Age Gap

[Sony12]

The girls probably at home hanging out with her boyfriend right now.

[SproadicQuestionaire]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

The girls probably at home hanging out with her boyfriend right now.

Lol thanks for that 

[Lotsgoingon]

The rule is to go public with your older age IMMEDIATELY.  So the person  has that info and then can decide if they like you "despite" that age gap.

Hiding your age just doesn't work. And it disempowers you as well--because you're acting like there's something wrong with your age. When you hide your age, you're putting your interest in her (who you DON'T KNOW) ahead of  your own integrity and confidence and self acceptance.

Also you want to get your age out there because hearing you state the age gap will help YOU process whether you want to pursue this younger person or not. 

I do have some sympathy for you. I was in my 40s and 50s active in a dance scene with people in their 20s and 30s. I had to always own my age --which is easier for me than with you. I look much older than these people in their 20s and 30s. But what's interesting is that I developed extremely close dance relationships with a lot of women--with no attempt to hide my age. 

Go confident bro!

[SproadicQuestionaire]

18 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The rule is to go public with your older age IMMEDIATELY.  So the person  has that info and then can decide if they like you "despite" that age gap.

Hiding your age just doesn't work. And it disempowers you as well--because you're acting like there's something wrong with your age. When you hide your age, you're putting your interest in her (who you DON'T KNOW) ahead of  your own integrity and confidence and self acceptance.

Also you want to get your age out there because hearing you state the age gap will help YOU process whether you want to pursue this younger person or not. 

I do have some sympathy for you. I was in my 40s and 50s active in a dance scene with people in their 20s and 30s. I had to always own my age --which is easier for me than with you. I look much older than these people in their 20s and 30s. But what's interesting is that I developed extremely close dance relationships with a lot of women--with no attempt to hide my age. 

Go confident bro!

Thanks man…. I’ve never got 30 when I asked people to guess my age. I mean I’m not bad looking and I’m decently in shape (6’5”, 220lbs). I just don’t have confidence 

[Sony12]

7 minutes ago, SproadicQuestionaire said:

Thanks man…. I’ve never got 30 when I asked people to guess my age. I mean I’m not bad looking and I’m decently in shape (6’5”, 220lbs). I just don’t have confidence 

People gain confidence by having experiences. If guys are constantly looking at 21 year old girls chances are they aren't going to get the kind of experiences they would have if they were focusing more on women their own age or older. 

Early 20 something year old ladies have their pick of any party boy around. And a lot of times they will only be interested in older men if they have something materialistic to offer them.

For instance while this girl probably was attracted to you she also knew that you were on a cruise and people that don't have money usually don't pay their way for a cruise trip.

[SproadicQuestionaire]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

People gain confidence by having experiences. If guys are constantly looking at 21 year old girls chances are they aren't going to get the kind of experiences they would have if they were focusing more on women their own age or older. 

Early 20 something year old ladies have their pick of any party boy around. And a lot of times they will only be interested in older men if they have something materialistic to offer them.

For instance while this girl probably was attracted to you she also knew that you were on a cruise and people that don't have money usually don't pay their way for a cruise trip.

There lies the problem. Do I separate myself by showing I have a career already or is that a turnoff? I guess it’s not so important at this point in their life. 

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, SproadicQuestionaire said:

There lies the problem. Do I separate myself by showing I have a career already or is that a turnoff? I guess it’s not so important at this point in their life. 

If you begin telling these young gals about your successful career you will have a portion of them choosing to be around you largely because of your money. Is that really what you want? If you focus more on women in their mid to late twenties and on into their early thirties who have started their own careers your money won't be as important to them. Many of those women just want to make sure the guy has a stable job.

[SproadicQuestionaire]

39 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If you begin telling these young gals about your successful career you will have a portion of them choosing to be around you largely because of your money. Is that really what you want? If you focus more on women in their mid to late twenties and on into their early thirties who have started their own careers your money won't be as important to them. Many of those women just want to make sure the guy has a stable job.

As shallow as it sounds, I’d prefer girls from like 23-28 if I had a choice. I agree a single guy at 31 is a red flag but so is a female? Not sure if that makes sense 

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, SproadicQuestionaire said:

As shallow as it sounds, I’d prefer girls from like 23-28 if I had a choice. I agree a single guy at 31 is a red flag but so is a female? Not sure if that makes sense 

Lots of people are single into their 30's these days. It's not a red flag at all. The only people that it would be a red flag to are those without much life experience.

People get divorced or decide to spend their 20's focusing on their career. Or just don't feel like they are ready to settle down yet. Many legitimate reasons why people are single into their 30's.

Edited March 12 by Sony12

[SproadicQuestionaire]

15 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Lots of people are single into their 30's these days. It's not a red flag at all. The only people that it would be a red flag to are those without much life experience.

People get divorced or decide to spend their 20's focusing on their career. Or just don't feel like they are ready to settle down yet. Many legitimate reasons why people are single into their 30's.

