mortensorchid Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 I was talking to a buddy of mine the other night. He told the famous tale of Bucket and Earl (which I may or may not have referenced here in thr past). For the sake of redundancy- his Granny had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the first was Bucket but she married Earl. Long story short, she and Bucket were very passionately in love and it was obvious to all around them. I will not get into the specifics of how and why it didn't happen, but it didn't. His Granny ended up marrying this other guy Earl because he was dependable and solid, but they were never in love the same way that she and Bucket were. I thought about that... They were different people so of course the dynamic they created with one another was different. He referenced my own Bucket and Earl stories. My Bucket was the love of my life, I still cry thinking about him and it's been almost 20 years since he's been gone. I had 2 other boyfriends after him, the second was an Earl. We didn't have the same passion for each other that Bucket and I did. As a matter of fact we almost disregarded each other where people thought we were just friends - only when we held hands or kissed did people realize that we were that. I have a boyfriend now, been together for the last year and 3/4s. We're happy, he's a good man. My buddy asked me if he can replace Bucket or is he an Earl? I said he's in between, he's more than an Earl to be sure. But ... he's no Bucket. Can it be that there is just one Bucket for us all? Now listen, I have had passionate crushes on others, I have had some wild nights of animal lust for some dirty scene boys. But this is a real man not some perpetual child. Part of me thinks Bucket was a perpetual child and still thinks that. Can there be only one Bucket in someone's life? What do others think? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 You may be sabotaging your current relationship by comparing your boyfriend to a guy from your past. Your enduring attachment to the "Bucket" character is a matter of choice. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 Bucket probably would have turned out to be a cheater, unreliable & unkind. The Buckets of my life have all dissapointed me. Your Bucket is a fairy tale. You're a grown woman it's time to stop beleiving in unique love and prince charming. A person should not love today as they did 29 years ago. A human being needs to evolve and love deeper and smarter. If our Bucket isn't in our life anymore it means he was not worth it. He may have been your Bucket, but you were not his. Love is a decision. It's in your hands to make your current boyfriend you're Bucket. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 14 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I was talking to a buddy of mine the other night. He told the famous tale of Bucket and Earl (which I may or may not have referenced here in thr past). For the sake of redundancy- his Granny had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the first was Bucket but she married Earl. Long story short, she and Bucket were very passionately in love and it was obvious to all around them. I will not get into the specifics of how and why it didn't happen, but it didn't. His Granny ended up marrying this other guy Earl because he was dependable and solid, but they were never in love the same way that she and Bucket were. I thought about that... They were different people so of course the dynamic they created with one another was different. He referenced my own Bucket and Earl stories. My Bucket was the love of my life, I still cry thinking about him and it's been almost 20 years since he's been gone. I had 2 other boyfriends after him, the second was an Earl. We didn't have the same passion for each other that Bucket and I did. As a matter of fact we almost disregarded each other where people thought we were just friends - only when we held hands or kissed did people realize that we were that. I have a boyfriend now, been together for the last year and 3/4s. We're happy, he's a good man. My buddy asked me if he can replace Bucket or is he an Earl? I said he's in between, he's more than an Earl to be sure. But ... he's no Bucket. Can it be that there is just one Bucket for us all? Now listen, I have had passionate crushes on others, I have had some wild nights of animal lust for some dirty scene boys. But this is a real man not some perpetual child. Part of me thinks Bucket was a perpetual child and still thinks that. Can there be only one Bucket in someone's life? What do others think? I’ve always found that segregation of love into “passionate madness” and “reliable marriage material” artificial and ultimately untrue. The division of love interests into “Buckets” and “Earls” is a false dichotomy. What’s certain is that there are, indeed, qualities such as “bucketness” and “earlness”, but they are in a state of a constant flux. A “Bucket” can very well acquire “earlness” without losing his “bucketness”. The reverse can happen as well, though to me personally, “bucketness” has to be there from the very beginning and be mutual, otherwise it won’t work. In my opinion, there is someone there who can be your “Bucket” and your “Earl” at once. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 For "buckets" - since people are not all the same, there might be more than one answer. Neurological and psychological differences might mean some people can have only 1 "bucket" while others can have more than one, and for some likely none. That's my view on your main question. In passing I'll point out that (having looked up a few of my "past loves") after 3 decades the person you loved back then no longer exists. Bucket will have changed in various ways, he might have some core elements of his personality that attracted you still, he might still be childish/irresponsible etc, but no one goes through that long a period of time unchanged. He might have "settled down," might have lost his hair and gained a giant potbelly, might have a permanent disability, might be homeless, etc, etc. "You can never go back" as the saying goes. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted March 21 Author Share Posted March 21 I will not ruin anything with foolish things over past mistakes or whatever else. The past is the past and I have a good man now who loves me and I him. But I wonder if there can ever be another Bucket in life, not just for me but others. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 I agree that this is a false dichotomy. People/relationships don't fall into neat little categories like this. Each relationship has its own unique character and unique dynamic. It's a waste of time to compare boyfriends to past boyfriends. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 26 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: I will not ruin anything with foolish things over past mistakes or whatever else. The past is the past and I have a good man now who loves me and I him. But I wonder if there can ever be another Bucket in life, not just for me but others. For the sake of arguing. What did 'Bucket' brought to your life that your current boyfriend doesn't? Maybe it's not about them, but about you. I fell deeply in love more than once in my life, I think I am able to do that because I free myself of the past. Maybe you don't see your current boyfriend as your 'Bucket' because you have not freed yourself of your past Bucket. