All of a sudden I am in a relationship, i'm scared and anxious, and not sure what to do next?

[basil67]

I'm sure you would have empathy for people who don't wear you down with their complaints.  And for people who are going through really significant issues.

It's good that you've reached the "I really don't want to deal with people like my girlfriend anymore" point.  It means you should end it with her.  But don't string her along - be prompt.  And if she asks you why, be honest:  I wanted to be there for you, but I can't deal with the amount of time you're either crying or complaining and your selfish behaviour (hunting for dessert instead of helping you find a toilet)  Lucky for you that she's long distance, so you can do this over the phone.   She will likely cry again, but don't stick around to try and console her....just tell her there's nothing you can do to help her, so you are wishing her farewell.  And hang up.

With the rest of those around you, do some Googling of how to deal with chronic complainers.  Something like this https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-People-Who-Always-Complain#:~:text=Instead of stating%2C "I',are such an awful complainer!" could be helpful

 

 

Edited January 11 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

life is too short for this negativity? Does that mean i don't have empathy anymore? 

Every person’s empathic resources have limits. You’ve been repeatedly pushed there by chronic complainers, and now they’ve finally succeeded at driving you overboard. You will have empathy again when people stop squeezing it out of you like vampires thirsty for human blood.

Chronic complaint syndrome is a real thing. It’s one of the most harmful, destructive forces that we can potentially unleash on ourselves and on our fellow human beings. Constantly consoling chronic complainers is like feeding drugs to addicts: it will make them feel better for a while, but then their appetite will grow, they’ll be longing for a fix, and, knowing that you can always provide it for no cost, they’ll leech onto you harder than before.

Edited January 11 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

@firstrelationship10 make sure to get away before it gets too much.   I'm in my mid 50's and could count on my fingers the number of times I've lost my s*** at people.  But a least four of those was aimed at people who complain to much.  I am at fault for three of them because I didn't remove myself from their company before it got too much for me.  The other one, I blame my husband because he knew how much I disliked his mate's wife but insisted on inviting them to dinner anyway, then  insisted I be in attendance when I said I'd go stay with my sister for the night  

Don't be me

Edited January 11 by basil67

[firstrelationship10]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

@firstrelationship10 make sure to get away before it gets too much.   I'm in my mid 50's and could count on my fingers the number of times I've lost my s*** at people.  But a least four of those was aimed at people who complain to much.  I am at fault for three of them because I didn't remove myself from their company before it got too much for me.  The other one, I blame my husband because he knew how much I disliked his mate's wife but insisted on inviting them to dinner anyway, then  insisted I be in attendance when I said I'd go stay with my sister for the night  

Don't be me

It's funny you say this because today I lost my cool.

Well no didn't lose my cool, but i stood up for mysellf.

She started texting my whilst I was at the gym (She knew i was at the gym) about the same issue that she had called me earlier today about. It was about how her mother was arguing with her and she was crying.

I sent her MULTIPLE supportive messages, telling her things will be ok, and i'm sending her hugs and kisses. She responded "thanks" and messaged her, saying I'll call her after the gym.

She then texts me saying she is annoyed and upset at me because i was "dismissive" in my responses , this time i stood up for myself.

I told her I could not respond properly because I was at the gym, I told her How i sent her several messages which clearly shows i was not dismissive AND EVEN offered to call her after I was done whcih i think is completely fair and reasonable and expressed how I am genuinely offended that she feels that i was "dismissive" towards her and i did not apologise.

And you know what? I actually feel great.

[basil67]

@firstrelationship10 Yes, it does feel great!   Good job

Keep this up and you won't have to dump her because she'll beat you to the punch...and then you're off the hook 

Edit to add: it's not usually good form to act in a way which will end up in the other dumping you, but if they are prone to drama it's far easier if they think the end of the relationship is their own choice

Edited January 11 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

16 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I guess all my life i've just learnt to always listen and accommodate to people like this, emphasize, comfort, reassure. Ha, I'm like a therapist but don't get paid.

Have you ever heard the term people-pleaser?  This is your problem.  You are making yourself a doormat, accommodating everyone at your own expense.  These people see you as an easy target for their BS because you put up with it, time and time again.  You spend so much of your own time listening to these people and their BS, when you're not getting anything out of it but frustration.  It's time for you to learn that you are under no obligation to do that.

