do I need to be more patient?

[Chicken Dinner]

My girlfriend and I have been together a year. I've been helping my partner shop for apartments. I don't have the space for her to move in with me and not really wanting to sell my house until I get a better job in another city. We have talked about moving together whenever I get that job but in the meantime her lease ends May 1 and so she needed to move within town. We found a place and she was really excited to move away from this other apartment she was renting where the police were constantly over there to deal with crime in the complex. I figured that this month wasn't going to be easy with her moving, and it has not been easy. There's a lot of things going on in her life that are affecting her mental health as a person with an anxiety disorder. She's spending all of her time moving boxes of the stairs so she's tired a lot. But the other thing is that she's really stressing about her finances: Moving is expensive and also she's turning 26 next month so she's trying to figure out which health insurance she's going to go with. She's never had to get health insurance before because she's been on her parents insurance and so she's freaking out about how much that's going to cost. Also the stove in the apartment is not working and the building management hasn't responded to repeated maintenance requests so she's can't even cook in that building. And so all of these things going on means we haven't spent as much time together, and when we have it hasn't been that much fun, it's me giving her lots of encouragement, ask what she needs, give her advice, consoling. She doesn't want my help financially. I want to be supportive, but I'm not happy -- I'm kind of tired of being the should to cry on and the supportive role, it's one I've played in several previous relationships. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Maybe these are temporary things that should resolve in time?

[glows]

Sounds like burn out and that comes from not allocating enough time to yourself and stopping yourself from trying to fix her problems. She doesn’t need a fixer. It sounds like she’s capable of handling her issues but wants a listening ear. 

Do you know what kinds of foods she likes or her favourite restaurant? Have you taken her out? If not already done so I’d kindly suggest she might need a bit of a break. I’d be honest if things get out of hand and she is constantly irritable and difficult to be around. You can be tactful and respectful but direct and honest at the same time. Sometimes when we’re going through something we don’t always realize how we’re impacting others. 

You seem like a good partner. Also plan time with your friends and make time for yourself. Your world doesn’t revolve around her move and issues.

[d0nnivain]

You talk about all of her stress & how it's effecting you.  Then you claim you want to be supportive but what have you actually done?   

Plan some "boring" dates.  Bring a computer.  Help her make a budget.  If she doesn't want you to know the specifics of her finances that is fine.  You can at least help her make the categories.     Design a spread sheet for her to do a comparison of the various health insurance plans.   Can you do anything for her around the move:  give boxes, help pack, rent a truck etc.   

In short what can you take off her plate?   In a good relationship the partners help each other.  In a marriage you have to work as a team.  

The answer to the title of your thread is yes, you need to be more patient while she's in this transition.  You also need to be more helpful.  

I see / hear lip service not concrete help.  

Edited April 23 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

I'm thinking why you're not helping her move those boxes? She may not want your cash but there are several unexpansive gifts you could offer her like an electrical pot/pan, a crockpot, anything that cooks but is electrical. In a relationship we're suppose to ease each other's burden with gestures. I am not American but I am sure in terms of getting an insurance you guys have insurance agents that can dig out the best insurance for her considering her age, gender, known illness etc. Suggest her to seek her parent's help with that. 

[Chicken Dinner]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You talk about all of her stress & how it's effecting you.  Then you claim you want to be supportive but what have you actually done?   

 

Bought her some pain medicine and a heating pad, moved some boxes and furniture up the stairs, picked her up when she was having a panic attack on the road and brought her car back, researched local tenet law and sent highlighted sections show she knows her tenant rights. I don't know a thing about buying insurance, I've always gotten it through my job. 

Edited April 23 by Chicken Dinner

[Chicken Dinner]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You also need to be more helpful.  

 

12 hours ago, glows said:

Sounds like burn out and that comes from not allocating enough time to yourself and stopping yourself from trying to fix her problems. She doesn’t need a fixer. Your world doesn’t revolve around her move and issues.

