When to Share Personal Information?

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Oh, to answer one of your questions directly there are a few cases I can think of when mentioning an issue right away can be good. Person #1 definitely wants children. Well they should early on ask if the other person also wants children, and they should nail down how much the other person wants children.

Or if someone is religious and that faith is central to their identity and their values, they should early on find out if the other person shares their values. These days lots of folks have a faith but don't need a partner to share the same faith. But if a particular kind of faith is central to your values, yeah, ask about that right away. Or to flip it toward the way you worded the question: disclose your own faith and its importance right away. 

One of my favorite therapists had this to say about disclosing. Imagine someone had a very messy room, but in general they had their life together. They're messy but not in hoarding mental illness territory. She thought it was OK for the person with the messy room to not show their room or talk about the room on a first date and maybe several more. She thought it was legit to show your strengths and then disclose the messy room later.  

All of us have something going on, some condition, some serious flaw or quirk. What's important is that we show up feeling like we are a good catch--and go from there. 

I suppose it's when you start integrating your life with someone that showing the "messy room" is essential.

So yes, by date 5 you for sure want to share that you've been married and divorced three times (just noting that as an example). Eventually, those messy parts of our lives will come out.

But maybe it's ok to wait to share them until the person is on board. I mean, everyone says how they hate when dating feels like an interview but in the same breath, I think part of dating is properly vetting so we don't get into relationships with people about whom we don't know anything.

I think our culture stigmatizes and shames people for having messy parts of their lives. But we *all* have them. 

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's not sad - it's reality. This is because radical honesty involves putting the negatives before the positives. In both life and business, this doesn't bring good results.  If you're a salesman, are you going to tell a consumer how many people have returned that item?  If you're dating and lead with the negatives, would you really expect them to give you second date?  In all parts of life, always put your best foot forward!   And if you're on the other end, it's "buyer beware"

The only that time putting negatives first is a good idea is if your work involves risk management.  

This is the absolute truth.

Slightly off the topic and OP I apologize,  going on dates with people in sales and marketing industry is for me at least, a very different experience because they do exactly as you state above.

Of course the other way to approach dating is to share very little information of a personal nature until you get some sort of idea if the person is attracted to you.

[Wiseman2]

Not sure about the "messy room" analogy. Unfortunately people who have a "to know me is to love me", mentality may only be hurting themselves in the long run if they believe once someone is in deep enough that red flags and deal breakers will be overlooked. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

This is the absolute truth.

Slightly off the topic and OP I apologize,  going on dates with people in sales and marketing industry is for me at least, a very different experience because they do exactly as you state above.

Which bit do they do?  Are you talking about presenting a positive spin?

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Of course the other way to approach dating is to share very little information of a personal nature until you get some sort of idea if the person is attracted to you.

How can one form attraction if their date shares very little personal information?  If I was on a date and the guy was a closed book, I'd finish my cup of tea and get away as soon as possible.  

On a good date, there is always exchange of information - it's part of the getting to know you process.  It's about staying away from negative information dumps.  It's about being friendly, keeping it light, and finding connection.  A person can't find connection or attraction if you give them nothing to connect to. 

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There may be a tendency when first meeting, getting to know someone to "put ones best foot forward".

It's honest but perhaps people would rather highlight more interesting things about themselves.For example hobbies and interests.

Probably very few people would admit to  "bed rotting" (yes, it's a thing, google it) or binging on Netflix all day, but probably everyone has these aspects. 

Yes, that is what I tend to stick to.

"Bed rotting," never heard of that term, apparently it's a tiktok coined term? I don't watch tiktok.

I enjoy relaxing in my nook with my dog in between school, work and taking care of a parent (and posting here lol).

Edited March 20 by Alpacalia

[happyhorizons]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I suppose it's when you start integrating your life with someone that showing the "messy room" is essential.

So yes, by date 5 you for sure want to share that you've been married and divorced three times (just noting that as an example). Eventually, those messy parts of our lives will come out.

But maybe it's ok to wait to share them until the person is on board. I mean, everyone says how they hate when dating feels like an interview but in the same breath, I think part of dating is properly vetting so we don't get into relationships with people about whom we don't know anything.

I think our culture stigmatizes and shames people for having messy parts of their lives. But we *all* have them. 

So true...everyone has SOMETHING that has not gone exactly to "plan" but isn't that just part of life in general all except the "messy room" of course (a room get's untidy then it MUST get back to being tidy soon thereafter LOL. Shouldn't most of this "getting to know one another" happen naturally over the course of a little time?

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Which bit do they do?  Are you talking about presenting a positive spin?

How can one form attraction if their date shares very little personal information?  If I was on a date and the guy was a closed book, I'd finish my cup of tea and get away as soon as possible.  

On a good date, there is always exchange of information - it's part of the getting to know you process.  It's about staying away from negative information dumps.  It's about being friendly, keeping it light, and finding connection.  A person can't find connection or attraction if you give them nothing to connect to. 

