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SEASON_WINTER

I joined online dating and met a man for breakfast one week ago (day 6 after texting). He is divorced (more than ten year ago) and has two children (age 21 and 18). Every weekend, the children will come to his place.

At the first breakfast date, he asked about my past marriage and relationship since my divorce. I was not comfortable to share as it is first time meeting him. I told him I am not used to share personal info at first date. He reacted that I may need to share when come to 2nd date but i was only looking at him.

He was very open and shared his life story from his marriage, divorce (what happen) and how ex wife get assets from him, his two relationships also ended up due to finance related (women ask money from him). I was in fact very over-whelmed by his sharing as I was not prepared to people sharing personal information at early stage. I did try to show empathy though. 

He shared that he is not a big texter. He tried texting younger ladies and he cannot keep up with the pace of texting. They questioned him for being quiet on texting and no initiate to share information of his daily activities and whereabouts. He said somehow I am different from those he met, he commented that I never initiated text with him and I never asked him what he is doing as well.

Since the day we connected by text messages, (he initiates) he sends morning texts, good night texts every day without fail. If we exchange some texts, his response will be very brief. Other than morning text, evening text, good night texts, he never asked me any other information about myself. This behavior continued since day one.  He also did not initiate 2nd date since the breakfast date.

I am confused by his behaviour. Is he stringing me? 

 

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MsJayne

My advice is dump him and run. Any guy who drones on about women taking his money is just a massive tool - women can only take money from men who give it to them, and any man too stupid to recognise a gold digger is always a sexist, (doesn’t see past a pretty face). He’s hiding his misogyny at the moment, playing it cool by only b****ing about exes. If you stick with him you’ll soon be the one he moans about. Run. 

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SEASON_WINTER
17 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

My advice is dump him and run. Any guy who drones on about women taking his money is just a massive tool - women can only take money from men who give it to them, and any man too stupid to recognise a gold digger is always a sexist, (doesn’t see past a pretty face). He’s hiding his misogyny at the moment, playing it cool by only b****ing about exes. If you stick with him you’ll soon be the one he moans about. Run. 

Thanks! For past few days, I feel that something is wrong. I really gotta trust my intuition. This man is not right!

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Gebidozo

I generally suggest to be wary of people who complain too much about their exes.

He seems to be over-emphasizing the whole “they took my money” thing. He is too eager to protect himself right away against being “robbed” by a woman, as if he were probing the ground to make sure you wouldn’t do that to him. Frankly, it’s a bit pathetic.

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Gebidozo
37 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Any guy who drones on about women taking his money is just a massive tool - women can only take money from men who give it to them, and any man too stupid to recognise a gold digger is always a sexist, (doesn’t see past a pretty face).

Not necessarily. I lost quite a large sum of money many years ago to my then-wife because she lied to me about a crucial piece of financial information. She wasn’t really a gold digger, she acted under the influence of her parents under false pretense of security. And I wasn’t with her just because I couldn’t see beyond a pretty face. 

I agree with your other points, though. People that complain about their exes too much are usually immature individuals with poor self-reflection skills.

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SEASON_WINTER
14 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I generally suggest to be wary of people who complain too much about their exes.

He seems to be over-emphasizing the whole “they took my money” thing. He is too eager to protect himself right away against being “robbed” by a woman, as if he were probing the ground to make sure you wouldn’t do that to him. Frankly, it’s a bit pathetic.

When he was sharing on the financial things, I feel that he is trying to set the stage first.  I agree that it was quite pathetic. that is also one of the reasons I was "overwhelmed" that someone has past relationship somehow linked to finance. He dropped one lady as she try to borrow more and more money from him. And the 2nd one is hinting him to buy a apartment for her (he said the lady mention 5 times).

For me, right now I am concerned that he is not sincere as he does not ask about my life (how I am getting? my work, daily life?). When you like a person, I am sure you wish to know more about the person. 

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Gebidozo
14 minutes ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

For me, right now I am concerned that he is not sincere as he does not ask about my life (how I am getting? my work, daily life?). When you like a person, I am sure you wish to know more about the person. 

You shouldn’t be concerned, just drop him.

He has shown no interest in you and just kept babbling about women taking his money. What’s attractive in that?

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justwhoiam
17 hours ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

[...]he asked about my past marriage and relationship since my divorce. I was not comfortable to share as it is first time meeting him. I told him I am not used to share personal info at first date.[...]

he never asked me any other information about myself.[...].  He also did not initiate 2nd date since the breakfast date.

I am confused by his behaviour. Is he stringing me?

You set clear boundaries on your first date when he asked about your current personal situation. Now, he respects your privacy and waits for you to share when you're ready. He’s not pestering you and seems patient. It’s unclear what you’re expecting from him. Remember, a breakfast date is a relaxed and easy-going way to get to know someone. If you care about him, it should be evident. His presence and patience show his interest and willingness to wait until you're comfortable sharing more. He was honest with you, and now the ball's in your court. If he's well off, it’s understandable that he might be cautious about women trying to take advantage of him. It's quite bold for two adults who are just getting to know each other to ask for something like an apartment or a house. He needs to be wary of greedy intentions, which makes sense.