I'm wondering why you haven't broken up with your gf yet.  What are you waiting for?

[firstrelationship10]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Have you ever heard the term people-pleaser?  This is your problem.  You are making yourself a doormat, accommodating everyone at your own expense.  These people see you as an easy target for their BS because you put up with it, time and time again.  You spend so much of your own time listening to these people and their BS, when you're not getting anything out of it but frustration.  It's time for you to learn that you are under no obligation to do that.

I'm wondering why you haven't broken up with your gf yet.  What are you waiting for?

 

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

@firstrelationship10 Yes, it does feel great!   Good job

Keep this up and you won't have to dump her because she'll beat you to the punch...and then you're off the hook 

Edit to add: it's not usually good form to act in a way which will end up in the other dumping you, but if they are prone to drama it's far easier if they think the end of the relationship is their own choice

 

I still find it hard to break up with her, i guess i'm trying to rationalize things i know deep down she's a good person and it's just hard for me to let go of that because i feel it's rare to find these days

When we were arguing yesterday she was saying that if the roles were reversed and she was at the gym and i was texting her saying i was crying over a argument with my mum that she would of pretty much dropped her workout and made sure i was ok, 

See that's the problem and that's why it's hard for me to let go, she loves me and will drop anything for me and i appreciate that, but it causes conflicting because that's not  really reality? I wouldn't even expect her to drop everything for me if she was busy. 

 I guess she still has a teenage/pure like relationship mind set? Maybe that sounds mean but i think that causes us a lot of friction, even though im not that experienced myself, i still try and act mature and objective about things and understand that i can't solely rely on my partner to regulate myself/make me happy etc

Does that make sense? It never seems like she's ill-intended / manipulative or anything, she just has massive expectations of me it feels because she would do the same for me/but i feel those expectations aren't really those of a mature adult

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I still find it hard to break up with her, i guess i'm trying to rationalize things i know deep down she's a good person and it's just hard for me to let go of that because i feel it's rare to find these days

 I guess she still has a teenage/pure like relationship mind set? Maybe that sounds mean but i think that causes us a lot of friction, even though im not that experienced myself, i still try and act mature and objective about things and understand that i can't solely rely on my partner to regulate myself/make me happy etc

The problem is your mindset and excuse making   

There are a great many good people in the world, and also in your community.  It's strange that you think otherwise

And having been a teenager and having raised teens to adulthood, this endless sobbing to a boyfriend is the kind of behaviour which would NOT be seen in any functional teenager.  And if a teenage girl did do this, any teenage boy who tolerated this behaviour would be a fool.   

I don't know what you mean by "pure" mindset.  One can be innocent in relationships, but still a functional human being

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I still find it hard to break up with her, i guess i'm trying to rationalize things i know deep down she's a good person and it's just hard for me to let go of that because i feel it's rare to find these days

You don’t stay with your partner only because they are good, you stay because you love them and your relationship is great. She might be a good person but she isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship.

 

1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said:

When we were arguing yesterday she was saying that if the roles were reversed and she was at the gym and i was texting her saying i was crying over a argument with my mum that she would of pretty much dropped her workout and made sure i was ok, 

 

“If the roles were reversed, I would have…” is textbook manipulation and emotional pressure tactic. Don’t you see how selfish it is of her to demand from you to drop everything and console her? This is the behavior of a little spoiled kid.

 

1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I guess she still has a teenage/pure like relationship mind set?

Teenage yes, but why “pure”? She has self-centered, infantile ideas about how a relationship should be. She isn’t ready to be in a mature relationship.

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I still find it hard to break up with her, i guess i'm trying to rationalize things i know deep down she's a good person and it's just hard for me to let go of that because i feel it's rare to find these days

This relationship has so many problems and so much dysfunction, it's really unbelievable that you're rationalizing staying in it.  Whenever this relationship does blow up, which it will, you need to really go to some therapy and work on your dysfunctional tendencies before you date again, or you will just repeat these patterns.

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

 

When we were arguing yesterday she was saying that if the roles were reversed and she was at the gym and i was texting her saying i was crying over a argument with my mum that she would of pretty much dropped her workout and made sure i was ok, 

See that's the problem and that's why it's hard for me to let go, she loves me and will drop anything for me and i appreciate that, but it causes conflicting because that's not  really reality? I wouldn't even expect her to drop everything for me if she was busy. 