I think a person can be attractive without sharing their life story. You can talk about their career, their likes and dislikes and connect on this very superficial way until you are sure the person is actually attracted to you and vice versa. 

Oversharing serves no purpose, I have been there and done that, if anything people find it very off putting. There has to be a balance here. 

How are they different, well they market themselves better, communicate well at least the ones I have did. Yes, there is usually some positive spin.

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

So true...everyone has SOMETHING that has not gone exactly to "plan" but isn't that just part of life in general all except the "messy room" of course (a room get's untidy then it MUST get back to being tidy soon thereafter LOL. Shouldn't most of this "getting to know one another" happen naturally over the course of a little time?

 Oh yes.  My room is quite tidy (I clean and organize my house every week 😂).

I mean, that's how it's been in prior LTRS, it's kind of like you're having a conversation or doing an activity together and in the natural flow of things you discover a myriad of tidbits about that other person. Of course, like I mentioned earlier, there are some parts about me that I don't particularly share (which, as mentioned, might be frustrating for a partner).

I'm not sure about you, but finding the balance between sharing enough to be understood and keeping some parts of yourself private can be a tricky thing.

Edited March 20 by Alpacalia

[happyhorizons]

Tidy and organized are paramount for sure 😘.  I think in the end it just takes TIME and the whole "getting to know one another" CAN be a fun and exciting adventure.

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I suppose it's when you start integrating your life with someone that showing the "messy room" is essential.

There is too much variable in life to be worried about what someone may think of your habits and quirks. To use your analogy 'messy room': a potential dater may find it funny, endearing, or be annoyed by it. You can only be yourself and as you discover each other you adjust along the way, find a compromise, a middle. 

When we genuinely like each other it's rare a 'messy room' will scare them away. Are you worried about something specific?

 

[ZA Dater]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

There is too much variable in life to be worried about what someone may think of your habits and quirks. To use your analogy 'messy room': a potential dater may find it funny, endearing, or be annoyed by it. You can only be yourself and as you discover each other you adjust along the way, find a compromise, a middle. 

When we genuinely like each other it's rare a 'messy room' will scare them away. Are you worried about something specific?

 

Agree 100% with this, if you find the person attractive, enjoy spending time with them small thing like this should not be deal breakers however if there is a question mark about the person and you are not sure then yes things like this can indeed be deal breakers.

Ultimately though I suppose you need to consider the ease of finding an alternative, perhaps for some the ability to have choice means small things can be deal breakers.

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

but finding the balance between sharing enough to be understood and keeping some parts of yourself private can be a tricky thing.

Are we talking about a past trauma that affects today's behavior?

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, the answers on this thread are all so smart, so insightful.

The more I think of the "when to share/how much to share" issue, the more it seems that if we're relaxed and open and confident on a date, even if we're not talking about our "issue," a lot of what we're like (strengths and quirks) just comes through. My goal on a date is for enjoy sharing and listening. 

I don't have to officially announce all the traumas or health conditions in my life on a first date. But if I'm being real and open and relaxed, then later on when I reveal the details of my traumas or my health conditions, this information shouldn't come as a huge surprise to the other person. 

Heck sometimes in the course of telling funny stories or joking, a lot of what's going on with us will come through--if the other person knows how to listen. 

[Alpacalia]

LGO I appreciate that you disclosed some personal things about yourself and the thoughts behind them. And, learning to share once you know someone better and not off loading it in the first few dates, when it becomes small talk-- so important. I too am NOT the sum total of my afflictions. x

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Wow, the answers on this thread are all so smart, so insightful.

The more I think of the "when to share/how much to share" issue, the more it seems that if we're relaxed and open and confident on a date, even if we're not talking about our "issue," a lot of what we're like (strengths and quirks) just comes through. My goal on a date is for enjoy sharing and listening. 

I don't have to officially announce all the traumas or health conditions in my life on a first date. But if I'm being real and open and relaxed, then later on when I reveal the details of my traumas or my health conditions, this information shouldn't come as a huge surprise to the other person. 

Heck sometimes in the course of telling funny stories or joking, a lot of what's going on with us will come through--if the other person knows how to listen. 

The bold is incredibly insightful and I think true the more I think about it!

Edited March 20 by ZA Dater

[basil67]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I think a person can be attractive without sharing their life story. You can talk about their career, their likes and dislikes and connect on this very superficial way until you are sure the person is actually attracted to you and vice versa. 

Oversharing serves no purpose, I have been there and done that, if anything people find it very off putting. There has to be a balance here. 

How are they different, well they market themselves better, communicate well at least the ones I have did. Yes, there is usually some positive spin.

There is a large area between very superficial and oversharing.  This is where my attraction would be piqued.   