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stillafool
17 hours ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

For me, right now I am concerned that he is not sincere as he does not ask about my life (how I am getting? my work, daily life?). When you like a person, I am sure you wish to know more about the person. 

Maybe this is what he means by you opening up on the 2nd date.  He wants you to tell him about these things without him asking.

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SEASON_WINTER

at the first meetup, he asked me what i am looking for. I told him "a lifetime partner....a companion". He has met 8 ladies in past few months (majority turned out different from photo (understated age), the rest he said no chemistry). I told him i am not so active in meeting people, most guys i already dropped at first few text messages.

He asked why am i not active since i joined the apps. i told him "if it is meant to be, it meant to be. i don't' want to stress myself".

he then asked if I am a lesbian. I was surprised by the question. then i told him i am certain of my "likes"...else i won't turn up today.

 

 

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FredEire
On 5/24/2024 at 6:46 AM, SEASON_WINTER said:

I joined online dating and met a man for breakfast one week ago (day 6 after texting). He is divorced (more than ten year ago) and has two children (age 21 and 18). Every weekend, the children will come to his place.

At the first breakfast date, he asked about my past marriage and relationship since my divorce. I was not comfortable to share as it is first time meeting him. I told him I am not used to share personal info at first date. He reacted that I may need to share when come to 2nd date but i was only looking at him.

He was very open and shared his life story from his marriage, divorce (what happen) and how ex wife get assets from him, his two relationships also ended up due to finance related (women ask money from him). I was in fact very over-whelmed by his sharing as I was not prepared to people sharing personal information at early stage. I did try to show empathy though. 

He shared that he is not a big texter. He tried texting younger ladies and he cannot keep up with the pace of texting. They questioned him for being quiet on texting and no initiate to share information of his daily activities and whereabouts. He said somehow I am different from those he met, he commented that I never initiated text with him and I never asked him what he is doing as well.

Since the day we connected by text messages, (he initiates) he sends morning texts, good night texts every day without fail. If we exchange some texts, his response will be very brief. Other than morning text, evening text, good night texts, he never asked me any other information about myself. This behavior continued since day one.  He also did not initiate 2nd date since the breakfast date.

I am confused by his behaviour. Is he stringing me? 

 

I don't think he's stringing you along, but he seems on shaky ground dating after his previous negative experiences, maybe he's not sure how to do it any more in a sense.

It seems like he's bringing a lot of baggage along, so it's up to you how much you feel a connection and how much you think you can be patient with that.

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stillafool
11 hours ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

he then asked if I am a lesbian.

What made him think you were a lesbian?

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FredEire
11 hours ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

at the first meetup, he asked me what i am looking for. I told him "a lifetime partner....a companion". He has met 8 ladies in past few months (majority turned out different from photo (understated age), the rest he said no chemistry). I told him i am not so active in meeting people, most guys i already dropped at first few text messages.

He asked why am i not active since i joined the apps. i told him "if it is meant to be, it meant to be. i don't' want to stress myself".

he then asked if I am a lesbian. I was surprised by the question. then i told him i am certain of my "likes"...else i won't turn up today.

 

 

Thats a pretty odd question though, bit of a red flag in my opinion. Why on earth would you be a lesbian if you are going on dates with him?

His experiences may have made him very resentful of women and always looking for some problem to write it off, always going into thinks with his back up and guard fully in place.

I don't agree that this guy is necessarily a tool, he may have gone in too deep with a couple of women who genuinely treated him quite badly. But underneath all that he could be carrying a lot of pain which might express itself in the form of extreme defensiveness and attacks at the first sign of trouble. You have to judge if you work with him or he's too far gone.

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Alpacalia

Stringing isn't the word I would use -- he seems like he's had some bad experiences with women wanting money from him (many people have had similar experiences and become jaded) and is making sure to keep you at arms length until he's sure you're not interested in taking advantage of him. 

Or, like others have said he's just a big ole' stick in the mud! I wouldn't call him stringing, it really sounds like he just doesn't think the two of you have much in common and he's carrying on conversation only because he doesn't want to hurt any feelings.

And it's fine and completely reasonable for you to not wanna share so much on a first date, especially with something like your marriage. There is no "timeline" for comfort with opening up about personal things on a first date so don't feel like you're the only one here. 

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FredEire
1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Stringing isn't the word I would use -- he seems like he's had some bad experiences with women wanting money from him (many people have had similar experiences and become jaded) and is making sure to keep you at arms length until he's sure you're not interested in taking advantage of him. 

Or, like others have said he's just a big ole' stick in the mud! I wouldn't call him stringing, it really sounds like he just doesn't think the two of you have much in common and he's carrying on conversation only because he doesn't want to hurt any feelings.

