Wiseman2 Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 (edited) If you actually think if your father finds out about this, he would probably kill my husband, please under no circumstances confide in Any family members. Research marital sexual abuse online - it's confidential and free. Nothing is stopping you. Please contact domestic violence agencies for information support advice and help - it's confidential and free. Nothing is stopping you Yes please go to a physician and be honest about what is going on. Please stop covering for and protecting your abuser. . Tell your husband and family it's just a routine checkup. Please ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. If anyone asks, be vague like " talking about stress at work" or similar. Please do not confide in family. Especially if your father is also a violent man. Perhaps you have a blind spot for abuse because you come from and are used to violent men? Edited March 15 by Wiseman2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 15 Author Share Posted March 15 @Wiseman2True! I think I have not realized what a terrible situation I was in until now. I will contact the agency, I have an appointment booked with my physician for tuesday and will ask them to direct me. Only that now it is even harder to live with him and I am actually terrified! He has realized if I am upset about something and I said that it is just a headache! But he will continue his acts and now it feels like a real torture! Maybe it would not be if I kept ignoring my feelings. But I cannot anymore! What really hurts is that I still live him so much. All I know is that I need help! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 (edited) 19 hours ago, Ssabrina said: he wont take my No as an answer! Even during my mens. He just wont care about the blood or asks me to wear a tampon and have A sex instead which I find very painful. He just turns mad when I say no and would do it anyway! Jesus. When I saw the title of your thread, I thought you were going to write about the usual "sex has become a bit boring, how do we spice it up?"... and then I saw this. Don't be mistaken - this isn't "repetitive sex". This is rape. Having sex with a person who said "no" is rape. Please remember this. You need to call a domestic abuse hotline right away so they can advise you on how best to handle the situation. Edited March 15 by Els 2 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 This is a marriage problem---you don't stand up for yourself. It's not really a sex problem. Why are you tiptoeing around this guy. Men survive being told "no" on sex every day of the week. Did you marry someone with a huge ego? Were you subservient in the overall relationship. Here's the cold truth: if you can't tell him what you like in sex, then you shouldn't be married to this person. Either is a self-absorbed, selfish jerk or you need to develop some maturity and backbone. Probably both of those things are true. Time for you to stand up--on sex and other issues as well. If he leaves, that means you didn't really have him in the first place. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 22 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Why are you tiptoeing around this guy. Men survive being told "no" on sex every day of the week. What are you talking about? She said she "told him no and he did it anyway". She was raped. Stop victim-blaming. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 16 Author Share Posted March 16 2 minutes ago, Els said: What are you talking about? She said she "told him no and he did it anyway". She was raped. Stop victim-blaming. That is my big problem right now. Since I have posted this, apart from very helpful advices which has made me take a first step and book an apportionment with my physician, I am dealing with a “guilt” feeling. I married very young with a man who is much older than me, earns more money.I have been depending on him a bit too much that I fear separation. Yes he is sexually hurting me but he has been a loving man in every other second of our marriage! I know it sounds weird to all that how such an abuser be a good husband! But he is and that hurts me the most. I feel guilty as I was so naive about this situation and could not couple it with “rape”. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 16 Author Share Posted March 16 On 3/15/2024 at 6:59 PM, Els said: Jesus. When I saw the title of your thread, I thought you were going to write about the usual "sex has become a bit boring, how do we spice it up?"... and then I saw this. Don't be mistaken - this isn't "repetitive sex". This is rape. Having sex with a person who said "no" is rape. Please remember this. You need to call a domestic abuse hotline right away so they can advise you on how best to handle the situation. I have booked an apportionment with my physician for Tuesday and will ask for guidance for the next step! I cannot take all the steps together. I feel too scared and broken. And I am still living with this man and he is still forcing me to have sex with him in every way he wants. Now it is harder to deal with it as I replaced “repetitive sex” to “ Rape”. It is hard! I swear it is not as easy as you think to get help! There are many aspects to it that builds up fear…. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 10 hours ago, Ssabrina said: That is my big problem right now. Since I have posted this, apart from very helpful advices which has made me take a first step and book an apportionment with my physician, I am dealing with a “guilt” feeling. I married very young with a man who is much older than me, earns more money.I have been depending on him a bit too much that I fear separation. Yes he is sexually hurting me but he has been a loving man in every other second of our marriage! I know it sounds weird to all that how such an abuser be a good husband! But he is and that hurts me the most. I feel guilty as I was so naive about this situation and could not couple it with “rape”. He is not a loving man. He is not a good husband. A good husband and a loving man would never repeatedly force you to have painful sex with him! Providing for you financially has nothing to do with love. In too many cases, this is just a way for a man to control and possess a woman. You shouldn’t feel guilty, the guilt is entirely his. You were young and naive, now you know better. There are plenty of good men out there. Life is not over just because you had the misfortune of being married to an abuser for some years. Get help, get rid of him, and start to heal🙏 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 11 hours ago, Ssabrina said: Yes he is sexually hurting me but he has been a loving man in every other second of our marriage You don't know what loving is, if you truly believe the above. You need help immediately. This man rapes you. Love isn't part of this marriage at all. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 21 hours ago, Ssabrina said: That is my big problem right now. Since I have posted this, apart from very helpful advices which has made me take a first step and book an apportionment with my physician, I am dealing with a “guilt” feeling. I married very young with a man who is much older than me, earns more money.I have been depending on him a bit too much that I fear separation. Yes he is sexually hurting me but he has been a loving man in every other second of our marriage! I know it sounds weird to all that how such an abuser be a good husband! But he is and that hurts me the most. I feel guilty as I was so naive about this situation and could not couple it with “rape”. I understand this. Leaving is always scary especially if you have been together from a young age. I suggest that you call domestic abuse hotlines so that they can discuss your options with you and provide advice. In cases like this, generally the court would mandate spousal support from him after you leave, which could help you get back on your feet. Don't feel guilty about not realizing it. Several cultures and religious beliefs tend to downplay marital rape, and if you are brought up in those cultures/religions, it can be difficult to realize it when it's happening to you. The important thing is that now you know, so you can start getting the help you need. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 On 3/14/2024 at 7:41 PM, Ssabrina said: @Wiseman2I will! I mean I should. I am pretty sure you can trust the physicians right? Funny question but I am worried my doctor would break it out to someone if they think he is abusive? Yes they will keep everything confidential. Imagine if you get pregnant and he's wanting sex every night. Coming home and nursing a baby and him wanting sex every night. You having a lack of sleep from being up all night with the baby and trying to beat him off of you. Girl, you will be miserable. It's like he got married to have sex whenever it suits him with no regard at all for how you feel. Was he like this when you two dated before you got married? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 I understand that your parents were against this marriage - and it now appears that they felt this way for good reason. But if they love you, and you came to them and asked for help to leave, they'd be there for you every step of the way. I've seen it happen with others Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted April 11 Author Share Posted April 11 An update: I have met with a physician and they shared a contact with me for getting help. But I have been too scared to do anything. So I am being abused every day until I find my courage. Will come back and write if things change 😕 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 Geez, this is really bad. This whole thing parallels a stock market "investment" in the following way: You bought-in to this seemingly great guy long ago... at what we'll say was $100 a share. You got married, went all-in from your side, investing in the relationship. Then over time it became clear that he was worth nowhere near to $100 a share. Maybe you reasoned he was worth only $73 a share (not the seven dollars and thirty cents that seems more accurate now)... BUT you felt that the only way to (get your investment back) was to wait it out. Meanwhile his share value dropped from that $73... to $47... then to $36... then to $23... and eventually to where we are now. What you have to see and understand in such equations is that to get back SOME of your money at a huge loss, still frees-up some GOOD fund$ to be better invested somewhere else. Everyone here can agree that you are still a young woman whose stock could/would be on the rise IF you were suddenly single, and eventually "single and looking..." The alternative is to just sit around and endure the pain until his worth to you goes completely down to ZERO. (and then you STILL have to do what you need to do NOW... only with even less of your original investment coming back to you) 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 15 Share Posted April 15 13 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: The alternative is to just sit around and endure the pain until his worth to you goes completely down to ZERO. (and then you STILL have to do what you need to do NOW... only with even less of your original investment coming back to you) I usually don’t like financial metaphors for romantic relationships, but this one was very poignant! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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