No more gorgeous?

[SunnySide0418]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Ditto the previous praise for this insight. OMG. Totally on the money.

I do think there is a reverse dynamic as well. Guys miss out that when a woman suddenly goes a bit quiet or withdrawn or not interested in touch that something is up with her!

He did say he thought I was minimizing what we had by making that sparky comment.  It could have been discussed rather than texting.  We both agree on that.  He's definitely acting differently.. mentally I'm preparing for it to end. 

[Alpacalia]

So he felt you were being bratty with the snarky comment and then he ignores you for a week? That doesn't seem very mature. Well he didn't know how to handle it and instead of discussing it, he just shut down. That's not a good problem solving technique. I would be concerned about how he handles conflicts and disagreements in the future.

Edited March 26 by Alpacalia

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,

It's not desperate to mention that he stopped saying "gorgeous" because you're not asking about this from the perspective of I should always be worshipped. You'd be asking about the missing "gorgeous" language because you are feeling distant from him and he's being vague and because you guys recently had a huge argument.

Your relationship is at a crisis point. Whether you look "desperate" or "confident" is wholly beside the point right now. You need to probe to find out what's going on. 

 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said:

It's not that I want a temporary relationship.  I just don't want marriage

Sorry for insisting but it's not clear to me. You called him Mr. Right now but you don't want a temporary relationship. Mr. Right now means a temporary relationship. Not wanting marriage does not mean you don't want a long term committed relationship. So, why call him Mr. Right now? 

So he got defensive when you asked him why he wanted to get in therapy and you added the ice on top of that with your 'I know my place'. And what did you mean by that?

 

[SunnySide0418]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

So he felt you were being bratty with the snarky comment and then he ignores you for a week? That doesn't seem very mature. Well he didn't know how to handle it and instead of discussing it, he just shut down. That's not a good problem solving technique. I would be concerned about how he handles conflicts and disagreements in the future.

You're exactly right and that does concern me.  He said he shut down and when I asked how or was so easy for him to just go no contact for a week and he said he has the unfortunate ability to be able to put a wall up easily.  That's one of the things he wants to work on in therapy. I'm about done.  If he calls me I'll see how it goes but this is BS. 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said:

You're exactly right and that does concern me.  He said he shut down and when I asked how or was so easy for him to just go no contact for a week and he said he has the unfortunate ability to be able to put a wall up easily.  That's one of the things he wants to work on in therapy. I'm about done.  If he calls me I'll see how it goes but this is BS. 

I say this because I have insight into this behavior where I can shut down and not talk about something. But part of moving past that is recognizing that and talking through the issue rather than avoiding it. 

Most guys don't like too much emotional rattling for example, "What are you feeling?" when he's not used to talking openly about his feelings, most don't. But shutting down and avoiding issues is not a successful way to handle conflicts either. It's a HUGE thing to go one week without a word when you're in a committed relationship. It creates a bridge that is very hard to patch. There is some good insight here thus far from other members about why what you said bugged him but the only way your relationship will work is if he learns to vocalize that without needing to go MIA for a week.

Now, he may not be that person who you can count on to do that. This is very important for you to know if you're going to be a couple and not parade around worried about everything you freak out your partner with.
 

[SunnySide0418]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Sorry for insisting but it's not clear to me. You called him Mr. Right now but you don't want a temporary relationship. Mr. Right now means a temporary relationship. Not wanting marriage does not mean you don't want a long term committed relationship. So, why call him Mr. Right now? 

So he got defensive when you asked him why he wanted to get in therapy and you added the ice on top of that with your 'I know my place'. And what did you mean by that?

 

I know it was dumb to discuss via text but that's what we were doing.  I shouldn't have said Mr. Right now but how is that relevant anyway? When I felt he wasn't willing to divulge more I was insulted as I had just gone through a mastectomy in Jan and got really vulnerable with him.  So at that moment I felt like I was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to tell feelings too. Right or wrong that's how I felt in the moment.  But we discussed all that and agreed we should have had a conversation instead of things getting blown out of proportion via text. None of it matters at this point. It's obvious he isn't feeling it any longer.  Let's see how long it takes him to tell me 😀.

Edited March 26 by SunnySide0418

[SunnySide0418]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I say this because I have insight into this behavior where I can shut down and not talk about something. But part of moving past that is recognizing that and talking through the issue rather than avoiding it. 