Very superficial discussion would not get to a second date

[basil67]

Going back to the messy room scenario.  If it was one room where they create and I could close the door, I'd cope if I really cared about them.  But if their whole house was messy, it would be a dealbreaker.   Also they probably wouldn't disclose it upfront because they don't see it as a problem

[Alpacalia]

I went to an archery event recently, going again soon and we were all talking so I was thinking about it, even though I wasn't on a date per se.  I was just friendly with the group. If I went on a date where we shot arrows that would be cool, and I said to someone I don't know, yes I do archery sometimes with friends as like a 'hobby'. But not on a regular basis.

One of the women and I got to talking one-on-one and she was telling me a recent dating experience about a guy who told her he was really into archery and how excited she was that she finally met someone who shared her interest. When they went on a date to do archery, the guy was actually terrible at it and then she lost interest because she felt like he lied to her. 

Edited March 20 by Alpacalia

[happyhorizons]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I went to an archery event recently, going again soon and we were all talking so I was thinking about it, even though I wasn't on a date per se.  I was just friendly with the group. If I went on a date where we shot arrows that would be cool, and I said to someone I don't know, yes I do archery sometimes with friends as like a 'hobby'. But not on a regular basis.

One of the women and I got to talking one-on-one and she was telling me a recent dating experience about a guy who told her he was really into archery and how excited she was that she finally met someone who shared her interest. When they went on a date to do archery, the guy was actually terrible at it and then she lost interest because she felt like he lied to her. 

More than likely, he was using "archery" as an IN to get her attention, etc.  Next time, I hope the guy picks something that he is actually DECENT at...LOL

[Lotsgoingon]

It's actually easy to fall into the trap that "archery" dude fell into.  You do an activity once or twice and you like it, and then, you think, hey the activity sounds cool,. So you mention the activity to a potential date even though you have barely joined the activity. The irony is archery dude probably had other activities that he was truly engaged in that he  didn't put forward because he was treating "archery" like a great item on a resume. 

Something sounds so familiar about this situation--which means I likely did this (and got exposed for exaggerating) when I was younger. 

 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

More than likely, he was using "archery" as an IN to get her attention, etc.  Next time, I hope the guy picks something that he is actually DECENT at...LOL

I think she was a bit too harsh. I mean, it's kind of a bummer if the guy wasn't great at archery, but to lose interest solely based on that seems a bit much. Plus, she could have taken it as an opportunity to teach him or bond over a shared interest. 

But on the other hand, I understand her frustration if she had specifically been looking for someone who was into archery. I just thought that maybe she shouldn't have put so much emphasis on their shared interest and instead focused on getting to know the guy as a person.

A bit off topic, but it did make me think about the idea of what to share with someone you're interested in, especially in the early stages of dating. Ah who cares, lol, people will either need to get their undies unbundled or see how silly some of this stuff is...

[happyhorizons]

23 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I think she was a bit too harsh. I mean, it's kind of a bummer if the guy wasn't great at archery, but to lose interest solely based on that seems a bit much. Plus, she could have taken it as an opportunity to teach him or bond over a shared interest. 

But on the other hand, I understand her frustration if she had specifically been looking for someone who was into archery. I just thought that maybe she shouldn't have put so much emphasis on their shared interest and instead focused on getting to know the guy as a person.

A bit off topic, but it did make me think about the idea of what to share with someone you're interested in, especially in the early stages of dating. Ah who cares, lol, people will either need to get their undies unbundled or see how silly some of this stuff is...

She obviously had very high standards.  Let's be candid, it does extraordinary hand eye coordination to be an accomplished archer so she was looking for the top 10% for sure.🤨

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

When they went on a date to do archery, the guy was actually terrible at it and then she lost interest because she felt like he lied to her. 

And could it be that he actually enjoyed archery despite not being good at it?   I'm really into body surfing but there's a whole lot of waves which I don't catch.   I'm really into urban sketching despite only being a beginner.  I'd like to hope someone doesn't write me off as a liar just because I enjoy something I'm not good at

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And could it be that he actually enjoyed archery despite not being good at it?   I'm really into body surfing but there's a whole lot of waves which I don't catch.   I'm really into urban sketching despite only being a beginner.  I'd like to hope someone doesn't write me off as a liar just because I enjoy something I'm not good at

Oh yes, if a guy dumped me because I can't body surf well or I'm not good at urban sketching, that would definitely be a major NEXT. Enjoying something and being good at it are two different things. I'd say, good for someone for having high standards and knowing what she/he wants in a partner, but let's hope she/he also values other important qualities and doesn't solely focus on one skill. It's like wanting someone to be a great baker, but not caring if they have a good heart. The whole package matters.

PS. I love that you're into urban sketching! What a neat hobby!

Edited March 21 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

It's understandable why Ms archery princess is still single (and probably will stay that way). Overestimating your skills at some hobby is "lying". 🙄