She is essentially a child. And while we tend to think of children as being sweet and innocent, I think most of us can agree that we wouldn't want to be tied to a child-like partner for life.

Also, you're not being honest when you say she would drop anything for you. On the day when you were in distress and needed to use the bathroom, she did not drop her silly obsession with dessert to make sure you were okay. You were unwell and she did not care.

Your characterization of this woman is not accurate. She isn't the perpetually sweet, loving, self-sacrificing angel you see her as.

I very strongly suspect that if you were to keep a diary of your interactions with her and share it with us, we would unearth many more instances of her selfishness and her dismissal of your feelings. And in every single case, you would probably be the first to defend her and say she meant well because she would have been acting like a child.

Edited January 12 by Acacia98

[firstrelationship10]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

She is essentially a child. And while we tend to think of children as being sweet and innocent, I think most of us can agree that we wouldn't want to be tied to a child-like partner for life.

Also, you're not being honest when you say she would drop anything for you. On the day when you were in distress and needed to use the bathroom, she did not drop her silly obsession with dessert to make sure you were okay. You were unwell and she did not care.

Your characterization of this woman is not accurate. She isn't the perpetually sweet, loving, self-sacrificing angel you see her as.

I very strongly suspect that if you were to keep a diary of your interactions with her and share it with us, we would unearth many more instances of her selfishness and her dismissal of your feelings. And in every single case, you would probably be the first to defend her and say she meant well because she would have been acting like a child.

 

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

This relationship has so many problems and so much dysfunction, it's really unbelievable that you're rationalizing staying in it.  Whenever this relationship does blow up, which it will, you need to really go to some therapy and work on your dysfunctional tendencies before you date again, or you will just repeat these patterns.

 

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You don’t stay with your partner only because they are good, you stay because you love them and your relationship is great. She might be a good person but she isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship.

 

“If the roles were reversed, I would have…” is textbook manipulation and emotional pressure tactic. Don’t you see how selfish it is of her to demand from you to drop everything and console her? This is the behavior of a little spoiled kid.

 

Teenage yes, but why “pure”? She has self-centered, infantile ideas about how a relationship should be. She isn’t ready to be in a mature relationship.

 

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

The problem is your mindset and excuse making   

There are a great many good people in the world, and also in your community.  It's strange that you think otherwise

And having been a teenager and having raised teens to adulthood, this endless sobbing to a boyfriend is the kind of behaviour which would NOT be seen in any functional teenager.  And if a teenage girl did do this, any teenage boy who tolerated this behaviour would be a fool.   

I don't know what you mean by "pure" mindset.  One can be innocent in relationships, but still a functional human being

 

Thanks again everyone.

It's really eye opening to me and I really appreciate the advice i'm receiving. I don't really have anyone to talk about this in real life.

It's funny because I actually would often think to myself that she IS SELFISH but then would also think about how she would always offer to pay for things for me, would buy me gifts, works in a job that practically involves saving people so I would talk myself out of it and tell myself to appreciate her.

But it is true - She is selfish when she is emotionally 'heightened' it seems when she's upset or perceived to be upset, nothing else matters expect herself and her feelings. There's been multiple times i've felt like nights have been ruined etc because she was upset and she just completely ignores how I feel or what i'm going through e.g. that time i nearly s*** my pants 

Anyway - I think i should break up with her - but another problem is that she has told me so many times how I'm the only one who listens to her, who has treated her this nicely,  how no one else seems to care for her, she has a hard time opening up, I'm practically her world, her "safety". It's true sometimes she acts and talks very child like, I feel like i need to take care of her, it's like shes a helpless child with her emotions. (I know i need to work on myself to not get in this dynamic) But i am worried for her, to leave someone that i seem to mean so much to?

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

She is selfish when she is emotionally 'heightened' it seems when she's upset or perceived to be upset, nothing else matters expect herself and her feelings.

I don't know about this.

I think it's more about being extraordinarily emotionally fragile, possibly with a mental health disorder.   Either that, or she's an attention seeker extraordinaire....which would probably also get a diagnosis 

Edited January 12 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Anyway - I think i should break up with her - but another problem is that she has told me so many times how I'm the only one who listens to her, who has treated her this nicely,  how no one else seems to care for her, she has a hard time opening up, I'm practically her world, her "safety". It's true sometimes she acts and talks very child like, I feel like i need to take care of her, it's like shes a helpless child with her emotions. (I know i need to work on myself to not get in this dynamic) But i am worried for her, to leave someone that i seem to mean so much to?