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 (edited) I've had a lot of buckets they were too incompatible for the long haul...intense passion always seems to fizzle out pretty quickly. Buckets are short term IMO. It was fun while it lasted. Just because it was intense doesn't mean it was a good thing. We are always cray cray in the brain in those early months. Edited March 21 by smackie9 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 I do not believe that there is "only one true love" and also I have evidence to back up the fact that for me and a lot of people, that feeling that you are describing you had for "bucket" is youthful fantasy, which does not have anything to do with actual an relationship. It's like when you believed in the tooth fairy or Santa Claus. Don't compare it to actual interpersonal relationships. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 The concept of "the one that got away" has been around forever. Everyone has some sort of nostalgia. This seems like midlife crisis and thinking back to more innocent, carefree youthful days and who represents that. Instead of a thinking of bucket as a particular person, try to think of it as a particular era when you were happier and freer. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 If the love with Bucket was mutually wonderful, you'd still be together. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 18 hours ago, mortensorchid said: Can there be only one Bucket in someone's life? You do a good thread so you do, The best answer I can give is that I dont know the answer, Ive definitely had the one Bucket- and Ive had the Earl - most likely I will not grow old with either- although neither may fade away into oblivion either- literally or metaphorically. Id like to think there is another bucket out there- have I met her yet- I could have met her in life, I could have met her on an online forum, there are some random interesting people crossing my path, As I say I dont know the answer , but If I had to say either way - Id say yes there can be more than one. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 19 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I said he's in between, he's more than an Earl to be sure. But ... he's no Bucket. This is perfect and I suspect what most healthy relationships entail. Enough attraction / passion and enough stability to keep things going. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted March 21 Author Share Posted March 21 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: For the sake of arguing. What did 'Bucket' brought to your life that your current boyfriend doesn't? Maybe it's not about them, but about you. I fell deeply in love more than once in my life, I think I am able to do that because I free myself of the past. Maybe you don't see your current boyfriend as your 'Bucket' because you have not freed yourself of your past Bucket. Bucket and I had an intense passion for one another, we were just lit from the moment we met. Now of course that could happen with anyone, and that can be pure lust. Over time, however, since like in all situations, infatuation wears off. And he had never been in a long term relationship with anyone in his life that lasted more than 6-8 weeks. He didn't know that those things happen to each other, and when it was not exciting anymore, he thought something was wrong with both of us. He used that rather hilarious saying "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you". I tried very hard to make it work. And then he moved away (almost 20 years ago now), and he tried to come back when he was in town a few years later. I said no and that was the end. Nostalgia, as I found out with not just him but others, is dangerous. Memories are dangerous things because they can and do cloud things - sometimes you refuse to see who that person is now and base it on who they were to you during a certain point in life. And I fully recognize that now with Bucket. But because that experience exists, he will always be my Bucket. My man now is wonderful. He's a good guy. Both of us thought that we were both done (he had a gf he was off and on with for 15 years, I hadn't been with anyone for at least 10 - 12 years), we're so happy we found each other. We are happy and I'm not going to let my memories of Bucket come between me and him, I can't compare him to him either because he's a different person than Bucket is/was. Just like the next guy and how many countless other internet dates I've had in the past. I will always love Bucket, I still do, but in a different way now. And yes, if it was meant to be we'd still be together. But I still tear up thinking about him, like I am now, because ... He was my Bucket. In my case I believe that there was only one Bucket, but it doesn't mean that I can't have another love in my life either. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 4 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: I will always love Bucket, I still do, but in a different way now. And yes, if it was meant to be we'd still be together. But I still tear up thinking about him, like I am now, because ... He was my Bucket. How long did you date Bucket? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 14 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: Bucket and I had an intense passion for one another, we were just lit from the moment we met. Now of course that could happen with anyone, and that can be pure lust. Over time, however, since like in all situations, infatuation wears off. And he had never been in a long term relationship with anyone in his life that lasted more than 6-8 weeks. He didn't know that those things happen to each other, and when it was not exciting anymore, he thought something was wrong with both of us. He used that rather hilarious saying "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you". I tried very hard to make it work. And then he moved away (almost 20 years ago now), and he tried to come back when he was in town a few years later. I said no and that was the end. Nostalgia, as I found out with not just him but others, is dangerous. Memories are dangerous things because they can and do cloud things - sometimes you refuse to see who that person is now and base it on who they were to you during a certain point in life. And I fully recognize that now with Bucket. But because that experience exists, he will always be my Bucket. My man now is wonderful. He's a good guy. Both of us thought that we were both done (he had a gf he was off and on with for 15 years, I hadn't been with anyone for at least 10 - 12 years), we're so happy we found each other. We are happy and I'm not going to let my memories of Bucket come between me and him, I can't compare him to him either because he's a different person than Bucket is/was. Just like the next guy and how many countless