When to Share Personal Information?

[Alpacalia]

Should you be radically honest with someone before physically intimacy? Say you're on medication for high blood pressure, would you tell someone you're about to be physical with that first? Do you tell them on a first date? Or when you feel like you're going to explore a relationship with this person? What about your financial status? Or any other personal information?

[Wiseman2]

There's an epidemic of TMI. Of course being real, authentic and honest is important, it's somewhat ridiculous to overdo it. For example a first date shouldn't be bringing a copy of your medical records or last years tax return. Let things unfold naturally. 

[Sony12]

There is no need to tell them anything that doesn't really have anything to do with your first couple of dates. 

 

[Weezy1973]

People have one night stands without even knowing each other’s names. Physical intimacy has no requirement for personal information attached, although probably a good idea to discuss if you have an STI. 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

People have one night stands without even knowing each other’s names. Physical intimacy has no requirement for personal information attached, although probably a good idea to discuss if you have an STI. 

That's true. I have no STI/STD's so not worried about that. I kind of feel like being radically honest with certain things just kind of takes the weight off my shoulders. I don't care if it scares someone away, but maybe it's more so feeling a sense of safety somewhat...it's like, if you have certain things about yourself that you only want close people to know then it's like a disappointment later if say, you're like, 'Oh yeah, I never told you...''

On the other hand, I can see how it may be necessary in other aspects (i.e. STI/STD's, certain medical conditions, etc). What if someone had cancer and it's in remission or has limited time on this earth, and the other person had no clue?

Or, what if you have childhood secrets that are really only for close loved ones to know, but the new person does not see it that way because they think you are hiding things rather than personal boundaries in your life...how do you handle certain situations, do you just be bold and face any consequences that may be there or do you just wing it?

[Weezy1973]

I think you share what you’re comfortable sharing. But I’d also examine why someone might be “radically honest” early into dating someone. Is it to alleviate anxiety? Is it to get all the “bad stuff” out of the way right away so rejection can come early while we’re not attached? Is it to force early “false intimacy” to try to (subconsciously) get the other person attached? Generally more details of our lives get revealed over time as trust builds.  

[Els]

It depends on your reasons.

If we're just considering ethical obligations to the other person, then I think the only things you NEED to talk about before you have sex are STIs and contraception. For instance, if you need them to wear a condom (or conversely, if you prefer them not to and you're on some other form of contraception), that's something that should be discussed and agreed upon before you're in the heat of the moment.

But if you feel like sharing anything else because it's what makes you feel comfortable... then sure, why not? There's no hard and fast rule for these things, you should do whatever feels right for you.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think you share what you’re comfortable sharing. But I’d also examine why someone might be “radically honest” early into dating someone. Is it to alleviate anxiety? Is it to get all the “bad stuff” out of the way right away so rejection can come early while we’re not attached? Is it to force early “false intimacy” to try to (subconsciously) get the other person attached? Generally more details of our lives get revealed over time as trust builds.  

Valid point. I tend not to disclose much of anything, albeit I am a bit more disclosing on these boards. Past partners have said that I am private and reserved. And I would say it’s not an absolute rule. Some people might prefer/have interest in the more “radical honesty” approach. There’s bound to be at least one person out there who wants to know everything - the full package of anxieties, dashed hopes, and cynical attitudes - right away. 

[ZA Dater]

In all honesty, "radical honesty" is something I have tried and never ever has it been well received. My suggestion is to disclose what is relevant at that point of the date, too much information can also scare people. Over disclosure can only work in my view if there is already a foundation for a relationship but radical honesty is unlikely to be something most will find attractive. Sad but I think true.

[Wiseman2]

It's very sad there's a lack of access to quality mental healthcare. Sometimes people use dating apps and meetings to unload all sorts of inappropriate stuff such as their exes supposed personality disorder or their list of ADHD, PTSD, attachment disorder, childhood trauma, etc.