Oh my goodness.  This is NOT a good reason to stay with someone!  You have said it out loud now..... that you think you should break up with her.  It is NOT your job to listen to her, "take care" of her, be her safety net.... if you know that you don't want to be in this relationship.  That is absolutely ridiculous.

She is an adult and she is going to have to deal with her own issues and live like an adult.  It's not normal to let someone manipulate you into thinking that you have to stay with them, even though you're unhappy in the relationship and want to break up, just because they "depend" on you.  If she has put herself in the position of a "helpless child", then maybe you breaking up with her will be the kick in the a** she needs to grow up.  It's not your job to coddle her and enable her to continue living like a "helpless child".  I don't know how you put up with this.

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

she has told me so many times how I'm the only one who listens to her, who has treated her this nicely,  how no one else seems to care for her, she has a hard time opening up, I'm practically her world, her "safety".

Another classic, textbook example of emotional pressure stemming out of immature, selfish neediness. Clingy, self-centered people always tell you that everyone else has been terrible to them, that without you, they wouldn’t survive, and so on. Why? Because this generates a sense of unhealthy responsibility in the other person, and with it comes guilt, which makes it harder to break off things. You are now in that “guilt trap” because she has driven you there.

[basil67]

19 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

but another problem is that she has told me so many times how I'm the only one who listens to her, who has treated her this nicely,  how no one else seems to care for her, she has a hard time opening up, I'm practically her world, her "safety". It's true sometimes she acts and talks very child like, I feel like i need to take care of her, it's like shes a helpless child with her emotions.

You do realise that the reason she feels this way is because nobody else tolerates her behaviour?   They've probably all told her that these bouts of tears and sobbing over tiny things are ridiculous and then she plays the role of misunderstood victim

[firstrelationship10]

Hey all

been a few days

 

Thanks again everyone

 

The truth is, i'm a coward. I'm too scared to break up with her and be alone. We are already making plans to see each other agian and she's going to come to family events with me. God i suck. i've never broken up with a girl in my life im too scared/feel to bad for her.

[Els]

On 1/5/2025 at 8:52 PM, firstrelationship10 said:

I guess I just don't feel strongly enough about her, but part of me also wonders if the problem is with me—that maybe I'm chasing some unrealistic fantasy of perfection that doesn't exist.

It's possible. Most people who have their first LTR in their 30s tend to have built up a rigid list of "requirements" (or fantasies) that isn't necessarily relevant to the realities of being in a relationship with a real person. It's also common for people to not really know what they want in a relationship at first, and to take a few relationships to figure it out.

In your case, if you've been together for 2 years and you have NEVER felt strong feelings for her, there's no point in taking this any further. It's not going to get better for the two of you, especially when one of you has to relocate for the other person, and all the ensuing stress that results from that.

I think you should break up with her kindly, but also spend some time doing introspection and asking yourself what you really need and want in a relationship. Preferably with the help of a therapist, if possible.

Edited January 15 by Els

[basil67]

11 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

The truth is, i'm a coward. I'm too scared to break up with her and be alone. We are already making plans to see each other agian and she's going to come to family events with me. God i suck. i've never broken up with a girl in my life im too scared/feel to bad for her.

If you don't want to break up with her, have you spoken with her about all this sobbing for hours and lack of personal resilience?   Is this something she would like to address in therapy, or is she happy as she is?   Because if she's happy to be like this, I'd see this as an absolute dealbreaker no matter what her other positive traits are.   Particularly if you want children some day - there's no way this type of behaviour is compatible with being a functional parent

[firstrelationship10]

On 1/16/2025 at 5:41 AM, Els said:

It's possible. Most people who have their first LTR in their 30s tend to have built up a rigid list of "requirements" (or fantasies) that isn't necessarily relevant to the realities of being in a relationship with a real person. It's also common for people to not really know what they want in a relationship at first, and to take a few relationships to figure it out.

In your case, if you've been together for 2 years and you have NEVER felt strong feelings for her, there's no point in taking this any further. It's not going to get better for the two of you, especially when one of you has to relocate for the other person, and all the ensuing stress that results from that.