other internet dates I've had in the past. I will always love Bucket, I still do, but in a different way now. And yes, if it was meant to be we'd still be together. But I still tear up thinking about him, like I am now, because ... He was my Bucket. In my case I believe that there was only one Bucket, but it doesn't mean that I can't have another love in my life either. If you were just occasionally reminiscing Bucket with fondness and gratitude, there would be no problem. But you are posting a topic about Bucket on a forum. Your “But… he’s no Bucket” phrase in the initial post sounds sad. You tear up thinking about him. Most importantly, you say that you’ll always love Bucket, that you still do. Now, this sounds like you’re still having some unresolved issues. Like you need some closure. I had a very “bucketish” relationship when I was 20, and for a while I thought, too, that there could only be one Bucket (Bucketta?) for me. Many years have passed, and I realized that wasn’t true. I believe now that a good romantic relationship should contain both bucketish and earlish aspects. It appears to me that the bucketish aspect is too weak in your current relationship. It’s like you can’t get over that Bucket of yours. Like that Bucket from your youth has a monopoly on bucketness in your heart. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted March 22 Author Share Posted March 22 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: How long did you date Bucket? 2 years. But I still saw him for another 3 before he moved away. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 On 3/20/2024 at 10:35 PM, mortensorchid said: I was talking to a buddy of mine the other night. He told the famous tale of Bucket and Earl (which I may or may not have referenced here in thr past). For the sake of redundancy- his Granny had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the first was Bucket but she married Earl. Long story short, she and Bucket were very passionately in love and it was obvious to all around them. I will not get into the specifics of how and why it didn't happen, but it didn't. His Granny ended up marrying this other guy Earl because he was dependable and solid, but they were never in love the same way that she and Bucket were. I thought about that... They were different people so of course the dynamic they created with one another was different. He referenced my own Bucket and Earl stories. My Bucket was the love of my life, I still cry thinking about him and it's been almost 20 years since he's been gone. I had 2 other boyfriends after him, the second was an Earl. We didn't have the same passion for each other that Bucket and I did. As a matter of fact we almost disregarded each other where people thought we were just friends - only when we held hands or kissed did people realize that we were that. I have a boyfriend now, been together for the last year and 3/4s. We're happy, he's a good man. My buddy asked me if he can replace Bucket or is he an Earl? I said he's in between, he's more than an Earl to be sure. But ... he's no Bucket. Can it be that there is just one Bucket for us all? Now listen, I have had passionate crushes on others, I have had some wild nights of animal lust for some dirty scene boys. But this is a real man not some perpetual child. Part of me thinks Bucket was a perpetual child and still thinks that. Can there be only one Bucket in someone's life? What do others think? Versions of what you e talked around have been around for a long time. One is the pure passion/ physical chemistry and the other is the great companion using/ Yang you work well together in the emotional love component. those are the two ends of the love/ Romance spectrum. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted March 22 Author Share Posted March 22 I have to accept the fact that I will never get over it bit can't let it stop me from living. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 I don't think that you're the first person to have a little special place for that one person in your life. Kind of akin to first loves having a special place in their hearts. It sounds like your Bucket was someone like that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 37 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: I have to accept the fact that I will never get over it bit can't let it stop me from living. If l were you l would look deeper into this. Some guy got you giggling 20 years ago, it could not have been this amazing he broke up after 2 years and that has become your definition of what real love is. Morten: What has been your longest relationship? It looks a little bit like you're going in self sabotage mode. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 Two of my past relationships stand out from the others. I was passionately in love with both of them and it took several years in both cases to get over them. Those feelings are now just memories that rarely pop up, and when they do they pass right on by. My feelings in my current relationship of over 4 years hold all the love (for a partner), romance, and passion that I have to give. There is no room for those feelings for anyone in my past, and no interest in anyone else. Because of my own experience, no, I don't believe there can be only one. I don't understand how you can be happy and satisfied in your current relationship while still holding on so tightly to someone from the past. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 one of these days, when i have time to dedicate to this, i'll tell you the one story that goes against all the very valid opinions on here. that someone from our "childhood" and 20 years ago is romanticising and a fairy tale, and they aren't even the same person anymore. it's true. except when it isn't. i've fought and struggled with this exact same notion, for about the same time (since about 2002), always having her in the back of my mind, never being able to make my heart stop feeling. i truly thought about (recently) seeking therapy to be still thinking so deeply of someone like that. well, she came back. and somehow, it is exactly the same, both of us are, and always have been, and the pain that i felt for 20 years? turns out she was doing the same, and believing she was crazy and it was stupid to think any of it was real. never believe in "the exceptions" and especially never believe your story is different, because i fought for decades convincing myself that my story wasn't unique and that i was just insane, and somehow it turned out that this particular time, it is the exception. so yes, "bucket" exists, and also "bucket" is a fairy tale. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted March 22 Share Posted March 22 2 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I have to accept the fact that I will never get over it bit can't let it stop me from living. A recent book called Power of regret was published. it’s normal to have regret or ehat ifs. with relationships over the years I have had my share of what ifs and how my life might have been different. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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