Most guys don't like too much emotional rattling for example, "What are you feeling?" when he's not used to talking openly about his feelings, most don't. But shutting down and avoiding issues is not a successful way to handle conflicts either. It's a HUGE thing to go one week without a word when you're in a committed relationship. It creates a bridge that is very hard to patch. There is some good insight here thus far from other members about why what you said bugged him but the only way your relationship will work is if he learns to vocalize that without needing to go MIA for a week.

Now, he may not be that person who you can count on to do that. This is very important for you to know if you're going to be a couple and not parade around worried about everything you freak out your partner with.
 

We never had the commitment talk.  But we did talk daily. 

[Gaeta]

Just now, SunnySide0418 said:

I know it was dumb to discuss via text but that's what we were doing.  I shouldn't have said Mr. Right now but how is that relevant anyway? When I felt he wasn't willing to divulge more I was insulted as I had just gone through a mastectomy in Jan and got really vulnerable with him.  So at that moment I felt like I was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to tell feelings too. Right or wrong that's how I felt in the moment.  But we discussed all that and agreed we should have had a conversation instead of things getting blown out of proportion via text. 

It's relevant in terms of understanding what type of relationship you're in. It was not clear to me if this was a casual dating (Mr. Right now) or an exclusive relationship. I would not expect much from a man that I casually dated and I would be gone after 1 week of silence. 

Is this man your ex? I am asking because you have a thread about getting back with your ex and now you're sharing having a mastectomy (very sorry to hear) in January and you mention being vulnerable with him during that time, that would make him a 1 month boyfriend in January. I also notice your initial post was done under a  new profile, maybe you did not want us to make the connection with your ex. 

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said:

We never had the commitment talk.  But we did talk daily. 

You're questioning why he stopped calling you gorgeous where he's communicating to you on a more substantive level asking if he can vent his feelings to you, how he feels you don't need to know every nitty gritty detail about his past so that you'll accept him and then support him. This isn't about the word gorgeous but about what you meant by "I know my place" that turned him off. You also have been together five months. But he finally opened up to you. See what I mean? What exactly is "your place"? Fun night out? I'm going to bed?

"I know my place" could be interpreted in many different ways depending on the context of the conversation. You're also questioning his commitment to you. Unless he's given you reason not to trust him, he probably doesn't want to feel like you're saying he's not fully committed to you at this point. Of course you're wanting to know where you stand, but it's only for 5 months. Had you had reasons to doubt his level of commitment before this? I mean, you say you don't want marriage. You're (for all intents and purposes) in a committed relationship, so what sort of long-term situation are you really after here? 

I think you're feeling he's not 100% committed to you. That is the discussion you should have instead of drawing a line in the sand around that phrase "I know my place".

Edited March 26 by Alpacalia

[SunnySide0418]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's relevant in terms of understanding what type of relationship you're in. It was not clear to me if this was a casual dating (Mr. Right now) or an exclusive relationship. I would not expect much from a man that I casually dated and I would be gone after 1 week of silence. 

Is this man your ex? I am asking because you have a thread about getting back with your ex and now you're sharing having a mastectomy (very sorry to hear) in January and you mention being vulnerable with him during that time, that would make him a 1 month boyfriend in January. I also notice your initial post was done under a  new profile, maybe you did not want us to make the connection with your ex. 

Not at all.. I was having issues getting into my original profile so I created this one so I could get the question out there. Nothing to hide here. This guy and I have been dating since Nov but yes,  I was considering getting back together with an ex.  I decided against that after a couple conversations.  The dating with this new guy has been atypical due to my cancer that was diagnosed 2 months after meeting him.  I'm OK now and praying it stays that way.  We never defined what we are so I say dating.  

Edited March 26 by SunnySide0418

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no substitute for the conversation defining the relationship and defining the commitment..  What, do both of have some kind of deep insecurity going.

The point of such a discussion is to make clear your commitment to each other, your goals and so on. Such a discussion would have given you guys some floor beneath you against which you can have serious discussions and know the relationship isn't necessarily in jeopardy. 

Doesn't matter if you spent every day together--you gotta have the relationship discussion. That was really immature of both of your parts. 

BTW: there are plenty of people out there who can hang with someone for quite a long time with no intent to be exclusive or long term. 

This guy admits he shuts down. OK, thinking about him again, that says something about him. Doesn't mean he hates you. It means he gets terrified when there is conflict. His reaction can drive partners nuts, I know. If you want to stay with him, you'll need to be (at least for the near future) the one who invites him back in, the one who takes the initiative to reconcile because he's basically paralyzed and numb right now. 

Which raises the question: How much do you really like this guy? If you knew that he was interested in opening up again (but takes time to do so) would you be interested in dating him some more?