Ssabrina Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 I have been married with my husband ( who I adore) for 1,5 years. I am 24 and he is 36 ( I know it is a large age gap but never bothered us). there is however one problem and so hard to talk to people I know about it. He wants sex a little bit too often and he wont take my No as an answer! Even during my mens. He just wont care about the blood or asks me to wear a tampon and have A sex instead which I find very painful. He just turns mad when I say no and would do it anyway! He can leave night out dinners or family gatherings early just to have sex. He is always really kind and caring with me but when he wants sex, he becomes a different person. recently, this has become more annoying to me! It is not something I can even talk to my mom about! Talking to him is not working, he just gets mad and the sex gets more harsh. But I should get help I donno how. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 10 minutes ago, Ssabrina said: recently, this has become more annoying to me! Just recently? 10 minutes ago, Ssabrina said: He is always really kind and caring He sounds like a real prince. In all seriousness - if this is a serious post, you have a serious problem, my dear. You should talk to your mother or a friend, maybe they could help you to leave this relationship. It’s not cool when a man doesn’t take no for an answer. Not acceptable in any way. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Demanding sex is totally unacceptable, and coercing you into sex acts you don't like is rape. What is it that you adore about a sexist bully who couldn't care less about your feelings or is happy to inflict pain on you? He's an abuser, a perpetrator of domestic violence. If you want your marriage to survive I suggest counselling as a matter of urgency, other than that I would recommend you confide in someone what he's doing to you. If it was up to me I'd see to it that men with his attitude were castrated and their scrotum glued to their forehead as a warning to other rapists. Luckily it's not up to me. Please get support, you are being sexually abused. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 Well, apart from the sex we have a life together which he cares about me so much. Hard to explain what I mean but he is still my husband so I can love him right? tbh I have tried to talk to my mom but it is very hard for me cuz I dont cannot guess her reaction and if that will ruin my marriage. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 @MsJayne That is exactly the reaction I am scared of and that is why I dont want to talk to people who I know. I mean I love him and that will ruin the whole marriage. You know I need him in my life so cannot just go out and shout about this and get this reaction. I understand what you say but I feel helpless! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Just now, Ssabrina said: @MsJayne That is exactly the reaction I am scared of and that is why I dont want to talk to people who I know. I mean I love him and that will ruin the whole marriage. You know I need him in my life so cannot just go out and shout about this and get this reaction. I understand what you say but I feel helpless! Helplessness in a relationship is extremely unhealthy for you, mainly because there's a serious power imbalance in the relationship due to him having zero respect for you. I understand what you say about your marriage being ruined if you tell someone, but that will only happen because people care about you. May I ask did he do these things to you before you got married? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 @BaileyBI met him when I was 22 and I have not been with so many men before. So I always thought it is because he finds me attractive and it is fun. But now I feel like this is not normal and it bothers me more! Ahhh! And this is exactly why I did not want to talk to anyone about it! I know I will be judged constantly! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. There's no need to talk to your family if it's too personal. Everything you speak to a healthcare provider about is strictly confidential. Please frankly discuss forced sex and painful sex. Please ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support and to unpack and sort out what exactly is going on including marital sexual abuse. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 @MsJayne I met him when I was 22 and we got married very shortly after ( my parents were not happy) During that time we spent only weekends( he worked in a different city) together and he had the same sex desire but I took it more like it is because he only sees my in the weekend and ofc I wanted it too. Even the beginning of marriage I was more like he does it because he loves me so much. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 (edited) People keep things secret when they know what is happening is wrong. Edited March 14 by BaileyB 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 @BaileyB I know it is wrong. But it is not always easy to right your wrongs! I am scared of consequences. I cannot even imagine how my family would react ( they probably judge me too)! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Just now, Ssabrina said: And this is exactly why I did not want to talk to anyone about it! I know I will be judged constantly! No, you aren't being judged. Please don't think that. The people who regularly answer on this forum are very understanding and we have a whole lot of collective wisdom, part of which is understanding what people are going through and not judging. It's very worrying that he doesn't care that he's hurting you, and even more worrying that if you try to talk to him about it he gets angry. Unfortunately the only way to stop a bully is to expose them, even if it means feeling embarrassment or humiliation and risking the relationship. He has a serious problem, so the best thing to do is go to your doctor and confide what's happening and ask for a referral to a counsellor who can help you address this properly. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't care about your feelings and gets angry if you try to resolve it. Demanding sex and coercing a partner into unwanted acts is vile behaviour and the only way to stop it is to expose it. You don't want to do that because deep down you feel it will end the marriage, you are being emotionally blackmailed. Is that really how you want to live your life? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 @Wiseman2 This makes me anxious! I know you are right but I cannot imagine going through what you just said! Also I am so scared of his reaction. I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel like I cannot do these! I feel scared thinking about all these! He is my husband, his family and friends love me…. I think about all these and him and my family….. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Just now, Ssabrina said: He is my husband, his family and friends love me…. I think about all these and him and my family….. Think about yourself first. If being loved by friends and family involves sacrificing your own values there's something very wrong. I think you'd find that if people knew what you're being subjected to they would still love you, and they'd probably feel angry that this is happening to you. I don't even know you and I feel angry that it's happening to you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 @MsJayne you are right and I truely know you are right? Do I want to do sth about it? Yes do I dare? No I will talk to my doctor as you said to get advice. At this point I cannot talk to anyone that I know. It is embarrassing and very hard for me. My parents will blame me for sure. His parents love me so much I cannot even think of how they would react. I think about what my first step would mean? Collapsing this whole relationship? It makes me scared to death. Crying as I write it now. It is the first time I am talking about it and it just felt more painful! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 (edited) You certainly are allowed to see a physician. Tell him it's a routine visit, but be honest with your physician and therapist. There's no need to tell your husband or family about anything. You can also privately research marital sexual abuse as well as privately and confidentiality speak to domestic violence agencies. You need to be willing to help yourself. Edited March 14 by Wiseman2 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 @Wiseman2I will! I mean I should. I am pretty sure you can trust the physicians right? Funny question but I am worried my doctor would break it out to someone if they think he is abusive? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 3 minutes ago, Ssabrina said: I think about what my first step would mean? Collapsing this whole relationship? Not necessarily. I think you might be surprised how it would play out if you expose his behaviour. Yes, he'd be angry, and yes, it would likely lead to a temporary separation. He could then decide whether to fix his behaviour, or not. If he chose 'not' then you know he never really cared about you, but in my experience abusers are usually very needy people who deeply fear the loss of the partner they're abusing. You don't realise it, but you're actually holding the trump card in this scenario. You just have to play that card. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 @MsJayne This felt good! Thank you for helping, Now I have a lot to think about! also i realized how alone I was in this until now and how I underestimated this issue! I wish I had a sister or my mom/dad were more supportive. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 (edited) Please stop making excuses. Are you from a culture/religion that condones spousal brutality? It's unclear why you seem to need a family consensus about this. You already know it's against the law for healthcare providers to disclose your private information. If you are not ready to disclose things to family, please do not . Family is not bound by confidentiality and it could backfire. Please gather appropriate accurate information from confidential sources before you just keep going in circles and stay stuck. Edited March 15 by Wiseman2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 15 Author Share Posted March 15 @Wiseman2with all the fears I have, I will do it. I don't have so much courage and am very shy! For me, this will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. No religion/culture thinking. I am the only child in my family and my parents were not happy with this marriage ( age gap issue mainly), so this makes it harder for me talk to them. And then I would think my if my dad finds out about this, he would probably kill my husband! This build up more fear! but will start with the physician! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 17 minutes ago, Ssabrina said: i realized how alone I was in this until now and how I underestimated this issue! I wish I had a sister or my mom/dad were more supportive. You're alone, but not really alone. Millions of women all over the world are sexually abused by an intimate partner, the statistics are horrendous. If you can find the courage to seek support from your doctor and a counsellor you won't be telling them anything they haven't heard before. You'll just become one of a global army of women who have had a gutful of being abused by men. I can guarantee that, despite the discomfort you'll feel when you first resolve to take action, and the feelings of shame/humiliation/embarrassment, by the time you get through it you'll be a changed person. You'll feel a little taller and a little stronger when you emerge the winner. And you will win. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ssabrina Posted March 15 Author Share Posted March 15 @MsJayne❤️🥺 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 Going to a doctor is a start, but a physician can't change your husband's behaviour. My point is that the only person you can control is yourself. Unless and until you find your self-worth and put a stop to this, he is going to continue. Sexual abuse has no place in a marriage. A physician can point you in the direction of a therapist who can help you understand why you are enmeshed in such a dysfunctional situation. 6 hours ago, Ssabrina said: he cares about me so much No. Men who are caring arent' sexually aggressive with their partners. You unfortunately seem to be very blind to how serious this is and just how awfully he treats you. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 7 hours ago, Ssabrina said: I have been married with my husband ( who I adore) for 1,5 years. I am 24 and he is 36 ( I know it is a large age gap but never bothered us). there is however one problem and so hard to talk to people I know about it. He wants sex a little bit too often and he wont take my No as an answer! Even during my mens. He just wont care about the blood or asks me to wear a tampon and have A sex instead which I find very painful. He just turns mad when I say no and would do it anyway! He can leave night out dinners or family gatherings early just to have sex. He is always really kind and caring with me but when he wants sex, he becomes a different person. recently, this has become more annoying to me! It is not something I can even talk to my mom about! Talking to him is not working, he just gets mad and the sex gets more harsh. But I should get help I donno how. Sabrina, this is sexual abuse and domestic violence. It is a very serious matter. You should get help as soon as you can. This man doesn’t care for you. A caring husband wouldn’t force his wife to perform sexual acts against her wish. Especially not when those acts are painful and potentially damaging to her health. I’m male and I also have a very high libido, I constantly want to have sex with my fiancée and I always initiate. But I would never even think of doing anything against her will. I don’t know any guy who would, this sounds monstrous to me. The problem is definitely not his sex drive, it’s his utter lack of empathy and understanding, disrespect of you as a person and disregard of your wishes. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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