firstrelationship10 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice about my relationship, and I'd really appreciate your thoughts. I'm a 31-year-old guy, and I met my girlfriend two years ago. She's two years younger than me, and we met online. The catch is that she lives interstate, about a 2-hour flight away. Despite the distance, we decided to start talking, and eventually, we met in person. Things went well, and we've been seeing each other exclusively ever since, even though it's a long-distance relationship. Here's where I'm struggling: We love each other, and she treats me very well. I care about her and love her too. But I have to admit, I'm not very experienced with relationships, and sometimes I catch myself wondering if she's the ideal partner I want or if the type of girlfriend/wife I imagine for myself is someone different. Then I feel horrible for thinking that way because she hasn't done anything particularly wrong. She's not perfect, and neither am I. We've had our ups and downs, and I sometimes find her to be immature and a bit of a neurotic thinker. But then I wonder if I'm just being too judgmental. I feel so guilty for questioning my feelings when she's generally a kind, sensitive person. Compared to some of the short-term flings I've had in the past, she's been so much better in so many ways. The real issue is that I don't know what to do. I guess I just don't feel strongly enough about her, but part of me also wonders if the problem is with me—that maybe I'm chasing some unrealistic fantasy of perfection that doesn't exist. This is the longest relationship I've ever had, and I'm worried I'm wasting her time if I'm unsure about the future. Eventually, one of us would have to move to make this relationship work long-term. But when I ask myself if I feel strongly enough to make that move, the answer scares me because I don't think I do. I'm just feeling super anxious and lost about what to do going forward. Should I stick with it and see if my feelings deepen? Or is it better to be honest about my doubts and risk ending something with someone who has been so good to me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said: But when I ask myself if I feel strongly enough to make that move, the answer scares me because I don't think I do. It is hard to sustain a long distance relationship- it appears to suit you the current arrangement which is fine but eventually she will want more, I can understand your thoughts as you outline on the highlighted, Perhaps dont feel too compelled to make the noble call just yet. Making the noble call- ending it because you are being honest about your commitment or doubts on commitment- in theory thats the right thing to do but be warned that may cause you regrets later, maybe start planning how it might work you moving closer or moving in together. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 You've been together 2 years, your feelings would have deepen by now. You got to know her and she is not the right fit for you. It's not about perfections, it's about compatibility. We all have little annoying sides but when they make us question our relationship then it's not about bad habits anymore. Being a little neurotic is not something l would put up with. This relationship lasted longer because you are long distance. If you were locals you would have discovered those incompatibilities sooner. Time to let this go so you both can find a better suited partner. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 8 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said: Then I feel horrible for thinking that way because she hasn't done anything particularly wrong. Your inexperience with relationships is very evident here. A person doesn't have to have done anything wrong for the other to decide that they aren't the right partner for them. It has nothing to do with having done something wrong or not. There's no way for you to find out if you and her are compatible without being able to spend regular time together in person. Since this woman is a 2-hour flight away, you don't have any in-person interaction. This is not even a real relationship, it is quite literally a fantasy. And it's not even a fantasy that is making you feel happy and fulfilled.... you are feeling ambivalent and unsure if she's the right person for you. This is your sign that you need to stop wasting your time with this and end it. And when you jump back into the dating pool, date people in your local area and stop with these ridiculous long distance relationships. You need to spend time with someone in person to build a connection. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstrelationship10 Posted January 5 Author Share Posted January 5 6 hours ago, Gaeta said: You've been together 2 years, your feelings would have deepen by now. You got to know her and she is not the right fit for you. It's not about perfections, it's about compatibility. We all have little annoying sides but when they make us question our relationship then it's not about bad habits anymore. Being a little neurotic is not something l would put up with. This relationship lasted longer because you are long distance. If you were locals you would have discovered those incompatibilities sooner. Time to let this go so you both can find a better suited partner. I just feel so awful about the situation deep down. In my early 20's I met a girl that I felt had great compatibility with, we had a short relationship before i realised she had lied to me about multiple things and things ended badly. This women who i am referring to in the OP is the complete opposite, she has strong morals, honest, loyal, kind, respectable, family orientated. I just feel like i would regret it if i was to stop seeing her. Dating is already very difficult, and i feel it's rare to find someone these days with a strong moral compass who doesn't have baggage. I actually made this post after we had spent a week together in person, I had a good time, but there were things she did that made me feel the need to make this post. Whilst spending time together - I was having thoughts, such as I wish she was a bit more positive, or I wish she wouldn't react this way, or I wish she was a bit more X, or Y. I know no is perfect, this is why I'm confused and unsure what to do. 