Some users saying I'm not doing enough and others saying I'm doing too much 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Chicken Dinner said:

Bought her some pain medicine and a heating pad, moved some boxes and furniture up the stairs, picked her up when she was having a panic attack on the road and brought her car back, researched local tenet law and sent highlighted sections show she knows her tenant rights. I don't know a thing about buying insurance, I've always gotten it through my job. 

Why is she still moving boxes on her own?

Why wasn't her move better organized? Why did you not devote a day with her so the move is done one shot? 

56 minutes ago, Chicken Dinner said:

Some users saying I'm not doing enough and others saying I'm doing too much 

I viewed this relationship as committed as you both are planning on moving in together, others may have seen it as just dating. 

As for myself, when I'm committed in a relationship, his problems are my problems. When my ex needed to move apartment and all his scheduled helpers cancelled. I spent 12 hours under a beating sun of 36C helping him move mattresses and appliances. We moved his entire apartment just him and I. 

Are you reconsidering this relationship because this is a tough phase for her?

[Els]

Quote

She's spending all of her time moving boxes of the stairs so she's tired a lot.

Agreed with @Gaeta, why didn't you just offer to clear a Saturday and help her get all the moving done in one day? Rightly or not, if I was in a LTR and I was exhausting myself "spending all my time moving boxes" (your words), I'd certainly feel like my partner didn't care about me, especially considering that he's physically stronger. It doesn't take that long to move an apartment, if you actually dedicated a day of your time to it, she'd have more time and energy for you in return.

[smackie9]

You both are not good at communication or understanding one another. With anxiety sure they can be all over the place, but all they really want to do is vent and for you to listen, that's it...don't go sticking your advice into it. As for the physical work she is doing, that's your job as a man to move the boxes for her, do the heavy lifting. Work as a team if you have to. Sounds to me she doesn't like to be told what to do, or ask for help, etc. Be a good listener so she feels supported. 

[Chicken Dinner]

On 4/23/2024 at 2:21 PM, smackie9 said:

As for the physical work she is doing, that's your job as a man to move the boxes for her, do the heavy lifting. 

Next you'll tell me it's the woman's job to do all the cooking and cleaning. Actually, I think you might say it's that man's job to do that too. 

Edited April 25 by Chicken Dinner

[Chicken Dinner]

On 4/23/2024 at 11:46 AM, Els said:

Agreed with @Gaeta, why didn't you just offer to clear a Saturday and help her get all the moving done in one day?

I asked her point blank what she needed during this time and when she responded she did not ask me to clear a Saturday and help her get all the moving done in one day. She might very well have wanted me to back off and leave her alone and let her worry about it until she gets finished. I once worked as a staff assistant at a state university right after I got out of college. On my personnel review, I got a bad mark from the boss for not predicting in advance what her needs would be. That's not how men's minds work: you need to explicitly tell us what you need or it won't occur to us. We will just assume you wanna be left alone to handle it. 

Edited April 25 by Chicken Dinner

[Chicken Dinner]

On 4/23/2024 at 10:31 AM, Gaeta said:

 

As for myself, when I'm committed in a relationship, his problems are my problems. When my ex needed to move apartment and all his scheduled helpers cancelled. I spent 12 hours under a beating sun of 36C helping him move mattresses and appliances. We moved his entire apartment just him and I. 

Honestly, doesn't seem to have helped if he's your ex? 

I asked her point blank what she needed during this time and when she responds, she never asks me for more than moving a few items up the stairs. I've given her a few containers, moved some furniture out of the truck and up the stairs, bought her some appliances. Maybe she doesn't like to ask for help. She also has a roommate she's not getting along well with, which is part of the reason she's moving, so she may want to spare me seeing that drama as well. 

Edited April 25 by Chicken Dinner

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Chicken Dinner said:

Honestly, doesn't seem to have helped if he's your ex. 

 My relationships have never ended because l was half committed. 

