Perspective

[ZA Dater]

13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Sure, if you’re looking for a relationship. But you were asking about breakfast.

Unattractive relationship versus great breakfast. My entire strategy if you can call it that is really about trying to get as much of what I like as much of the time, relatively speaking it's more probable someone I find attractive will go to breakfast with me than sleep with me.

These recent posts have really made me think, I am going to try follow up on the "let's meet for coffee" but I also need to decide probability she'd actually want to go on a date, I am not prepared to throw away the odd good conversation because I over reached.

[ZA Dater]

Just now, basil67 said:

We all think there is no compromise because you give your descriptions in a very uncompromising way.   If you'd date a 5'4 woman, why did you even bring height into the equation of what you're looking for in a woman?

Because I'd prefer someone my height. My past gf was shorter than me and I found it off putting and for what its worth she was not slim either. 

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Because I'd prefer someone my height. My past gf was shorter than me and I found it off putting and for what its worth she was not slim either. 

So you don't want someone who's 5'4?   What in earth is off putting about a woman who's not your own height?  

The more I read about what you want, the more uncompromising you sound

 

[FredEire]

18 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Unattractive relationship versus great breakfast. My entire strategy if you can call it that is really about trying to get as much of what I like as much of the time, relatively speaking it's more probable someone I find attractive will go to breakfast with me than sleep with me.

These recent posts have really made me think, I am going to try follow up on the "let's meet for coffee" but I also need to decide probability she'd actually want to go on a date, I am not prepared to throw away the odd good conversation because I over reached.

One thing I think you need to learn is to throw all this weighing up pros and cons and likely reactions etc in the bin.

You want to invite a girl out for coffee? Do it! If she says no or ghosts you it matters not a jot. Let the chips fall where they may.

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

My entire strategy if you can call it that is really about trying to get as much of what I like as much of the time, relatively speaking it's more probable someone I find attractive will go to breakfast with me than sleep with me.

This has been your strategy for pretty much the close to 10 years since you’ve been posting here. Do you still talk to “K”? 
 

One thing we can both agree on is that your strategy definitely doesn’t work. It never has; it never will. 

[ZA Dater]

15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This has been your strategy for pretty much the close to 10 years since you’ve been posting here. Do you still talk to “K”? 
 

One thing we can both agree on is that your strategy definitely doesn’t work. It never has; it never will. 

I do she is still with the same bf and happy so I am happy for her.

It works to some extent just won't ever give me what I actually would like.  

[basil67]

@ZA Dater you say you feel bad about saying no when a woman who you're not interested in wants a hookup.  You need to get over it!  For those who initiate casual sex with virtual strangers, getting swatted away is par for course.  If rejection upset them, they wouldn't be doing it.  

Women learn to bat horny men away when they are quite young and I daresay none give a second thought to it.   Same goes for guys - if there's an unwanted horny woman, shooing her away shouldn't even rate losing a brain cell over.   

Edited April 2 by basil67

[ZA Dater]

17 minutes ago, FredEire said:

One thing I think you need to learn is to throw all this weighing up pros and cons and likely reactions etc in the bin.

You want to invite a girl out for coffee? Do it! If she says no or ghosts you it matters not a jot. Let the chips fall where they may.

It actually does because it's extremely difficult for me to find people so it's better to be conservative and modest in terms of what I'd like to happen...

 

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

It works to some extent just won't ever give me what I actually would like.  

It’s never worked. You end up feeling worse about yourself because you remain in the friendzone but want more. You feel rejected when they pick someone else. 

[ZA Dater]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@ZA Dater you say you feel bad about saying no when a woman who you're not interested in wants a hookup.  You need to get over it!  For those who initiate casual sex with virtual strangers, getting swatted away is par for course.  If rejection upset them, they wouldn't be doing it.  

Women learn to bat horny men away when they are quite young and I daresay none give a second thought to it.   Same goes for guys - if there's an unwanted horny woman, shooing her away shouldn't even rate losing a brain cell over.   

I still feel bad, rejection is never nice for anyone and I do feel bad rejecting people because I know how bad it feels. Am always torn with these hookups because it's just not what I'd be comfortable doing from a moral perspective. It would be different if I could actually have something in common.

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s never worked. You end up feeling worse about yourself because you remain in the friendzone but want more. You feel rejected when they pick someone else. 

They going to pick someone else anyway I just get to not feel like an idiot. What I probably need to work in is accepting I can't have more, which is difficult but I think could do it. 

[basil67]

Just now, ZA Dater said:

I still feel bad, rejection is never nice for anyone and I do feel bad rejecting people because I know how bad it feels. Am always torn with these hookups because it's just not what I'd be comfortable doing from a moral perspective. It would be different if I could actually have something in common.