So anyone who wants the full package of anxieties, dashed hopes, and cynical attitudes - right away or provides this is probably more in need of a therapist or good friend than a date.

"Radical Honesty" is just a popular self help book. But unless you're a pathological liar why wouldn't you generally be straight forward and forthcoming?

As far as "Radical Honesty" most neurologically intact adults have filters and know what to say and when. Those without filters may have problems with appropriateness. 

As far as having a sort of emotional constipation with a long term partner, it could be frustrating for the partner.

Edited March 19 by Wiseman2

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Valid point. I tend not to disclose much of anything, albeit I am a bit more disclosing on these boards. Past partners have said that I am private and reserved. And I would say it’s not an absolute rule. Some people might prefer/have interest in the more “radical honesty” approach. There’s bound to be at least one person out there who wants to know everything - the full package of anxieties, dashed hopes, and cynical attitudes - right away. 

Some personalities are simply more reserved than others NO RIGHT or WRONG just different.  Shouldn't these personal pieces be PART OF THE getting to know one another process? Isn't that beauty of getting the WHOLE of another person because WE ALL HAVE INDIVIDUAL peculiarities.

[Alpacalia]

51 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Some personalities are simply more reserved than others NO RIGHT or WRONG just different.  Shouldn't these personal pieces be PART OF THE getting to know one another process? Isn't that beauty of getting the WHOLE of another person because WE ALL HAVE INDIVIDUAL peculiarities.

Yeah. For one, I am a bit of a homebody. I used to be very social and in the lime light in my younger years. I had a lot of attention then, some good and some bad. I decided a few years ago I don't want or need that anymore. I like just cuddling in my cozy bedy with my blankets and my dog or just sitting outside observing the wild life. I am happy just being "in my own head" and introspecting, or listening to music or reading. 

I also have a few quirks that some may consider weird, like my love for organizing and my dislike for certain textures of food. 

[basil67]

I think the time you've spent with them before intimacy is part of the equation.

For example, if you and he are having sex after just one or a couple of dates, then you both go into it knowing that the other is still a virtual stranger.  As such, neither has the right to get into a snip because there was a dealbreaker they didn't know about.   And a virtual stranger doing some kind of full disclosure is just weird and oversharing.

But if you've been taking it slow and getting to know each other first, then an astute person will already have some pretty solid clues as to who you are and how you operate.  And you may have already alluded to some of this stuff during the getting to know you stage.  In this case, there's really no need to explain who you are.

Either way, I don't think there's any need for a full disclosure before intimacy.  

Speaking of your example of disclosing meds, I've read people say that they wouldn't date someone who has a mental illness.  As it so happens, I'm medicated for depression.  It's very effective and I'm symptom free.  So while I wouldn't hide it if the topic came up, I wouldn't disclose it as "something you should know".  If they get upset later that I didn't disclose something which doesn't affect them, well 'good riddance to bad rubbish'.  

[FMW]

Unless you have serious health or financial issues, I don't see any reason to share them until after you've been on a few dates and have established you might have something to build on.  The same goes whether or not you're physically intimate with them on those first few dates or not.  The only exception, as has been noted, would be STI information.  

After you've had a few dates then you can slowly start sharing more personal information.  Why open up your personal business to someone you may not see again after only a date or two?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

radical honesty is unlikely to be something most will find attractive. Sad but I think true.

It's not sad - it's reality. This is because radical honesty involves putting the negatives before the positives. In both life and business, this doesn't bring good results.  If you're a salesman, are you going to tell a consumer how many people have returned that item?  If you're dating and lead with the negatives, would you really expect them to give you second date?  In all parts of life, always put your best foot forward!   And if you're on the other end, it's "buyer beware"

The only that time putting negatives first is a good idea is if your work involves risk management.  