And it's fine and completely reasonable for you to not wanna share so much on a first date, especially with something like your marriage. There is no "timeline" for comfort with opening up about personal things on a first date so don't feel like you're the only one here. 

I completely agree with this @Alpacalia. It depends on the strength of your feelings. Everyone has their own baggage so if you're into him and get the vibe that he's a decent guy who is trying his best you have to cut him a bit of slack at the beginning. If you get the sense that he's too on the defensive and trying to pigeonhole you as another woman taking advantage with him you should have an honest chat with him about how you feel and if he's not receptive and starts the blame game it's time to let go.

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SEASON_WINTER
3 hours ago, stillafool said:

What made him think you were a lesbian?

I am not sure too. He shared that his peers brought a “guy friend” out of sudden one day. He also shared he does “receive” signal from them (maybe when he was younger). Part of conversation during first date. 

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MsJayne
17 hours ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

he then asked if I am a lesbian.

🤣 Oh no, a woman who thinks! Good grief, she must be a lesbian if she's taking on male traits and doing things like forming opinions of her own 😱! Sounds like he uses his financial status as a means of making himself taller to attract women, and then becomes resentful when women take the bait. He sees women as something that can be bought, and so attracts the kind of women who confirm that belief. He's damaged by his experiences, which is maybe understandable, but he parked his baggage in your face from the get-go and that tells you that he lacks self-awareness. Just the fact that he asked if you're a lesbian tells you a whole lot about his angry attitude towards women. 

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justwhoiam

I've never encountered the notion that men automatically assume women with strong opinions are lesbians. To begin with, there's no indication that SEASON_WINTER was particularly opinionated about anything. If we were to lean into stereotypes, it's often said that many men perceive women in general as having strong opinions. Just ask a married man how often he wins an argument with his wife.

That being said, if we're talking stereotypes, typical traits associated with lesbians might include an undercut or short hair styled with gel—think early Justin Bieber—and no makeup, short, unmanicured fingernails, and pins, t-shirts, stickers, or other items featuring the LGBTQ+ rainbow or lesbian flag (though most people don't recognize that specific flag). And let's not forget the classic look: a leather jacket, pants, and other edgy, tomboyish clothes.

I wouldn't read too much into that question. After answering honestly, I would have thrown it back at him: "Are you into threesomes?" I think a lot of women would want to know that early on to quickly rule out any potential partners they're not interested in.

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Alpacalia

Just decline with compassion. Guy has been through some crap.

The "are you a lesbian" is bizare and amounts to nothing at all, unless there is some innuendo about its appearance.

He's been hurt, and again, 99.999% sure its nothing to do with you, just decline kindly tell him you're distancing yourself, and he can be on his way looking and you wish him well.

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ExpatInItaly

This man is not in the right place to date. 

I would tell him you don't feel you are a match, and keep moving. 

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My goodness, we all went through crappy dating stories and we did not turn bitter and self centered like this guy. He sounds really really NOT fun! 

He asked if you were lesbian right after you said you were not in a hurry to find someone, his thinking was if you're not missing sex with a man maybe you are a lesbien. He sounds like a dirty-old-man-know-it-all.

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Nellea
Posted (edited)

His behaviour is a bit odd. He’s not letting anyone get close to him, and not really trying to get to know you on a deeper level. He’s definitely not ready for something more serious… I don’t think I could date him, but it’s your call. You could also try talking to him about it… 

Edited by Nellea
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Acacia98

OP, I think the way he talks to you is an indication of who he is and how he thinks. If your response is to feel confused and uncomfortable, pay attention to that. There's no earthly reason to push yourself to continue dating someone whose words and actions provoke such feelings in you.

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SEASON_WINTER

thanks for all responses and listening.

I also started to ask myself if I am confused or I am not sure what i want.

Sidetrack...... Last sat, I went out with another man from online dating. First time meetup. It was a impromptu coffee meetup arranged on Sat afternoon. He just settled divorce case on March 2024, had a girl (12yr) and he is losing his job this friday. The divorce was traumatic as he later found out wife already has a Boyfriend. This time, I am more open with this man, sharing on personal information. (maybe I more relaxed now). 

Keep story short. he started hinting that he feels comfortable talking to me, we can click well etc (due similar edu backgnd, work experience). He said he can understand what I am trying to say even though I don't speak out fully. 

To be honest, I was taken aback. Men seem quite "aggressive" during meet up.

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3 hours ago, SEASON_WINTER said:

He just settled divorce case on March 2024, had a girl (12yr) and he is losing his job this friday. 

Are you serious? I would not touch this man with a 6 foot pole! Don't date recently divorced men! He's not ready to date, he's still dealing with his trauma. This man is gonna need a couple transition girlfriends before getting back on his feet.

You just have not met the right man for you yet, it takes time. I went on 75 first date before my bf and meeting was easy, fun, natural, effortless, it was not like a therapy session.

 

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