You're projecting your own issues.   If someone has the balls to be hitting up a virtual stranger for sex, they are pretty much bulletproof.  They aren't going to feel bad because they aren't emotionally invested or even particularly interested in the person.  

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

What I probably need to work in is accepting I can't have more, which is difficult but I think could do it. 

This is also a strategy you’ve been trying for the close to 10 years since you’ve been posting and it hasn’t worked yet. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Hasn’t worked yet; won’t work moving forward.

[basil67]

47 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

These recent posts have really made me think, I am going to try follow up on the "let's meet for coffee" but I also need to decide probability she'd actually want to go on a date, I am not prepared to throw away the odd good conversation because I over reached.

You said that the planned breakfast kept getting postponed because life got in the way.   If she was actually keen on you, she would have prioritised getting together.  Further, if she can't easily make time for breakfast with you, then she can't make time for romance. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

True and what I like is not going to change but some people are also universally attractive. Sure, agreed but equate that to my lack of success and it's even worse actually because it indicates even less interest. 

Inevitably I am always competing with someone. I can go with a degree of vulnerability but what does that actually accomplish? Someone with options will evaluate the one they like most and truthfully am I really a good option?

No, nobody is universally attractive. My mum finds Brad Pitt ugly and corny. Seriously.

You are competing with people but if a girl really wants you she will pick you above whatever other guys are in her DMs.

The issue though is the last sentence. You're not, no. But I think your looks are probably not high on the list of reasons why, neither is being struck down by the shadowy "sexual marketplace".

[ZA Dater]

Just now, Weezy1973 said:

This is also a strategy you’ve been trying for the close to 10 years since you’ve been posting and it hasn’t worked yet. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Hasn’t worked yet; won’t work moving forward.

Ah well I have also pretty much run our time, the options of people aren't getting better seemingly everyone has kids. Just accept I missed out, like millions of others. Dating isn't a right and nobody is entitled to it, at 40 I can't realistically learn what others did at 18 and there is not enough else good about me to make up for that. So yes I'll need to adopt some other strategy.

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

It actually does because it's extremely difficult for me to find people so it's better to be conservative and modest in terms of what I'd like to happen...

 

No it's not, fortune favours the brave. Assertiveness and lack of overthinking things to death is attractive.

[ZA Dater]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You said that the planned breakfast kept getting postponed because life got in the way.   If she was actually keen on you, she would have prioritised getting together.  Further, if she can't easily make time for breakfast with you, then she can't make time for romance. 

Because she has endless options. Better ones than me, that's the cold reality of it, once again I am not good enough. That's the truth, just like I wasn't good enough for any of the others either, all of which had options.

[ZA Dater]

Just now, FredEire said:

No it's not, fortune favours the brave. Assertiveness and lack of overthinking things to death is attractive.

It's never flavoured me ever at dating. 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Ah well I have also pretty much run our time, the options of people aren't getting better seemingly everyone has kids. Just accept I missed out, like millions of others. Dating isn't a right and nobody is entitled to it, at 40 I can't realistically learn what others did at 18 and there is not enough else good about me to make up for that. So yes I'll need to adopt some other strategy.

If that's your attitude you may as well just stop posting here. Given your tendencies I highly doubt you were all that optimistic when you were 20 either.

[FredEire]

Just now, ZA Dater said:

It's never flavoured me ever at dating. 

But there's very little suggesting you are brave or willing to try things, so that doesn't make much sense.

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

If that's your attitude you may as well just stop posting here. Given your tendencies I highly doubt you were all that optimistic when you were 20 either.

I was actually far more optimistic. I actually thought I had qualities which were worth something on terms of what people were looking for. I tried with people I liked but they were either never single or never interested.

No I learnt fun attitude and alcohol are very helpful, the former I don't have and the latter I don't enjoy.

I also learnt people will use my expertise and advice so I would get some attention from people I did find attractive.

Trust me, everyday I live with mountains of regrets.

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Because she has endless options. Better ones than me, that's the cold reality of it, once again I am not good enough. That's the truth, just like I wasn't good enough for any of the others either, all of which had options.

Yeah, we've heard all this moaning before.  Fact is, while you keep punching above your weight, the same outcome will keep coming your way.  

[ZA Dater]

Just now, basil67 said:

Yeah, we've heard all this moaning before.  Fact is, while you keep punching above your weight, the same outcome will keep coming your way.  

Well I am only interested in attractive people so it's a loss loss situation really. Here I thought one could overcome, apparently not. 

Thanks for your advice, I won't bother asking her to breakfast. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I also learnt people will use my expertise and advice so I would get some attention from people I did find attractive.

This is so messed up.  If you feel used by people wanting your expertise and advice, have them pay for your time.   But that you feel resentment at being used does not give you the right to use others to get your own needs met. 

Two wrongs don't make a right.