she showed her true colours

Be glad she's out of your romantic life

Edited January 10 by basil67

[Xelmnathar]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

This has been a difficult time for you, but consider it a learning experience..... but not on the way you think.   The help you should seek is in finding your boundaries and maintaining them.   I'm a woman and I'll tell you straight up that she's a selfish cow and no man in his right mind would have continued dating her after she showed her true colours

Be glad she's out of your romantic life

Thank you for your words. 
 

There was an extremely empathetic side to her. She gave me extreme thoughtful gifts. Gathered my friends for my birthday. And wanted what was best for me in my life. She said she understood that I needed someone different.

She is a teacher like I am. She could not reconcile that who she is and what she wants would hurt me. I am not trying to defend her. I am just trying to share that there is a different side to her.

She just at some point decided that I was less important to her than she was to herself. No my emotional needs were not being met, this is true. However, she is not an inherently selfish person. I just think she is self-centered.

I think she likes the idea of herself in love more than actually being in love. Which she did say she was in love with me. 

[Gebidozo]

There was absolutely nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings of discomfort.

Her refusal to even listen to you and her subsequent breakup means just one thing, that she is selfish and insensitive.

Add to this her love-bombing and crazy early marriage with kids talk, which are big red flags, and you can safely say “good riddance”.

Please don’t be sad that you aren’t with her any longer, you can do better. Use this time alone to become stronger and more respectful or yourself, learn to recognize your boundaries.

 

Edited January 11 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Xelmnathar said:

Thank you for your words. 
 

There was an extremely empathetic side to her. She gave me extreme thoughtful gifts. Gathered my friends for my birthday. And wanted what was best for me in my life. She said she understood that I needed someone different.

She is a teacher like I am. She could not reconcile that who she is and what she wants would hurt me. I am not trying to defend her. I am just trying to share that there is a different side to her.

She just at some point decided that I was less important to her than she was to herself. No my emotional needs were not being met, this is true. However, she is not an inherently selfish person. I just think she is self-centered.

I think she likes the idea of herself in love more than actually being in love. Which she did say she was in love with me. 

Very few people are 100% bad.  Even abusers can be good at times and this is often what makes the choice to leave difficult.