 

[basil67]

54 minutes ago, Chicken Dinner said:

I asked her point blank what she needed during this time and when she responded she did not ask me to clear a Saturday and help her get all the moving done in one day. She might very well have wanted me to back off and leave her alone and let her worry about it until she gets finished. I once worked as a staff assistant at a state university right after I got out of college. On my personnel review, I got a bad mark from the boss for not predicting in advance what her needs would be. That's not how men's minds work: you need to explicitly tell us what you need or it won't occur to us. We will just assume you wanna be left alone to handle it. 

Are you suggesting that the skill of taking initiative is gendered?     I think a lot of successful men will disagree with this

 

[Chicken Dinner]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Are you suggesting that the skill of taking initiative is gendered?     I think a lot of successful men will disagree with this

 

Asking her what she needed was taking initiative. Also why didn't you take issue with gendering when the user above said 

Quote

As for the physical work she is doing, that's your job as a man to move the boxes for her, do the heavy lifting.

 

Edited April 25 by Chicken Dinner

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, Chicken Dinner said:

Asking her what she needed was taking initiative. Also why didn't you take issue with gendering when the user above said 

 

Asking her what she needs puts her in the situation of having to think and delegate.  But taking initiative to do what needs to be done removes a load from her.   But hey, if you are happy with who you are and what you believe, just carry on doing what you're doing.

I didn't take issue with with what @smackie9 said because it's your thread and I'm talking to you.   But if you want to break it down, for a far majority of us, our husbands are stronger and can carry heavier things.  But perhaps your girlfriend is stronger than you?  If so, then of course she would do the heavier lifting...it's probably just not a scenario that Smackie considered.

When my husband and I paint interior walls, I'm very neat at cutting in the edges so that's my job.  I don't ask if he wants it, I tell him I'm doing it.  It's about each of us doing what we do best when we are part of a team.

 

Edited April 25 by basil67

[Chicken Dinner]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Asking her what she needs puts her in the situation of having to think and delegate.  But taking initiative to do what needs to be done removes a load from her.   But hey, if you are happy with who you are and what you believe, just carry on doing what you're doing.

I didn't take issue with with what @smackie9 said because it's your thread and I'm talking to you.   But if you want to break it down, for a far majority of us, our husbands are stronger and can carry heavier things.  But perhaps your girlfriend is stronger than you?  If so, then of course she would do the heavier lifting...it's probably just not a scenario that Smackie considered.

When my husband and I paint interior walls, I'm very neat at cutting in the edges so that's my job.  I don't ask if he wants it, I tell him I'm doing it.  It's about each of us doing what we do best when we are part of a team.

 

I don't feel this thread has been helpful at all. I'll request the mods to close up this thread and I'll move on. 

Edited April 25 by Chicken Dinner

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Chicken Dinner said:

I asked her point blank what she needed during this time and when she responds, she never asks me for more than moving a few items up the stairs. I've given her a few containers, moved some furniture out of the truck and up the stairs, bought her some appliances.

I just want to visualize this accurately. You stood by the moving truck and brought up a few items and then left?

Do you love this woman? Is she the one for you?

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Chicken Dinner said:

Also why didn't you take issue with gendering when the user above said

I'm still wondering why you think that men can't take initiative.  If this is true, how is it that there are so many successful men in the world of business?  You think they get to the top by only doing what they are asked to do?

[Chicken Dinner]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm still wondering why you think that men can't take initiative.  If this is true, how is it that there are so many successful men in the world of business?  You think they get to the top by only doing what they are asked to do?

I just have a different definition of initiative than you do. Your definition involves reading a persons mind to anticipate their needs before they ask. I'm not a mind reader, so my definition is different. I can take initiative for myself: I quit that job I described earlier and found something that paid better and didn't require me to listen to that woman whine and complain. That type of job just didn't fit who I am. But I don't know exactly how to help my partner unless she articulates that. 