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Your inexperience with relationships is very evident here. A person doesn't have to have done anything wrong for the other to decide that they aren't the right partner for them. It has nothing to do with having done something wrong or not. There's no way for you to find out if you and her are compatible without being able to spend regular time together in person. Since this woman is a 2-hour flight away, you don't have any in-person interaction. This is not even a real relationship, it is quite literally a fantasy. And it's not even a fantasy that is making you feel happy and fulfilled.... you are feeling ambivalent and unsure if she's the right person for you. This is your sign that you need to stop wasting your time with this and end it. And when you jump back into the dating pool, date people in your local area and stop with these ridiculous long distance relationships. You need to spend time with someone in person to build a connection. Just to reiterate, we have seen each other in person usually once every few months, and just recently we spent the week together. I'm still not sure what to do, on one hand she has great morals, is kind, a good person, respectable to my family, etc On the other hand, some aspects of her personality, make me thing we are not compatible, or I may be a bit more suited to someone who is more positive and outgoing. Ugh, I just feel awful about the situation, she messages me and talks to me about potentially going holidays together, meeting her family (she has already met mine) and i just feel hestitant about it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 34 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said: This women who i am referring to in the OP is the complete opposite, she has strong morals, honest, loyal, kind, respectable, family orientated. I just feel like i would regret it if i was to stop seeing her. While these are a handful of good qualities, this is not enough of a reason to stay with someone. You don't even say anything whatsoever about there being a romantic spark, about being attracted to her. It sounds like you are describing a good co-worker or something. This is a weak argument for staying in a relationship with someone. It sounds like you know deep down you are just not into this relationship and you know she isn't the right one for you. It would be wrong of you to keep stringing her along. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstrelationship10 Posted January 5 Author Share Posted January 5 18 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: While these are a handful of good qualities, this is not enough of a reason to stay with someone. You don't even say anything whatsoever about there being a romantic spark, about being attracted to her. It sounds like you are describing a good co-worker or something. This is a weak argument for staying in a relationship with someone. It sounds like you know deep down you are just not into this relationship and you know she isn't the right one for you. It would be wrong of you to keep stringing her along. Excellent point. My experience in my early 20's where I dated an attractive women, I felt such an overwhelming spark with, and great chemistry with - ended terribly and gave me some trauma - It made me think to myself, If i ever have a relationship again, I will prioritize who they are as a person and how they treat me above all else, Would you rather date an attractive abusive psychopath who you feel a great connection with , or someone who may not be so charismatic/attractive but they are a good person and treat you well? Get where I am coming from? This was why I wanted to pursue things with this women. Am I wrong for being with someone for this reason? It's true that my chemistry with her and overall attraction to her may not be as strong as it should, but it's because i was trying to prioritize being with someone who is strong morally and is a good person/treats me properly above all else. Is this a weak reason to be with someone? I genuinely don't know. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 38 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said: Would you rather date an attractive abusive psychopath who you feel a great connection with , or someone who may not be so charismatic/attractive but they are a good person and treat you well? Get where I am coming from? There is a wide variety of choices in between these 2 extremes. Before meeting my bf l dated another man for 6 months. On paper he had all the qualities a woman would want in a man including being a great lover but a little something was missing. It was not the spark, not the butterflies, l was looking for something deeper. Anyway l decided to end it and 6 months later l met my bf. He has alllll the qualities l was looking for + that little something! I'm glad l did not settled by fear of not finding someone else! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstrelationship10 Posted January 6 Author Share Posted January 6 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: There is a wide variety of choices in between these 2 extremes. Before meeting my bf l dated another man for 6 months. On paper he had all the qualities a woman would want in a man including being a great lover but a little something was missing. It was not the spark, not the butterflies, l was looking for something deeper. Anyway l decided to end it and 6 months later l met my bf. He has alllll the qualities l was looking for + that little something! I'm glad l did not settled by fear of not finding someone else! Yes very true, Darn, i truly feel awful about this situation. Perhaps, if we had spent more time together in person (rather than long distance) i'd have a much clearer understanding and feel more confident going forward. I feel really paralysed. She's such a sweet person, I don't want to break her heart, she's never really done anything wrong to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said: I'm still not sure what to do, on one hand she has great morals, is kind, a good person, respectable to my family, etc Compatible moral values are just one out of the several important cornerstones for a relationship. And it is rarely the one at the very foundation of it, otherwise we’d all be romantically attracted to saints. Normally, a relationship starts with personal chemistry, a spark, a romantic feeling. These are supposed to grow and increase as the relationship proceeds. If they don’t, then people are left with no romance at all later on, because these feelings tend to subside after some years have passed. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said: Would you rather date an attractive abusive psychopath who you feel a great connection with , or someone who may not be so charismatic/attractive but they are a good person and treat you well? Thank goodness our choices aren’t limited to these two extremes. I’d date neither of the two. In my past, I was lucky to never have been together with an attractive abusive psychopath. I did get together with a woman who treated me well, who I thought would be a great partner, while the spark on my side was lacking. Predictably, that ended badly after several years. I’m currently dating someone who I feel a great connection with, who is very charismatic and attractive, but who is definitely a good person and treats me well. This relationship started with an exceptionally strong personal chemistry and passionate mutual attraction. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 16 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said: Perhaps, if we had spent more time together in person (rather than long distance) i'd have a much clearer understanding and feel more confident going forward. That is a given. Nothing can be certain in those permanent long-distance relationships. The first thing to do is always to see how the relationship works when you are actually able to see each other on a regular basis. Otherwise it’s all just pure conjecture. 18 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said: She's such a sweet person, I don't want to break her heart, she's never really done anything wrong to me. That is not the right reason to stay in a relationship where love has faded out or has never existed in the first place. Wouldn’t you feel humiliated and hurt if a woman stays together with you simply because she finds you sweet and doesn’t want to break your heart? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstrelationship10 Posted January 6 Author Share Posted January 6 24 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: That is a given. Nothing can be certain in those permanent long-distance relationships. The first thing to do is always to see how the relationship works when you are actually able to see each other on a regular basis. Otherwise it’s all just pure conjecture. That is not the right reason to stay in a relationship where love has faded out or has never existed in the first place. Wouldn’t you feel humiliated and hurt if a woman stays together with you simply because she finds you sweet and doesn’t want to break your heart? All excellent posts. I'm not with her simply because i find her sweet and also don't want to break her heart. I also appreciate her as a person, she understands me very well and a good person. I admire and respect her. I do strongly care about her. What would you recommend i do going forward? Continue to see her? The biggest fear i have is actually for her, as she is in her late 20's and i know that for women, time is more important. I don't want to waste her time, but i still want to see her, she means a lot to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 Are you in love with her? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 (edited) 21 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said: I'm not with her simply because i find her sweet and also don't want to break her heart. I also appreciate her as a person, she understands me very well and a good person. I admire and respect her. I do strongly care about her. You’re just reiterating the same thing. Basically, you’re expressing the awful “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” classic break-up line. Would you be happy if a woman you love said that to you? 21 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said: What would you recommend i do going forward? Continue to see her? Not if all you feel for her is respect and care and something resembling a somewhat condescending pity. This, in particular: 21 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said: The biggest fear i have is actually for her, as she is in her late 20's and i know that for women, time is more important. Let’s see what the ladies of the forum will say to that, but if I were a woman, I’d be insulted by this kind of thinking. You’re implying that she is past her prime, something we shouldn’t really be thinking about anyone. Also, it is objectively untrue in her case, since late 20’s is normally just the beginning of spiritual and mental maturity. And “fearing for her” implies that you don’t believe that she can find anyone better than you. It’s as though you were actually doing her a favor by staying with her. Just think for a second how demeaning it would be to you if a woman stayed with you out of fear that you won’t be able to survive without her, like you were some kind of a helpless pet. Edited January 6 by Gebidozo 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstrelationship10 Posted January 6 Author Share Posted January 6 17 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: You’re just reiterating the same thing. Basically, you’re expressing the awful “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” classic break-up line. Would you be happy if a woman you love said that to you? Not if all you feel for her is respect and care and something resembling a somewhat condescending pity. This, in particular: Let’s see what the ladies of the forum will say to that, but if I were a woman, I’d be insulted by this kind of thinking. You’re implying that she is past her prime, something we shouldn’t really be thinking about anyone. Also, it is objectively untrue in her case, since late 20’s is normally just the beginning of spiritual and mental maturity. And “fearing for her” implies that you don’t believe that she can find anyone better than you. It’s as though you were actually doing her a favor by staying with her. Just think for a second how demeaning it would be to you if a woman stayed with you out of fear that you won’t be able to survive without her, like you were some kind of a helpless pet. Perhaps you are correct, perhaps i love her but i am not "in love" with her. I don't understand why what I said was insulting? Women have a 'biological clock' and it's more difficult to get pregnant with age. Do you disagree with this statement? I'm not implying she is past her prime, nor do I view her in that way. It seems you are projecting some personal bias here? I apologise if I came across this way but i don't view her as a stock that declines in value at all. I do believe she can find someone better than me, someone that may feel more strongly about her than me. This is why I am concerned about wasting her time. Perhaps I did not word my sentences correctly. But i don't think about her in that way at all. My concern was more that biologically, it is more difficult for a women to get pregnant with age, and I fear that due to our distance and my feelings I am wasting her time and the opportunity for her to meet someone she would be more compatible with before she is faced with the difficulties that age has with getting pregnant. I'm not exactly sure what's so bad about my thinking here? 30 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Are you in love with her? I think so, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 Just now, firstrelationship10 said: Perhaps you are correct, perhaps i love her but i am not "in love" with her. Then you should let her go so that she can find someone who is in love with her. 2 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said: My concern was more that biologically, it is more difficult for a women to get pregnant with age, and I fear that due to our distance and my feelings I am wasting her time and the opportunity for her to meet someone she would be more compatible with before she is faced with the difficulties that age has with getting pregnant. I'm not exactly sure what's so bad about my thinking here? I don’t know how to explain this to you, maybe I’m wrong. It just sounds like you’re making life choices for her. What if she isn’t interested in getting pregnant at all? If you feel that you’re wasting her time due to lack of love, break up with her. There is no need to add pity, concern for her future, or fear that she’ll be past her biological prime some day. It’s not about her welfare, it’s about your feelings for her. If you love her, stay with her and make it work. If you don’t, let her go. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said: I think so, Oh dear. Two years together and you *think* you're in love. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstrelationship10 Posted January 6 Author Share Posted January 6 54 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Oh dear. Two years together and you *think* you're in love. I'm not being sarcastic, but how do I even know if i love someone or not? How do we know if we are in love? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 (edited) 9 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Let’s see what the ladies of the forum will say to that, but if I were a woman, I’d be insulted by this kind of thinking. I will respond as one of the women: I take my hat off to the OP! I feel like it's a rare man who even considers that this is an issue for women. As it so happens, regretting wasting fertile years on relationship which were never going to end in marriage a topic which gets discussed among women, particularly those who find themselves finally getting married in their mid-late 30's and discovering that they need all kinds of medical assistance to fall pregnant due to their advanced maternal age. Yes, it may also be true that she does not want children, but that's no reason to hang around wasting her time if he's only half sure. @firstrelationship10 I'll be honest with you. If she was the right one for you, you wouldn't be having all these doubts and be questioning whether you love her. After meeting her in person, you came away with respect, but also more than enough doubts to show that there isn't a romantic future to be had. It's time to move on. And yes, she may be sad for a bit, but she'll get over it and find love again in the future Edited January 6 by basil67 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 10 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said: I'm not being sarcastic, but how do I even know if i love someone or not? How do we know if we are in love? We feel it deep into our bones. When someone ask us if we are in love it's practically impossible to answer *I think so*. Your mind, mouth and soul could only spit out one answer which is *Yes I am deeply in love*. You are both young. You and her will get over this and move on to something better. You 2 are long distance and she gets on your nerve, imagine what a full time relationship would be like. You only saw each other a handful of times in those 2 years. You will both get out of this ok. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstrelationship10 Posted January 6 Author Share Posted January 6 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: We feel it deep into our bones. When someone ask us if we are in love it's practically impossible to answer *I think so*. Your mind, mouth and soul could only spit out one answer which is *Yes I am deeply in love*. You are both young. You and her will get over this and move on to something better. You 2 are long distance and she gets on your nerve, imagine what a full time relationship would be like. You only saw each other a handful of times in those 2 years. You will both get out of this ok. Thanks. One of the reasons that made me to make this post was after spending the week together, I happened to make her cry 3 times! Each time, i felt the things she was upset over were really minor and she was very sensitive (but to each of their own, I can't judge). I didn't say these things to her, instead I apologised, but it made me really think about if I want to be with someone like this long term. I still feel really torn on this. I went on a dating app (Not to cheat) and it reminded me how difficult it is out there, I don't want to lose what i have. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 @firstrelationship10 Is she sensitive or are you insensitive? What did you say to her and in what context? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said: I went on a dating app (Not to cheat) and it reminded me how difficult it is out there, I don't want to lose what i have You cannot lose what you don't have. You don't have a companion she's long distance, you don't lose love you are not in love, you don't lose a connection you don't feel connected to her. You have everything to gain by breaking up. Then you will be free to find someone you truly connect with. Listen, you're young, you will be fine! Some people divorce after years of marriage, sell their house, adapt to split custody and they get out of it just fine!! And they find love again! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author firstrelationship10 Posted January 7 Author Share Posted January 7 36 minutes ago, basil67 said: @firstrelationship10 Is she sensitive or are you insensitive? What did you say to her and in what context? This is an example of one of the times - I am a very healthy eater, so i don't really eat many sweets/cakes. She is the opposite and has a sweet tooth. When we were out, we were getting dessert. She asked me what I wanted (as we approached the cake store), I told her i don't mind, She asked me again and i told her again i don't mind, she asked me a third time and i politely said 'i don't care get whatever you would like' (i didn't raise my voice or anything) Afterwards, she became very quiet and wouldn't talk to me. I was genuinely confused as to what was wrong. We went back home (her silent the entire time) and me trying to ask her what was wrong, and she eventually started crying and told me that I 'snapped' at her and I am not 'enthusiastic' to eat with dessert with her. This was really confusing to me as I genuinely did not snap at her (I felt no anger or anything when i responded to her), but I guess she saw it that way. She spent a lot of time being quiet/crying and me apologising, trying to cheer her up. (the night was pretty much ruined) This happens frequently to be honest, and it's something I find a bit exhausting. Maybe I am a little bit insensitive and she is very sensitive? What are your thoughts? The other occasions were all similar, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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