I think you should break up with her kindly, but also spend some time doing introspection and asking yourself what you really need and want in a relationship. Preferably with the help of a therapist, if possible.

You're right

this thread has actually helped me so much

I just feel like such a coward, i'm too scared to break up with her, i'm socially awkward, and very indecisive , i spent years lonely 4+ years without even touching a women, i know sorry for the 'woe is me' type attitude, but ugh, these things are just rare for me

On 1/16/2025 at 8:36 AM, basil67 said:

If you don't want to break up with her, have you spoken with her about all this sobbing for hours and lack of personal resilience?   Is this something she would like to address in therapy, or is she happy as she is?   Because if she's happy to be like this, I'd see this as an absolute dealbreaker no matter what her other positive traits are.   Particularly if you want children some day - there's no way this type of behaviour is compatible with being a functional parent

I have brought it up, not so directly, i also brought up her seeing a psychologist but she said she doesn't want to.

[Els]

4 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

You're right

this thread has actually helped me so much

I just feel like such a coward, i'm too scared to break up with her, i'm socially awkward, and very indecisive , i spent years lonely 4+ years without even touching a women, i know sorry for the 'woe is me' type attitude, but ugh, these things are just rare for me

It's normal to feel scared before ending your first real relationship. I think it's something that everyone goes through in their lifetime, a sort of "rite of passage" so to speak. It's also normal to second guess yourself.

It has to be done, though. Otherwise you'll never find a partner whom you're compatible with, if you spend all your time with an incompatible partner.

You could also work on the personal issues re: indecision with the help of a therapist at the same time.

[firstrelationship10]

Thank you all for the kind responses, everyone in this thread has helped me tremendously and I very much appreciate it. 

Unfortunately, I still have  so much anxiety about this relationship I'm in.

We are in the process of organizing to meet her family next month and I feel so incredibly anxious about things.

On one hand, I appreciate the connection I have with her so much. I feel we both really understand each others mental struggles as we have grown up in similar households and experienced similar traumas. I think to myself I wouldn't trade this for anyone else and I do love her. However - the difference is I have grown up, matured, learned to deal with things and she has not.

On the other hand, she seems neurotic, sensitive, overly negative. She constantly tells me about how something has "annoyed" her. It's just so exhausting. When we spent time together I made her cry 3 times. If i say something that she perceives as negative she becomes hyper fixated on it, starts spiralling, sobbing and cant' seem to get over it for hours.  It's frustrating and tiring. I feel like i'm walking egg shells with her sometimes. 

 I’m also scared to leave her. I have so much empathy for her (due to paragraph one), and I feel horrible and guilty even thinking about breaking up. She talks in this baby-like voice sometimes, saying how safe she feels with me, and it just makes it harder. I don’t want to hurt her. I seem to be the only person in her lifetime who has ever really listened to her and shown appreciation of her.

I  don't know what the hell to do.

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

 

We are in the process of organizing to meet her family next month and I feel so incredibly anxious about things.

Well if you know that this relationship is on shaky ground, you are not that into her and a big part of you wants to get out of this relationship, you certainly don't schedule a meeting with her family.  That just defies all common sense.  You don't dig yourself deeper into a hole.

At the very least tell her that you are feeling unsure about the relationship and that you don't think scheduling a meeting with her family is a good idea.

I don't know how you can stand this woman, with her childish, hysterical immature behavior.  That would be a turn-off to most people, and anyone with emotional maturity would have ended this long ago.  She does this because you're one of the rare people who actually stick around and put up with it.

[basil67]

@firstrelationship10  We know this is your first relationship.  Would I be right in suspecting that you are aged over 30?    Would I also be right in suspecting that this woman lives in a third world country and is looking for a husband?

Because I think she's playing you like a fiddle.   

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

We are in the process of organizing to meet her family next month and I feel so incredibly anxious about things.

Please, can’t you at least cancel this? Make up any excuse, but don’t do this.

 

15 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

She talks in this baby-like voice sometimes, saying how safe she feels with me, and it just makes it harder.

How about next time she says this you tell her, “If you feel so safe with me, why do you make me feel like this:

15 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

horrible and guilty

15 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

frustrating and tiring

15 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

like i'm walking egg shells with her

?”

 

15 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I  don't know what the hell to do.

Tell her everything you’ve told us. Say that you can’t take it anymore. Say she must change.