Edited March 19 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's not sad - it's reality. This is because radical honesty involves putting the negatives before the positives. In both life and business, this doesn't bring good results.  If you're a salesman, are you going to tell a consumer how many people have returned that item?  If you're dating and lead with the negatives, would you really expect them to give you second date?  In all parts of life, always put your best foot forward!   And if you're on the other end, it's "buyer beware"

The only that time putting negatives first is a good idea is if your work involves risk management.  

I love that analogy and I think it's spot on.

In certain situations, it's important to lead with the positives and focus on the benefits, rather than highlighting the potential negatives. It's a way of building trust and credibility, and it can help to get people on board.

I only bring this up because like I said, I rarely disclose everything in my personal life and for good reason with potential suitors.

They say that honesty is the best policy, but the reality is that there are times when it's not appropriate or beneficial to be completely upfront about everything. For one, I have to have a certain level of trust and credibility with someone before I feel comfortable being completely honest. There are some things, mostly from upbringing, that I have never disclosed with anyone albeit my close friends and family. But, I have also been criticized, well, maybe not criticized but more of judged by some for not sharing certain things about myself.

So, I can see where being completely honest all the time could be beneficial or could backfire.

[Foxhall]

Back when I was dating frequently and meeting lots of new people, I found it hard to be "radically honest" on the dates in the sense of opening up enough,

I found I could not answer a question such as "who are you" as I had a fear of being judged and would not match up to others or whatever, (thats one reason why I may have had struggles with the dating game)

Ive probably got to a point where I am happy sharing more now, if a person does not open up to a decent extent perhaps it becomes difficult to get to know them,

to make a person like you or to find is there any attraction a person has to be prepared to put their soul out there I suppose,

then there are some things that are better not said maybe, lol , for instance you know a certain amount of my history or my feelings for a particular woman,

would I be sharing that with you if I randomly met you on a hike or something,

to sum up I think we probably have to be open and share a lot but be careful not to self sabotage at the same time.

If you can get it all out there- all insecurities and negatives and then the person still likes you, then youve probably got a match,

sometimes honesty is great- when a lady said to me previously- " you know Im so lost" -If I could say one moment in my life where I fell in love- well maybe there have been two- but that was one of them. 

Vulnerability can bring connection.

 

 

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Yeah. For one, I am a bit of a homebody. I used to be very social and in the lime light in my younger years. I had a lot of attention then, some good and some bad. I decided a few years ago I don't want or need that anymore. I like just cuddling in my cozy bedy with my blankets and my dog or just sitting outside observing the wild life. I am happy just being "in my own head" and introspecting, or listening to music or reading. 

I also have a few quirks that some may consider weird, like my love for organizing and my dislike for certain textures of food. 

Being organized and structured is NOT A BAD THING I aspire to the same.  I think that there is a time and place for everything (going out versus chilling at home) and both are equally satisfying for sure.  OUR (each of us collective) quirks make us ALL unique in our own way which to me is a good thing.  I do doubt that you DON'T get much attention these days......🙂

[happyhorizons]

1 minute ago, Foxhall said:

Back when I was dating frequently and meeting lots of new people, I found it hard to be "radically honest" on the dates in the sense of opening up enough,

I found I could not answer a question such as "who are you" as I had a fear of being judged and would not match up to others or whatever, (thats one reason why I may have had struggles with the dating game)

Ive probably got to a point where I am happy sharing more now, if a person does not open up to a decent extent perhaps it becomes difficult to get to know them,

to make a person like you or to find is there any attraction a person has to be prepared to put their soul out there I suppose,

then there are some things that are better not said maybe, lol , for instance you know a certain amount of my history or my feelings for a particular woman,

would I be sharing that with you if I randomly met you on a hike or something,

to sum up I think we probably have to be open and share a lot but be careful not to self sabotage at the same time.

If you can get it all out there- all insecurities and negatives and then the person still likes you, then youve probably got a match,

sometimes honesty is great- when a lady said to me previously- " you know Im so lost" -If I could say one moment in my life where I fell in love- well maybe there have been two- but that was one of them. 