Edited April 26 by Chicken Dinner

[Chicken Dinner]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I just want to visualize this accurately. You stood by the moving truck and brought up a few items and then left?

You spent 12 hours under a beating sun of 36C helping move mattresses and appliances for a man who is now your ex. What did it get you. I'm not against helping her move, but I need her to communicate what she needs. I have asked as recently as today and mostly she's said, I just need this small thing here or there and I'm good.

Edited April 26 by Chicken Dinner

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Chicken Dinner said:

I just have a different definition of initiative than you do. Your definition involves reading a persons mind to anticipate their needs before they ask. I'm not a mind reader, so my definition is different. I can take initiative for myself: I quit that job I described earlier and found something that paid better. But I don't know exactly how to help my partner unless she articulates that. 

No, my definition doesn't involve reading a person's mind - it involves observation.  If you observed her carrying boxes and being exhausted, it should be clear that it's time to step up and start lifting boxes.

If you see that your boss has something to do which you know you can help with, you directly ask if you can do it for them.  I remember years ago when I was working as a new reconciler.  I'd done all my work but saw that my boss had a massive amount of computer printouts for an admin account which was in an utter mess.  I asked if I could take a look and they said it would be too hard.  I gave it some time, got their trust, then asked again.  This time they gave it to me and I fixed it.  It's not mind reading, it's observation.  The same observation can be used at work with a calendar or your watch: perhaps a particular thing happens at a certain time of the month or year or day.  End of day procedures, stocktake, EOFY etc.  There's a whole lot of stuff which you know needs to be done, so offer to do some of it. This is the kind of stuff your boss would have been talking about.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Chicken Dinner said:

You spent 12 hours under a beating sun of 36C helping move mattresses and appliances for a man who is now your ex. What did it get you. I'm not against helping her move, but I need her to communicate what she needs. I have asked. 

What is your point here? It's not because a long term relationship ended that it was not worth investing in it ! I happenned to have been happy in that previous relationship. 

I am in a different relationship now and l am 100% committed and if it ends then it ends but while l'm in it l'm all in.

What's the alternative? To never fully commit because one day the relationship may end?

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Chicken Dinner said:

You spent 12 hours under a beating sun of 36C helping move mattresses and appliances for a man who is now your ex. What did it get you. I'm not against helping her move, but I need her to communicate what she needs. I have asked as recently as today and mostly she's said, I just need this small thing here or there and I'm good.

Do you want to be in the relationship or do you want to be right?   Thing is, this problem is going to keep cropping up in future workplaces and relationships because observing what's needed is a basic skill.

Have you heard the term "chivalry"?  To be clear, I believe both men and women can and should be chivalrous in a relationship and in life - observing when another needs help and just getting in there.  It seems your girlfriend doesn't want a lot but she does need you to be chivalrous on occasion.

What's stopping you from observing when your help is required?

Edited April 26 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, your thinking about this is wrong. You don't ask someone moving if they need help. 

People moving need huge amounts of help! Unless they are rich and can afford movers. 

You get yourself over there and co-pack with her. Literally you should be doing half the packing. That's what partners do. 

Now you're right that your partner needs to ask for help more aggressively. And she shouldn't turn you down. 

BTW: this is not mindreading. This is basic relationship responsibility. Like if she gets sick and ends in the hospital, you get yourself there to the hospital and you find out about her treatment and you basically stay as long as you can (of course, you'll go to work). Or let's say a parent dies. The other partner jumps in and helps--there is always a ton of work needed when someone dies. Some of the work is just listening to your partner and hugging them over and over again and helping them get food and all of that.

Same with moving .

I know you think we're exaggerating, but I'll tell you: no one with a modest amount of confidence will put up with a partner who doesn't help- them-close to 50-50-- move. I'm a guy and I wouldn't put up with a woman who doesn't jump in and really do some hard work alongside me. 

And yes, your gf is definitely troubled if she does not ask you for more help. So basically both of you are immature here. 

Edited April 26 by Lotsgoingon