Fair enough

[FredEire]

You're overthinking this. In future just take your opportunities when they appear and don't spend your time simping or dreaming of unrealistic relationship scenarios when what's on the table is a holiday fling.

[SproadicQuestionaire]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

You're overthinking this. In future just take your opportunities when they appear and don't spend your time simping or dreaming of unrealistic relationship scenarios when what's on the table is a holiday fling.

Yeah I need to figure out how to stop catching feelings like that. It’s quite annoying 

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, SproadicQuestionaire said:

Yeah I need to figure out how to stop catching feelings like that. It’s quite annoying 

You can't help catch feelings but you can control your actions. If you meet a girl on holiday and she's down to bang don't be a gentleman and save yourself for a fantasy relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Try to approach things with much more confidence. Being single at 31 is not a red flag (unless it is in your culture). 

Dating women in their 20s is also not unusual.

What is weird and what you may want to work on is asking people how old you look. At best it comes across as fishing for components or  conceited and at worst it sounds morbidly insecure. 

Keep in mind, people almost always underestimate age when asked,  just to be polite. 

Edited March 12 by Wiseman2

[Els]

I'm confused, you lied about your age and then you're bummed that she decided not to see you again when she found out you were lying? If you put yourself in her shoes as the person being lied to, what would you do?

That aside, everyone has different tolerances for age gaps, but IMO the vast majority of 21yos aren't going to want to be in a relationship with a 31yo.

[ShyViolet]

21 hours ago, SproadicQuestionaire said:

10-11 years when this girl is still in college isn’t that big? I feel like if it had been she was out of college, woulda been easier. 

Well I'm not saying the age difference is insignificant.  Some people might consider it big.  But your whole story was overshadowed by the fact that you lied to her about your age.  It's still beyond me why you would do that.  You shouldn't be surprised at her reaction.

[basil67]

On 3/12/2024 at 8:02 AM, SproadicQuestionaire said:

10-11 years when this girl is still in college isn’t that big? I feel like if it had been she was out of college, woulda been easier. 

It's big because she's so young.  If she was 27 and you were 37, it wouldn't be so significant.

When I was young like her I had a holiday fling with a guy who had the same age gap.  We had a great time together - but then it turned out he thought this was the start of an actual relationship with me, and worse, wanted me to move to where he lived!   It hadn't even occurred to me that he would see it as anything other than a sexy fun holiday fling, so that was the end of that.   There's no reason to believe that she was interested in a relationship with you, and the lie added the final nail to the coffin.

[Alpacalia]

When I was her age, I never dated someone that significantly older. Not that there is anything wrong with it. But at that time I preferred men my own age (give or take a couple of years).

I would chalk this up to a fun experience and move on. You guys were on a cruise, which is like being in a fantasyland, and things like age can get blurred or ignored in those situations. 21 and 31 is a pretty significant age gap, and it's likely that this girl was not looking for anything serious with someone that much older than her. Don't take it personally - it's not about you, it's just a preference for some people.

[Wiseman2]

There's only one reason to lie and that's to manipulate. In this case you were hoping to get lucky with a hot juicy young thing by telling her you were 27. Obviously it backfired. 

People do this nonsense on dating apps also to be included in searches and matches with a different age. 

If you think you're desirable and can meet and date attractive women, why play games? 

[Acacia98]

On 3/12/2024 at 7:55 AM, SproadicQuestionaire said:

As shallow as it sounds, I’d prefer girls from like 23-28 if I had a choice. I agree a single guy at 31 is a red flag but so is a female? Not sure if that makes sense 

A red flag? Perhaps in a fundamentalist sect. But not in a regular secular community.

[SproadicQuestionaire]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's only one reason to lie and that's to manipulate. In this case you were hoping to get lucky with a hot juicy young thing by telling her you were 27. Obviously it backfired. 

People do this nonsense on dating apps also to be included in searches and matches with a different age. 

If you think you're desirable and can meet and date attractive women, why play games? 

Well considering that was an option and I said no, how does that factor into this logic?

[SproadicQuestionaire]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

A red flag? Perhaps in a fundamentalist sect. But not in a regular secular community.

What does this mean exactly?

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, SproadicQuestionaire said:

Well considering that was an option and I said no, how does that factor into this logic?

Well you wanted her to like you and directly lied to her in hopes she would continue to like you.

Can't remember if she directly asked you your age or not. But you either should have not said anything about it at all if she didn't ask and if she did just be honest about it.

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, SproadicQuestionaire said:

What does this mean exactly?

That means in normal society it's not that big of a deal but might be if you were in a specific community that had certain beliefs or values.

Edited March 16 by Sony12

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, SproadicQuestionaire said:

What does this mean exactly?

I mean being single at 31 is not a red flag in regular secular society. If, however, you lived in a religious fundamentalist community where the only acceptable sexual relationships existed within marriage, then you would find that people were expected to get married really young. And a single 31-year-old would stick out like a sore thumb in that community. People would think something must be wrong with him/her.