Vulnerability can bring connection.

 

 

Vulnerability bringing a connection.....is really a great thought.  We said Foxhall. 

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

then there are some things that are better not said maybe, lol , for instance you know a certain amount of my history or my feelings for a particular woman,

I do. And I also know you well enough to know that you're very hesitant to take my advice.

"forced smiles"...🤗

[Lotsgoingon]

The general rule is you reveal over time. And you reveal in some of the same ways (and same pace) as you would reveal to someone you are developing a friendship with.

High blood pressure--that's nobody's business until I get really close to them. But here is one: I've done a ton of psychotherapy. I mean a ton, and I've had depressive episodes. Depression and addiction run in my family. When do I tell that?  The answer is when I feel like it!  I don’t feel I owe anyone an early disclosure because I keep ahead of the depression and just because mental health stuff comes up as you get to know me. There was so much mental illness and disability in my family growing up (and as adults) that I can’t help but talk about that subject. And I’m not at all embarrassed or ashamed. And if a woman can’t see me through all of this, then I move on.

 BTW: I would say the answer from above is that it took trial and error to figure out what I was comfortable with. 

A guy I knew had genital Herpes. When would he tell? Well actually let's back up ... First, he would only allow himself to get really close to people he thought might be forgiving or able to work with his Herpes. But he would tell well before sex, right when his feelings got to a serious level. And he wanted the woman to have time to think about things.  Last time  I was in touch with him he was engaged. Recovering addicts I knew would also reveal their history right when things got serious as part of the exclusivity conversation. 

How you reveal is important. You don't want to just dump the information on someone's lap. It's actually important that the revealer get to some peace and confidence and share from that space. Also, it's important to share what you're doing now to minimize the condition. The difference between passively identifying a condition and getting top treatment for the condition (staying on top of the condition) is huge!

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

There may be a tendency when first meeting, getting to know someone to "put ones best foot forward".

It's honest but perhaps people would rather highlight more interesting things about themselves.For example hobbies and interests.

Probably very few people would admit to  "bed rotting" (yes, it's a thing, google it) or binging on Netflix all day, but probably everyone has these aspects. 

Edited March 19 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

I am also an advocate of learning about each other along the way. It's dating, not a marriage. There are certain things that should be talked about before intimicy like an sti but the rest can be shared after a few months dating. When the subjects come up you can share. I am not big on sharing financial details until it's time to move in together. My boyfriend does not know how much I earn after 19 months dating. He sees the comfort of my home, the fridge is always full, when I need something I buy it, he sees I don't struggle, that's enough untill we decide to live under the same roof. Through the months the person you date will figure out your financial situation and you'll figure out his. That can be figured out pretty fast. 

The quirks are to be discovered along the way AND we have quicks we don't even know we have! 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I found I could not answer a question such as "who are you"

I think most of us would have trouble with it....it's a terrible question!   The kind of person who asks this is too lazy to take part in a two way conversation

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh, to answer one of your questions directly there are a few cases I can think of when mentioning an issue right away can be good. Person #1 definitely wants children. Well they should early on ask if the other person also wants children, and they should nail down how much the other person wants children.

Or if someone is religious and that faith is central to their identity and their values, they should early on find out if the other person shares their values. These days lots of folks have a faith but don't need a partner to share the same faith. But if a particular kind of faith is central to your values, yeah, ask about that right away. Or to flip it toward the way you worded the question: disclose your own faith and its importance right away. 

One of my favorite therapists had this to say about disclosing. Imagine someone had a very messy room, but in general they had their life together. They're messy but not in hoarding mental illness territory. She thought it was OK for the person with the messy room to not show their room or talk about the room on a first date and maybe several more. She thought it was legit to show your strengths and then disclose the messy room later.  

All of us have something going on, some condition, some serious flaw or quirk. What's important is that we show up feeling like we are a good catch--and go from there.